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Nairaland Forum / Entertainment / Jokes Etc / Mr. Akpors (99733 Views)
Mr Akpors Is Interviewed After Munich Vs Barca Match TODAY / -mr Akpors- & -the Robbers- / Mama Akpors And The Two Lawyer. Who Is Wise? (2) (3) (4)
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Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 8:15pm On Apr 07, 2013 |
NAMING CEREMONY Akpors insisted that his first child must bear his name. So on the day of naming... Rev: Which name would u like ur child to bear? Akpors (with smile all over his face) replied; Akpors. Rev: NO! He has to bear an English name. Akpors: Oh ok... Akporsking. Rev (Obviously tired of the prank): LISTEN! Ur son should be named after a saint in the Bible. Akpors: Na wa o... (He thought for a while and obviously with an inspiration and great smile) "Ok pastor; St. Akporstus" 1 Like |
Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 10:54pm On Apr 07, 2013 |
English class: Teacher: What is a Verb? Akpos: A Verb is a valve found in bicycle tyre. Teacher: What are you saying? Akpos: It is a complete sentence sir. Teacher: Are you mad? Akpos: It is a question sir. Teacher: Don't be stupid. Akpos: It is an advice sir. Teacher: Stop that nonsense. Akpos: It is a command sir. Teacher: You're an idiot. Akpos: It is an insult sir. Teacher: Get out of my class. Akpos: It is an order sir. Teacher: Oh! Goodness, What a boy! Akpos: It is an exclamation sir. Teacher: May God have mercy on you. Akpos: It is a prayer sir. Teacher: You need to see a doctor. Akpos: It is a suggestion sir. Teacher: I rest my case. Akpos: It is ur choice sir. 1 Like |
Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 6:52am On Apr 08, 2013 |
Akpos joining the Army: Officer: We need you in the army. Akpos: I’ll join but on three conditions. Officer: Ok. what are the conditions? Akpos: My first condition is that I’ll not wear the uniform because it is hot. Officer: Ok. What is the second condition? Akpos: I’ll not do the perade and other training under the sun because it is hot. I’ll only do it under the shed or some kind of shadow cover. Officer: Ok. What is your third condition? Akpos: And my last and most important condition is that during war times, I’ll remain on leave. |
Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 9:04am On Apr 08, 2013 |
WHO IS THE MUMU? Akpors was sent to deliver a live chicken for xmas celebration in lagos, on his way a careless okada made him to fall off the bike. The chicken immediately ran off. When Akpors saw the chicken running away, he started laughing. And when asked why … he is laughing, he said: “see this mumu chicken, where does she know in lagos when the address is with me. |
Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 1:08pm On Apr 08, 2013 |
A pastor announced, "If you know your wife is controlling you, move to the left". All the men in the church moved to left except Akpos. The pastor was amused and asked, "How come your wife can't control you?" Akpos quietly replied, "Pastor, it's my wife who told me not to move" 1 Like |
Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 1:55pm On Apr 08, 2013 |
A Teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students this Question: Michael if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?? Michael:"Just a minute, I have to go pee.." Teacher: That would be rude & impolite.. How about you Sam?? Sam said:"I really need to go to the Toilet, i'm sorry.." Teacher: That's better but still not nice to say the word Toilet.. Oh you Akpos ?? Can you use your brain?? Akpos said:"Darling, May i please be excused for a moment?? I've got to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom i hope to introduce to you after dinner." "TEACHER FAINTED!!!"~o)~ o) |
Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 8:14pm On Apr 09, 2013 |
[b] Akpos has been admiring his neighbor's wife. The neighbor's wife always gives him this seductive smile whenever they greet each other. Akpos didn't know how to approach the lady to tell her of his desires because she's married. So, one day the lady herself approached Akpors alone in his apartment. AKPOS: Hi. LADY: Hi. AKPOS: Is everything alright? LADY: Yes. Just need little help from you (Smiling seductively). AKPOS: Wow! Anything for the angel. LADY: I... I... I just don't know how to say this. I'll be so ashamed of myself if I ask and you say no. AKPOS: Oh my lady. you don't have to. I am ready to do anything for you. LADY: You know, it's been over 3 weeks since my husband travelled... AKPOS: Yes! Yes! Yes! LADY: And even when he's around, he has some... (pause for a while) he has some disabilities...- AKPOS: Oh poor you... You must have been going through hell! LADY: I know you'll be stronger than him... AKPOS: Sure. LADY: Can you help me? AKPOS: Wow! Now? Sure, I'm ready if you are ready. LADY: Oh thanks goodness! that's why I came to you. Can you help me carry our deep freezer from our kitchen to the next street for repairs? Akpos nearly Cried!!! [/b] |
Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 7:23pm On Apr 10, 2013 |
