After 1+ Years, She Want To Come Back But I Felt Nothing For Her Again - Family - Nairaland
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| After 1+ Years, She Want To Come Back But I Felt Nothing For Her Again by kindway: 10:55pm On Dec 15, 2011 |
, sequel to this old thread. https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria?topic=502853.msg6658170#msg6658170 We got separated , she left back for 9ija with the Baby, she has been long gone. I had my peace of mind, I am happy with myself. Things went a little bit rough at the beginning like loosing the job I had, but Thank God after some months I was able to get another one and moved on. We still talk, I do call to talk to my boy and One day, she said started sobbing on the phone, that she is very sorry about everything she has been doing, that she realised she has not been a good wife etc. These continued for some months. My response is that I am actually sorry to say this, there is no feeling or whatsoever or nothing left in me again in to give the relationship a push again. The pains, the memory usually haunt me. 3 days ago, I called and she started by saying that "I am not saying this to make you feel good, but You have shown me real love but I misused my opportunity, I have treated you badly and I would love to make amendment. As we are approaching new Year, I want to be back with you, live happily with you and make you happy, but if you are not saying anything, i will take it as God's wish for us to live apart as this will be my last time of saying this." It has been over a year, sincerely I did not miss her, I am just here, no feeling for her or any lady around, I was bitter about myself asking how did I allow this to happen to me, I have come over it but I got nothing left to give it a PUSH again. |
| Re: After 1+ Years, She Want To Come Back But I Felt Nothing For Her Again by Outstrip(f): 3:22am On Dec 16, 2011 |
This truly breaks my heart. I agree that there is nothing like peace of mind. This is what I think though. Don't make any promises to here but maybe just maybe if you let her back in with time you can forgive her and love her again. What if she comes back to the states and you guys maintain separate households for a while. I can almost feel your hurt and to be honest trust is sooooooooooo important to someone like me that I can understand why it could be hard to accept her back. Think about this very hard. Maybe you could give her a chance but still protect yourself and you child too. Don't give the child false hope |
| Re: After 1+ Years, She Want To Come Back But I Felt Nothing For Her Again by Probity100: 6:00am On Dec 16, 2011 |
@poster. Just forgive her and I believe with time, the love will grow back again and it will be stronger than ever before. Thank God you have child which should make you to forgive her. And thank God she has even realized her mistakes. So, my brother, take her back, love her and chart the way forward for your family. Good luck! |
| Re: After 1+ Years, She Want To Come Back But I Felt Nothing For Her Again by Nobody: 8:18am On Dec 16, 2011 |
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| Re: After 1+ Years, She Want To Come Back But I Felt Nothing For Her Again by Nobody: 9:03am On Dec 16, 2011 |
As you make your bed so will you lie on it. I have nothing to say to you and even if I did have something, I'd rather say it to people who are willing to listen and admit to their wrongs, people who own up to their mistakes and not people who blame others for their mistakes, people with brain caps. Hope you are enjoying your relationship with your teddy bear friend. |
| Re: After 1+ Years, She Want To Come Back But I Felt Nothing For Her Again by Nobody: 10:37am On Dec 16, 2011 |
kind.way: I'm sure if you break up your r/ship with that girl that has been 'servicing' you, you'll find the willingness in your heart to make up with your wife!  'To err is human BUT to forgive is divine . . . ' I'm sure it must have taken her a lot of effort to forgive your own wrong doings, look beyound the problems you guys were facing, and see the man she fell in love with and married in the first place. The least you could do is try . . . . . |
| Re: After 1+ Years, She Want To Come Back But I Felt Nothing For Her Again by kindway: 10:49am On Dec 16, 2011 |
