Nairalanders, i am heart-broken. I and my fiancee have been dating for close to ten years now (many would ask, why this long?) It started far old as when i first became a senior secondary student. Today, i am a graduate and working and she is an undergraduate. Two years into this relationship, a serious pregnacy issue came up. I was mocked by my friends, accused and abused by her family. Even my own family rejected me for dragging their image to the mud. I took all these, but obviously not the responsibility to father a child at that age. One year after the baby arrived, we came back and rekindled the relationship. It became stronger and stronger that has lasted for another 8 years. While these years lasted, my fiancee had made me believed the 8-yr old baby was mine. Coupled with the love i have for her, the existence of the baby strenthened my bond and hope for fruitful relationship with her and also influenced  my marriage plans. Now that we are about to get married, she confessed the baby was actually not mine. She made this confession not willingly, but under a pressure i mounted on her for always having change of coutenance whenever i want to open the blueprint of my plan for my supposed first born. She is pleading for forgiveness, saying she loves me so much and does not want to loose me. She also said that only one member of her family knew about it (not even the parents are aware) and that i can decide to father the baby since the biological father was no where to be found. How do i father a baby that is not mine when i am still able and capable of producing mine? I love this girl so much and so, does she loves me (you can imagine 10 yrs).  I have also spent much training her in school and taking care of the supposed baby of mine. But, what do i do now that all my friends and family believed the baby is mine?
Please i need your immediate candid advice because she has planned to join me in one week time and i do not see that happening while i am still very hurt. I am thinking of telling my family and calling it quit or what would you do if you were to be in my shoes. See below the notes to shape your judgement:
She doesnt want me to expose it; many have been coming and asking her hand in marriage; she has been very faithful to me ever since i knew her. God bless u all.

Stuffs like this can make a rev father or a nun turn into an automatic Imagine 10 good years!!

Nigerian women UNA DO WELL OH

thats a tough one bro but IMHO there are many issues to deal with here:

FIRST go and get a test to confirm whether the child is yours or not.

SECOND although that child may not be yours, you have been his "non biological" father all along. running away now would surely make you feel better but have a thought for that lil one. just be a big happy family with that child and the other ones that may come along. et voila! if you plan on leaving then you have all the rights to do so.

THIRD there is a huge issue of deceit, dishonesty and lack of trust now in your union and i understand why you would wanna leave but, as you rightly said, she has shown remorse (although she could have told you earlier rather than having to "beat it" out of her.)

FOURTH you seem to be preoccupied by who knows about it how much you spent on that kid? think outside the box and focus on the important stuff rather than this silly issue. if you want to value your life depending on what people think of you then i can safely say that you will ALWAYS lose!

FIFTH be ready for the backlash of all the women on NL that will blame your problems on not marrying her after 10yrs of dating. lol

SIXTH i think you are wrong when writing:

she has been very faithful to me ever since i knew her

still thinking, reply on its way.

Does forcing another person child on you sound as being faithful? I don't think so.
A woman who can live with a secret as this for 10years is capable of killing you.

IMHO, quit now because it is a divine revelation to make you realize that if you go into the marriage, you are doom. What would you have done if you find out about this baby after marrying her. (I can't even imagine this type of pain and betrayal).

I always say that "it is better i have a broken relationship than to have a broken marriage".
If you can live with it, then go ahead and marry her.

nat138:

Well is rather unfortunate that your girlfriend kept secret the paternity of the baby from you. But I don't think that should be a hindrance to your plans if you say you love her as much as you claim, yes she lied but that is why she should be forgiven, at least she has told you the truth even if it was under duress. The fact still remains that your both families still think the child is yours and you have already endured all the insults and shame from them all these years, so why back out now? if you are really convinced she is the one for you, go for her my brother, after all you won't be the first person to father another man's child, people all over the world are doing it on a daily basis. Moreover am sure the child also believes you are his father since there is no other father figure.
Anyway think about it seriously and make up you mind.
And should you decide to marry her, please and please don't use this against her in future because she will feel highly betrayed.

Cheers

Now this is the most silly response ive ever seen in my life.
So he should continue taking care of another man's child
Put your self in his Gaddem shoes-- thats what ure gonna do--
Sighs some women would never stop defending their atrocities

Whatever you do, you will regret!