Akpors was coming back from school, singing and dancing, the father asked him and said: my son dis one dat u are happy, singing and dancing, I have not seen you in dis mood for a while now, akpos replied and said: papa, u will not be buying new textbooks, notebooks and all the writing materials. The father shouted, thats my son, but wait ooo akpos my good son, did you win scholarship or something? Akpos replied: noo papa, I AM REPEATING THE SAME CLASS AGAIN!!! |
Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 7:55am On Apr 11, 2013 |
DAD: What's 10 plus 10? AKPORS: I don't know. DAD: Idiot! You can't answer such a cheap sum...Your stupidity will kill you. AKPORS: Daddy, if you saw a 1000 naira note and a 500 naira note which would you pick? DAD: 1000 of course AKPORS: Idiot! Can't you pick both? Poverty will kill you. 1 Like |
Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 9:17pm On Apr 12, 2013 |
There were this two little boys, 8 years Akpos and Ochuko 10 years old, very mischievous and naughty. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved. They boy's mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old Akpos first, in the morning to see the clergyman. The clergyman, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?". Akpos mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again Akpos made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" Akpos screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother Ochuko found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened? Akpos gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!". |
Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 9:54am On Apr 13, 2013 |
Little akpors attended a horse auction with his father,watching as his father moved from horse to horse,running his hands up and down the horse's legs,rump and chest.after a few minutes,akpors asked,dad,why are u doing that?his father replied,because when i'm buying horses,i av to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before i buy.looking noticeably worried,after few secs akpors said,i think our gateman wants to buy mom |
Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 7:59pm On Apr 13, 2013 |
Akpors was on his way back home early one morning when he came across robbers. They got hold of him. He struggled and struggled but they over powered him. When they searched him and found only #200 on him, the following dialouge ensured. ROBBERS: Is this the # 200 you were struggling to keep AKPORS: No, I thought you were going 2 take the #5,000 in my shoe. The robbers beat him up and quickly made away with the #5,000... 1 Like |
Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 8:01pm On Apr 13, 2013 |
.One day Akpos called his home. The servant picked up the phone. Akpos: where is my wife? Servant: she is with her husband. Akpos: fool, I'm her husband! Servant: sorry sir, i didn't recognize you, then who is the other man in bedroom with her? Akpos: how will i know? Listen,do me a favor. Kill the man and my traitor wife.... The faithful servant followed his orders and called back. Servant: sir, i killed them. What shall i do with their bodies? Akpos: drown them in the river behind our building. Servant: but we don't have any river behind our house..... Akpos replied: Is this house No 6725 Servant: No sir, its 6752. Akpos: Sorry, wrong Number *hangs phone* |
Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 8:21pm On Apr 13, 2013 |
Papa: Papa Emeka is coming to collect d money i owed him. When he comes, tell him i have traveled. U hear?? Akpos: yes Papa. Papa Emeka entered: Akpos where is ur father?? Akpos: he has travelled. Papa Emeka: when is he coming bak? Akpors: wait, let me go and ask him? (Akpos went inside, open d bak of d door and said): Papa, papa Emeka said when are u coming bak?? Papa: tell him next week. Akpos ran bak and said: Papa Emeka, my dady said i should tell u dat he wil be bak next week. Papa Emeka: ok, go and tell him dat if he comes bak next week, he should let me know. The Question is: WHO IS MORE FOOLISH? 1 Like |
Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 10:41pm On Apr 13, 2013 |
foolish couple . After a meeting mrs. Akpors was coming out of a hotel n started looking for her car keys. They were not in her pockets. A quick search in the meeting room... it wasnt there. Suddenly she realized she must have left them in the car. Mr. Akpors has shouted many times bout leaving the keys in the ignition. Mrs. Akpors theory is, the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Mr akpors theory is that the car will be stolen. Immediately she rushed 2d parking lot, she came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty. She immediately called the police, gave them d location, car number and description of the place where she parked etc. She equally confessed that she had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then she made the most difficult call of all, 2 her husband!!! "Honey," she stammered; she always call him "honey" in times like these."I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.", but then she heard his voice. "Idiot", he shouted, "I dropped you at the hotel !" Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me." akpors shouted again, "I will, as soon as I manage to convince this policeman that I have not stolen your car."!!! |
Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 11:05pm On Apr 13, 2013 |
On a very cool evening, Mr. Akpos was with his family, all watching TV when his youngest son, 'Joshua' interrupts with a question. Joshua: Dad(Akpos), whats the difference between 'potential' and ' reality'? Akpos (turns to wife): would u sleep with George.W. Bush for $1 million? Wife: Of course, I will never waste that opportunity. Akpos (turns to daughter): Would u sleep with Brad Pitt for $1 million? Daughter: Yes! He is my fantasy. Akpos (turns to eldest son): Would u sleep with Tom Cruise for $1 million? Eldest son: Why not? Imagine what I would do with that money. Akpos turns to his youngest son Joshua: U see son, 'potentially' we are sitting with multimillionaires BUT in 'reality' we are sitting with two prostitutes and one Gay, idiot!! 2 Likes |
Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 5:12pm On Apr 14, 2013 |
Little Akpors returns from school and says he got an "F" in mathematics. Why? asks the father. Akpors: The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' and I said '6' Father: But that's right! Akpors: Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?' Father: What's the fucking difference? Akpors: That's exactly what I said! |
Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 7:48pm On Apr 14, 2013 |
Akpos came first in his class and his class teacher gave him a gift sayin "well done akpos, i hope u will do d same next time. Akpos smiled and said" tank u sir, i hope u will come again to print d question papers at my uncles printing press next time. |
Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 7:10am On Apr 15, 2013 |
During a Biology class, the teacher asked the class, "Why is it that during childhood girls tend to grow taller than guys?" Akpors raised his hand and replied, "That's because guys have balls and that weighs them down." The teacher, a bit annoyed, responded, "Then why is it that at maturity guys tend to grow taller than girls?" Akpors countered by saying, "That's because girls get breasts and they are heavier than the guy's balls." |
Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 9:01am On Apr 15, 2013 |
Akpos came back from Church and lifted up his wife, his wife was surprised and she said,"Baby, you have not done this to me before," and akpos said, "Our pastor said when we get home, we should lift our problem's to God." |
Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 3:01pm On Apr 15, 2013 |
Akpors to Ekaitte : I can make u say 'I LOVE U'. Ekaitte : No wayyy!! Akpors : Bet ? Ekaitte : Yes. Akpors : Ok start.... Say blue ? Ekaitte : Blue. Akpors : Say pink ? Ekaitte : Pink. Akpors : Say love ? Ekaitte : Love. Akpors : What's 1 1 ? Ekaitte : 2 Akpors : Ur age ? Ekaitte : 22 Akpors : Hahahaha.... I told u I could make u say 22!! Ekaitte : No, u said u could make me say 'I LOVE U' Akpors : Yes yes.. I just did. |
Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 10:15pm On Apr 15, 2013 |
Akpors was having sex with his mistress at her house,when suddenly thieves broke in and he went out of the house running as fast as he could to his house. When he arrived, his wife asked, "why are you naked?" ..He replied,"well, i was attacked by thieves on my way home, they took everything from me". Wife: So why is a condom on your penis?... Akpors...well, as a grown up man, i couldn't run home completely naked. Lmao lwkmdhO |
Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 10:33pm On Apr 15, 2013 |
mumu get levels o lwkmd .. Ekaitte went to an electronic shop with anger and threw her new laptop on the desk of Mr Akpors from whom she bought it. She told Akpors, "You have... cheated me. I cannot transfer file from my previous laptop.." Akpors: Madam, can you please calm down and try it in my presence. This is what Ekaitte did, . 1) Right clicked the mouse on the file which she wanted to transfer and selected CUT option. . 2) Disconnected the mouse from that system. . 3) Took that mouse carefully and connected it to another system where she wanted to copy that file. . 4) Right clicked the mouse and selected the PASTE option. Akpors FAINTED!! |
Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 2:04am On Apr 17, 2013 |
Teacher Wants to Test Akpors IQ .... Teacher: Akpors, what is a Period? Akpors: I don't know the meaning Sir. But I am very sure it is very dangerous. Teacher: Why Akpors? Akpors: because when my sister said that she didn’t see her period for 5months, my mum fainted, my dad got a heart attack and our driver ran away…. So I don’t think Period is a good thing. |
Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 7:42am On Apr 17, 2013 |
A man gave a FAKE N20 to akpos a blind man by the road side who was begging for arms. akpors the blind man said, excuse me sir, but i have to tell u that ur money is fake and i dont like it. The man was suprised and said, how did u know its fake. The blind man(akpos) replied. Well am not blind, am standing in for my blind friend who always stands here. The man asked, and where is ur friend The blind man(akpos) said, he has gone to the cinema to watch a movie. |
Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 8:53pm On Apr 17, 2013 |
