sure we can begin

We may wish discuss the passage in some detail, analysing each sentence in turn or, in longer passages, significant sentences in respect of content and style.

Features to be commented on include its structure and the form of the verses, rhyme and metre, symbolism, contrast, personification, the use of simile and metaphor, and punctuation.

We may also wish to conclude whether the poet/poetess has been able to effectively utilise imagery. Also, how appropriate do you think the title is?

Slave sons
Need we speak of a motherland
Wringling rights out from our hands
Enriching the bellies of cunning bands
Turning us strangers in our own land.

We are regarded as black monkeys
Thereby importing AIDS into our country
Thus, the instigation of nightmares beyond our dreams
That made African cosmos to scream
Due to our innocent nescience
AIDS has become an indomitable pestilence
If you say “ I feel like sexing you”
You really mean, “I feel like killing you”
The urges come to satisfy your desire
You never know what would be acquired
You choose partners at random
Relying on the strength of condom
Indulging into few minutes of pleasure
Which may take away your life’s treasure
You may momentarily feel cool
Tampering with a destructive tool
That can eat into your bright future
Reducing it into mere broken pictures
Youths have to really understand
How to take unshakeable stand
To be firm in what they stand for
And be careful in what they fall for
We have to embark on a raid
That will sheath the swords of AIDS
Let’s learn to say NO
So that our future will glow
Knowing fully that total abstinence
Worth a million of sheer indulgence
Let’s learn to STAY SAFE
And not to PLAY SAFE
Let’s take a common stand together
So that our generation would perform better
Let’s guard our destiny
Because AIDS is a reality

Genial:

We may wish discuss the passage in some detail, analysing each sentence in turn or, in longer passages, significant sentences in respect of content and style.

Features to be commented on include its structure and the form of the verses, rhyme and metre, symbolism, contrast, personification, the use of simile and metaphor, and punctuation.

We may also wish to conclude whether the poet/poetess has been able to effectively utilise imagery. Also, how appropriate do you think the title is?

thats fine.

saintbeng,

post # 194 and 195 are they one poem?

Post 194 is just part of one of my poems.

Post 195 is another complete one. Now, I'm ready for critiques and analysis.

will get back to you on the longer one much later

saintbeng:

Slave sons
Need we speak of a motherland
Wringling rights out from our hands
Enriching the bellies of cunning bands
Turning us strangers in our own land.

this is straight to the point and simple, but also very good.

Have you forgotten one u read sometime ago. It's a short parable of the sower.

Need they know that a breeded seed
Seeds not but what they breed
And when desperately in need
Smiles back at them to feed.

OUR OWN HANDS

Oh!The chosen son
The great rising of the sun
People and their deeds
Recreating the joy of yesterday
And compromising the thoughts of today
Our forgotten past
The unforseen war of judgement
The decaying of our Government
running without any movement
In the land of the blessed

They were in the jungle
crying to survive tomorrow
The days of the broken mirrow
Taking them to the promised land
Evil men with , good looks
decieving the mindset

Our own world!
Our own joy
Fighting  back the manifestation of Serenity
Without much intergrity
All in our own motherland
bloods in our own hands
Oh!our own hands

That's nice.

I've got one too. It's dedicated to all close friends.

THE BEST

You're a true friend, that I want you to know,
Our love for each other has helped us to grow.
We've been through some tough times,
but we've made it through,
The only one I ever trusted was you.

You helped me through anger, You've chased away fears.
You held me through sadness, and kissed away tears.
You stayed by my side when the world turned away.
You helped me see joy when the skies were all gray.

You were the rainbow at the end of the storm.
You help me be different when I shouldn't conform.
You held my hand when you knew we would fall.
Every heartache, you saw me through it all.

I'm not sure I'm always the best friend to you,
I know I'm not perfect, but this much is true.
When life gets you down, And there's nowhere to turn,
I'll help you through and I'll share your concern.

I'll try my best to return every favor,
When you're sure that you'll drown,
then I'll be your lifesaver;
Even if we both go down.

Whether we sink or swim doesn't matter at all,
Just know that I'll be there whenever you call.
I'll pull you out when life pulls you under.
I'll be the sun when there's lightning and thunder.

