Fellow landers please i need your sincere advise on this issue, as I'm about losing my temper.

There's this male friend of my husband ( they've been friends since their secondary sch days) that resides in the US. Anytime he want something done for him here in Nig, he calls on my husband, and my hubby always run those errands with all his might, without asking  for anything in return. He buys foodstuffs and some other items and sends them through any available means, collects western union sent from the guy and distributes to the guy's family, etc etc etc.

When he wanted his wife to join him over there, it was my hubby who did all the 'running around', and made sure that all documents were complete. He picks her up as early as 5am to the embassy, drops her off, and so on. To cut the whole story short, this friend of his and his wife does not appreciate all my hubby's effort. They take him for granted as if he's their errand boy. This has caused a lot of problem between my hubby and I so many times.

At last when his wife joined him last year, they stopped calling him. Even when i put to bed late last year, they never called until last month when the guy called him and told him that he's making arrangement to take his mum to US, and that he should help her to run around for the Visa stuff.

My hubby now leaves his business, accompanying this woman up and down. He just told me last night that she'll be spending the night at ours this night so that he'll take her to the embassy tomorrow morning. He even went to drop her off last night around 11pm and came back telling me that my car which he left with packed up on the road. He came back home around 12 mid night without apology. I really don't know why he prefers satisfying his friend at the detriment of his own family.

My hubby had a very serious show down in his business last 2 years, and he had to sell his car. Up till now, he hasn't replaced it. But this so called friend of his couldn't even assist him, rather he tells him stories of how he's the only one taking care of his family.

Honestly, I'm so upset, i don't know how to handle this.

you need to sit your husband down and explain things to him, basically you need to slap him at the back of his head so he would wake up and see that someone is taking advantage of him. if not then give him an ultimatum, you or his friend.

your husband is like many people i know sadly. They think they are "helping" not knowing they are being taken for a fool.

Don't be so quick to think he is being taking advantage of. It could be a variety of things. Are you SURE your husband is not receiving payment for his efforts? Maybe that is the motivating factor, but he is just not telling you. Or, maybe your husband borrowed money from him in the past and has not yet payed off his debt.

Could be so many thing - don't be so quick to judge. As long as it does not intefere with you personally, just let him be.

hmmmmn, women

nalijah07:

Don't be so quick to think he is being taking advantage of. It could be a variety of things. Are you SURE your husband is not receiving payment for his efforts? Maybe that is the motivating factor, but he is just not telling you. Or, maybe your husband borrowed money from him in the past and has not yet payed off his debt.

Could be so many thing - don't be so quick to judge. As long as it does not intefere with you personally, just let him be.

exactly,or he might have done something really awesome for the husband in the past, no fully grown individual is that foolish to act like a robot without some sort of returns,its better you ask your husband what the real deal is and not castigate the man untill u know the real koko

Maybe that is the motivating factor, but he is just not telling you.

and why would he do that? Seeing that he knows how upset she is. Would it be crazy for him to explain to his wife the reason why he's acting like a slave for Mr Ameicana?

Why do people find it so hard to discuss things with their spouses? What is the point of the marriage then? Nonsense

I've asked him, times without number, if he receives any payment for his efforts, but he said No, that he's just doing it for his "tight friend", that they've been like twins all through their sch years. During one of our misunderstandings as regards this issue, he warned me to stay clear of their friendship.

The only thing i know is that once in blue moon, he sends some clothings to him.That is nothing, compared to the stress and risk my hubby passes through because of him.I believe he's just too nice to a fault, and I've advised him several times to stop allowing his friend take him for granted, but he just wouldn't listen to me.

It's really very painful 'because this his so called friend wouldn't do one quarter of what my hubby does for him. I really don't know how else to go about this.

My dear colleaque i understand you because i have the same issue with my husband and i know how it hurts. Some guys are just carefree about being taken advantage of as long as they are satisfied they are rendering help. Some people are like that they will cross the occean for friends/families who cant even cross a bridge for them. Its really sad but unfurtunately i dont know what advise to give because i need one myself. Its only better now that we are a bit far from each other, when we were together we disagree about it every time until i realised this guy is just like that. Even when a friend let him down today he is still helping another friend the same day. He doesnt just run errands at his free time he also spends him money and some of these guys are so stingy and take advantage of his generous nature. Imagine some years ago he was to travel to S/A on holiday with his friend who (i believe) lied to him he was broke at the time and he had to borrow him money which was never paid until today and when this same friend's wife wanted to go have her baby in London he still gave her some money, (d boy is good = apa) the guy has NEVER for once given me a dime.