AKPOS is the Boss in Office. Lets see how he is interviewing people. AKPOS: There are 500 bricks on a plane. You drop one outside. How many are left? Applicant: That's easy, 499 AKPOS: What are the three steps to put an elephant into a fridge? Applicant: Open the fridge. Put the elephant in. Close the fridge. AKPOS: What are the four steps to put a deer into the fridge? Applicant: Open the fridge. Take the elephant out. Put the deer in. Close the fridge. AKPOS: It's lion's birthday, all the animals are there except one, why? Applicant: Because the deer is in the fridge. AKPOS: How does an old woman cross a swamp filled with crocodiles? Applicant: She just crosses it because the crocodiles are at the lion's birthday. AKPOS: Last question. In the end the old lady still died. Why? Applicant: Er....I guess she drowned? AKPOS: No! She was hit by the brick. You may leave now. IS HE A GOOD BOSS? Yes or No? |
Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 7:40am On Apr 18, 2013 |
Akpos had a bad attendance record for being particularly late for work in the morning. He was called to a disciplinary hearing where he was given a chance to explain his reasons. His argument - "I get up in the morning...I shower...I look in the mirror...try to straighten my hair, then I miss the taxi, then I'm late." His boss has a bright idea. He gets one of Akpos' colleague to sneak into his room & steal the Mirror off the wall without Akpos' knowledge. The following day, Akpos did not turn up for work. The same happened the day after that. Akpos was summoned to another hearing to explain his reasons for not attending work. His argument - "I get up in the morning...I shower...I look in the Mirror...See no Akpos...I think Akpos already left for work. |
Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 7:42am On Apr 18, 2013 |
Teacher: akpos,what is Division of labour?. *Akpos remains silent* Teacher: Division of labour is define as the specialization of cooperating individuals who perform specific tasks and roles.akpos you dont know anything. *At the end of the period,students were told to ask questions.akpos lifted up his hand: Teacher: yes akpos. Akpos: ma,what is Division of marriage?. *Teacher remains silent* Akpos: Division of marriage is define as the process inwhich joy,grace and glory are taking to divide you from your husband..ma,you see there.you dont know anything too. |
Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 11:50am On Apr 19, 2013 |
Akpors a mad man at a Mental Hospital climbed a tree and spent half d day on that tree, all of a sudden he let go of the branch and fell straight to the ground full force. A doctor rushed to the scene and ask sir, what’s the matter with u? Akpors replied: “I DON RIPE!! |
Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 12:58pm On Apr 19, 2013 |
Voice on the phone: Is this Mr.akpors? . Akpors: yes . Voice on the phone: ok, My name is Frank Edoho from who wants to be a millionaire, a friend of urs is on the hot seat and he needs ur help 2 answer d next question which goes for N20M. D voice u will hear nxt is dat of ur friend. *U hv 30secs, ur time starts now* ………….. Rukewe: Hello akpors, “If an open HAND receives GIFT, and an open MOUTH receives KISS and an open HEART receives LOVE, what will open LEGS receive? what do you think the answer will be? |
Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 2:58pm On Apr 19, 2013 |
Akpors wife went on holiday leaving the akpors behind. The husband got so Hot one day that he decided to try ekaite the maid who had just come from calabar village and who seemed clever.... He called the maid to his bedroom where he had taken off his pants, he pointed to his manhood when the maid arrived. Husband: Do you know what this is? Ekaite: (actin Shy) Yes akpors: Do you know what it s for? Ekaite:Yes akpors: show me. Ekaite immediately dropped to her knees held the item with both hands drew closer and opened her mouth. Akpors was shivering with anticipation. Ekaite then began,"My name is ekaite, I'm 23 years old and I'm from calabar . I would like to make a shout-out to my parents, my uncle in Owerri and aunt. I would also like to tell my boyfriend rukewe that I miss him. Can u play me Ashawo by Flavour N'abania?" Then she finally says to akpors, "Oga, take your microphone I'm through... |
Re: Mr. Akpors by liljboy(m): 8:50am On Apr 20, 2013 |
Husband & wife were arguing on who is d most Coward & Scared between dem. After a long argument, they decided to ask their 2 kids who they think was d most Coward & Scared between them. The first Kid says: Dad is d most Coward cos, “He’s scared of women: Whenever he sees a Beautiful lady in town; He closes his one eye (i.e- WINKs @ d LADY)…… Wife realizing d meaning was very angry with her husband” The Second kid (Akpos) says: “dat is nothing My Daddy is not coward as our mummy becos, Mummy is so Scared (coward) to Sleep alone When DAD works Night shift, MUMMY Sleeps with d Man next door; Sometimes She invites d GARDENER or Uncle KINGSLEY to Sleep wit Her. Sometimes Uncle Mayowa d Youth Corper, after leaving ur room even escort her to the bathroom & bath with her just because she’s scared. HUSBAND FAINTED... who is coward and scared? |
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