Before I start,please i only need advice from married persons..
I got married in june 2010..for my age,it was pretty early,no experience whatsoever,I never thought about the negative part of it,at one point before my introduction,I told my parents that I wasn't interested in the whole wedding anymore but my parents spat fire and brimstone on me,there was nothing they did not say to me,to cut the story short,I did get married but it was hell for me,I just could not cope,I felt that I wasn't matured enough to be married on the other hand,my supposedly husband was aggressive,he had a crazy temper..we had crazy issues,it got to a point where he would hit me but I would always play the submissive wife which I finally got sick and tired of,I got pregnant but due to the regular arguments and constant fights,I lost the the pregnancy,finally I opted for a divorce which my parents totally refused,I was so depressed and stressed that I was on the verge of suicide,I started starving myself..I wanted a good marriage and a beautiful home but I never for once knew it was going to be so hard,finally I left home and everyone without anyone knowing where I was,that 9months into the marriage..I needed to get myself back together again,I stopped talking to my parents for a year,changed my numbers.
Mid last year,the husband got my number and started calling me,sending apology sms and asking me to please come back,that he's a changed man etc..my parents and I on the other hand patched things up,and now they are also pleading with me to go back to him..
I have been on my own since july,2011 and I have totally forgiven him for everything even though I can't write some of his wrong deeds here..I don't want a situation whereby I go back to him and I am having regrets again...pls I do sincerely need your advice on what to do..truth is I am scared of going back.

Eyaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

IF you don't go back u wouldn't know if he is repentant or not would you? Before going back, ensure you see signs that the things that made u leave before have been corrected. Put him to test if need be.

You lost that baby for a reason.










Read in between the line

it is well with you dear. If i were you, or you were my sister, i would not trust the judgement of my parents or pleas of my ex hubby. I would NOT return to him. You came out alive but lost a baby in that marriage, you may loose your life next.
i would like to believe your hubby would make sure you dont get a chance to run again if you reconcile with him. I can only imagine how life must have been for you, taking that decision with no family support, no love, nothing and its taken you this length of time to grieve, cry, recover and you are only trying to piece your life back together again and you want to start afresh with the same killer? wife beater? ill matured boy husband who cant control his temper?
Only you know whats best for you but i would not look back if i were you. I would move on, heal, give my self a chance to love again albeit for the right reasons and the right person not with someone that i know wasnt the man he should be to me when he had the chance to.
Men that hit women never change. God bless you

Jst few months into the marriage you have passed through all this, my dear don't ever think about going back talk more of doing so.
Let me ask you this few question
1 what are you doing now?
2 why did your parents push you into the marriage?
3 how did the both of you meet and is he learned?
4 In your innermost heart, what do you want to do?
lastly never allow anybody push you into any situation you will regret.

The truth is that i don't have a clue on what to do..i'm a private person and this is the first time i'm sharing this issue,each i think about it,i get mad,angry and devastated..right now,i love my job,my pets and myself..even the thoughts of being with another man scares my skin off me..

U rush to him because he is rich now u are runing for it,u must go back Α̣̣̥и̣̣̣̥d̶̲̥̅̊ continue copin Α̣̣̥и̣̣̣̥d̶̲̥̅̊ endurin.also teach Ɣ☺ΰ‎‎​r dauther how critical is it to rush into marriage just because of money.if u refuse to go back u may not ba ĦαƔ again in Ɣ☺ΰ‎‎​r life.u have tasted marriage don't go back to singleness bacause u won't beable to cope with it

@Poster - if you dont know what to do right now, then the BEST thing is do NOTHING. take no decision and carry on as normal. dont go back to him, dont open any lines of communication. let him be where he is, in your past. DOnt let your parents influence you becos when yawa gas, na ur body go hear am not them.
@Mark. Joshua - that one made a mistake doesnt mean one must live with the mistake for the rest of their life. If you married a woman than chopped off your manhood, would u go back to her becos she says she is sorry?

mark joshua: U rush to him because he is rich now u are runing for it,u must go back Α̣̣̥и̣̣̣̥d̶̲̥̅̊ continue copin Α̣̣̥и̣̣̣̥d̶̲̥̅̊ endurin.also teach Ɣ☺ΰ‎‎​r dauther how critical is it to rush into marriage just because of money.if u refuse to go back u may not ba ĦαƔ again in Ɣ☺ΰ‎‎​r life.u have tasted marriage don't go back to singleness bacause u won't beable to cope with it

Please,if you do not know what to say..just keep your mouth shut,you don't know me or my history.,he did not have a job when we got married,i got him a job through a friend's dad..too bad that he wasn't appreciated but i never used that to disrespect him..so pls shove it.

belle001: The truth is that i don't have a clue on what to do..i'm a private person and this is the first time i'm sharing this issue,each i think about it,i get mad,angry and devastated..right now,i love my job,my pets and myself..even the thoughts of being with another man scares my skin off me..

It is probably best you don't go back especially since you knew even before marriage that it was not the right decision for you. He may claim to have changed but is it likely?