Outstrip,CC,Probity100: Thanks a lot for the advice, Nobody is perfect, No one including my good-self, I realised my wrongs, may be I should have done a lot in a different way instead of giving up. May be I should have let the love side win instead of turning on the beasty side and rage back. May be more patience would have made a lot of difference than reaching a breaking point. Her coming back depends on a lot of things to me, Her VISA was revoked when she left, which means I have to get a good lawyer to proof hat the relationship is back, pay for the fees and co, Do I really want to spend that much on her again in my life (Just thinking aloud). chaircover: The Bold part above is my fear, What of if she has not changed 'cause I remembered that she has made such promise before we got married when I insisted we are breaking up then, she only changed for some couple of months before bringing her nature back. Her response to my fear is Outstrip comment below that she wont mind staying in a different place for her to convince me that she has truly changed. Outstrip: @jennykandy If there is one thing, I have learnt, "Never respond to every word a woman say" yOu are entitled to your opinion but these I know: There has been no woman, no sex for the past year, Guys around me has tried all sort, took me to clubs, took me to parties, introduce "friends" but see there is more to life than woman thingy. I don't just believe in love again, no feeling whatsoever is there. i dont believe in self-sacrificing for any: i t does not worth it . By the way ladies are best when they are just friends. |
| Re: After 1+ Years, She Want To Come Back But I Felt Nothing For Her Again by N101: 11:56am On Dec 16, 2011 |
I still would like to know if you ever ostracised the woman who sent you the teddy bear text that was a catalyst for all this wahala in the first place. Funny enough you've been very silent on that, client or no client. I have to say JennyK has been on point on this one. You have painted yourself very much the victim. Your wife may have been wrong and short tempered, but I don't see you trying to rectify the situation. If you were remotely considering reconciling with your wife, I suggest you meet her in Nigeria and take it from there. |
| Re: After 1+ Years, She Want To Come Back But I Felt Nothing For Her Again by kindway: 12:09pm On Dec 16, 2011 |
^^^^ I have stated it several times, there is nothing, I mean absolutely nothing between me and the teddy bear girl, She used to be a friend and i have even created big gap in between us. |
| Re: After 1+ Years, She Want To Come Back But I Felt Nothing For Her Again by Nobody: 12:49pm On Dec 16, 2011 |
^^^^ Na wa oh . . . I think your wife is a bit crazy (I went to the previous thread). Why would someone behave like that over a text message? Maybe you are not telling us the full story sha . . . .  |
| Re: After 1+ Years, She Want To Come Back But I Felt Nothing For Her Again by Nobody: 2:41pm On Dec 16, 2011 |
Ujujoan: Very crazy, honestly. Is it everything she flares up over? Anyway I read this from the other thread. . .the lady that texted him calling him a teddy bear. Why are men blind to women's antics?  Why would a decent girl text another person's husband 'hey, teddy bear?' Women are evil.No woman would ever pay such attention to a guy she cannot date or sleep with. Then when the wife confronted her, she now said. . . While having my bath, she lied to me that she want to call a friend using my phone, she picked the Lady's number. While I was away to work, she called the Lady and started ranting on her. The lady in question is not normal when it comes to things like that, Omo Unilag, She just teard for my wife on the phone, and even told her that now she has drawn the battle line and she will take her husband away from her. Lolll. Seems poster is attracted to razz chics. If you should get married again, you are likely to marry someone who has the same flighty, over emotional temperament as your wife. |
| Re: After 1+ Years, She Want To Come Back But I Felt Nothing For Her Again by Nobody: 2:59pm On Dec 16, 2011 |
stillwater: Ha, you've not seen anything oh. Some girls are just out to ruin other people's marriages. I'm surprised the poster's wife will let her! If na me, I'll reply her the text and say . . . . your 'teddy bear' will have a good night rest with his WIFE!  And me and my husband will go ahead and have a good laugh over it!  |
| Re: After 1+ Years, She Want To Come Back But I Felt Nothing For Her Again by Nobody: 5:19pm On Dec 16, 2011 |
kind.way: @OP, Had to go and read the old posts. All I have to say to you is that,while I am totally against divorce if on can help it.(being divorced myself,so am talking from experience)Some women are just nuts and not worth the trouble.They just can not submit themselves to the authority of a man. Any woman who ups and leaves your house,should be old news,full stop. She has gone out and now seen that the grass on the other side that seemed greener is actually parched and dry,now she wants to come back! Some women are du.mb like that,so man you need to get on with your life.Your kid will come looking for you when the time is right as long as you handle your responsibilities. The fact that you feel nothing for this woman is understandable to me. It has been one long year,but I would advise you to take your time before you date again:Opposites attract. Do not fall in to the same kind of trap again. PEACE! |
