Funny Comments Made In Court - Jokes Etc - Nairaland
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| Funny Comments Made In Court by uzolexis(f): 9:13pm On Sep 09, 2014 |
TOO FUNNY NOT TO PASS ON!! How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces? These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! _______________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. _________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral... _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. 21 Likes 16 Shares |
| Re: Funny Comments Made In Court by Nobody: 9:19pm On Sep 09, 2014 |
The last one is the BOMB!  4 Likes |
| Re: Funny Comments Made In Court by ideyhere(f): 9:21pm On Sep 09, 2014 |
Most of the time those attorneys ask such silly questions intentionally just to see if you will contradict yourself... 1 Like |
| Re: Funny Comments Made In Court by uzolexis(f): 9:25pm On Sep 09, 2014 |
Ceasar1: The last one is the BOMB! that doctor wicked i swear |
| Re: Funny Comments Made In Court by herald9: 9:32pm On Sep 09, 2014 |
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| Re: Funny Comments Made In Court by constance500: 9:37pm On Sep 09, 2014 |
Wtf I don die o |
| Re: Funny Comments Made In Court by Nobody: 9:44pm On Sep 09, 2014 |
uzolexis: Please do you've more or does the curtain ends here? |
| Re: Funny Comments Made In Court by Chanchit: 9:58pm On Sep 09, 2014 |
I love this, silly questions derserve silly answers... |
| Re: Funny Comments Made In Court by Nobody: 10:02pm On Sep 09, 2014 |
herald9:dude,why is there a (f) attached to yo name ?  |
| Re: Funny Comments Made In Court by yorex2011: 10:07pm On Sep 09, 2014 |
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| Re: Funny Comments Made In Court by herald9: 10:15pm On Sep 09, 2014 |
Jregz:Una no wan free me ba na mistake... e go correct soon how far...Hw ve u bin? MTN Don follow smile on u?...onto say u be #TeamHeavyDataUser  |
| Re: Funny Comments Made In Court by uzolexis(f): 10:21pm On Sep 09, 2014 |
Ceasar1: that is all i have for now. If i find more i'll post it. your signature is funny btw..i always try to safely remove my usb except i'm in a hurry 1 Like 1 Share |
| Re: Funny Comments Made In Court by Nobody: 10:32pm On Sep 09, 2014 |
herald9:lol...Mtn no give me 1mb self,Stingy arseholes *stern face* |
| Re: Funny Comments Made In Court by Nobody: 10:33pm On Sep 09, 2014 |
Lmaoooooo Lawyers ask these silly questions on purpose though |
| Re: Funny Comments Made In Court by Abbey2sam(m): 10:58pm On Sep 09, 2014 |
Now this is what I call funny |
| Re: Funny Comments Made In Court by Nobody: 2:40am On Sep 10, 2014 |
Lmao |
| Re: Funny Comments Made In Court by AfricanApple(f): 9:32am On Sep 10, 2014 |
op, u try. Kitts darn funny. lmao 1 Like |
| Re: Funny Comments Made In Court by cirmuell(m): 11:04am On Sep 10, 2014 |
| some are too dumb a question! |
| Re: Funny Comments Made In Court by cirmuell(m): 11:05am On Sep 10, 2014 |
ideyhere: Most of the time those attorneys ask such silly questions intentionally just to see if you will contradict yourself...exactly. |
| Re: Funny Comments Made In Court by Jbluv55(m): 1:30pm On Sep 10, 2014 |
uzolexis:Nice one ma'am. I loved 'em all. Cirmuell, thanks for sharing - maybe I'll make this the first post I'll formally share. BTW, I can't seem to find my 'like' button again. Albeit Seun is up to something . |
| Re: Funny Comments Made In Court by cirmuell(m): 1:32pm On Sep 10, 2014 |
Jbluv55: the boss is up to something again.Howdy bro.  |
| Re: Funny Comments Made In Court by Jbluv55(m): 1:53pm On Sep 10, 2014 |
cirmuell:Baba mo gentu o . How's life na? |
| Re: Funny Comments Made In Court by cirmuell(m): 2:01pm On Sep 10, 2014 |
Jbluv55:life dey fyn jaare.  |
| Re: Funny Comments Made In Court by flinton(m): 5:38pm On Sep 10, 2014 |
Buhahaha... Wat a stress relieving piece! 1 Like |
| Re: Funny Comments Made In Court by purplesummer(f): 10:45am On Sep 11, 2014 |
uzolexis:I so love intelligent witnesses 2 Likes |
| Re: Funny Comments Made In Court by sunnedee: 3:10pm On Sep 15, 2014 |
is either a hostile witness, or the legal situation of an attorney needing something stated in court so that it's part of the record. He needs the witness to explicitly state his son is 20. A lot of things in a courtroom don't count until admitted. "Why did you ask if he was dead at the autopsy?" "So it didn't get brought up later, or to prove a legal element of the case." Its part of the process of establishing basic facts in court. Not my words..... found it online http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/1yssp9/these_are_from_a_book_called_disorder_in_the/ |
| Re: Funny Comments Made In Court by dabayomi(m): 9:10pm On Sep 15, 2014 |
Loooooooooooooooooooooool |
| Re: Funny Comments Made In Court by ibnzubair(m): 7:37am On Sep 16, 2014 |
OP can you make similar thread for doctors? I'm currently a medical student and would love to know things to watch out for on a stressful day |
| Re: Funny Comments Made In Court by checkdate(m): 2:33pm On Sep 16, 2014 |
uzolexis: TOO FUNNY NOT TO PASS ON!!hahahahahahahaa 1 Like
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| Re: Funny Comments Made In Court by epospiky(m): 9:39am On Sep 18, 2014 |
uzolexis: TOO FUNNY NOT TO PASS ON!!hahaha...can't stop laughing. Brilliant answers to silly questions. 1 Like |
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