guys below is a rough draft chapter one of a small series am writing please read ad let me know what you think, thanks


1
Kiri kiri is what they call it outside, very few people know the real name of the prison ,’ kiri kiri’ was what struck fear in the minds of most criminals still at large they feared this place more than the law enforcement officers still searching for them ,the only reason I knew the name by heart were mainly because they were the last words I heard from the judges mouth during my sentencing before the usual uproar that accompanied the number of years I was being sentenced, I remember asking the bailiff how many years I got later in the corridor while waiting for the van, the other reason I remember the name of my prison was the bold inscription on the wall as you are being led into it
“MAXIMUM SECURITY PRISONS, KIRI- KIRI, APAPA”
It was bold and it was the last thing you saw before you were tossed into the place,
For many people who had never been In a prison for a crime, you think that they only keep you there, starve you and maybe torture you occasionally but here in kiri –kiri the whole building was created to torture from the heat to the flies and lack of toilet facilities you’re the closest you’ll ever get to hell while on earth.
I found out after a few days of being here how precious freedom was compared to all the money out there, money and the lust for it being the major factor that got most people in here, as soon as one gets in you begin to lust after your freedom.
There so many things you should know about the people in here, the first thing being everybody is innocent…everybody has one side of the story that totally absolves them of their crime but most stories here were never heard by the sentencing judge hence the story tellers end up in jail recanting the stories to warders, inmates and people like me who should know better than to believe them…, by the way am innocent too and I will tell you my story.

The idea is not bad - memoirs of a jail-bird - but brother! You sure have a lot of work to do.

First of all, you need a computer. From the speed at which you told your story, and the absence of full-stops (sometimes replaced with commas), I'm guessing you typed the thing up in a cyber-cafe. That won't work. You need a system somewhere relaxed and quiet where you can work and edit your write-ups comfortable.

Secondly, I think your story needs to get a little serious. You're writing about a prison experience, right? Stuff like that aren't told off-handly - like towards the end, where you said: by the way, am innocent too . . . By the way?? You can talk like that if your story is about a street-wise punk (they talk fast, see?), but not when you trying to convince us of your innocence. Make the words you use infuse the reader with the betrayal and pain you feel at being wrongly convicted.

And lastly, don't get cold-feet. You got a good story; all you have to do is tell it right. Ciao!

kay9 thanks for your reply though like i said its still a very rough draft but would like it if you rted Chapter two and let me know what you think,

2
There is a high perimeter fence that surrounds the prison grounds, high smooth walls that were meant to cage us in or so they thought when it was built years ago, criminals of today were much smarter than just high fences and with the increasing number of insane attempts to escape even at the cost of broken limbs, barbed wires were installed at the top of the fences, you would think that this would stall the attempts ,it did nonetheless some fools -like Muda who was found on top of the fence at 2am in the morning screaming ”Please help me!” at the top of his lungs- were undeterred.
The fence runs round the compound enclosing 5 blocks, with each block having 3 floors and a large hall which doubled as the cafeteria and lounge to restrict the movement of inmates to their blocks except during the recreation hours when we were allowed to mingle , E block was the newest block and it was the block everybody wanted to be incarcerated in, mainly because the windows in some rooms were larger and they had latrines instead of buckets for feces, the name had changed so many times from Federal Palace hotel to Sheraton hotel but it was now called Aso rock because it was the block in which Obasanjo had spent his nights before being catapulted to Aso rock, for some reason the name stuck, new inmates were brought to this block and as your years in prison progressed you went from here on to the other blocks depending on your crimes while inside or who you piss off, staying on in Aso rock was politics and it was here I started my adventure as I like to call it.
In prison you don’t need a reason to like or hate anybody, from a simple conversation o r comment in the cafeteria while queuing you could find yourself in the midst of friends by dinner and the same talk with wrong person could find you in a pool of blood in the middle of the night, silence here is not necessarily golden but is advised, however there are people here like Congo who would just simply hate you even for keeping quiet and the way he stared at me from across the tables in the cafeteria I could tell he hated me, I quickly looked down into my plate of watery beans and swallowed hard.
I wasn’t one to be rattled so easily but if you had a six foot very muscular bully staring hard at you for no reason in an all male prison ,believe me you would be sweating as hard as I was right now, I looked away and struck up unnecessary conversation with my neighbor, just something to take my mind of the monster that was looking at me and also to give him the impression that I also wasnt a nobody in this s place.
“pali how far now ?“ I said to the fellow sitting beside me
“How far with what?’ he retorted
‘How far with Congo he been staring at me all morning’
‘Ahh, well it means he likes you ‘ he smiles and turns to other people at the table and before I could say ‘what does that mean’ he points to me and shouts loud enough for alll at the table to hear
‘Everybody Congo likes him!’ and everyone bursts out laughing.

Hey damayor, I don’t want you to see me as some literature guru, alright? I’m just a budding writer like you, so don’t take my comments as the gospel truth. I’m been wrong before – lotsa times in fact! Anyway, I think it's going to be a little harder for me to say exactly what I think this time. I suppose your style of writing is different from mine, but I'd expected your chapter 2 to give a little insight into how you got into jail in the first place - since you ended chapter 1 with a statement of your innocence. But you seem headed in another direction entirely. Anyway, it's your style.
_{And don’t you think your chapters are too short? At that rate, you’ll need like a hundred and fifty chapters to make a good novel.}

All in all, damayor, I think you're a good story-teller; now you have to become a good story-writer - and those two things are quite different. Here's my suggestion: try short stories. They are a very good way of refining your writing skills, and - this is the best part! - you don't have worry about publishing. Just post them here at Lit-nairaland; we'll rate 'em for you – free of charge!

Umm,you don’t have to read this part, ok? I just thought I should tell you of something I call "looping around"; it's when you start a story from the middle - or somewhere near the middle - and then circle back to the actual beginning before completing the story. Orinkila used it at the start of his story "A Summer To Remember" (here's the page: https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-157292.0.html ), and I tried it out in “Best Laid Plans” ( https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-130665.0.html ). You might wanna try it out. But there's a catch: don't make the loop too wide. In other words, don't dilly-dally around in the middle for too long; it might make your story develop multiple threads, and that would bore your readers.

hmm thanks a bunch for your reviews believe me its refreshing to hear a honest opinion, well as for the story well its actually some short stories from prison ,it focuses more on the narrator telling stories about people (stories ) and funny events that occur in jail, he is a criminal no doubt and like i said everybody believes they are innocent , the story doesn't set out to prove his innocence at all its just a series of narratives , also i intend to add more to each chapter 4 now i just write it out as it comes without embellishing i just needed to know what pple may think, also the first few chapters i tried to create a mental picture of the various locations where events will occur and just create a general feel and curiosity for my readers thanks a bunch and watch out four rough draft 3 , am avoiding the chapter thingy, thanks

I have read and I love the narrative so far. If you continue with the drafts, you will end up with a good novel.

Have you done your research on the life of inmates in Kirikiri?

Have you done your research on the life of inmates in Kirikiri?

This is a valid question. You have at "feel" what is it like to be imprisoned so that it will have some semblance of realism. If possible, you can research on the prison system in Nigeria, meet with human right lawyers, and meet with govenmental agencies. it will hepl. Good luck.

I think the story is nice but as a forumite pointed out, inprive on the tenses and punctuation.

well i must say am glad with the responses so far considering this write up was somthing i have put away for so long ,but the ides are there and this is just a ruff draft-unedited, but then i apreciate the commments so much i have decided to post the next chapter here for you guys to review, please watch this space!