| Re: After 1+ Years, She Want To Come Back But I Felt Nothing For Her Again by ronkebp(f): 7:25pm On Dec 16, 2011 |
@ poster feel for you oooo, i read your old post and it is really sad, that your wife is crazy, nevertherless, i still feel the fault is also from you, understanding is part of marraige, if you know the type of wife/ hubby you married, i think everything should be done to avoid unnecessary stress, like that home wrecker now that called you ''teddy bear'' what type of familiarity is between the both of you  ? Some women are very jealous and would go to any length to misbehave when''their property is on sale without their knowledge''.I would just advice that you take it slow, in as much as i don't support divorce, it is better than living in a cage with a hungry lion, she needs serious help, that attitude will not remain in a husbands house. What sent her packing before ? now the man whom she rejected is now the ''head of the corner''. |
| Re: After 1+ Years, She Want To Come Back But I Felt Nothing For Her Again by emmatok(m): 8:07pm On Dec 16, 2011 |
Guy don't fall for her antics. She just wants you, she does not love you. She just realized no man can tolerate her nonsense. Move on with your life and be happy. |
| Re: After 1+ Years, She Want To Come Back But I Felt Nothing For Her Again by obowunmi(m): 10:37pm On Dec 16, 2011 |
Move on. Don't look back. Devil in sheeps clothing. They don finish hin toto the thing don open wella like sack cloth. |
| Re: After 1+ Years, She Want To Come Back But I Felt Nothing For Her Again by wendycog: 1:33am On Dec 17, 2011 |
I think there is a bit of double standard on this thread from the women on NL. Regardless of all other issues (and there seems to be a lot of them), if a woman came on this site and said her husband slapped her on four different occasions, the women here would be saying - run away and don't look back. But now, you all seem quick to say - forgive and forget. @ Poster, I have been where you are - when you think there is no love left in your heart to give, but pls give it a shot for the sake of your son. That way you will know that you have given it your all, even if it doesn't work out, and you won't have to wonder ten years from now if you made the right decision. I see you are a Christian - pray to God about how you are feeling. I have been there, and God can restore those feelings. All the best. |
| Re: After 1+ Years, She Want To Come Back But I Felt Nothing For Her Again by Nobody: 1:46am On Dec 17, 2011 |
wendy_cog: Thank you for your truthful analysis. |
| Re: After 1+ Years, She Want To Come Back But I Felt Nothing For Her Again by dayokanu(m): 5:43am On Dec 17, 2011 |
After going back to Naija and she now feels some remorse but I dont think such people change. People that are loose with words. I know of a girl like that She can say anything, My friend was dating her at a time, She has fought everyone cursed at everyone and she is very gifted in abusing ppl Honestly I would be skeptical about allowing her to come back if you dont have any feeling for her cos this might not end well |
| Re: After 1+ Years, She Want To Come Back But I Felt Nothing For Her Again by Nobody: 7:29am On Dec 17, 2011 |
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| Re: After 1+ Years, She Want To Come Back But I Felt Nothing For Her Again by Nobody: 4:44pm On Dec 17, 2011 |
OP, I'm going to say leave her be. Never ever expect her to change, NEVER. She will form improved for a while but that's all she is - improved. She has only learnt how to delay her reactions later on they'll spring forth - speaking from experience. People are who they are, they do NOT change. The only reason you should consider taking her back is if you are willing to put up with her attitude, she's claiming CHANGED WOMAN because she don go test outside and igboro is unfriendly she realises that she had heaven with you now she regrets doing you anyhow. Now listen, all the while you were married she could have had a dude on the side- oh yes- which would explain a lot. My advice to you is leave her at baby mama status, dont f**k with your peace of mind. |
| Re: After 1+ Years, She Want To Come Back But I Felt Nothing For Her Again by Outstrip(f): 5:33pm On Dec 17, 2011 |
I have to go back and read all the previous issues from before. |
| Re: After 1+ Years, She Want To Come Back But I Felt Nothing For Her Again by dayokanu(m): 5:40pm On Dec 17, 2011 |
