In WAEC examination, Santos was asked to complete the following: . 1)He who fights n run away? Santos: E don surrender be dat na, na fear catch am. 2)A rolling stone? Santos: No fit just dey roll, na person push am. ... 3) He who lives in a glass house? Santos: Na rich politician e go be. 4)A stitch in time? Santos: Dey prevent further tear tear. 5) Birds of d same feather? Sample: Na d same mama born them. 6) One good turn? Santos: Na correct power steering fit do am. 7) A bird in hand? Santos: Wetin e wan be again if nobe barbecue. Dem plenty for chicken republic. Half bread is better than? Santos: Puff puff, buns or garri without sugar. 9) A journey of a thousand miles? Santos: Na d person wahala be dat na, Why e no enter car or aeroplane jeje? 10) He who laughs last? Santos: Get brain problem. Make dem examineam becos na begining of madness be dat. 11) A patient dog? Santos: Na hunger go kill am. 12) All work and no play? Santos: Na bank job be dat bros. 13) Once beaten? Santos: Na revenge go follow b dat. 14) A fool at forty? Santos: U never see Naija own, ours starts @ 50. 15) A friend in need? Santos: Na parasite b dat. Will Santos pass the exam ?

Teacher: anytin u cannot see,touch and feel does not exist. Example,can u see God? Students:NO Teacher:Can u touch God? Students:NO Teacher:Can u feel God? Students:NO, Teacher:There is no God. Can anybody give me any other example? Junior: Yes sir, Teacher: Go ahead Junior (junior faces d teacher) Junior: Can u see ur brain? Teacher: NO, Junior: Can u touch ur brain? Teacher:NO, Junior: Can u feel ur brain? Teacher: NO, Junior: U HAVE NO BRAIN.

Biology Exam Question:
Draw the Female reproductive Organ? As the exam was going on..a girl looked btw her legs Απd a boy saw her Απd shouted ''Sir she's cheating,she's copying from d Original source....'

Joke of the week; E get dis particular restaurant wey i dey chop 4 wuse2, e get one oyibo wey dey always come chop there too... any time dis oyibo chop finish, him go shout "hey!", so i wonder wetin dey make am shout, i decide to chop wetin d oyibo dey always chop so maybe me self go shout too... wen i reach d restaurant last week friday, i order wetin d man dey chop, dem tell me say na chicken and red wine, so i chop am, but i surprise say i no shout, i collect xtra plate, bt i still no shout... na then i just vex ask 4 my bill. The waiter tell me say one plate of chicken and red wine na N45,000, then d xtra plate na another 45,000 na then i come shout heyyyyyyyyy! heyyyyyyyyy!! heyyyyyyyy!!! heiiiiiiiiiii!!!!... till i reach house i still dey shout..

Babe: "Baby do you still luv me like before?" Guy: "Yes luv, My luv for you will never change." Babe: "Dats my babyyyy, I want you to buy me somtin." Guy: "Just name it". Babe: "Its just one BB porsche sha..." Guy: "No problem. Just find out the price and let me know" Babe: "Its 450 000 naira." Guy: "Is it manual or authomatic? is it still in a good shape, as in, the engine. Have you checked the fuel consumption too?" Babe: "Honey,its not a car ooo... its a phone." Guy: "Phone? Oh! dat means it will have a fridge, generator set, plasma and a wardrobe, abi?" Babe: "Are you buying it or not?" Guy: "Pls am not o! I can't!" Babe: "Helloooooo!" Guy: "Hiiiiiiiii!" Babe: "Don't even bother again. I will call Alhaji to get it for me this evening." Guy: "Better still, call Atiku he will be faster" Babe: "Am going to delete you" Guy: "Is your fone hanging? Cos I have deleted you since you mentioned porsche. Idiot! How much is bride price even in igbo land sef...lol"

Boy: Do you love me?
Girl: No :
Boy starts running.
Girl: Where are you going?
Boy: I am going to update my status on facebook"Single Again"

A lady with no clothes ran into an igbo man's taxi. She told the driver where she was going. The man didn't start d car, but was just staring at her over and over again. The lady said: what's your problem man?? Haven't u seen an unclothed lady before?? The igbo man replied: I am not looking at your body, but wondering where u kept the money u're going to pay me with...

