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Pitakwa - Literature - Nairaland

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Theatrical Brilliance In Port Harcourt: Unpacking 'pitakwa Boiz” (2) (3) (4)

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Pitakwa by flow1759: 12:25pm On Jan 14, 2023
I am back.

I am back to give you fun.

CAVEAT
The write up that follows is not in any form relating to any persons, group of persons or organization in reality but as a result of the writer's choice of name of persons, group of persons or organizations.

Be ready to crack your ribs and learn too. Or so i thought.

This story is a true life story in loving memory of my best friend Morley (July 18th 1987 to September 8th 2021), may his soul rest in peace.

2 Likes

Re: Pitakwa by leosmaria(m): 3:05pm On Jan 14, 2023
Welcome boss

Let's go there

1 Like

Re: Pitakwa by youngWilly: 10:50pm On Jan 14, 2023
Flow is finally back from vacation
Re: Pitakwa by SunFlow(m): 11:40pm On Jan 14, 2023
flow1759:
I am back.

I am back to give you fun.

CAVEAT
The write up that follows is not in any form relating to any persons, group of persons or organization in reality but as a result of the writer's choice of name of persons, group of persons or organizations.

Be ready to crack your ribs and learn too. Or so i thought.

Chai... Flow please don't do this.

Don't get me glued only to leave again.

It's been years man!
Re: Pitakwa by armadeo(m): 12:27pm On Jan 15, 2023
flow1759:
I am back.

I am back to give you fun.

CAVEAT
The write up that follows is not in any form relating to any persons, group of persons or organization in reality but as a result of the writer's choice of name of persons, group of persons or organizations.

Be ready to crack your ribs and learn too. Or so i thought.


Man wey dey reason..... longest time

2 Likes

Re: Pitakwa by flow1759: 4:26pm On Jan 15, 2023
SunFlow:


Chai... Flow please don't do this.

Don't get me glued only to leave again.

It's been years man!


I am not leaving you don't worry. I dey kamkpe
Re: Pitakwa by flow1759: 4:35pm On Jan 15, 2023
“hold her well! Bring rope!” The pastor yelled.

“You why you no come hold am!” I almost yelled back.

'We Love Jesus Ministry" is a church where almost all the members were sure making heaven; You heard me, I said almost all, not all.


“She don bite me! She don bite meee!” I cried.

“Peter you have to hold her tight” I was holding a delicate part of her body; her br’east, soon she was farting.

A mad woman’s fart reeked of burnt beans mixed with over-fermented palmwine, indeed it was a rear privilege for me to perceive. Or so I thought.

I was bleeding and losing grip of her.

At that moment I remembered a Nollywood movie I watched where Patience Ozokwor was bitten by her mad daughter inlaw and she ran mad.

It is common Nigerian belief that whoever is bitten by a mad woman would sure be mad - we grew up believing so.

“Am I going to run mad?” My eyes were spinning.
Soon our mad woman was no more struggling with myself and the assistant pastor who held her; she was calm.


“Sorry for your injury!” The assistant pastor said to me.

I was sure I would be a mad man in 15 minutes time or thereabout but wasn’t sure of the kind of madness journey I would embark on; the barking type, the na’ked typed, the barking and n’aked type, the dancing type or the snatching people’s food type.

My heart was beating fast; my voice sounded like I didn’t own it.

“Brother Peter let me clean your wound for you” an elder in church offered.

She dressed my wound and I smiled as I stared at the torn trouser of the assistant pastor, wait, did he e’jaculate while holding the back side of the mad woman, or was it urine, maybe my eyes failing me was part of the early signs of madness. Or maybe not.


As I crossed over to the other side of the road at Rumuigbo market junction thinking of what would happen to me should I hit the street mad, my phone rang, it was Nas, he called to ask me to come with my key that he forgot his in the house in the morning.

Nas,...Nas isn’t American neither is he a Rap artist but he could rap to the girls.


“grapjakanaghajhanakak!” I was speaking in an unknown language. Had madness come knocking?

“Flow you don dey mad ooh!” I told myself as I noticed my lips were dry looking at the side mirror of the taxi I boarded.

What would happen to my business? Would the madness eventually kill me?

