noble4d:


Good choice of words, easy to understand by lay readers. You kept on using "..." In your poem, you need to learn how to appropriately use punctuations in poetry. Also, your poem is not well organize. I know you can do better, keep it up.

noble4d:


Hallo veni, you should endeavor to organize your poem in such a way that lay readers will understand. The lines in your poem are scattered which makes the stanzas to break.

venivedivici:


If I decide to write for 'lay' readers, where would that leave the 'enlightened' ones, bruv?
Also, I mainly employed run-on lines, which is what probably made the poem seem scattered, and the lines broken. Poetry isn't restrictive or prescriptive, man.

texanomaly:
Why did you skip LORDI?

noble4d:


Hallo LORDI, this is an example of a well designed building with a weak pillar. Punctuations has a vital role in poetry. Your poem is wonderfully organize but punctuations are lost.

noble4d:


Hi Ayozainy, your hard works in the Appreciation of poetry is obvious. You've really improve. Your choice of words are okay, easy for lay readers to understand. I strongly feel the pains and sorrowful mood of the poet, it's really touching. Your poem is arranged in six octave..But you need to improve on your punctuations. God bless you.

Pacesetter4lyf:
Black and behind bars

He stood behind bars and dialogued with karma,
His senses are plagued, he wished he hadn’t,
Regrets form, behind tar darkened skull,
And sorrow and sorrow let his hide radiate darkness.

He shines so bright – like soot,
His sunken eyes cry for Karma’s mercy,
More so, they want bear witness to the truth,
And see if it could invite life’s clemency.

I however feel his misery,
But know nothing about this mystery,
See, a black Negro lies awasting,
He clings to bars and gulps life’s sting.

The man behind bar looks shabby,
Skin and wear outdoing each other in blackness,
I hear his trousers shout '‘let me be’',
As it surges downwards in the cell’s darkness.

But to forgive is divine,
Succor will come again – someday,
When this Negro will feast with glass of fine wine,
And tell us what the bars say,
And advice fellows on the path they choose – someday.

pacesetter4lyf

iyabodeh:
9. An Illusion Of Freewill

When free will becomes an illusion,
Dreams of old remain on repeat.
How do you free truth from deceit?
When you're trapped by own emotion.

The evil is a memory in the head.
It roams, lurks and even pricks.
Guilty conscience to attack, it seeks.
So common sense can turn up dead.

Freedom from our own guilt, we wish.
Servitude to a higher being, we plead.
But when he comes with fire, hearts skid.
And yet, we remain trapped like a fallen witch.

Freedom is an illusion of free will.
Iron bars that are weak, seam real.
Darkened souls, forever roam free.
Yet, the remorse of the weak remain same.
#####

Pdizzle:
Take me away
*
The hard floor has eaten into my ribs and fed fat on it,
My eyes frail and skin pale from the extreme cold at nights and the day's heat,
My lungs beg for quality air,
My heart quivers with fear,
My bones beg for strength,
I feel ashamed, I've failed at length.
*
My spine found a new friend,
These bars i lean on, send cold chills down the bend
I feel happy for it,
It takes the tingle and send it down my feet,
Though i miss deborah's thighs and body seat,
At least it has something to play with.
*
Take me away, back to the days i was warned and heeded not,
And i will lend listening ears,
Take me away, back to the days i erred and careth not,
And i won't listen to my peers,
Take me away, back to the days i was caught,
And i will hide better,
Take me away from these thoughts,
Take me away from this fetter.

firestar:
Genjutsu

It's just morning
Yet, I recall
I recall the day before
The day before The Eclipse
Those words I play
I play like a mantra
A mantra in
In the recess of my mind:


^{Why the caged bird sings
He tweets a fine haunting tune...
His plea? Release me...}


I am trapped
With this haunt
It's dusk at dawn

My spirit's out
My soul within
Trapped by an illusion
Sealed in

Singing a haunt
That you might hear
Flaunt my despair
For you see...

If you can hear me
I'll be set free
So I sing
I sing to be free

firestar:
Genjutsu

It's just morning
Yet, I recall
I recall the day before
The day before The Eclipse
Those words I play
I play like a mantra
A mantra in
In the recess of my mind:


^{Why the caged bird sings
He tweets a fine haunting tune...
His plea? Release me...}


I am trapped
With this haunt
It's dusk at dawn

My spirit's out
My soul within
Trapped by an illusion
Sealed in

Singing a haunt
That you might hear
Flaunt my despair
For you see...

If you can hear me
I'll be set free
So I sing
I sing to be free

ayozainy:
2



BONDAGE...I NEED MY FREEDOM

Shackles of the dim past
Lights my soul with pain.
In pensive mood I cry,
My heart leaps, for unknown -
The unwanted part of me
Has made my being a fool
For I gather my chain
And lie on the solid soil.
***********************
My hands knows no craft
I look without seeing,
For I am well ordained
With ornaments of crime,
Rags of unwanted perjury
Is mine to behold.
The ray of light I see
Has made me blind within.
************************
My freedom I cry -
This lock is so unfriendly,
I wash and sleep in tears
For my soul fears them all.
My room is shallow
With unwanted occupants,
Hunger now my buddy
For I eat my vomit.
*****************
Let me out of here
Anybody! Somebody!!
I need my freedom.
Just give me a piece of bread
To make me bear my brunt.
This cross I carry alone
Is too much for a con
Who has now been pervaded.
*************************
Freedom. Freedom.
Is all my being longs for.
The padlock on me
Makes me an unwanted honey.
I wander here all alone,
In an infested boulevard.
An unplanned mystery
Is what awaits me.
*******************
Can I ever see the light?
Will the sun ever see me?
Would I have my own?
My loneliness frauds me,
A fraudster now defrauded.
Untie my hands, I plead;
Unlock this chain, I cry;
Give me freedom, I sing.
**********************

joseph1832:
I suggest you write for both lay and enlighten readers. Basically anyone who reads your poem should be able to understand what you're saying.

venivedivici:


You mean you couldn't understand my poem? And no, no matter how simple a poem is, there are those who wouldn't still understand. Poetry's meaning is not in choice of words, but the meaning these words ultimately present.
Personally, I don't think there are 'lay readers', or that poetry should be 'watered down' to suit a particular audience. Do you write for an audience, or for art?

venivedivici:


You mean you couldn't understand my poem? And no, no matter how simple a poem is, there are those who wouldn't still understand. Poetry's meaning is not in choice of words, but the meaning these words ultimately present.
Personally, I don't think there are 'lay readers', or that poetry should be 'watered down' to suit a particular audience. Do you write for an audience, or for art?

timpaker:
Punctuations are very important in poems. (Note that I've helped you in doing that)
I love your use of metaphor in verse 2
I also admire your style of writing. Keep it up.