Fellow Nlanders, please help out a depressed soul.

My husband has abused me verbally, emotionally and even physically. My name is Betina and I have been married for four years with two boys(they are my only source of happiness now). I work in one of the communication firms and I earn an average of 110k per month. My husband is a business man but stays in one of the neighboring african countries but he comes home at least once every two months. My woes started barely 2 weeks after d birth of my son who I had thru CS, I had an argument with my hubby and d next thing I know he was beating and slapping me,that is not minding d fact that I was still recovering from CS. I cried and wailed and had to call his mum on the phone who in turn called all his siblings and they all pleaded with me to let go. He later apologised and I forgave him but he has still beaten me up on 2 other occasions even in front of d kids.

There's no time that we don't quarrel be it on the phone or whenever he comes back mainly because of money.he doesn't like spending money,and not that he doesn't have. Even when the children falls sick I am d one dat pays for their hospital bills. Anything that has to be done in the house he must tell me to contribute and I always do. When we first moved to d house we are staying in, I had to pay 1/3 of d total house rent yet he did not say thank u. He bought a land for 500k and mandated me to pay 200k, I also did dat. My husband bought a car to be using whenever he is around and he refused me to drive it. I tried on so many occasions to plead with him to allow me use d car but it always ends in quarel.

The last time we quarelled abt it he called me all sorts of name.dat I should be ashamed of my self, dat I ve been working and can't get my own car when there are women dat buy cars for there hubby. In fact that apart from the kids that am not valuable to him. That I don't cook or wash for him so he doesn't gain anything from me. I said no problem,and I resolved to buy my own car by december.

Now he wants me to pay the house rent.I told him I will contribute 150k while he pays d rest which is 250k but he refused. Unless I should go and look for a cheaper house which I told him I will not do. If he wants he should come and look for d house himself and be ready to stay there with us.he abuses me at every little opportunity calling me stupid, silly, foolish etc.he is very ok financially but will rather want me to spend my last kobo rather dan him bring money for d family. I am just fed up with d whole marriage because I can't even talk freely with him sos as not to stir up any quarrel. I ve prayed and am tired.

Do u think there is hope in this marriage?

Always remain hopeful cos all will be well just keep praying to God since you have faith in him.
At the moment you cannt leave him cos he still your husband no matter what happened, go and explain things
to your mom about all that has been happening between you and your husband.

SOrry to sound this way, your husband must be heartless, how could he treat his wife in this manner, is rather unfair.

some days are like that

Just take heart and be prayerful.

Trust me,marriage is all about you being happy,you cant afford to remain sad for the rest of your life.
Its better to be single than to be with the wrong man.
I think divorce is necessary,if you expect him to change,I'm afraid you may be left dissapointed for the rest of your life.

You have a job,you can take care of your kids.

No. Leave before he finally kills you. He does not love you or his kids.

I have zero tolerance for abuse. physical or emotional. Get yourself a place to live by yourself with the kids and leave his sorry a.s..s

if i were you since i am been paid 110k per month is pointless been with him, cos you dnt know what he might do next so just go and find a beta place for you and ur kids...

Well! let me says that if what i read here is not a friction but then base on my experience what is here is a replica of what is happening in so many marriages. But then may i say there is a great hope. Your situation is not peculiar to you alone and i want you to first accept that truth. Two, i want you to know that -The helps and hindrances to married happiness can be lumped under one word, personalities, which include ones temperament, mannerisms, tastes and the like. The individuality, likes and dislikes, desires and needs, and everything that pertains to an individual, makes it impossible to set down a specified set of rules which anyone might follow for a successful, happy marriage. There are, however, many hints and suggestions which can enable a man, or a woman, contemplating marriage, to make the best choice and give him, or her, some idea of what is necessary for a successful marriage. And one of such is PRAYERS, begins to pray now and seek the advice of your pastor and you too must come down to check your attitudes to see where you are missing it.

Betuch2012: Fellow Nlanders, please help out a depressed soul.

