Forget what the priest told
you during catechism. Forget
about the epistle Sister Nkiru
preached to you in Sunday
school. The truth is –
everyone lies ! Yeah, you
heard me – every freaking
person you can think of.
Women lie, men lie, Politicians
lie, Pastors lie, Imams lie, the
government lies...everyone
lies! And lying doesn’t make
you the child of the devil.
I’ve been told a ton of lies
since I was brought into this
world; lies about the
boogeyman, lies that kids came
from heaven, lies that orange
seeds grew in one’s stomach
and many more. And when I
came of age and realized that
all those were lies, I decided
I’ve had enough.

Women lie!

They lie about their age : she’s
22, come carry all that nyansh
with a freckled face, walking
like a granny – LIAR.
They lie about being in a happy
relationship : but the last time
you were seen at a soiree, you
had a black eye. Who come
give you the black eye? – LIAR.
They tell their hubby money
isn’t everything : but on
Instagram, you secretly admire
Bunmi’s new birthday gift
from the husband; a brand
new Kia Optima while you still
walk around the streets of
Lagos in a 'Leggedes benz' –
LIAR
They lie about their hymen : oh
baby, I am still a virgin. The
hymen broke when I was
climbing a cashew tree as a
kid. I wonder when cashew tree
don turn to prick – LIAR
They lie about cumming: yes,
yes, yes, chi m o, hit it, yea,
yea, obu mi o, ori mi o, I don
die o, na so, I am
cummmmmiinnnngggggggggggg
...and the guy go dey feel
like Captain America or
Commando – LIAR

They lie about virtually
everything. One time, we were
in a commercial bus and there
was a flashy chick in the front.
I won’t lie, she looked gaudy,
fly and fabulous. Then all of a
sudden, she started answering
a call and told a thousand lies
that would even make the
devil envious:
“Yes o, I just landed in Lagos 2
days ago. Our plane stopped at
the airport in Lekki. Yes, the
one on the island. The journey
was fantastic. I didn’t even
know it is very cold in the sky
o. As I brought out my hand
and was touching the clouds, it
started raining. So I had to
bring in my hand and wind up
the window”, she said to the
other seemingly bush and
ignorant person on the other
end of the phone.

Men nko!

They lie about their bank
accounts : you get 500K for
your GTBank account, na em
you dey borrow the girl phone
to make call – LIAR
They lie to their friends about
how pretty their babes are: but
the last time she came with
you to the beer palour, na laff
your guys take comot. Because
dem never see that kind
baboon before – LIAR
They lie about not telling lies :
YES, they lie about this all the
time.“Oh baby, c’mon, don’t
you trust me again? That
person that called my phone –
Waitress – yes, that is the pet
name I gave my little cousin. I
can’t lie to you na. Trust me” –
LIAR
They lie about understanding
what you are talking about
when they obviously don’t :
especially on those weekends
when a derby match is taking
place. You keep on ranting
about your evil colleague in the
office and how you would
gladly strangle her. He claims
he understands all you are
talking about when his eyes
are fully glued on the TV –
LIAR.

One time, when we were
teenagers, young boys gathered
at Mama Emma’s shop in the
evening, to buy akara balls and
bread. Lasso, the fine boy,
started bragging about
smashing the new girl that just
moved into the neighborhood.
He claimed the girl couldn’t
get enough of him. He told us
the chick came over to his
place during the weekend and
as she entered the room, she
didn’t waste any time and
proceeded to grab his man
shaft and stick in her mouth.
Boys hailed Lasso; we called
him the gladiator and asked
him his secrets in scooping
these fine babes.
Now, instead of stopping at
that particular lie, he
proceeded to swear on his
grandfather’s grave that the
chick came a second time and
he rode this chick for forty
minutes non-stop. At that
instant, we spotted the new
girl in the neighborhood
approach Mama Emma’s shop.
We made signs to Lasso to stop
but he didn’t decode. He kept
lying and lying and lied the
more. All of a sudden, he
turned around to collect his
change and met the eyes of the
new girl in the neighborhood.
Omo, see gobe o! Lasso quickly
dropped the money and the
akara balls he was holding.
“Nne, I can explain. It is not
what you think”, he said. Boys
burst out laughing at the
bloody liar. Throughout that
week, nobody saw his sorry
ass. He stayed indoors so the
shame would subside.

We all lie every now and
then...it is inevitable. But
always make sure the lies are
very necessary ones! Capisce!

culled: www.feelgoodinconline.com/blogs/