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Re: Pitakwa by Bukolaberry(f): 4:57pm On Jan 15, 2023
like seriously, oga flow welcome


still I flow

1 Like

Re: Pitakwa by flow1759: 5:39pm On Jan 15, 2023
Bukolaberry:
like seriously, oga flow welcome



still I flow

Still we flow together

2 Likes

Re: Pitakwa by tobidipity(m): 5:54pm On Jan 15, 2023
Araadugbo Flow ti de ooooooo. Mehn I’ve missed u. U have no idea how many times I’ve had to read man way dey reason over and over. It’s good to have u back. Bar man, one crate of 1759 to Flow. Still we flow

1 Like

Re: Pitakwa by flow1759: 5:55pm On Jan 15, 2023
“Oga your money na 100 Naira, no be 5o Naira!” The taxi driver yelled.

“make una see ooh, from Market junction to Nkpolu, this man wan collect 100 Naira” I told other passengers who cared not to listen.

“Oga give am money na!” One passenger alighting attacked.

“You dey mad there, make I give am money, na you go give me the money abi?” I returned.

“Oga I go rough handle you here if you no give me my money ooh” The taxi driver almost strangled me rough-handling my clothes.

“Leave my cloth ooh, I go give you uppercut ooh!” I threatened.

“try am na, make you see wetin go happen here!” He held where he wasn’t supposed to hold – my third leg.

“Yeeeeaaah! Oga leave my bluckos ooh! If you no leave my bluckos I go nod you ooh!” I thought one ball was broken.

"Nod me na!" He waited.

I had told myself not to ever head-boot any human or other God’s creatures after head-booting a metal pole in my kitchen in attempt to head-boot a big rat the night the rat disturbed my sleep.

After head-booting the metal pole that night my entire body system shutdown; I was deaf, blind, dumb, crippled, and bald all at once.
That night I thought the trumpet had sounded and God’s angels were descending. “God forgive me!” Was what I could alter as I lied on the floor wishing Nas slept with me in the house that night.


I head-booted the taxi driver and darkness covered the surface of the earth.
“aaaaah! I don blind! I no fit see! I don blind oooh!”
“see this small boy ooh, you wan fight me!” I wasn’t deaf, “give me my money jor”
“no take my wallet!” The taxi driver had dragged my wallet from my hand.
“see your wallet for ground” I heard faintly.


I opened my eyes lodged in this beautiful five star hotel room; the stench of urine in the drainage uplifted my spirit.

“my wallet! where my wallet?” My wallet and its content were gone, my shirt was torn, real madness was around.

It was 7pm Pitakwa time as I began my journey from Nkpolu, yes indeed roaming as part of the course outline for Madness 101 had began.


Faster than I expected I had reached Obiri Ikwere and met my colleagues.
“see my friend ooh! come na!” I had made a new friend.

A mad man chasing his colleague. But again I thought to myself “Flow why you dey run from this mad man sef, wetin you do am?” then I turned facing my fears.

A mad man chasing a madder man with a stick.

2 Likes

Re: Pitakwa by flow1759: 6:04pm On Jan 15, 2023
If you live in Pitakwa raise your hand ✋
Re: Pitakwa by SunFlow(m): 6:33pm On Jan 15, 2023
flow1759:
“hold her well! Bring rope!” The pastor yelled.

“You why you no come hold am!” I almost yelled back.

'We Love Jesus Ministry" is a church where almost all the members were sure making heaven; You heard me, I said almost all, not all.


“She don bite me! She don bite meee!” I cried.

“Peter you have to hold her tight” I was holding a delicate part of her body; her br’east, soon she was farting.

A mad woman’s fart reeked of burnt beans mixed with over-fermented palmwine, indeed it was a rear privilege for me to perceive. Or so I thought.

I was bleeding and was losing grip of her.

At that moment I remembered a Nollywood movie I watched where Patience Ozokwor was bitten by her mad daughter inlaw and she ran mad.

It is common Nigerian belief that whoever is bitten by a mad woman would sure be mad - we grew up believing so.

“Am I going to run mad?” My eyes were spinning.
Soon our mad woman was no more struggling with myself and the assistant pastor who held her; she was calm.