My husband has abused me verbally, emotionally and even physically. My name is Betina and I have been married for four years with two boys(they are my only source of happiness now). I work in one of the communication firms and I earn an average of 110k per month. My husband is a business man but stays in one of the neighboring african countries but he comes home at least once every two months. My woes started barely 2 weeks after d birth of my son who I had thru CS, I had an argument with my hubby and d next thing I know he was beating and slapping me,that is not minding d fact that I was still recovering from CS. I cried and wailed and had to call his mum on the phone who in turn called all his siblings and they all pleaded with me to let go. He later apologised and I forgave him but he has still beaten me up on 2 other occasions even in front of d kids.

There's no time that we don't quarrel be it on the phone or whenever he comes back mainly because of money.he doesn't like spending money,and not that he doesn't have. Even when the children falls sick I am d one dat pays for their hospital bills. Anything that has to be done in the house he must tell me to contribute and I always do. When we first moved to d house we are staying in, I had to pay 1/3 of d total house rent yet he did not say thank u. He bought a land for 500k and mandated me to pay 200k, I also did dat. My husband bought a car to be using whenever he is around and he refused me to drive it. I tried on so many occasions to plead with him to allow me use d car but it always ends in quarel.

The last time we quarelled abt it he called me all sorts of name.dat I should be ashamed of my self, dat I ve been working and can't get my own car when there are women dat buy cars for there hubby. In fact that apart from the kids that am not valuable to him. That I don't cook or wash for him so he doesn't gain anything from me. I said no problem,and I resolved to buy my own car by december.

Now he wants me to pay the house rent.I told him I will contribute 150k while he pays d rest which is 250k but he refused. Unless I should go and look for a cheaper house which I told him I will not do. If he wants he should come and look for d house himself and be ready to stay there with us.he abuses me at every little opportunity calling me stupid, silly, foolish etc.he is very ok financially but will rather want me to spend my last kobo rather dan him bring money for d family. I am just fed up with d whole marriage because I can't even talk freely with him sos as not to stir up any quarrel. I ve prayed and am tired.

Do u think there is hope in this marriage?

Its either you want to remain married and raise boys who will beat their wives or you leave and raise healthy kids. If you Keep taking the beating and abuse, your kids will dish it out to their wives because they watched their mother take it and so Its Ok. Choose life. Choose emotional health.

Wow! If I didn't know better, I would think we were married to the same person. I wonder y men re this way

It is so sad that many Nigerian marriages are in this state. Perhaps its a mixture of culture- the incessant harping that a woman should be submissive at all costs, poor parenting- on the part of the husbands side and the idea that if you are not married by a certain age -your flawed. All that for what? to come and live in misery? I say dont make those poor choices for your children.

Two options
Go for counselling- and none of that "christian" nonsense where the pastor despite all evidence to the contrary mandates you go back at all costs abuse included. I mean something that is common sensical, christian and compassionate if your are christian.. if not then talk to your imam- or muslim support group if they have something to that effect.

The make your final decision to stay or leave based on whats best for you and your kids.
Its not easy. Ill be praying for you

Are u sure he is not living with another "wife" in the african an country he's doing business?
Chances are there is someone new and he does not know how to end ur marriage with him for the new woman.

Wow, Poster and Peace, I am so sorry for what you are going through.
At the end of the day you know the choices available; stay, keep "praying, hoping he will change while his sons pick up their fathers behavior, or leave even for a while and build a sane life for your boys. Your choice.
Peace. You always give hints but have never shared your story. So sorry to hear, life is about finding happiness, not about forcing yourself in an unhappy situation to comform to the standards of others.
However, stop blaming yourself or thinking its you who needs to adjust, you from your story have been a good wife, he is the one with the problems, he is the one who needs to change, adjusting to make him happy will only mean rewarding bad behavior and making him justify his actions more. Some people are just sadists, their power comes from making others cry and unhappy. That is their sense of pride and happiness, never give them that satisfaction.
In situations like this, you have to stop giving an abuser the power to control your emotions

Your challenge is very real and I chose to reply becos i have experienced a part of it(fortunately not the beating part but the part where he wants you to spend every penny you have).