Take it easy friend, talk to him but dont let that come between you, if you find out its in his blood and cant be flushed out leave him to himself and pray for him, who knows God may pay him back in other ways like my husband will say.

Thank you all for your encouragement. It's nice having people like you on this forum.

@ Ayo, thanks for your concern. I wouldn't really say it's in his blood, because, when it comes to doing such things( such as picking up my parents from d airport) for my family members, he starts "raking sense". He gives excuses of how busy his schedule is. Maybe that's even the most annoying part. But then, anytime we need financial support, neither this his friend nor my hubby's family members shows up. It's only my people that renders such help to us.

The friend's mother eventually slept in our house last night, and this morning, around 5:30am, he took her to the embassy. It really baffles me how my husband leaves his business and stresses himself so much just to satisfy his friend and family. The woman's step daughter lives comfortably with her family here in Lagos, and she's even a house wife. They also have other relations here, but they all go about their normal business.

He's quite aware of how dissatisfied and sad i am with his actions, but cares not. As long as he satisfies those people and scores 100% mark, he feels great. The kids and I are only secondary issue. I really feel sad, and I've started losing my love and respect for him. I'll appreciate him more if he can be firm and more matured.

I hope the friend does not have any "secrets" on your husband. That also, may be the case.

nalijah07:

I hope the friend does not have any "secrets" on your husband. That also, may be the case.

I really don't know my dear, but even if he knows my husband's secret, is that why he should be making a toy of him?
I wouldn't mind if my husband tells me whatever secret (if there's any) if that'll put a stop to all this bullshit.
Maybe I'll try and ask him.

davidylan:

your husband is like many people i know sadly. They think they are "helping" not knowing they are being taken for a fool.

It shall be well with you I think men are like that in nature. until their eye don clear

Afribiz:

Thank you all for your encouragement. It's nice having people like you on this forum.

@ Ayo, thanks for your concern. I wouldn't really say it's in his blood, because, when it comes to doing such things( such as picking up my parents from d airport) for my family members, he starts "raking sense". He gives excuses of how busy his schedule is. Maybe that's even the most annoying part. But then, anytime we need financial support, neither this his friend nor my hubby's family members shows up. It's only my people that renders such help to us.

Sounds like inferiority complex to me, my apologies but that's what i feel. Why will he not be available even for your parents but always available for his friend's family members? I dont understand, ore, you need to talk to him o seriously and let him explaine what the hell is behind this if there is any motive behind such behaviour. Could he be one of those who worships their 'abroadian' friends? My husband's case is a bit different he is there for everyone my family, his, my friends, his. Really you need to talk, u know the importance of communication in marriage, there may be a reason for it which he sure need to explain before love flies off which can be very dangerous for your marital life.

@ Ayo, I know i really need to talk seriously to him, But please, what words should i use this time around, because I've been cautioning him over this, but he always feels adamant. What actions should I take?

i think you should quit giving yourself a high blood pressure over it,once you have made your stance known to your husband then just forget about it and quit bugginh him about it,remember ppl telling you to confront him on here will not find another husband for you if the shit hits the fan and each time you have a row with him is putting more strain on your marriage,the yankee guy is enjoying his life and family and you are having a world war with your husband,you should be thankful its not a lady because what would you have done then?or if he s doing all this for a lady that they were ex in school, dont bother yourself and when he finally comes to realise it,you ll be the first person he ll report to about how ungrateful his friend has been,and then u can reply that nooo,i think you should help him more after all he s your friend

lucabrasi:

i think you should quit giving yourself a high blood pressure over it,once you have made your stance known to your husband then just forget about it and quit bugginh him about it,remember people telling you to confront him on here will not find another husband for you if the shit hits the fan and each time you have a row with him is putting more strain on your marriage,the yankee guy is enjoying his life and family and you are having a world war with your husband,you should be thankful its not a lady because what would you have done then?or if he s doing all this for a lady that they were ex in school, don't bother yourself and when he finally comes to realise it,you ll be the first person he ll report to about how ungrateful his friend has been,and then u can reply that nooo,i think you should help him more after all he s your friend

There was nothing in my post that suggest this lady should fight her husband and i think its only he that wears the shoe that know where it hurts. Marriage is not something to be endured but enjoyed because it a lifetime commitment. Its simply not helpful to the marriage for one to seal issues bothering him/her in because it will definitely affect the relationship.