And when it's all over, And we've fought every war,
There's one thing I promise, Of this I am sure,
When the time comes that we're put to our rest.
Be sure that you know that, My Friend,

You're The Best

Ezenwenyi:

OUR OWN HANDS

Oh!The chosen son
The great rising of the sun
People and their deeds
Recreating the joy of yesterday
And compromising the thoughts of today
Our forgotten past
The unforseen war of judgement
The decaying of our Government
running without any movement
In the land of the blessed

They were in the jungle
crying to survive tomorrow
The days of the broken mirrow
Taking them to the promised land
Evil men with , good looks
decieving the mindset

Our own world!
Our own joy
Fighting back the manifestation of Serenity
Without much intergrity
All in our own motherland
bloods in our own hands
Oh!our own hands

very nice.

Saintbeng,

your "BEST" poem is really good.


the other long one without a title (post #195), I'm still trying to decide what i feel about it.

saintbeng:

Have you forgotten one u read sometime ago. It's a short parable of the sower.

Need they know that a breeded seed
Seeds not but what they breed
And when desperately in need
Smiles back at them to feed.

Title: None
Imagery: non-descriptive

Comments: Fair. Not overly descriptive, not complex. Struggles to pass its meaning across, but it's ultimately a pretty clear what the writer is trying to say. No alliteration, simile or metaphor is employed.
It appears the poem is about a seed and how it's a repository of food - it is sown, grows and is eaten again. It is assumed that "they" in the poem refers to the planters of the seed. It could also refer to birds, pests, or indeed any other beneficiary of the seeds fruitfulness. The grammatical correctness of "breeded" is also questionable.

Rating (out of 5): 2.0

Slave sons
Need we speak of a motherland
Wringling rights out from our hands
Enriching the bellies of cunning bands
Turning us strangers in our own land.

Title: Slave sons. Promising title, but the poem seems to be the first verse of the whole.
Imagery: Moderately vivid. Right away, one can see what the author is talking about. It uses personification - "bellies of cunning bands", metonymy - "speak of a motherland, wringing  rights out from our hands". It uses conventional rhyming, no alliterations. Quite straightforward. Not much to think about there. Good work.

Rating: 3.0

A Sparkle of Love

   ‘Twas early, the presenter had just started his talk,
   I sat safely in the middle of the crowd, still dozing,
   However, my notebook was ready for action,
   Until, I noticed him who was right up in the front,
   From the very first row he smiled at me, how dear.

   Shortly later, when he opened his pretty mouth,
   A sound escaped his lips, jumbled but sweet,
   With this big, dark eyes he captured me,
   And I got the feeling he saw right to my soul,
   How I longed to hold him in my arms.

   And then, his eyes strayed to another girl,
   And he giggled at her, flirting obviously,
   Just as he had done a second before with me,
   And she beamed back at him, this cute guy,
   My boy, making smacking noises, wet kisses.

   Even the presenter was distracted by now,
   I could see him glancing in our direction,
   No, not in our direction but to him alone,
   The presenter too had fallen in love,
   Just like everybody else, women and men.

   But, all of the sudden, his mood changed,
   He started kicking and whining like a babe,
   Grandma got up, gently took him away,
   From his mummy’s soft and warm shoulder,
   Carried him out but his sweet scent remained.

Somegirl,
i don't know how i missed commenting on this. but i think its one of the best on this thread.
Good job.

This is for nilla
Something 'bout her like vanilla
Sweeet silent soul, speaks not much
She's either graceful or she is such.

Something flowing 'bout her name
Something soft spoken like beauty mane
He be blessed that know'th her worth
May he die that breaks her heart

Something 'bout her makes me twirll
She awwws like a little girl
I wish I could kiss that face
But she's nilla from cyber-space!

Title: None
Comments: Quite good. Consistent rhyming at the ends of the sentences. Good punctuation. The sentence "something soft spoken like beauty mane" begs to be understood, though. The use of the expression "He be blessed that know'th her worth" and "May he die that breaks her heart" is an elegant use of antithesis, though the rhyming is somewhat lost.