FUNNY FÄCTS • U dey do opening prayer 4 Night club....(Na God go slap ur mouth). • U come Facebook dey find true love...(u go see love run). •U call etisalat customer care 200 and tell them say ur free browsing don stop ooh..(hehehe na bomb dey ur head oooh)• U be house boy u come dey play Rick Ross - I am the Boss....(4 where na mumu) • U dey add water to egg say e go plenty when u fry am....(Why u no add yeast join am olodo). • Dem wan inject u with HIV infected blood u come wear condom.... (mtch eeeew u dey mad) • House dey burn, you wan use gas do fire extinguisher... (Hahahahaha.... u don die) • U come dey try read this one...sjhshgshf lkljdjflkjdl... .(ah sorry 4 u). • U carry candle dey look for where fuel dey smell from.....(conti nue u go soon see am) •When pastor talk say "Do something ** for the Lord" u come carry church offering run.....(na who wan chase u).
u from u.s. Come nigeria come dy look for 24hour light..no do make u go buy fuel. Mtcheeewwwww...

A mom had three sons. In time for her birthday,her sons decide to each buy her a present. Her first son bought her a car. Her second bought her a house. Her third son Johnny went to see priests about a certain parrot he wanted to buy. The parrot could read out the whole bible and Johnny thot this was the perfect gift. However the priest pointed out that it would be expensive to buy the parrot,so Johnny paid out $1 million for it. At the dinner table,the mother wrote thank you letters to her sons. To the 1st son: Thank you for the car,but im too old to drive. To the 2nd son: Thank you for the house,but it will take years to clean that huge house. To Johnny: Thank you for the chicken. It was delicious.*Johnny faints*

,BF: Honey we are going to enjoy dis Val, can we start the rehearsals now?
GF: Of course, when d account upgrade has been done.
BF: But i upgraded last week
GF: With what?
BF: My ID card, NEPA Bill, and a passport
GF: So why did i not receive d alert?
BF: where they supposed to alert u or me?
GF: Well, i mean...d alert that carry Naira signs
BF: Oh! That? Remember that my february fever normally starts on the 12th and ends on the 16th, so i can't do that upgrade now.,,

,I went to visit my Chinese friend dting in hospital. My chinese friend just kept saying "CHIN YU YAN" " CHIN YU YAN" And he died. So I had to go to china to find the meaning of my friends last words. And I found out that it means -YOU ARE STANDING ON THE OXYGEN TUBE. Shey no be me kill am?,,

In d U.S,a man kicked a dog attacking a lady & it died. Paper report says"LOCAL HERO SAVES LADY FROM MAD DOG". D man says i'm not an american,report changes to FOREIGN HERO SAVES LADY FROM MAD DOG". D man says i'm from pakistan so it became:BREAKING NEWS,Terrorist kills innocent dog.

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted.

Win a; BLACKBERRY PORSHE,CAR, or a HOUSE in lekki. Use sharp object to scratch here ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒
Scratch while offer still last!

This is how tomorrow's children may end up learning ABC.
A- Apple
B- Blackberry
C- Chatting
D- Download
E- Email
F- Facebook
G- Google
H- HP
I- Iphone
J- Java
K- Kaspersky
L- Laptop
M- Microsoft
N- Nokia
O- Outlook
P- Printing
Q- QWERTY
R- Rapidshare
S- Skype
T- Twitter
U- USB
V- Vista
W- Windows
X- XP
Y- You Tube
Z- Zukerberg.