“Sorry for your injury!” The assistant pastor said to me.

I was sure I would be a mad man in 15 minutes time or thereabout but wasn’t sure of the kind of madness journey I would embark on; the barking type, the na’ked typed, the barking and n’aked type, the dancing type or the snatching people’s food type.

My heart was beating fast; my voice sounded like I didn’t own it.

“Brother Peter let me clean your wound for you” an elder in church offered.

She dressed my wound and I smiled as I stared at the torn trouser of the assistant pastor, wait, did he e’jaculate while holding the back side of the mad woman, or was it urine, maybe my eyes failing me was part of the early signs of madness. Or maybe not.


As I crossed over to the other side of the road at Rumuigbo market junction thinking of what would happen to me should I hit the street mad, my phone rang, it was Nas, he called to ask me to come with my key that he forgot his in the house in the morning.

Nas,...Nas isn’t American neither is he a Rap artist but he could rap to the girls.


“grapjakanaghajhanakak!” I was speaking in an unknown language. Had madness come knocking?

“Flow you don dey mad ooh!” I told myself as I noticed my lips were dry looking at the side mirror of the taxi I boarded.

What would happen to my business? Would the madness eventually kill me?

Make i just dey dream... So na Flow be this
Re: Pitakwa by flow1759: 6:41pm On Jan 15, 2023
I had reached Rumuosi and waited at the junction for a lift when I realize I was hungrier than I was tired.

I thought of calling Fishbone my neighbour to come pick me since I had no money on me but thought otherwise because he told me the previous day that his “keke” was bad.

But then I decided to call nonetheless.

“where my phone!” I searched.

My phone was gone, who stole it? Was it the taxi driver? Was it passersby at Nkpolu junction while I was “resting” in the drainage? Was it the mad woman that entered the church or the mad man?

A mad day.


The morning was darker than the night to me because my eyes were blurry and everywhere was dark as a result of hunger. Or so i thought.

Our saviour Garri was absent so I drank its assistant water.
A knock was heard on the door, it was Fishbone; Big head fishbone.

“You get toothpaste?” His breath smelled like a s’kunk.

As I offered him toothpaste by the door my heart sank when I saw she-devil Coretha approaching.

“why have your phone been switch off?” She queried.

“Me? My phone?” I was lost for a moment, “Okay! I lost my phone”

Coretha was in my living room in no time, munching the Banana she bought just the same way she was almost munching my gboola while she gave me a BeJay the night she found out I cheated on her. I will never forget I frog jumped to and fro my room 24 times and on the 25th time, she flogged me 12 strokes on my back with her metal belt.

Domestic violence.

I was tired of dating Captain Oche’s first daughter. I was a slave.

“so what did you cook” I was her cook also.
“Nothing ooh, I don’t have money” But she was my moneybag.
With a frown that later dissolved she asked, “so what are we going to eat?”

“Beans! Beans and plantain” was her favourite.

Did I forget to say that farting was Coretha’s hobby – she can fart two-in-one ballistic missile, yet she can still fart grenade. A t’omboy, a chain smoker, t’attoo all over her body, the only thing admirable about Coretha was a natural blue eyes.

“when we get married you will teach me how you prepared this your beans” what a shame.

“sure I will” I assured.

“who wan marry this one!” I almost said. Let it be on record that I can cook one food while I surgeon this earth, that one food is beans and my girlfriend Coretha was interested in that one food.

3 Likes 1 Share

Re: Pitakwa by flow1759: 6:42pm On Jan 15, 2023
SunFlow:


Make i just dey dream... So na Flow be this

Live and direct. Na me be this. Or so i thought �
Re: Pitakwa by swiz123(m): 1:29am On Jan 16, 2023
Still as funny as ever!!.
Re: Pitakwa by flow1759: 8:33am On Jan 16, 2023
swiz123:
Still as funny as ever!!.
Thanks

1 Like

Re: Pitakwa by flow1759: 11:10am On Jan 16, 2023
You guys can encourage me and buy my eBook too. Check my signature
Re: Pitakwa by flow1759: 10:30am On Jan 17, 2023
I and Eze was sipping wine and playing chess at sundown when Fishbone brought us a business idea - two business ideas rather.