You shd let ur family knw whtz up,by ur family,i dnt mean u shd call a community meeting,maybe ur mom & dad.
The gurl hid smthn as important as d paternity of her son for 10yrz frm you and u claim she's faithful.
If ths happens to my brother,i'l advice him to let go of that woman,she's capable of killin/hurting u because she knws u r in love.
Please,dnt count d yearz,u'l meet smbdy else

You shd let ur family knw whtz up,by ur family,i dnt mean u shd call a community meeting,maybe ur mom & dad.
The gurl hid smthn as important as d paternity of her son for 10yrz frm you and u claim she's faithful.
If ths happens to my brother,i'l advice him to let go of that woman,she's capable of killin/hurting u because she knws u r in love.
Please,dnt count d yearz,u'l meet smbdy else

Thanks all of you. I appreciate the diversified views. Still waiting for more

Can you still trust her?

Can you truly look at the child and not think of pain, deceit and forced / coerced investment?

Can you ignore the fact that a woman who is able to lie to you consistently for 10 years can cheat or you easily again . . or even kill you?

Can you deal with the fact that you forced the truth out of her?

Can you ignore the pain and accusations you dealt with several years ago all because she lied on you without remorse?

Are you sure you can love your own biological child and this basterd equally?


These questions may be tough but will be helpful.

Gud questions Kokoye. One, i still trust her very well not to cheat on me easily or kill me as you put it. The baby is a girl and doesn't bother me that much. It is either the bilogical father claims and takes her or she will someday, gets married. I can also deal with the fact that i forced the truth out of her and can equally ignore the accusations and humiliations i went through. However, i must be frank with you, i will feel terribly bad on the sight of the baby and even the mother. I don't know whether it's because it's still fresh in my mind. I would not say how i will feel about it in the future.

Sometimes, fear makes us do things that we would ordinarily not have considered. It was wrong for her to cheat on you and still keep the act of her child's paternity from you. But like you said, she has been fathful and has stuck with you ever seen.

Like Kokoye has said, just search within yourself to see if you can still trust her and trully love the child despite all

tpm:

Gud questions Kokoye. One, i still trust her very well not to cheat on me easily or kill me as you put it. The baby is a girl and doesn't bother me that much. It is either the bilogical father claims and takes her or she will someday, gets married. I can also deal with the fact that i forced the truth out of her and can equally ignore the accusations and humiliations i went through. However, i must be frank with you, i will feel terribly bad on the sight of the baby and even the mother. I don't know whether it's because it's still fresh in my mind. I would not say how i will feel about it in the future.

The bolded is not good enough. Shows You really wouldnt care about her because she will be leaving anyway.

Good luck with whatever decision you make.

seems u'v already made up ur mind. if u can deal with it, go for her! afterall, the child already sees u as her father

Will I be wrong to call the child a b.astard?

oh yes! because the child sees u as her father~ so take it that way

^^^^ ok. does the child know her father . . is she being told the truth about her real father?

Define the word: B.astard.

Bastard is a child that doesnt have parents~

Are you serious??

i dont know what happened but i actually wrote 'a B.A.S.T.A.R.D.D. child is someone that has no parents'

is that ur final answer?

leave her immediately if not she will still do something greater than that in future.as for the child you can continue to provide for him.

Poster,Dont wash ur dirty linen in public.Since u said u loved her,then marry her and take full responsibility of d baby.If u leave her and marry another lady,do u knw d type of character she posses?The devil we ve known 4 along time is better dan d angel u dont knw.Think about it?

^^^ Things never really improve with reasonings like this.

10yrs is too long a period to keep a secret from your supposed friend. I'll say fear made her do that and that you so trusted her to believe it thinking she was faithful to you.

The experience might have humbled her but my fear is that she never wanted to reveal it to you and thats bad.

That rship was built on deceit and will always remain on deceit 'cos it will take a long time for you to forget it. If even she tells you the truth on another issue you would double check to believe.

Olami099:

Poster,Dont wash your dirty linen in public.Since u said u loved her,then marry her and take full responsibility of d baby.If u leave her and marry another lady,do u knw d type of character she posses?The devil we ve known 4 along time is better dan d angel u dont knw.Think about it?

he was confused and needed advise.

.

I wl nt marry her if i were in ur shoes reason,she's nt trustworthy at all. I wld prefer a woman who hide d secret of having a baby by another man b4 bt disclose it afta 10yrs of being in a relationship wt her than making me believe dat d child i thot was mine was'nt mine at all. She may cheat after d marriage and tell u anoda story again and dat wl b ur journey to six ft unda.

ask God to help you. i really dont know what to say

Leave her immediately. How could she have humiliated you and your self esteem when she was pregnant and now she tells you the truth ? For what!?! So u can give her a hug or  for her to prove she loves you? This beats my imagination now the child who knows you to be the father will have to come to terms with knowing you are not the daddy he sees all the time.

i dont know why Nigerian women(some oo b4 una go kill me) do things without thinking of the consequences, its all selfish interest. Abeg kick her if you cant do it iwill help you send me address&time. nonsense

:-x