Stupid answers for stupid questions: 1. Someone calls you at 2am in the nyt nd ask Ʊ "are u sleepin?" Ans : no,I'm pickin beans.. 2. When its raining and somone notices u goin out yet they ask; are u goin out in this rain?? Ans: no in the next one 3. They see you coming out of the bathroom, wet; did u just have a bath? Ans: no, i fell into the toilet bowl 4...You standing right in front of the ele...vator on the ground floor going to your office,yet they ask; going up?? Ans: no, i'm waiting for my office to come down to me! 5. Your boyfriend comes home with a bunch of flowers and u still ask him; are those flowers? Ans: no baby, they're carrots! 6. You're in the toilet and you locked the door,som1 knocks on the door asking; is any1 there? Ans: No! na shit lock the door...mtscheew!! 7.. You're in the queue at the cinema to buy tickets, a frnd sees you and asks; what are you doin here? Ans: i'm here to pay my school fees!... 8. You are going to an exam hall,someone asking u; Are u having paper? Ans: no,am going to mark my result. 9. When people see you lying down with your eyes closed, they still ask; are you sleeping?? Ans: No! I'm practising how to die....

Joke! Joke!! Joke!!! Man died and went to hell, there he finds that there are different hells for each country, he decides to go round and choose the least painful to spend his eternity. He goes to the German Hell and ask, "what do they do here" He is told " first they put you in an Electric Chair for an Hour, then lay you on a Bed of Nails for another Hour, then the German Devil comes in and Whip...s you for the rest of the day. The Man does not like the sound of that at all so he moves on. He checks out the USA,UK, RUSSIAN Hells as well as many more. He discovers that they are all similar to the German Hell. Then he comes to the Nigerian Hell and finds that there is a Long Queue of people waiting to get in... Amazed, he ask, "what do they do here ?" He is told "First they put you in an Electric Chair for an hour, and then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour then Nigerian Devil comes in and Whips you for the Rest of the Day." But that is exactly the same as all the other hells, why are there so many people waiting to get in ?" ask the man... A concern fellow calls him aside and said, "Because there is never any STABLE ELECTRICITY so the Electric Chair doesn't work. The nails were paid for but were never SUPPLIED by the Contractor, so the Bed is Comfortable to sleep on... And the Nigerian Devil used to be a CIVIL SERVANT, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and leave for Personal Business !!! .............IT PAYS TO BE A NIGERIAN.......Naija una carry ur wayo reach hell.....ℓ☺l

Na wa for all these rich people ooo. I went wit a frend 2visit her guy frm a very rich family.D maid approached me &asked MAID: wat would u lyk 2have,fruit juice, yoghurt,tea,chocolate, cappuccino, frapuccino or coffee? ME: tea pls. MAID: Ceylon tea,Indian tea, herbal tea, kericho gold tea,bush tea or green tea? ME: Ceylon tea pls. MAID: how do u want it, black or white? ME: white. MAID: milk or fresh cream? ME: with milk. MAID: goat milk or cow milk? ME: cow’s milk. MAID: freezeland cow or Afrikaner cow? ME: umm, lemme go with d freezeland cow. MAID: would u lyk it with sweetner, sugar or honey? ME: sugar. MAID: bee sugar or cane sugar? ME: cane sugar MAID: white, brown or yellow sugar? ME: abeg, forget abt d tea, jst give me a glass of water. MAID: mineral, tap or distilled water? ME: mineral water. MAID: flavored or non flavored? ME: infact get me an empty glass! MAID: do u want a tumbler, wine glass, champagne flute or a beer mug? ME: abeg, free me, i go swallow my spit.

MADE IN NIGERIA ENGLISH *ABEG DRESS BACK...* *If i hear pim,u go hear weeen* *Av dey BROUGHT light* *D film is SWEET* *Pls hlp me SLOW d fan* *Mummy av COME* *I'll tell my daddy FOR you* *Av u paid ur school fees MONEY* *See as u BAFF UP* *Put d bread insyd LYLON* *I strong KAKARAKA* *Oya come and be GOING* *I KUKUMA don't av ur tym*

Laugh out loud!!! Patrick Obiahagbon drives into a petrol station in his sleek,state of the art range rover sports: Patrick: guy,abeg give me full tank. Attendant: i only speak english, sir. Patrick: ok brother,good morning. I currently feel a profound desire to replenish the propellant of my motorised automobile. Therefore i cordially request you to transfer from your subterranean reservoir a sufficient quantity of the combustible fluid of the highest octane rating to fill the appropriate receptable of the said means of perambulator to the brim. Attendant: bros na play i dey play o, my name na Omoh,you fit talk am for benin!.