Imagine the husband not willing to pick his WIFE'S PARENT up at airport but could take his friend's wife, mother to and fro places to get visa. That is unreasonable to me, she needs to talk to him and get things straight instead of living in deep hatred which is unhealthy for a successful marriage.

Afribiz:

@ Ayo, I know i really need to talk seriously to him, But please, what words should i use this time around, because I've been cautioning him over this, but he always feel adamant. What actions should I take?

Honestly, i don't know what exact word you should use. He is your husband and you sure know him more that me, there must be a way you talk to him about other issues. Dont shout at him don't fight him bear your mind and let him know you are not happy with his action in this regard. Look for a good time to talk to him and ask him questions, let him know you are not happy about his inability to render help to your family. I really don't know what words but sit him and let him know how you feel. I want to believe answers to your questions to him may go a long way in helping you. Good luck.

I do so much believe in marriage and i love couples being FRIENDS. When our parents say 'Olorun ase yin ni ore ara yin' (God wl make you each other's friend) we don't seems to really understand the weight of that prayer but believe me if couples are friends then the home will be as interesting as school hostel.

Ore, you need to be your husband's friend and be happy with each other so please work it out, you know the way tongue and teeth fight and i second after they are friends again. May God help you out, Good luck

i wasnt reffering to you specifically,its a general statement im just saying that kind of issue shouldnt be a major issue that ll be causing recurrent rows and fights in the home,it can weaken a marriage and dont forget we r talking of nigeria where its easier for a man to just stroll outside and get some unlike the western world,most men cannot cope with continuous rows over and over again no matter what,there are worse things like womanising e.t.c

Imagine the husband not willing to pick his WIFE'S PARENT up at airport but could take his friend's wife, mother to and fro places to get visa. That is unreasonable to me, she needs to talk to him and get things straight instead of living in deep hatred which is unhealthy for a successful marriage.

Exactly.
Dont know why lucabrasi is even making such lame excuses.

How come you dont have anything to say about the fact that the man makes excuses for helping his in-laws but not this friend that makes him run around like a goat? How can you expect the wife not to be bothered? If he was unnecessarily "helpfful" like that to EVERYONE then it'd be fine but to do stuff for a friend but then complain when it comes to your wife's family? That's rubbish.

Afri, like someone said he could have something on your husband unfortunately and even if you aks I doubt he'd tell you.

im not making excuses for the man,all im saying is that even though the man is wrong and has misplaced his priorities,the fact remains that its better for the poster to just chill out with the rows and leave him alone to come round to her way of seeing things, the husband knows what she feels about the whole scenario so its on record,but constant rows and arguments,with the husband over a serious but not too serious issue isnt the way to go, most advise on here is easy to say in theory but in practical its not so easy

ayomifull:

Marriage is not something to be endured but enjoyed because it a lifetime commitment.

Got that right!! However, it's not a life time commitment.

My husband used to be Bobo nice. Pfffff!  I've cured him. Those people who only call you when they need something have since been crossed off our friends list.

It amuses me when men scamper around for friends and relatives beyond logic. please be careful what you say to him lest you become the bad wife. One day he'll wake up 'bruised and battered" by the continuous errands he has been running for his 'master' and realize that he can't do it anymore.

Afribiz,

I will sincerely tell to please allow your husband to live life the way he wish to.There a lot of people like him who care much about people and is ever ready to help friends.Your husband is a special person that is not jealous of his friends,not greedy and ready to sacrifice for other people.Don;t be suprise of Gods blesses to his life and business.Even though things might be rough at the moment,he will get to his right place.
I don;t want to give you stories similar to your husband case,but i can only assure you your husband is going to live above his present situation.
Every body may assume him to be a fool or being used,time will tell who is using who.

Brown, I was gon' say the same too but the poster actually said he don't do the same for her family. I think that's not good. Charity begins at home if I must say that.

KarmaMod:


How come you don't have anything to say about the fact that the man makes excuses for helping his in-laws but not this friend that makes him run around like a goat?

Radiant,I am sure you will not like your husband to be compared with such a figurative.
I purposely left that area because the poster should know why her husband is exhibiting such behaviour to her family.I am sure there is something he don;t like about your family members behaviour.With effective communication your husband will give the reasons.If he can do so much for his friend,he could do more for your family.Don;t forget that an overbearing situation(s) can change a man;s behaviour.

@Poster,show more love and affections to your husband and you will get 99.9% of the content of his heart.