One was that he had two sure bets with odds as high as 10, that if we bet as little One Thousand Naira each, we could get 10k each to spend for the weekend.

The other business idea was that we could invest 5k and in fifteen minutes, we would have 15k – three times what we invested. My antenna was more sensitive to the second business idea than the first.

“So who we dey invest the money to?” I asked.

“Where the two sure bet na?” Eze asked almost the same time.

“make una two calm down, I go explain” Fishbone said.

When he finished explaining Eze was almost changing his mind to invest in the second business idea instead of the first.
It was 17:59pm and fifteen minute had gone since I and Nas invested 10k each expecting 60k in return. I was thinking of how I would use 5k from the money to buy boxers, just boxers.

Coretha was always laughing at my boxers whenever we had sex; she would sometimes call them “bed sheets” and other times called them mosquito nets. I think they were more of bed sheet than mosquito net, or so I thought.

“Hello, Fishbone! We still dey wait for the alert for our account ooh…..” Nas was on the phone with Fishbone, “…….the admin number no dey go ooh”

After losing that money to Fishbone’s ponzi scheme, I assured myself to never buy of his business ideas.

“Eze, find me small thing na” I begged Eze who was 100k richer having won the bet.

“you be my man na, I go find you 5k” I thought of using that 5k to change my boxers but I thought otherwise since Baba had come knocking for electricity bill payment that morning.

In my dear city Pitakwa electricity bill per house can reach a record 6k per household and 156k per compound. My compound Igwe villa was famous for electricity disconnection as a result to unpaid bills.

“Baba na my NEPA bill be this” With a bitter heart I gave 5k to Baba the bill collector.

“This NEPA bill too much ooh, them no even give use light this month” Says Fishbone who had an electric stove in his house.

It was 2am when our gate fell.

2 Likes

Re: Pitakwa by flow1759: 10:36am On Jan 17, 2023
“Oboy, armed robbers don dey this compound ooh” I was jittery.

Nas hung on the wardrobe amongst the covered suits and my goodness he looked so much like my dusty black suit.

“guy go open the door, e be like say them don dey come close to our door” he noticed.


“open the door na, open am!” We heard.

“Open wetin, my hand don gum here!”

“wetin be that one? Open door jor” One of the robbers ordered, “yeee! Oboy, my hand don gum!”

“make una help us ooh!” we heard, “mogbe ooh!”

“Oboy wetin dey happen for outside! Which hand gum?” I asked the dusty black suit beside me.

“make we go na, make we go see!” dusty black suit replied.

It took 45 years for us to get to our door and 55 years to open.

What we saw after 100 years of dilly-dallying was like in the movies; Nollywood precisely.


“Oboy abi my eye dey pain me!” I said.

The robbers mission was to steal Baba’s car but their plan failed woefully. They were all stuck to the car as they tried to open the door.

“I tell you say make we no come thief this motor, you no hear me, now see us na!” One of them cried.

“shut up jor, see your head” The other one returned.

“Shey una get mouth dey talk abi!” Nas attacked.

“oboy make we remove this their mask, I wan see their face!” I was curious.

Baba was out in no time to help remove the masks on the robbers.

“orobajaja bajaja!” The incantation came out of Baba’s mouth then he gave each of the robbers a broom.

“Oya begin to the sweep!” he commanded.

“Oboy see Ebuka Fishbone friend ooh” I noticed.

The hatred Fishbone had for Baba was something out of this world. It started when Fishbone tried his luck on Baba’s youngest wife and slept in the police station for two weeks as a result.

“But why Fishbone go send thief to thief Baba motor?” I wondered as I watched Ebuka one of the robbers swept his portion of the compound skillfully.

“see this Ebuka get mind ooh” Nas said.

Soon police officers were around to arrest the sweepers, the robbers I mean to say.

2 Likes

Re: Pitakwa by flow1759: 10:41am On Jan 17, 2023
“I say Chelsea go win this match!” Seventy said to Biodun at the football viewing centre.

“which kin Chelsea? Man city don win una already!” Biodun replied.