First take a patience pill. A president is respected not becos of the person he is but the office he occupies. Your husbands attitude may be like po, but becos of his office as husband, still give him respect.

1. Call him regularly, be cheerful on the phone when you call, ask him about his activities nicely and be genuinely interested, Dont NAG about money. You can ask about the household needs when you really really have to. if he refuses, let it be.
2. Thank God you have a job and make do with what you have, dont make your contributions an issue, limit your contributions to what is necessary, no fancy stuff.
3. When he comes around stop the confrontation, since he does not listen and resorts to violence. Make the house as comfortable as possible for him
4. Stop asking about the car, your nagging will not get it for you, as you are doing save towards one if you can and it would stop giving him reasons to annoy you, forget the car is there. He would later wonder why you are not asking and might offer it,a t least for his children school runs.
5. Another problem is the distance, he is not around and cant see how you contribute to the family upkeep, if he has any resonable bone in his body, u could do a cash book of your expenses from time to time and show him.
6. His not being around also means honestly...that u add little value to him in terms of perks of marriage, so try and make up for it when he is around.
7. Find contentment in other things, make the house a nice place for him when he returns, reduce the quarrels as much as u can, peharps he can regard you with more warmth. He would at a point look forward to comming home.
8. Look for support, raising the boys alone is not easy, get help so you can have more time for your self.
9. Then my dear, dont be tired of praying.
10. One day he would come round and you would truly begin to enjoy your marriage. One person has to conscede or play the fool in a quarrel, since it is thou that seeketh peace, then thou must play the fool.

@Betuch2012
i dnt no the bingin of dis marriage,if he used to beat u befor or he just start beatin u
first check urself if u are the cause,i dnt mean he hav the right to beat u in any reason
but it could be that ur husb hav another women where he live,tryin to driv u out by attitude
sis som days are like dat
try to confront him in good manner,speak sense to him,tell him nt to lean his hand against u in front of ur kids again
u can only support the family u are nt supposse to tak care of the family u hav to let him underst
and u we leave with the kid's if he contiue
sis just tak care of ur kid's some men are useless,it better to stay single than to marry som men

Since he comes in two months intervals then there is less time for friction, manage those intervals well. Unless he is abusive even when he is not provoked.

Well, i have read different advice made to you but i felt somethings are either not put in the right perspective or the placement wasn't right. The Bible said Marriage is honourable and the bed undefile. What i have to say are as follows;
Firstly, don't be tired of praying for him.
Secondly, never say never, you've sworn to God and man for better and for worse i strongly believe that you should do your discussion privately rather than in the presence of your children.
Thirdly, Does he go to church whenever he's around? If yes you may report to your pastor to talk to him.

From your story i do not think you've visited him in his neighbouring (village) country...lol before. You might not know he may have another....hmmm and she does everything for him and you're here asking him to do for you, certainly he will keep seeing you as 'lazy silly wife'..

Finally, before you leap out of that marriage consult God and your Pastor and the take the right path. And you leave keep your new place undisclosed till your children are fully grown to decide.

ALL WILL BE WELL...

Wow, when did asking for basic necessities needed by someones WIFE and kids become "nagging"?
Wow, Nigerian wives: beasts of burden, donkey, no complain, just comply, even with a sadistic abusive man. Wow

Thanks everyone on your responses so far. I have visited him 3 times where he is based and he has no wife or any live in. That I am very sure because I also have relatives around there who would have told me if there is anything of that nature. In terms of making the home comfortable whenever he is around I always do that, I make up in all aspects for those 2 months he does not stay with us anytime he comes back. But each time he finds a way of attaching me emotionally. Its not only when he is around, even when we talk on phone. I always cry for him and he know that but it doesn't touch him. I later decided I will not shed a single tear again for him but each time its as if my heart will burst. Once my mum came visiting, when she was leaving he had to collect money from me dat he gave my mum because he didn't want to part with his own money. My heart is bleeding because I grew up in a family filled with love and I receive my fair share of love from my parents and siblings. I am very bitter inside but I manage to put a cheerful disposition around my kids and people around me. Not to blow my trumpets but am the last person to pick a qquarell with somebody so it amazes me that am going through all this pains in my marriage which I never thought could happen to me.