Rating: 3.5

Hmmm, I see we have another addition to the Princesses of Genial Association.

On behalf of Mukina2, dominobaby, esylnera, tenik, and myself, Nilla welcome to the association. There are plenty plenty goodies in joining and we'll definitely get it across to you in due time.

Genial, how you dey?

Bhola:

Hmmm, what I see we have another addition to the Princesses of Genial Association.

On behalf of Mukina2, dominobaby, esylnera, tenik, and myself, Nilla welcome to the association. There is a lot of goodies in joining and we'll definitely get it across to you in due time.

Genial, how you dey?

lol

Doesnt he just know how to make a gal feel so special?

He sure does and he has a good heart as well.

yup.

there was so much flattery going on. i couldn't judge the last competition.
Meanwhile Bhola welcome to the house. I'm oficially making you a judge.

or better still, bring out the poet in you and spring up some poems.

Bhola:

Genial, how you dey?

Hello Bhola. Long time no see.

I dey o, Genial.

Nilla, poet in me ke? Na lie, I no get any, but I recognize correct poem when I see am.

Ok, I go be judge. Wetin una rules?

so far its the guys competing agains the guys and the girls against the girls.

I normally have a winner for poems released around the same time _{thats when i'm still in control of my head}
you tell them what you like or dont like about it etc.

I love those who love poems.
And I love those who can really compose poems.

lol

Very funny people we have in Nigeria

Jimiyke:

Very funny people we have in Nigeria

how?

It seems guys are more poetic than babes.So far have not seen a ladies poem.But for the guys,I have notice that all ur poems are love,love,love.Plz lets try somethn else.like this poem about africa.check it out ya all.

DON’T CRY FOR ME AFRICA


Don’t cry for me Africa
Because I will never let you out of my mind
I hear your voices people of Africa
I hear your cries people of Africa
I see pain in your eyes people of Africa
It is hard to describe what you people of Africa are going through
Poverty strikes you all people of Africa
Don’t cry for me Africa
Because I will keep you in my prayers people of Africa
Power to the people of Africa
People of Africa lift your spirit higher
Lord is the light and truth people of Africa
The Lord sends you a message from his heart to you people of Africa
He said because I love you
I will answer your prayers
I hear your prayers
Don’t cry for me Africa
Because you have a friend that is the Lord
People of Africa continue doing the Lords work
Make a wish people of Africa
The people of Africa are looking at the Lord face to face
Lord here is no paradise
We dream a little dream said the people of Africa to the Lord
The People of Africa Pray that the Lord will give each other strength every day
Don’t cry for me Africa
Save the people of Africa
Strengthened the people of Africa each day
Because I’ll be there in your dreams people of Africa
The people of Africa tells The Lord how much they love him
Don’t cry for me Africa
Lord comes when you are ready people of Africa
Feelings you have for your Lord People of Africa
And I know you will never let it die
Nothing but flowers the people of Africa will plant in the sea shore for the Lord
Don’t cry for me Africa
The people of Africa needs hope to heal there land
The Lord rose up on you people of Africa
Don’t cry for me Africa
My heart will go on
Once I close this door of the ship I will sail across the Atlantic Sea

AFRICA COME BACK





Come Back, I've heard the surge of your drums
Come Back, my heart beats lasciviously

'Africa come back'

Come Back, I've raised my face out from the dust
Come Back, I've peeled off the pellicle of sorrow from my eyes
Come Back, I've snatched away my arms from the grip of pain
Come Back, I've wrenched apart the hasp of gloom

'Africa come back'

The shackle's clasps have made the mace too much to bear
So I've fashioned a mould by ripping the strap round my neck

'Africa come back'

The bear's death-eyes blaze in every lair
Enemy blood has reddened the negritude of night

'Africa come back'

The ground is pirouetting with me Africa
Rivers throbbing to the rhythm pouring out of the woods
I am Africa, your stature mirrors mine
I am you, my gait is the gait of your lions

'Africa come back'
Come stride like your lions
'Africa come back'




Am so proud of my colour.Nnilla,I would want to see ur poem.