Seventy was far from being 70 years old, when he was younger he always told his friends he would die on his 70th birthday that he always prayed to God that he shouldn’t live beyond 70 years his reasons being that he couldn’t picture himself being taken care of by people when he grows old and sick.

Biodun came so close to cutting short the agreement Seventy had with his creator.

“I go cut your throat ooh” Seventy threatened.

Soon two short knives were out, everywhere was scattered, elephant stampede, everyone had missed Man city’s goal.

The two slaughter boys had knives on their throats.

“Flow see people dey fight for your viewing centre you no fit go separate them” Eze said rubbish.

“why your papa no go separate them!” I heard something shattered.

My TV!

3 Likes

Re: Pitakwa by flow1759: 12:58pm On Jan 20, 2023
The day I almost died.

It was a sunny afternoon in Pitakwa when I arrived my business place.

My laptop had packed up the previous night; my photocopier all of a sudden was drunk of 1759.

No laptop, no photocopier meant no business.

“How I go chop today!” I was thinking.


Meanwhile, across the road, in front of Josh supermarket there was a gathering; a gather of saints. Worshipers of Saint Bottles Cathedral Rumuekini parish.

“I say you no go fit finish Four black bullet!” I heard Surveyor said.

“I go finish am!” I heard Osato boasted.

The blacker the bullet, the sweeter the juice. Something told me that black bullet wouldn’t harm me, more so Four Cans.

“Nobody go fit finish Four Cans of black bullet!” Surveyor said, “In fact any body wey go fit finish am, I go give the person 5k!”

“I go fit drink Four Can” I crossed to meet them.

I was two Cans down and quickly flashed back to when Ola offered Nas 4k should he finish 3 Cans of same Black bullet and stood strong. I remember Nas gave up on his first Can and told Ola he needed part payment. A fight followed and Ola beat the living day light off Nas.
Nas was unconscious for about 30 minutes and when his eyes were open again, the first thing he said was “I give up”

I was not giving up on the third Can when I heard “thnggggggg!” a bell rang in my head as I yawned twice.

“This one wey you dey yawn, you wan sleep?” Ola laughed, “abi you give up like Nas?”

I was never giving up and nothing was stopping me from reaching my mark.

I had drunk three Cans and was on the fourth when I started hearing songs.

“who dey sing!” I turned.

“Sing? Nobody dey sing ooh!” Osato was surprised.

What black bullet had done to a lot of men in the vicinity was disastrous.

Osato’s was a defecating case, Josh’s was a drainage water-bathing case, Nas was a giving up case.

What case was I to face?

One of the rules of the bet states that the drink must not be spilled, not even a drop.

I was 159 drops close to becoming 5k richer when I heard bells ringing in my head.

“who ring bell?”

“Nobody ring bell!” Ola assured me.

I saw angels and demons, I had turned deaf, I saw men like trees.

“Flow! You dey alright” Surveyor held my right hand.

I was growing wings.

I believed I could fly, I believed I could touch the sky, I was spreading my wings.

“Flow you no go fit fly na, you no be bird!” I heard Osato’s voice slightly.

Then I flew.

2 Likes

Re: Pitakwa by flow1759: 1:10pm On Jan 20, 2023
Far be it from me to follow evil or learn evil from friends.

“Oboy make we arrange this Indomie wella na” My cousin Snow came visiting one Saturday.

Arranging noodles wella meant just one thing - it meant enriching the meal with "vegetable"; fresh vegetables that have the tendencies of making one fly.

“Make una no put this thing for this indomie na” I pleaded.

“Guy today na Saturday, make we put this thing high and sleep wella” Snow said.

Soon Nas had fetched the vegetables.

“Guy this thing go too much ooh!” I feared.

“make we put am like that jor, e go make us high sleep wella” Snow the medical practitioner, “and our brain go function wella”

My brain was functioning well I was sure, for Nas and Snow, I was sure their brains needed some boost.


Two spirit beings advised me as I was about to eat from the plate of noodles in front of me; one on my left and the other on my right.

“guy no chop this food” The spirit on the right advised.

“no mind am guy chop am, e go make you high!” The spirit on the left countered.

“If you chop this food you go damage your brain ooh”

“If you no chop this food your brain no go sharp ooh!”

