25 Rules of driving in Lagos
1. When in doubt, accelerate!

2. Be prepared to ram into anything stopping you that is wearing uniform in Lagos (police,traffic warden, FRSC, Kai brigade, fire brigade, VIO, LASTMA, LAMATA, LASWA)

3.If you get caught by any chance, do not allow them to enter your car, if they happen to get in do not drive from that spot (veer off traffic & settle promply), and if they don’t agree, pretend that you are calling your uncle who is in the army (believe me it always works), never follow them to any sort of office except you are ready to pay ten times more than what was demanded.

4. Never give police or VIO your original particulars (whether expired or up to date).

5. Danfo drivers believe they are immortal. Never yield to the temptation to teach them otherwise.

6. Okada riders have a pact with suicide, avoid them like a plaque.

7. Avoid BRT buses in all ramifications, they have no brakes.

8. Taxi cabs (oko asewo) should always have the right of way, all of them have been driving in Lagos for 25 years.

9. Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car.

10. The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it. Survival of the fittest you may say!

11. Learn to swerve abruptly. In Lagos, potholes (and sometimes car-holes) are put in key locations to test drivers’ reflexes and shock absorbers,( I saw one man fishing in one of the potholes last week).

12. There is no such thing as “one-way” in Lagos. Expect traffic from any direction at all times. The okada riders are the experts in this area.

13. Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive bodywork, except you want to spend your whole Saturday at the panel beater’s place.

14. Morning rush-hours are equivalent to Lagos grand prix (who gets to the junction first).

15. There is no such thing as a short-cut during rush-hour traffic in Lagos. Everybody might be inclined to take that ’short-cut’.

16. When asking for directions, always ask at least three people. Lagosians always claim to know every inch of the city – even areas they’ve never been to.

17. Use extreme caution when pulling into service lanes. Service lanes are not for breaking down the traffic, but for speeding, especially during rush hour.

18. Never use directional signals, since they only confound and distract other Lagos drivers, who are not used to them.

19. Similarly, never attempt to give hand signals. Lagos drivers, unused to such courtesies, will think you are making obscene gestures to them. This could be very bad for you in Lagos.

20. Hazard lights (popularly called “double pointer”) is not, (as commonly supposed) used to indicate a hazard. It is a warning to you that he is a bonafide Lagos driver, he’s headed ’straight’ and as such, will not stop under any circumstance. Take him extremely seriously especially if he backs it up with a continuous blast from his “horn”.

21. At any given time, do not stand on the zebra crossing expecting traffic to yield to you, or else you will have to explain to the on coming traffic whether you look like a zebra.

22. Speed limits are arbitrary figures posted only to make you feel guilty.

23. Remember that the goal of every driver is to get there first by whatever means necessary.

24. In Lagos every spot is a potential bus stop. FRSC and LASTMA know that too. It is in their constitution.

25. Above all, keep moving. Even with a flat tyre!!!

HORNING IN LAGOS
Horn’ when someone executes a dangerous maneouvre.

‘Horn’ when you’re about to move off.

‘Horn’ when you’re about to overtake.

‘Horn’ when someone is about to overtake you.

‘Horn’ when turning into a road.

‘Horn’ when emerging from a road.

‘Horn’ back when someone horns at you. It’s considered good etiquette.

‘Horn’ when you hear a chorus of horns. Don’t worry if you don’t know what all the ‘horning’ is about.

‘Horn’ when you’re happy.

‘Horn’ to the beat when you’re playing music in your car.

Good luck, as you expeditiously navigate through Lagos and hustle and bustle!

U r killing me

Nice 1.......if fashola gbab u, u go land ur village sap sap

Exponental: Nice 1.......if fashola gbab u, u go land ur village sap sap

my bros even Fashola knows THESE rules n he obeys it.

never stop to carry a stranger even if its a beautiful girl

beware of were you park your car,to avoid losing you car stereo or valuables.

don't make the mistake of playing p-square's song oga police,when you are on lagos roads.

police, lastma, vio,road safety are all the same

always carry a torchlight in case your headlights fail you in the night

Good piece.

always carry a canoe in your car boot,when rain falls you may need it

hey bcareful ur number 9 hmmmmm

I think I have read this on Chxta`s blog sometimes in 2010. Laugh almost burst my belly.

..interesting piece written from a true Lagosian's perspective!

Nice one.

Nice one, very educative, Lagos is now wahala for newbie drivers, one needs to go to a Lagos driving school to learn b4 ramming in2 lagos roads, even if you are one of the most expert driver elsewhere, Eko o ni baje oo!

Beautiful piece i must say.
That's Lagos life for you...survival of the fittest.

21. At any given time, do not stand on the zebra crossing expecting traffic to yield to you, or else you will have to explain to the on coming traffic whether you look like a zebra.

Da bomb......d best of em' all.......Nice post!!

To add mine:

26. When driving, make sure ur eyes are positioned to see the road and sky same time. This is to avoid flying objects that looks like coffin.....

This same rules can equally be applied to cities like Onitsha,Aba and Ph city.

ebamma: don't make the mistake of playing p-square's song oga police,when you are on lagos roads.

You forgot to add Fela's "Zombie" when crossing an army checkpoint or gate of any of barracks. A CD seller recently paid a very high price for this.

This is hilarious. Have I been living in a jungle?

That single motor-cycle headlight coming straight at you may actually be that of a car.

...You come try that ur NUMBER 9 fa BARIGA if dem no burn yu,burn ur useless vehicle join..mtchewww!.

Very very funny. You just made my day

ebamma: beware of were you park your car,to avoid losing you car stereo or valuables.

Ha! You nor even talk loosing the entire car to council boys.. Dem don dey toe even if you park B2B inbetween 2cars. Lol

This guys is 'sick' I almost died of laughter! Rotflmao

Good one! Might I also add a few

26. Always drive with ur full light at night, all uncoming cars would blind you with theirs as well anyways

27. After any two cars clash in an accident the driver who cannot show a higher level of "craze" is judged guilty irrespective of who actually is at fault.

29. Putting a L sign on ur car is just an attraction of bully drivers, don't do it u will be totured!

30. If u are waiting for cars with right of way to finish or stop and allow u join traffic from a connecting road, U might as well be prepared to wait forever, just block everybody till they have no choice but to let u go.

31. If you are sensitive to heavy abuses and curses, make sure ur AC is working so u can wind up and play some loud music (try MI-undisputed) if not the rain of 'thick' curses and abuses from frustrated lagos drivers alone could actually kill a young child! Honestly

No wonder the rumour is true. That robbers and kidnappers train their drivers in lagos. Crazy city

well actually the lastma fines are not as heavy as u think...theyve been reviewed downwards...

the fines average 2000 naira. d only bugger is u have to get a tax certificate to get ur car released.

eko o ni baje