Trust—the act of placing confidence in someone or something else—is a fundamental human experience, necessary for society to function and for any person to be relatively happy. Without it, fear rules. Trust is not an either/or proposition, but a matter of degree, and certain life experiences can impact a person's ability to trust others.

Trust issues are like slow-spreading cancers that can kill a promising relationship.

Imagine...

...being accused almost everyday of cheating with friends, relatives, co-workers or anyone else, but you've never cheated, not even once and have no intention of doing so;
...your BF/GF/Spouse calling or texting you multiple times a day at work or in the midst of running errands to 'check up on you';
...having your BF/GF/Spouse pop up at your job, unannounced, trying to see who you're talking to or who's talking to you;
...being given the third-degree, if you come in late from work;
...hearing your partner ask your kids: "Who was in the house today?"
...coming home, being dragged to the bedroom and made to suffer through the indignity of having your BF/Hubby "check out" your private area for signs of intimate going-ons;
...coming home and having your GF/Wife sniffing all over your body, trying to detect the smell of perfume, soap or the after-smell of intimacy;
...having your BF/GF/Spouse demand your email password or ask to go through your phone ,so as to detect strange phone numbers or suspicious text messages (possible signs of cheating);
...being forced to close all your social networks.

Imagine all this and more.

Now imagine yourself trusting again - happy and secure in a good relationship.

How? By working through your trust issues.

At the root of all trust issues is a past betrayal. Whether abused as a child or cheated on by a spouse, the betrayed person will go through life seeing themselves as less desirable than others, or believing themselves to be unlovable. They will keep others at a distance, avoiding intimate relationships. Only by working through these trust issues - or, rather, lack of trust issues - can the person learn to maintain a healthy boundary while still letting others in.

The deepest issues stem from child abuse, whether molestation, physical or emotional. Molestation and physical abuse are easier to be aware of as an adult, but emotional abuse can cause even more psychological problems and trust issues in an adult abuse survivor. As children who were abused grow up, they may perceive that others will not love them for making mistakes or behaving in certain ways. They also might have a hard time saying "no" to people they care about and people in positions of authority.

All humans are born with a fundamental need to be loved and to love. When children don't receive love, as adults they'll feel a lack of self-worth, that their feelings don't matter, that they lack personal power and that they are unlovable. With these thoughts can come an inability to trust others or their own gut feelings, or a pattern of continuing to trust the wrong people.

When an adult is in an intimate relationship and is betrayed by a partner - whether cheated on, abandoned or abused - they may internalize some of the same ideas as the abused child. They feel powerless, unlovable, and that they are responsible for the betrayal or deserved it. If, at this point, the adult doesn't begin to realize that these internal beliefs are flawed and can hurt them just as much as the hurtful betrayal of another, they'll go on to develop relationships with other abusers or to find inappropriate coping mechanisms such as addictions, perfectionism, misplaced anger or symptoms of physical illness such as high blood pressure or migraines. In any case, they may find themselves unable to trust another person enough to form a truly intimate relationship.

To work through your trust issues, you need to recognize the source of the betrayal and the cause of your anger. If you've been wearing a mask of "I don't care" or "I don't need anyone," it's time to drop the mask and examine yourself. If the betrayal occurred in childhood or hurt you very deeply, it can be helpful to have a therapist or counselor advise you as you work through these issues.

After you dig up and acknowledge your real feelings, it's time to understand and express them. Even in an otherwise healthy relationship, it's easy to express your feelings the wrong way. For example, you may say, "You never come home when you say you will," after your partner stays out too late. Remember that you're responsible for your own feelings and actions, and you can't control the other person's behavior. Say instead something like, "I felt hurt and worried last night, and I don't like feeling like that." Focusing on your feelings instead of the other person's behavior may help him to actually listen and hear you. If s/he does listen to you, you've both made a step towards resolving your trust issues. If, on the other hand, s/he refuses to listen to how you feel, you may want to reassess the relationship. Just the act of stating or owning your feelings is a step toward recovering trust.

Next, you need to examine your history of relationships. If you see a pattern of behavior, such as repeatedly choosing people who are verbally or physically abusive, you should consider changing both the behavior and your boundaries, two important factors in trust issues. Boundaries can be externally physical (like "your space" or "comfort zone", intimate (you determine when, where, how and with whom you choose to be intimate), or internal and emotional (only you are in control of how you feel and what you think, and the same is true for others). You need to "say good-bye" to past abuses or betrayals after seeing how they've been affecting your life. It's likely that you haven't truly done that, even if you think you have. Then you can grieve for those memories you've put behind you. You're giving up an old familiar way of thinking and acting, and that can be both difficult and painful. But it is a vital step in resolving your own trust issues.

Finally, use what you've learned about your feelings and your boundaries to establish relationships in which you assume responsibility for your feelings and actions, and the other person does the same. By healing past betrayals, forgiving the betrayer and yourself - especially your child-self - and taking responsibility for your adult-self, you can reestablish your ability to trust and overcome your trust issues.

Sources:
goodtherapy.com
life123.com - "Working Through Your Trust Issues" by L. Lee Scott

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