This dude according to what he told us wasnt into beating women but he already started How are we sure any wahala from this woman wont result in the Arowolo case? Thats how the deceased Titi went back thinking Kolade has changed, we all know how that ended Fresh_dude, Thats true, She has gone to taste the street and she found out that its not as rosy as they paint it to be That woman I mentioned earlier, separated from my friend in 2009. She fought all the friends who advised her to chill that you cant be cursing and abusing your husband at will and slapping him, She fought them all. One day my friend was gisting with his friend in Church after they departed, the girl went to meet the friend and said. I know the Unfortunate person has come to report me to you, bla blah blah and she started cursing and yelling on top of her voice Her other friends then were like: See how pretty you are leave the Poor man, I would introduce you to my cousin who lives in Atlanta, My friend who lives in Chicago, My Family friend in Naija blah blah bla You as fine as you are, you would be an instant hit all over America 2 yrs later after several chop and clean mouth from those they promised her didnt come through, She is now regretting and sending all emissaries to help beg my friend to take her back. |
| Re: After 1+ Years, She Want To Come Back But I Felt Nothing For Her Again by Nobody: 11:38pm On Dec 17, 2011 |
Kind.way I assure you she has not changed, she cannot change. This woman has had her congo well shined by callous men who might have been showering her with attention when she was married only to finally see their end game. She's coming to you because she's stuck and she knows that you're noble. She is just trying to take advantage. Accept her at your own peril, you might as well kiss your peace of mind goodbye for life and then you'll start committing adultery. Keep her where she is, a word is enough. |
| Re: After 1+ Years, She Want To Come Back But I Felt Nothing For Her Again by kindway: 1:50am On Dec 18, 2011 |
Scared, very scared I am, afraid? Yes I am very afraid. What of if she has not changed has she has promised. Some of her last word before departing mid last year. " I never loved you, I married you because of my parent and because I do not know how to tell you that I have no feelings for you after everything you have been doing for me". Since that day my heart has been cold, zeroed out love, Never felt anything than enjoying being me the peace of mind that I got. Her words about 3 months ago. "I went to your school, your hostel where it all started, I busted into crying as soon as I saw the place, remembering everything that happened in the hostel, I am sooo sorry,You really loved me, you have shown true love and you took care of us, I know I have taken that genuine love for granted but I promise that if you give me the chance again, I would right my wrongs and will be that wife that makes you happy" ---culled my my voicemessage. The feeling of love do give inner strength to face anything but in my case, It is not just there. something is really holding me down, I am not sure may be it is the bitterness from the prevous experience or My inner man-----I cannot discern. I am not whining, It just that I feel safe to talk to the anonymous people here than talking to the people around that could mock you or backbite tomorrow. Thank you all. |
| Re: After 1+ Years, She Want To Come Back But I Felt Nothing For Her Again by wendycog: 3:31am On Dec 18, 2011 |
@Poster, no one here can tell you with certainty whether or not your wife has changed. The thing about love is - it is always a risk. You make yourself vulnerable to someone else and hope it works out. By God's grace, it can - even with the history that you have with your wife. Commit this matter to God and pray your heart out. Eight months ago, I thought I would be stuck in a loveless marriage for ever. But God restored those feelings to my heart. That is the thing about Godly love; it transcends all human circumstances and conditions, and can only be demonstrated supernaturally by the grace of God. It is easy to love someone when they are wonderful, but your vows were for better, for worse, and it is at those bad times that you really need the grace of God to carry you through. God hates divorce for good reason - everyone, and particularly the children, suffers for it. If it is within your power (and for now, it is), don't add to that statistic. Like CC said, I am sure if you search your heart, you will find things that you could have done better too. Give it another shot. It is a risk, yes. But God will reward your faith and your desire to please Him. All the best. |