Brown, why u gon' quote some other and mention my name underneath??

I'm a bit undecided about this story but I'll just stick to what I said before, charity begins at home.

Sorry i meant no evil.I only quoted why i left that part of the story.
Well you have a right to your opinion but don;t forget we have two sides to a coin.

Madam play your part, He will soon learn his lesson.

@brown

so u're saying the guy should continue helping out his friends even though his wife is unhappy? Please, I so do not agree with that. The measure of a real man/husband is how happy his home is (according to me). His number one priority should be making and keeping his wife happy. Every other person should come last! lol

The guy obviously has misplaced priorities. My advise to his wife is to keep praying. If she cant stand it, she should go on vacation and let him be for a while. I'm a wife and I certainly wont want my husband to be a 'dodoyo' for some friend who only remembers him when he needs a favor. That's not true friendship. I dont see how the guy will be blessed for helping his friend at the expense of his wife's happiness.

The only thing you can do is sit your husband down and peacefully try to explain to him how you feel. Give him the same examples that you gave us here on the board and hope that he can see through this one sided friendship. If he still is unable to see the reason behind what you are telling him, then the only thing you can do is continue to support him in his decisions and pray that he will eventually come around and see the truth.

Abraham did not listen to the advice of his wife Sarah until Jehovah God spoke to him and told him to "listen to her voice. Unfortunately God cannot speak to us outright anymore. He chooses to help us gain wisdom and understanding and when that does not work sometimes he allows us to learn the hard way. It is a hard lesson learned in this manner, however it is just that. A lesson. SO maybe it will take him getting tired and fed up before he can see the truth. Either way, he is your husband and you married him for better or for worse. Stick by his side and be the best wife and friend you can be. Respect his decisions and when he falls hard from this unbalanced friendship, be there to catch him.

I'm really getting advise and encouragement from you guys, lots of love(lol).
Well, i talked over the issue with him last weekend, he initially tried putting up an argument ( telling me that he has the right to help his friend and his friends family), but when he saw how serious and bitter i was, he somehow came to his senses. He did apologised, especially for not being there for my parents.

I've forgiven him, but you know, the memories don't just die like that. We're now trying to recover and make up for the damage and vacuum that existed.

He told me that he and "his friend" are planning to go into car dealing, ie, the friend sends down cars, while he sells and gives account. I just pray he'll be wise this time around and behave like a business colleague instead of a messenger.

Afribiz:

I'm really getting advise and encouragement from you guys, lots of love(lol).
Well, i talked over the issue with him last weekend, he initially tried putting up an argument ( telling me that he has the right to help his friend and his friends family), but when he saw how serious and bitter i was, he somehow came to his senses. He did apologised, especially for not being there for my parents.

I've forgiven him, but you know, the memories don't just die like that. We're now trying to recover and make up for the damage and vacuum that existed.

He told me that he and "his friend" are planning to go into car dealing, ie, the friend sends down cars, while he sells and gives account. I just pray he'll be wise this time around and behave like a business colleague instead of a messenger.

i hope you see that even though he didnt press it,you are at fault now as well,you didnt know that fact about that friend sending cars down earlier yet you were calling your husband a mumu,and everybody else on here, those who didnt know the reason the man was doing all he was doing were telling you to do this and that,pray that guy doesnt come on nairaland and recognise this scenario as his,now that he will be sending cars to your husband and the money will be rolling in,im sure you will spend out of that money without complaints,ill advise you like i said before you even posted this new update to just chill out and let the man do his thing,and i hope this one will be a lesson to always quit nagging nagging and not get in between two friends because of your feminine ego

I wasn't nagging, neither was i getting in between two friends, it's just that he was over using my husband. My husband on the other hand, neglected his family for this his friend. So try and get what i mean.How i wish he'll even come in contact with this forum, i think that will let him know the extent of my concern.

The intending car business is not primarily for the sake of my husband. If the friend wouldn't be making money from it, I'm very sure he wouldn't have even thought of it in the first place. So stop castigating me unduly. He's my husband and i know what I'm talking about. We do have misunderstandings, which we settle amicably afterall, but this one was getting beyond my control, that's why i seek for advice.

He's not a lazy man, he can make more than enough money from his business. So, the car business proposal cannot be a cause to tolerate nonsense. I'm very particular about the peace of my family.

The friend actually called last night and kept on stressing that my husband should make sure he gives him the actual prices at which he sells the cars. Infact, he said he'll be sending only a car at a time. I hope you understand what that means.