“If you chop this food your system go weak ooh”

“If you no chop this food your heart no go function well! Its good for the heart!”

“If you chop this food you no go fit go church tomorrow ooh”

“no need to go church………”

“…... oooooooh! make una stop all this argument!” I yelled.

Eze entered arguing football with Snow.

“Yes make we stop the argument and make we shawling.

I wouldn’t have shawling that food if i had known.

5 Likes

Re: Pitakwa by SadiqAdnan98: 11:58pm On Jan 26, 2023
The story dey flow well N O R M A L ..

but i wish eee fit Flow like the way Man Wey Dey Reason flow..
Re: Pitakwa by flow1759: 2:51pm On Feb 27, 2023
SadiqAdnan98:
The story dey flow well N O R M A L ..

but i wish eee fit Flow like the way Man Wey Dey Reason flow..

Okay, it will i promise
Re: Pitakwa by flow1759: 2:54pm On Feb 27, 2023
In 1991 something remarkable happened in my life.

Forget about 1991, in 2018 when I was broke in July something else happened.

“Oboy this plantain don ripe ooh” Nas told me.

“Yes na e ripe well well” I returned but no be our own “I looked away”

“Guy make we go thief this plantain, e go make sense if we cook plantain porridge if we reach house” Nas assumed.

“You no know who get this farm?” I queried, “Na old soldier get am ooh”


Our dear soldier was far from being a soldier; he was a mad soldier.

People thought old soldier was mad, if you ask me I will say he was madder than what the people say. He was a bus stop thug a.k.a Agbero, a bus conductor, a farmer, a businessman, a sport enthusiast, a lecturer and a mad man.

Yes, if madness was a profession then old soldier was a master degree holder in the profession.


“so how we go take cut this plantain now” I was scared, so scared, “no cutlass”.

“No worry I fit cut plantain without cutlass” Nas assured.

“How na?” I almost asked.

I quickly glanced at my wrist watch to see it was one hour past 17:59pm; we were walking into a dark bush.

There could be a snake around waiting to sting our heels, or so I thought.

“oboy I dey fear ooh”

“Guy no fear, you be woman?” He always said that but oftentimes at the wrong time.

“See wetin go happen ehnn, if I cut the plantain one one, I go dey throw am give you” Like I was Italian Buffon in the goal post.


Soon Nas was plucking the plantain one after the other out of the bunch. He had thrown three plantains to me which I caught excellently when I heard a loud scream.

“Yeaaaaeeeeh!”

“Oboy you dey okay?”

“Ant ooooooooh” Nas screamed louder “Antttttt, I don die ooh”

“Ant?” I was confused.

I thought of running to Nas and “his” ants, then thought otherwise for the sake of my precious s’crotal sack, yet my friend’s s’crotal system was on fire.

“fire ooh, fire ooh! Fire!” Nas cried with a loud voice.

Fire and ants; was there a correlation? So I thought.

“Flow help me ooh” Now fear was written all over me.

I was sweating, jogging, farting, and crying all at the same time.

The moment I saw Nas fell and was rolling on the ground then I knew we needed fire extinguisher.

Running to the road I met a soldier.

Old soldier.

2 Likes

Re: Pitakwa by flow1759: 5:30pm On Feb 27, 2023
“Old soldier no be me thief the plantain ooh” I cried tied rolling on the floor, “Na this idiot!”

“Na lie ooh, old soldier na Flow say make we go pluck the plantain ” Nas lied.

I saw one ant crawled towards me from Nas’s side - a big ant, but I ignored because I was more interested in Old soldier’s wrath than an ant that I could easily crush.

“Una go see wetin I go do una today” Old soldier threatened, “I go cut una gboola”


“Yeaeeeeeeeeeeh! My priiiiiick, ant” I tried to free myself.

“wetin dey do this one! Ant dey bite you?” Old soldier noticed I was dying yet couldn’t help myself because I was tied.

“my priiiick! Old soldier help me scratch my prrriiiick” I cried bitterly, “ant dey there!”

Old soldier had taken off my short and searched foolishly for my p’enis, was he blind? Or had he turned albino?