| Re: After 1+ Years, She Want To Come Back But I Felt Nothing For Her Again by Nobody: 3:36am On Dec 18, 2011 |
[b]You have been warned. Had it been you were just having issues,it is a different case,but this woman has LEFT your house and your life for one year ,men! She has gone to the other field(s) and seen that the grass is not greener as she had presumed,now she wants to come back home. You have said you don't feel jack for her again.Why court misery and heartbreak again? I told you I am totally against divorce once the two parties are still together,because there is a chance to still work things out through communication. In this case this lady has upped and ran away from your house and left you high and dry! A word is enough for the wise. Don't go back to her or else in a few months time you will be back on this forum lamenting her attitude and asking for advise. The ball is in your court. However I want you to remember that if you take her back the psychological trauma will still prey on your mind:While she was away for one year,WHAT WAS SHE DOING?HOW MANY OTHER MEN HAS SHE BEEN WITH? I am sorry to be so blunt,but if you are a rational being I am sure these questions must have preyed on your sub conscious mind.[/b] |
| Re: After 1+ Years, She Want To Come Back But I Felt Nothing For Her Again by Nobody: 9:19am On Dec 18, 2011 |
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| Re: After 1+ Years, She Want To Come Back But I Felt Nothing For Her Again by Nobody: 1:25pm On Dec 18, 2011 |
One thing is sure . . . . the woman has learnt her lesson. Why won't she? She has seen that the other side is not as green as it looks! Will this make her a better wife? Yes! Will it make her appreciate the husband more? Yes! Is there a possibility that she will do something like this again in future? Yes! People never change . . . It'a like forgiving a cheating husband/boyfriend . . . You are indirectly saying you can live with a cheat because there is absolutely not guarantee that he wont do it again! |
| Re: After 1+ Years, She Want To Come Back But I Felt Nothing For Her Again by Busybody2(f): 3:11pm On Dec 18, 2011 |
@ Kind.way There is 3 issues at stake here, the way you perceive your wife's previous relationship history, her fractured relationship with her Father, and your relationship with your teddybear client with the fat investment portfolio. She has not had the best of childhood and a good relationship with her Father. Yes she is not the only child, but some of us are stronger and more resilient than others when life throws us a curve ball. You met this lady, asked her out, she accepted, you had some good times, had some nice lives together, made good memories, despite the elephant in the room - her non-existent relationship with her feckless Dad. You got married though you initially got cold feet, but was reassured by some Pastors and her Mother how you had been a positive calming influence in her life. And as a matter of fact, you unwittingly became her first positive role model, hence your chance to catch a glimpse of the good person behind her usual aggressive mask, hence reason you decided to take the plunge and marry her. Your wifey sadly grew up clearly not knowing how to maintain a proper relationship with men, her Dad dissappointed her and blew his chance to act as the pivotal male role model who would have helped her with her reflection, her self-confidence, her mental wellbeing, and role in life as a female. Now she has been left with this inate fear of forming normal emotional relationship with men, does not know what to look for and expect in a partner, and has been saddled with a great distrust of men, thereby wrongly believing that being aggressive and unleashing her pent up anger is the way forward to getting things done. . . You are naturally a good person, have empathy by the bucketloads, selfless, and caring, even to the extent of creating time out of your busy schedule to come here to pour your heart out, so those who have been telling you from her side of the family are spot on about your nice affable character. Now your wife sees all this too, but has been hardwired and saddled with so much emotional scars to believe no good can ever come out of a man, hence reason she is expecting you to fail too like her Dad, hence I am sure she will always compare you to her Father everytime an argument comes up. One thing I noticed was your skewed orientation about willynilly sliding into the opposite role of one's partner's chaacter flaw, that if one's partner is hot, you should be cold and vice versa, but you nEed to realise this will only breed resentment and make you loose your own identity and start walking on eggshells in a relationship where you were originally supposed