If you do decide to go back, I would advice that you do it on a trial 'dating' basis not jumping back into the husband and wife role immediately. Give it a lot of time so that any behaviors he tries to hide will manifest themselves over time.

Oh! And great response to Mark Joshua!

Hmmmmmm!
You have jumped out.
If you have peace and you are HAPPY WITH YOUR SINGLE LIFE. . .why are you on NL?
You think making a 'HAPPY HOME' is a fairy tale?
The end justifies the means dear. . .

Marriage is an investment for YOUR OLD AGE.
But like all investments. . . the road to success comes with many sacrifices. THE ROAD IS LONG AND HARZADOUS!

Oh gal. . .put ya nyansh for one place and stay focused.
Even in marriage. . .A MAN SHOULD NEVER BE THE CENTER OF YOUR WORLD. . . not to mention your universe!

You should be busy having your children and staying employed. . . .before all your ovaries freeeeeeeeeeeeze up from stress.

I don't know who keeps telling you WOMEN especially that marriage is a 'WE' or 'US' affair!

IN ANY MARRIAGE. . .IT IS ONLY YOU AND I. . . NO 'US'. . .NO 'WE'!

What exactly has the man done that has not been done to our grandmothers in the ancient of days?

A WOMAN MAKES A HOME. . . You better believe it! A PATIENT AND LOVING WIFE IS THE BEST THERAPIST ANY MAD HUSBAND!

As long as he does not try to harm you sha o. . . .IF THERE WAS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. . . DON'T GO BACK!!!!

Kanwulia tenk u!

On d other hand, its always very good pinning d blame any other place except us.
At least let's accept we r not angels.
Its always my parents, my wife, my husband, even children and nebors.
O dikwa serious.

I have been trying so hard to keep this to myself but I cant hold it any longer







Mgbeketoto, I love you!

No be 'Les' things ooooo. Your posts are full of wisdom when you are like this. That other side of you? It Makes me s¤hi¤t in my pants

mark joshua: U rush to him because he is rich now u are runing for it,u must go back Α̣̣̥и̣̣̣̥d̶̲̥̅̊ continue copin Α̣̣̥и̣̣̣̥d̶̲̥̅̊ endurin.also teach Ɣ☺ΰ‎‎​r dauther how critical is it to rush into marriage just because of money.if u refuse to go back u may not ba ĦαƔ again in Ɣ☺ΰ‎‎​r life.u have tasted marriage don't go back to singleness bacause u won't beable to cope with it

What on earth is this 1 saying

4tunebest: I have been trying so hard to keep this to myself but I cant hold it any longer

Mgbeketoto, I love you!

No be 'Les' things ooooo. Your posts are full of wisdom when you are like this. That other side of you? It Makes me s¤hi¤t in my pants

Please, don't give my H-ENEMIES more ammunition to hate moi o!
This is a new year. . .
Any love in my direction causes H-ENEMIES to boil with JOLOSI. . . . and FALL FROM THEIR BEDS LIKE ROTTEN MAGGOT-FILLED MANGOS ON A DYING TREE. . . . .(I loooooooooove it sha)

Oh well. . .what can I say? You tink say 'madness' dey run for my family ni?
There have always been 2 kinds of people in my life. . .

1. Those who bring out the best in me
2. Those who bring out the worst in me

There are no middle grounds. . .or in betweens and NL is no different from the way I relate with people in my real life.

Who wan chop madness on or off line. . .I DEY KAMKPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Thanks sha. . .

:/

belle001: Before I start,please i only need advice from married persons..
I got married in june 2010..for my age,it was pretty early,no experience whatsoever,I never thought about the negative part of it,at one point before my introduction,I told my parents that I wasn't interested in the whole wedding anymore but my parents spat fire and brimstone on me,there was nothing they did not say to me,to cut the story short,I did get married but it was hell for me,I just could not cope,I felt that I wasn't matured enough to be married on the other hand,my supposedly husband was aggressive,he had a crazy temper..we had crazy issues,it got to a point where he would hit me but I would always play the submissive wife which I finally got sick and tired of,I got pregnant but due to the regular arguments and constant fights,I lost the the pregnancy,finally I opted for a divorce which my parents totally refused,I was so depressed and stressed that I was on the verge of suicide,I started starving myself..I wanted a good marriage and a beautiful home but I never for once knew it was going to be so hard,finally I left home and everyone without anyone knowing where I was,that 9months into the marriage..I needed to get myself back together again,I stopped talking to my parents for a year,changed my numbers.
Mid last year,the husband got my number and started calling me,sending apology sms and asking me to please come back,that he's a changed man etc..my parents and I on the other hand patched things up,and now they are also pleading with me to go back to him..
I have been on my own since july,2011 and I have totally forgiven him for everything even though I can't write some of his wrong deeds here..I don't want a situation whereby I go back to him and I am having regrets again...pls I do sincerely need your advice on what to do..truth is I am scared of going back.

Listen to your own self. Trust yourself you are not stupid and you love yourself more than any one.