I could feel the hottest of the machete Old soldier held, “that no be my priiiick na, na my nyansh be that na”

“Old soldier the ant not dey my nyansh, e dey my priiick” I cautioned.

“I know but I wan use this hot knife burn your nyansh for thiefing my thing” He returned.

“Old soldier no be me thief your thing, na Nas” I cried fidgeting.

“hmmmmmnnnn, see as your nyansh dey smell sef, hmmmnnn, you dey clean your nyansh anytime wey you s’hit so?”

“No, Yes, No, I mean yes, I dey clean my nyansh” My muscle was pulling.

“No worry when I put this hot knife inside your nyansh, the nyansh go clean!” Old soldier offered, “who senior for una two sef?”

“Na Nas senior sir!” I shouted.

“Na Flow senior me!” Bloody liar that was three years older than me.

“Old soldier no mind am na him senior me ooh, them born am 1984 and born me 1987, na him senior me!” My stomach rumbled.

“Na lie na Flow senior me!” I let out a half-baked fart.

“Na Nas senior me!” I saw Old soldier making the machete hotter in the fire.

“Flow, na you senior me ooh!” Nas cried.

“Nas, Na me senior you ooh!” I contradicted what I insinuated.

“Eheeeen! Na you senior be that na!” Old soldier grabbed me closer to the hot knife and I let out a full-baked fart.

2 Likes

Re: Pitakwa by WAACUT(m): 12:26pm On Mar 06, 2023
Flow welcome back.... continue the good work
Re: Pitakwa by flow1759: 8:43am On Mar 18, 2023
WAACUT:
Flow welcome back.... continue the good work

Thank you for being a fan
Re: Pitakwa by flow1759: 8:50am On Mar 18, 2023
“Fishbone today na Flow birthday ooh!” Nas announced in the morning of June 23, 2019.

“ehen! Hope say him go celebrate am?” Fishbone needed to know.

“Oboy I no go celebrate anything ooh” I informed them, “No money for any celebration”

“Flow why you go talk like that na!” Nas said “Big boy like you”

“I no be big boy abeg!”

“Flow no worry I go sponsor us, make we go drink Brukutu for Bori camp” Fishbone offered.

Brukutu taken in Bori camp is five times as intoxicating as whiskey and vodka combined.


We sat at Madam Maimuna Brukutu, and as I took a huge gulp from my second calabash I began to think of God’s goodness in my life all these years; tagged "wetin baba God don do for Flow so far".

“Flow go buy suya come na” and indeed when this substance Brukutu is taken along it’s sister suya, it is heavenly.

“Buy suya 2500 Naira” Fishbone offered me money.


At Adamu suya stand, I met with the usual queue.

“Wetin this guy dey put for him suya wey dey make people dey rush am like this” I asked myself as I stood waiting for my turn.

Legend has it that Adamu sold us flesh from a dead human little wonder his meat tasted amazingly delicious - what business of mine was that, as far as I ate the meat with legendary Brukutu I was safe of any health hazard. Or so I thought.

“Adamu give me suya 2k, testing 500 Naira!” I thought it wasn’t me that said that.

“Which one be testing 500 Naira, you go say suya 2500 Naira!” Adamu corrected.

“No be wetin I mean, I want suya 2k and testing 500 Naira” I sure wanted to cheat my friends who were waiting for me to come with suya of 2500 Naira.

“I no dey sell testing” Adamu said.

“But na wetin I want, give me as I want am, customer is always right” I moved closer.

“Oga I go behave for myself ooh” Adamu made a statement that confused me totally.

“Behave! No wonder! I talk am say you get bad behavior!” I was speaking under the influence of Brukutu the destroyer.

“I dey mad? Who get bad behavior? Na me get bad behavior?” Adamu was furious.

“Na you say you get bad behavior na” Alcohol was having a filled day with me.

“I dey curse me fa!” Adamu came closer.

“Na you dey curse yourself na” My eyes were blurred

When a shinny dagger was pulled out my blurry sight saw HD.

3 Likes

Re: Pitakwa by flow1759: 10:37am On Mar 18, 2023
“Flow Adamu for kill ooh, If no be say Fishbone come save you”

“I think say you get black belt for Kung fu!” Eze who just came laughed.

