“Time is like a river made up of the events which happen, and a violent stream; for as soon as a thing has been seen, it is carried away, and another comes in its place, and this will be carried away too.” - Marcus Aurelius, Meditations Book 4, 45.

Upon the occasion of one of his stepsons Tutor’s deaths, Marcus Aurelius was said to have wept so violently that the palace guards attempted to restrain him. Marcus’ stepfather, Antoninus, told the guards to leave him be,

“Neither philosophy nor empire,” Antoninus said, “takes away natural feeling.”

Indeed, no Stoic would advocate the removal of the emotions, and when someone close to you dies, it will be a great emotional burden to you. Grief is not irrational, and indeed this natural feeling of loss is integral to our humanity and our moral compass. It, like everything else, plays a part in life which is essential, if not enjoyable.

In this text, I hope to challenge you to see life and death differently, and in so doing, perhaps cushion the blow which is inevitable. I will reiterate that grief is no violation of any Stoic law, and it is those who turn away from honest emotions who live unstoically. However, there is also a balance to maintain, as Seneca puts it,

“Let not the eyes be dry when we have lost a friend, nor let them overflow. We may weep, but we must not wail.”

It seems absurd that within the critical moment of loss we have a duty to ourselves to be moderate in our grieving, yet that is what the Stoics believed we ought to do. Consider Epictetus’ words on the matter,

“With regard to whatever objects give you delight, are useful, or are deeply loved, remember to tell yourself of what general nature they are, beginning from the most insignificant things. If, for example, you are fond of a specific ceramic cup, remind yourself that it is only ceramic cups in general of which you are fond. Then, if it breaks, you will not be disturbed. If you kiss your child, or your wife, say that you only kiss things which are human, and thus you will not be disturbed if either of them dies.” Enchiridion 3

It is important that we remember that the Stoics encouraged grieving, so ‘disturbed’ does not refer to your emotional grief, but your philosophical resolve. This is the first and most important thing of all: what do you believe about life and death? If you are as most men are, you neglect to think about death often, despite it being a constant around you and an inevitability for you. Such philosophical neglect allows others to fill in your mind with their beliefs about death, and that is why there is a prevailing belief that death is bad. Being unphilosophical about the inevitabilities of life is the greatest curse one can place on themselves, for that which is inevitable will come, and you shall either deal with it as a man prepared or a man unprepared. There is a day coming when you will be thrown into the sea. Shall you not then learn how to swim?

Part of our philosophical duty to ourselves is to see things just as they are, and remove the incorrect biases that make these things appear more terrible than they actually are. This applies to all things, for a stressful interview is no more than a single millisecond in the measuring of all time, and this body is no more than a collection of cells, and death is nothing more than the dissolution of those cells. So in preparing for death, both of our loved ones and our own, we must remember that it is us who judge it. Many a death is celebrated by cruel men, many a death never affects you and thus is indifferent, so how can you say death is bad when you treat every death differently? If death itself was mournful, your tears would never cease. No, rather it is the death of those close to us that upsets us, and we may even find smaller but similar griefs in the destruction of a treasured relationship, where we find ourselves grieving something which we once had. The difference here is finality, a past friend may be met once again, but the dead survive only in memory, their time has passed, and all opportunities for time or experience with them are no more than wishes. A seemingly bitter truth, that death is the end, and a sadder truth that men latch onto the past and regret not doing this or that for their loved one.

If they had perceived the finality and inevitability of death, would they have such regrets? Would they have left words unsaid? No, and this is the philosophically freeing thing about Stoicism, you have no more time left to live except this moment. The past is but a memory and the future does not belong to you, only this moment exists. As Marcus Aurelius puts it,

“So you must not think a man has lived long because he has white hair and wrinkles: he has not lived long, just existed long. For suppose you should think that a man had had a long voyage who had been caught in a raging storm as he left harbour, and carried hither and thither and driven round and round in a circle by the rage opposing winds. He did not have a long voyage, just a long tossing about.” Seneca, On the Shortness of Life

Life without purpose will never be long enough, and life with purpose finds itself satisfied with whatever may come. Does this seem to be in conflict with feelings of grief? It is not, in the same way that I feel the pain of an injury while also recognizing no true harm has befallen me, so too I shall feel emotional distress while seeing that nothing bad has happened to me. It is for us to judge whether emotional or physical distress is bad or good or indifferent, so feel it and tell me if you have been harmed by it? I do not claim either are enjoyable, but I do not also see how these things change my character into something less than what I would want it to be, and because who I am is my most treasured possession, such pains do not harm me.

Indeed, the person I choose to be is my only true possession, with all possessions and peoples around me eventually becoming dust just as I will. It is the choices I make which define my person, and nothing more do I honestly and truly control, not even my body is within my control, for does it not fall into sickness and disrepair? If I truly controlled it, I would not have it do these things. So I do not see the emotional distresses of life as an evil, but as a trial to take up gladly. I see my character tested by difficulty and I thank life for such difficulties, for if my character is not tested how am I to discover my own capabilities? And do we not better enjoy the sweetness of things because of the bitterness of other things? Shall you tell me that mortality is an evil when it brings us humans so much closer together? If your loved one could not die, would you not always have time to spend with her? And in knowing this, would you not neglect your duty to do so?