Abegi u too much,i laff sote water dy comout for my eyes,u be master.roflamao,lwkmd,lmao,lol....

@sunebanty na u try pass o,@least na only u laff.

DELETE THEORY:=)) (1) If anybody on ur bbm
exhibits any tendencies of pride..>:/ DELETE
ASAP (2) The babe or guy is feeling too
pretty/rich, abeg delete Am>:O (3) You are
always the 1st person 2 ping him/her... U r a
fool:| na only d person dey ur BBM/ Delete
joor! (4) You added someone and the person
could not even say Hi or show some
courtesy. The 1st thing u see is "how did u
get my pin">:delet am

Robber 1: let's count the money we stole at d bank today.:;Robber 2: Dude am tired, we will hear it on the news tomorrow...

Phone....ringing....Wife: where on earth are u? Husband: honey, u remember that Jewelery shop where u saw d diamond necklace &u totally fell in lov with it.D wife relaxed with a smile.Wife: Yes,d king of my heart i remember... Husband: & u remember i do not have money 2buy it 4u at that time & i told u "honey,that necklace will be urs one day" D wife is totally relaxed with a big smile now &even blushing.Wife: Yes i remember my love Husband: good i am in a beer parlour next 2dat shop!!! =)),=))

One Night 4 college students were playing till late Night and didn't study for the test which was scheduled for the next day. In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty and weird with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test. So, the Dean said they can have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked him and said they will be ready by that time. On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as this was a special condition Test, All the four students were required to sit in a separate classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days. The Test consisted of two (2) questions with the total of 100 marks. Question 1. Your Name.................................. (2 marks) Question 2. Which tyre burst? ................................ (98 marks) (a) Front left (b) Front right (c) Back left (d) Back Right !!!

"Okoro the houseboy entered Madam's room without knocking. Madam:- ''Okoro, this is wrong, what if I was naked or dressing up''? Okoro:- '' That can never happen Madam. I always peep first and if you are naked, I go just wait small, dey look until you dress finish before I enter''!!"=D

John was usin d ATM. David was behind him n said: I've seen ur password it's xxxx. John replied: U're wrong, it's 6392

DicksonDonny: Na wa for all these rich people ooo. I went wit a frend 2visit her guy frm a very rich family.D maid approached me &asked MAID: wat would u lyk 2have,fruit juice, yoghurt,tea,chocolate, cappuccino, frapuccino or coffee? ME: tea pls. MAID: Ceylon tea,Indian tea, herbal tea, kericho gold tea,bush tea or green tea? ME: Ceylon tea pls. MAID: how do u want it, black or white? ME: white. MAID: milk or fresh cream? ME: with milk. MAID: goat milk or cow milk? ME: cow’s milk. MAID: freezeland cow or Afrikaner cow? ME: umm, lemme go with d freezeland cow. MAID: would u lyk it with sweetner, sugar or honey? ME: sugar. MAID: bee sugar or cane sugar? ME: cane sugar MAID: white, brown or yellow sugar? ME: abeg, forget abt d tea, jst give me a glass of water. MAID: mineral, tap or distilled water? ME: mineral water. MAID: flavored or non flavored? ME: infact get me an empty glass! MAID: do u want a tumbler, wine glass, champagne flute or a beer mug? ME: abeg, free me, i go swallow my spit.

This is very funny!

Joe's girlfrnd asks him, Darlin on our engagement day will u give me a ring? Joe: yes sure, from landline or mobile?

3men were drunk, they stopped a taxi. The taxi driver figured they were drunk, he just switchd on the engine and switchd it off and told them we have arrived. The first guy gave him money, the 2nd said thanks and the 3rd slapped him.
The driver was stunned because he was hoping none of them had realized d car didnt move an inch. So he asked the 3rd guy: what was that for? The guy replied: control your speed man,u almost got us killed.

=))º°˚˚˚°ºнaĦaнaº°˚˚˚°º=))