to be free and open and equal with your other half. . . And this was what started happening that resulted in you not giving a hoot and doing more to appease your wife, when that teddybear lady waltzed into your lives. By this time, you had unfortunately morphed into this power hungry dude with a slightly inflated ego, who having being frustrated to within an inch of his life starts discounting her opinion and input and start carrying on with this need to always be right. So even though you a generally a good person who loves nothing more than peacr, you were unconsciously doing this frustrate her more and make her get more angry, it had now become a "person wey talk say hin own mama nor go sleep" tug of war thing with you both. Continued below: |
| Re: After 1+ Years, She Want To Come Back But I Felt Nothing For Her Again by Busybody2(f): 3:12pm On Dec 18, 2011 |
I can't blame you for this cos I understand everyone has a limit and a dealbreaker, and she had exceeded this, hence reason you stopped her from backing you into a corner everytime and have sometimes retaliated or spoken back to let her know you would not put up with her BS. I don't need to tell you you messed up bigtime over that teddybear lady's incident and chucking your wife out in the dead of the night didn't help matters too. You allowing her to lash out after backing into a corner for so long, raising your hand to hit her back, kicking her out, just confirmed what she had been wrongly thinking in her head all this while - THAT YOU ARE JUST LIKE HER FATHER. You are not the problem though, it is her perception that the opposite sex is the no good for nothing enemy. . . With regards to her previous relationships doing your head in, you hurt her when you did not protect her and allowed the woman rubbish her and threaten to take her away from you, honestly I cannot think of anyway you could have wriggled out of that situation of being caught between a rock and a hard place - the midst of two warring women - so I am not surprised all you could do was laugh in panic, lol. But I wanna reassure you one thing that your wife's putting out her ex's picture, comparing you to them, etc, is just an attempt to inflict maximum hurt on your psyche for not standing up for her. She is only trying to prove to you that she is desirable too. I am sure during one of your many fights you must have uttered stuffs like "I made you who you are" to each other, hence her panic that this client of yours must be rich, and richer than her, so is a formidable opponent meaning she is quarter to loosing you to Mz Teddybear, so of course she has to rub your nose in it that she can do better than you too. . . Her time away from you has made her go through a lot of retrospective thinking, hence reason she is back. Both of you need to be careful before concluding reconciliation is the best way to go. You - so history would not repeat itself once she is back home ensconced beside you in her rightful place as your wife. Her - so she would not just end up settling as Ujujoan's last paragraph intoned. You are here because you want your nuclear family back, you both don't have communication issues cos you say she is always truthful and willing to open up, so I suggest you initially start talking to her about her childhood and her Dad and reassure her you are a different person to her Dad, that your relationship with her is that of Husband/Wife, not Father/Daughter, and ask her if she would like to have a word with her Dad. You can use her reaction to this to gauge what you are signing yourself up for in future. Stick to God for His guidance since that's all you know, I will keep you in my prayers and leave you with Ephesians 4:32. I know you know you need to forgive her if you want God to continue to forgive you too. So long. |
| Re: After 1+ Years, She Want To Come Back But I Felt Nothing For Her Again by Nobody: 6:04pm On Dec 18, 2011 |
@poster there is ONE fundamental issue here: she already told you she never loved you, and now, she wants to come back to you. . . . . . . . . BUT STILL she doesnt love you. so why waste your time and life with someone who has no care for you? it seems everything she says is about how YOU loved her, etc? the important question you should have asked her from the get go IS: WHY DO YOU WANT TO COME BACK? if her reasons are what you wrote on this thread then better RUUUUUN! continue living the life you are living now, dont go back swallowing your own vomit. she was no good then, and she is clearly no good now. nobody should be in a r/ship because of a child, better be happy and separate parents, than together and miserable (making THAT child also miserable). |
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