“Him get black belt, Adamu get Green belt and dagger” Nas too laughed at me.

“Ehen wetin make Adamu wan beat you sef?” Fishbone was curious.

“ehnnn, ehnnn, ehmnnn, him no get sense jor” That was all I could say.

“Guys I bring 404 come!” Eze brought out the content of his bag.

Brukutu is best served with Dog meat a.k.a 404 when compared to suya, or so I thought – the friction at which the Dog meat easily slips though one’s throat is second to none. Combining both Dog meat and suya was world class.


I was on my second calabash after Adamu scenario and continued thinking of “Wetin Baba God don do for Flow so far”

I remembered when Baba God saved me from drowning in a flooded gutter. That day the water from the gutter tasted like fine wine. That was on 34th birthday.

I flashed back to frog jumping up to 300 times just because I wanted to pay my girlfriend Coretha a surprise visit in her residence in the barracks on my birthday. That was on my 33rd birthday.

I remembered smoking weed and going fishing in a swimming pool on my 32nd birthday.

I couldn’t forget being chased by a dog and ran into a big pot of beans cooked by Teekay at the O42 restaurant. The dog bit me and by b’utt got burned too. I was bedridden for the rest of my 31st birthday and two week after.

I remember my own birthday cake almost killing me on my 30th birthday. I thought it was poisoned and I arrested the caterer.


“Make we dey go house!” Eze said, “I carry that my Uncle car come, but I don too high, who go drive us”

“Me sef don take five calabash of BKT, I no go fit drive” Fishbone said.

“Me I no dey see clear again” Nas said.

“Flow you no too drink na, na you go drive us go house” Fishbone declared.

“Yeeaah! The birthday boy will drive us home!” Eze said as he handed over the car keys to me.

One birthday too many.

2 Likes

Re: Pitakwa by SunFlow(m): 6:34pm On Mar 18, 2023
flow1759:
“Fishbone today na Flow birthday ooh!” Nas announced in the morning of June 23, 2019.

“ehen! Hope say him go celebrate am?” Fishbone needed to know.

“Oboy I no go celebrate anything ooh” I informed them, “No money for any celebration”

“Flow why you go talk like that na!” Nas said “Big boy like you”

“I no be big boy abeg!”

“Flow no worry I go sponsor us, make we go drink Brukutu for Bori camp” Fishbone offered.

Brukutu taken in Bori camp is five times as intoxicating as whiskey and vodka combined.


We sat at Madam Maimuna Brukutu, and as I took a huge gulp from my second calabash I began to think of God’s goodness in my life all these years; tagged "wetin baba God don do for Flow so far".

“Flow go buy suya come na” and indeed when this substance Brukutu is taken along it’s sister suya, it is heavenly.

“Buy suya 2500 Naira” Fishbone offered me money.


At Adamu suya stand, I met with the usual queue.

“Wetin this guy dey put for him suya wey dey make people dey rush am like this” I asked myself as I stood waiting for my turn.

Legend has it that Adamu sold us flesh from a dead human little wonder his meat tasted amazingly delicious - what business of mine was that, as far as I ate the meat with legendary Brukutu I was safe of any health hazard. Or so I thought.

“Adamu give me suya 2k, testing 500 Naira!” I thought it wasn’t me that said that.

“Which one be testing 500 Naira, you go say suya 2500 Naira!” Adamu corrected.

“No be wetin I mean, I want suya 2k and testing 500 Naira” I sure wanted to cheat my friends who were waiting for me to come with suya of 2500 Naira.

“I no dey sell testing” Adamu said.

“But na wetin I want, give me as I want am, customer is always right” I moved closer.

“Oga I go behave for myself ooh” Adamu made a statement that confused me totally.

“Behave! No wonder! I talk am say you get bad behavior!” I was speaking under the influence of Brukutu the destroyer.

“I dey mad? Who get bad behavior? Na me get bad behavior?” Adamu was furious.

“Na you say you get bad behavior na” Alcohol was having a filled day with me.

“I dey curse me fa!” Adamu came closer.

“Na you dey curse yourself na” My eyes were blurred

When a shinny dagger was pulled out my blurry sight saw HD.


Flow Nwanne!

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