The ephemeral nature of life is what makes it possible for us to waste it… and to make good use of it. In treating death as something bad, we make the judgment that infinite life is good, but what use would you have of others if you were immortal? Would you find yourself more in love with those close to you, or would you drift away with the thought that you could always return? Finality is a gift, and perhaps it is a gift more like a needle than like a warm bowl of food, but it is a gift nonetheless. If this present moment is all we live, then it is imperative that we heed the words of Marcus Aurelius and Seneca,

“Wander aimlessly no longer. For neither will you read your own memoirs, nor the acts of the ancient Romans and Greeks, and the selections from books which you were reserving for old age. Hasten then to the end which you have before you, and throwing away idle hopes, come to your own aid while it is in your power to do so, if you care at all for yourself.” Meditations, Book 3, 14

“The greatest obstacle to living is expectancy, which hangs upon tomorrow and loses today… The whole future lies in uncertainty: live immediately!” - Seneca, On the Shortness of Life

If you believe something important, then remember you have no more time for it than you give presently, and remember that this adds a sort of urgency to life that is good, so that we are not lackadaisical in our learning. You have not lost your loved one yet, and indeed what you truly grieve is that you shall not have any new experiences with her. Go now, and have them, do not miss the opportunity presented to you, and when the time comes, think of what you did for her while it was in your power. You were not wasteful with that which you knew would leave you, and though these experiences may even add to the sting of her death, in future times made present you shall recall that you did not shy away from reality in false hope, you embraced what was inevitable, and you set about using your time as a wise man would.

“Don’t let yourself forget how many doctors have died, furrowing their brows over how many deathbeds. How many astrologers, after pompous forecasts about others’ ends. How many philosophers, after endless disquisitions on death and immortality. How many warriors, after inflicting thousands of casualties themselves. How many tyrants, after abusing the power of life and death atrociously, as if they were themselves immortal. How many whole cities have met their end: Helike, Pompeii, Herculaneum, and countless others.

And all the ones you know yourself, one after another. One who laid out another for burial, and was buried himself, and then the man who buried him - all in the same short space of time.

In short, know this: Human lives are brief and trivial. Yesterday a blob of semen; tomorrow embalming fluid, ash.

To pass through this brief life as nature demands. To give it up without complaint.

Like an olive that ripens and falls.

Praising its mother, thanking the tree it grew on.” - Marcus Aurelius, Meditations Book 4, 48.

When death comes to you, whatever has happened to you will be set in time. These things which happen to us cannot be determined nor controlled, and thus whatever life we live is not one of a sequence of events, but rather a sequence of opinions. It is not the life we live but the opinions we hold of it that ultimately matter, this is why ridding ourselves of false beliefs about life and death will help us to become more tranquil, regardless of circumstance.

“No man is crushed by misfortune unless he has first been deceived by prosperity.” - Seneca, On Grief for Lost Friends

So do not be deceived, do not think a thing is good because it gives pleasure or some material benefit to you, rather see it as a preferred indifferent, and focus instead on that which is in your control, live according to the words of Epictetus,

“Some things are in our control and others not. Things in our control are opinion, pursuit, desire, aversion, and, in a word, whatever are our own actions. Things not in our control are body, property, reputation, command, and, in one word, whatever are not our own actions.

The things in our control are by nature free, unrestrained, unhindered; but those not in our control are weak, slavish, restrained, belonging to others. Remember, then, that if you suppose that things which are slavish by nature are also free, and that what belongs to others is your own, then you will be hindered. You will lament, you will be disturbed, and you will find fault both with gods and men. But if you suppose that only to be your own which is your own, and what belongs to others such as it really is, then no one will ever compel you or restrain you. Further, you will find fault with no one or accuse no one. You will do nothing against your will. No one will hurt you, you will have no enemies, and you not be harmed.” Epictetus, Enchiridion 1

Be slave not to desire nor aversion, free your mind from these things and look at life as a collection of uncontrollable events, and not events as good or bad, but indifferent, and subject to opinion. Embrace all things with the knowledge that they are not unfolded, not yet, and that judging things as bad makes them so, and that even death, which is ever so painful, is good and just. In the face of an ignorant person exercise patience and restraint, in the face of cruelty show goodness and kindness, in the face of praise show humility, and in the face of tragedy show resolve.

Fate holds you in its hands, and what will happen, will happen. Only your opinion is in your power, and you may choose to curse what happens but it will happen all the same, and you will bemoan your state when you could have accepted it. Cleanthes poem on fate is apt in this situation,

My Father, whithersoever thou shalt wish

I shall not falter, but obey with speed.

And though I would not, I shall go, and suffer

In sin and sorrow what I might have done

In noble virtue. Aye, the willing soul

Fate leads, but the unwilling drags along.

One doesn’t get to choose how their life unfolds or what becomes of them, but one does get to choose what they think of it, so to everything that befalls you, accept it and do not go with resentment or hatred. It is the mark of a wise man to live not demanding nor expecting anything from life. Is there any scroll upon which things are guaranteed to you? No? Then do not expect life to spare you from pain, and do not find difficulties unexpected, rather, look at life honestly and see that difficulties beset us all and it is in our power to choose whether difficulties toss us about or strengthen us. Echo these words of Marcus Aurelius in your daily living,

“Everything harmonizes with me, which is harmonious to thee, O universe. Nothing for me is too early or late, wish is in due time for thee. Everything is fruit to me which thy seasons bring, O nature: from thee are all things, in thee are all things, to thee all things return.” Meditations Book 4, 23.