The communication gap between you two needs to be close. Just visiting once in two month is not good and that's what makes you too strangers when you see.
Be very patient with him. Avoid nagging. Don't give him opportunity to hit you. You should know him patient and endurance limit.
In all be prayerful it works

Do people purchse husbands? Because this is the only rational i have for this OP's partner. You must have bought this in the night, in a strange market. It looks like your spouse has another family somewhere, this is why you are seen every 2months and you are not carrying your burden adequately. You see, it is hard to support two families, comfortable or not. Money problems make people go wacko. Maybe you should go and stay in the other African country for a month or on your next leave.

THE abusive part makes me sad,this is not the time for prayers,but the time for dialogue,but before the dialogue,check yourself very very good to see if u are the cause for the abuse,then when he comes back next,try to fix a datenight or whatever with him alone,no kids,then talk with him,reason with him,amicably try to remeber for him those early days of you together,how you started and things like that,maybe along the line,he might open up about whatever is bothering him,then by the time u have done these things if there are no positive signs,then it`s your turn to say what is in your mind probably ,,,change or i go,,,.But on the side of money,your hubby money is your money,so you are paying the rent or he is paying dont really matter if there is love,....Again maybe people gossip to him the way you spend money on irrelivant things or the way you give money to some of your family members or friends,these things usually makes some men go crazy,these could be the reason why he wants you to spend all you get,any way as i said before talk,there is power in peaceful dialogue thanks,

Sowie anyway!

This is Super Story. The Poster is newly registered. I don't believe it one bit...sorry OP
Next person pls...i haven't got all day here.

when did this start and ehy dif this start. sincr you saif he's rich. hr may be trying you albeit wrongly

See a marriage counsellor who is versed in finances. You too have issues with contributing towards the home. Afterall why would you expect ur husband to thank you anytime you dip your hand inside your pocket to contribute towards the family's upkeep

Why r u guys advising her to leave him.... Please stay and don't let ur kids grow without their dad as it may affect them.... And let's be realistic misunderstandings/ fighting oCcurs in most marriages. Even a part of those reading or dropping comments here face such in their marriages.... Pls and pls for the sake of ur kids stay with him. And try as much as possible to be kind to him. One day jst one day hekll sit down and his concience will judge him then he'll be a better man. Jst avoid things that makes him go physical on you. Be the best you can. Tell him u're sorry even if u did no wrong. Jst for the kids pls stay

Maybe he isn't as rich as you claim. . .If he is then am sorry to say he isn't a husband. . .A husbands duty is to provide for his family, protect them and love them . Your husband isn't doing that so he isn't a husband. my 2 cents. . .

savanto: This is Super Story. The Poster is newly registered. I don't believe it one bit...sorry OP
Next person pls...i haven't got all day here.

So you mean super stories doesn't happen in real life... You are not sure if the op is real or nor...It is better to advice ten people who post fake stories than to allow one genuine poster go without advice..

Wait! Why is everyone quick to accuse her and blame her of nagging?
I'm a man and a husband and I believe it's important for every man to appreciate his wife cos they do a lot! Mine took care of me when I was without a job and no matter how stressed I am I'm careful to avoid even putting words to her talk more of beating her. The truh ma'am is that your husband doesn't appreciate you and IS OUTRIGHTLY stingy!

You need to start saving up for yourself cos one day the dude might kick you out. It's the sad truth. The best time to know what lies in the heart of a human being is when anger is involved.
Start planning for a future without him, just in case...

Thiz is not marriage.I'll advice you to seek for divorce.