Look within yourself and do what makes YOU happy.
Luckily,no kids to traumatise

At Op! I believe there is a reason for everything. You alone know why you left and the reason you refused to return.
2 options if you want a divorce:
1. File now and let the Court decide whether the marriage subsists or
2. File in August 2014 and the court must grant the divorce.
call 08093779782 for advise, if needed!
By the way, thumbs up for disappearing

OP..I may not want to be too inquisitive as wht lead u into an early matrimonial home.however this is my opinion..weigh d pros and cons of d marriage,how mch good than evil has ur hubby done during ur cohabitation days?aside frm his temper does he in anyway make u hapi..do u see urslf changing him?is he d listen and apply type,ask urself inwards cz u knw better.any counsel u may get on NL is nly a guide which may or may not work with what ur mind may tell u.In Africa women generally go tru a stigama when de pull out or are being pulled out of d matrimonial home,even if it is apparent that its d man's fault.elements of blameworthiness will b pointed at d woman.
Look inwards plz and seek guide from the almighty..coz a refusal to choose in itself is a choice made,not to choose is a fact to choose not to choose.
Hardluck ma..

I think you need to stop listening to your parents with respect to that man. You wore the shoe. You knew where and how it hurt. They don't!

Rationally,my opinion like most would be "Never look back" especially since abuse was a factor but I know you want to hear different. You want to be cheered on ,encouraged that he's changed and all that. You want to hear "give him one more trial" and regardless of what's said here,you would still have the aces.
Be wise. Life is beautiful!

Would you be happy with this man for the rest of your life. Do you and your future kids deserve such a husband and father. Only you can answer these questions. Plus your parents need to take a neutral stand and stop the pressure. Why so desperate for what their child doesn't want. Does this guy have money

My sincere opinion!

If I were u, i'll go back! This man knows u won't take any shit from him, he's seen you free yourself before and he knows you'll do it again. If you still love him and you think you have sincerely forgiven him, go back and he'll most likely start behaving well. Let him know this time around that you'll be the best wife that you can be but if he messes up again, u'll be gone FOREVER! For him to come back after all these years, he has probably learnt his lesson!

Give him a second chance and if he behaves like an animal again, you know what to do!

Is there a way for you to find out if indeed he is a changed man?Abusive men rarely change and that is why I'm really not on the side of you going back.My sister's friend married a man that was divorced against all advice.The man showed her hell, beat her often she once she had to run out of the house at 12am.I do encourage reconciliation however if there is no domestic violence.
If there is a way for you to see and meet often to spend time together without you packing in yet,you can give it a trial.If not,just be gone for good as you have.

U fine sha.why did u have to rush into marriage?Your skin colour will not be good for beating.

malaika:


This is the first time I'm reading a post by a woman who chose to 'disappear'. I've read so many abuse stories on NL and I've often wondered why the disappearing act was not considered as an alternative to a tedious divorce or mediation (which would likely end up in the man's favour anyway). I applaud your incredible willpower, and I'm very interested in knowing how you planned your great escape and how you managed to stay undiscovered since July 2011 - how did you survive? I do understand that you had the 'advantage' of not having kids to cater for.

As for your question about going back, DON'T! In fact you can now start formal divorce proceedings, now that you are settled in your new life.

It took strength and courage for me to leave..i had to survive.

it took me God's grace to survive,if i never took that step,i won't be alive..i would rather be alone for good than find myself in that situation..it scares me that much..i'm talking about a man that locks me indoor when he goes out,that stalks me whenever i get the chance to go out,gets insane when my siblings call me..everything has changed me..

belle001: it took me God's grace to survive,if i never took that step,i won't be alive..i would rather be alone for good than find myself in that situation..it scares me that much..i'm talking about a man that locks me indoor when he goes out,that stalks me whenever i get the chance to go out,gets insane when my siblings call me..everything has changed me..

You are a very strong and courageous woman. Not many would have been as brave as you were to do the right thing and remove yourself from that dangerous situation.

It's best to never look back. He is a classic abuser and they typically don't change. Don't fall for his deception. Thank God there are no kids to tie you to him. Let him go and find a new victim.

Don't move in yet,

Start from square one, start dating him so u can access the said "change"

If you are financially okay then you are good to go without looking back @ him. Marriage takes a lot of maturity and since you feel u ain't mature enough then don't look back. The man that was begging u to come back sure have a parcel for you which was sure not good. A life was lost in the heat of arguement and abuse and don't wait until you lose yours because u might not be lucky next time.

PLEASE I BEG U IN GODS NAME DONT GO BACK! IF U DO U MAY LOSE UR LIFE.
This time he will use all avenues he can to make sure u don't run away again!

belle001: it took me God's grace to survive,if i never took that step,i won't be alive..i would rather be alone for good than find myself in that situation..it scares me that much..i'm talking about a man that locks me indoor when he goes out,that stalks me whenever i get the chance to go out,gets insane when my siblings call me..everything has changed me..

Young lady,if he did all these you wrote,then please don't go back.Men who act this way are not normal.I doubt if he can change but if he does,it's for his own good.
You have a new life now,start living it without him.I'll wish to talk with u.