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Oy - Family - Nairaland

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Oy by jummiedel(f): 2:27pm On Jun 15, 2015
My husband saw me reading his romantic chats with his ex and i confronted him and all he did was to insult me and stopped talking to me for close to a month now. The most painful part of the chat is where he told her that he regret not marrying her. It pained me because my husband actually begged for close to a year before marrying him. Pls what can i do because its becoming his habit and i dont want to beg him this time.
Re: Oy by Rosemary216(f): 2:34pm On Jun 15, 2015
ooooopsss.... dis are issues i dnt like involvin myself in. d truth z u wil get lots of advice bt u jst hv to take caution while applying dem! dis z a marital issue nt a quarrel wit ur bf!
Re: Oy by ArchEnemy(m): 3:07pm On Jun 15, 2015
A deaf husband and a blind wife are always a happy couple. - John Florio (1553-1625)

Addendum...I don't support extramarital affairs in any way
Re: Oy by ronald4lif(m): 3:51pm On Jun 15, 2015
Married men be cheating since time immemorial.

You caught him, and he insulted you in the process?. If there's anyone to apologise he should be the one coz he was the one caught flirting/cheating with someone else. You apologising to him means you've accepted to live with his cheating lifestyle. Perhaps, you might have been apologising every time he wronged you that's why his ego won't let him do it this time.
Re: Oy by thorpido(m): 5:53pm On Jun 15, 2015
You were not wrong with your actions.A married man should not be exchanging love/romantics messages with an ex.
I expect you as a couple to have someone you both can look up to to intercede in this matter......a pastor,a trusted elder or counsellor.
I wouldn't say you didn't know the kind of man you were getting married to but probably hoped to live with it.
In all you do,don't let him bully you.He is responsible to you as a husband.

2 Likes

Re: Oy by taryour(f): 5:55pm On Jun 15, 2015
jummiedel:
My husband saw me reading his romantic chats with his ex and i confronted him and all he did was to insult me and stopped talking to me for close to a month now. The most painful part of the chat is where he told her that he regret not marrying her. It pained me because my husband actually begged for close to a year before marrying him. Pls what can i do because its becoming his habit and i dont want to beg him this time.

He has to choose between YOU and his EX. An EX remains and EX and should not exist anymore in your marriage.

About him telling her he regrets not marrying her. I don't believe he really means it. I think he just wants to eat his cake and have it by making her feel good and having a nice time laying her. And she will be the greatest FoOl falling for such trash. Your husband also need to grow up please and stop playing games.
Re: Oy by nicerod(m): 6:35pm On Jun 15, 2015
I dnt av anythng 2 say dan God wll repair ur marriage
Re: Oy by jummiedel(f): 6:36pm On Jun 15, 2015
I wish i could report him to our area pastor but i dont him to loose the respect they have for him considering that hes an assistant pastor of a church.
thorpido:
You were not wrong with your actions.A married man should not be exchanging love/romantics messages with an ex.
I expect you as a couple to have someone you both can look up to to intercede in this matter......a pastor,a trusted elder or counsellor.
I wouldn't say you didn't know the kind of man you were getting married to but probably hoped to live with it.
In all you do,don't let him bully you.He is responsible to you as a husband.
thorpido:
You were not wrong with your actions.A married man should not be exchanging love/romantics messages with an ex.
I expect you as a couple to have someone you both can look up to to intercede in this matter......a pastor,a trusted elder or counsellor.
I wouldn't say you didn't know the kind of man you were getting married to but probably hoped to live with it.
In all you do,don't let him bully you.He is responsible to you as a husband.
thorpido:
You were not wrong with your actions.A married man should not be exchanging love/romantics messages with an ex.
I expect you as a couple to have someone you both can look up to to intercede in this matter......a pastor,a trusted elder or counsellor.
I wouldn't say you didn't know the kind of man you were getting married to but probably hoped to live with it.
In all you do,don't let him bully you.He is responsible to you as a husband.
thorpido:
You were not wrong with your actions.A married man should not be exchanging love/romantics messages with an ex.
I expect you as a couple to have someone you both can look up to to intercede in this matter......a pastor,a trusted elder or counsellor.
I wouldn't say you didn't know the kind of man you were getting married to but probably hoped to live with it.
In all you do,don't let him bully you.He is responsible to you as a husband.
Re: Oy by Nobody: 7:15pm On Jun 15, 2015
jummiedel:
My husband saw me reading his romantic chats with his ex and i confronted him and all he did was to insult me and stopped talking to me for close to a month now. The most painful part of the chat is where he told her that he regret not marrying her. It pained me because my husband actually begged for close to a year before marrying him. Pls what can i do because its becoming his habit and i dont want to beg him this time.

You have been begging before . Why sudden change of plans?
Re: Oy by edwife(f): 7:44pm On Jun 15, 2015
So rather than your husband apologising, all he could do is to stop talking to you for a month? undecided

I don't even know what to make of it.What a man!

2 Likes

Re: Oy by edwife(f): 7:49pm On Jun 15, 2015
jummiedel:
I wish i could report him to our area pastor but i dont him to loose the respect they have for him considering that hes an assistant pastor of a church.

Respect you said? Did he as an assistant pastor respect you as a wife? How can a grown man and an assistant pastor at that not talk to his wife for a month? And he was doing his duties in church... undecided SMH!

Talk about a wolf in sheep clothings.... sad

1 Like

Re: Oy by thorpido(m): 8:37pm On Jun 15, 2015
jummiedel:
I wish i could report him to our area pastor but i dont him to loose the respect they have for him considering that hes an assistant pastor of a church.
Don't protect him............else you will have to live with him this way.
As an assistant pastor,he does wrong,won't apologise and he won't talk to you for a month?Don't let him go on with this kind of behaviour.
Confront him again about the incident and let him know you won't tolerate it anymore.Let him know the church is going to hear about it should it continue.
Re: Oy by 5minsmadness: 8:54pm On Jun 15, 2015
You shouldn't have been looking through his phone. See the emotional stress you are in now.

He doesn't mean the "regret not marrying her" thing. It's an old line used to get into the ex's pants.

However it seems he is gearing up to have an extramarital affair.

So what do you do?
1. Pray. Yes. You need some divine favour in this matter.

2. Find time to confront him again and discuss this issue. He was flirting, let him know quite plainly that that was wrong. Ask him how he would feel if you started seeing old boyfriends. Tell him you are committed to making this marriage work but if he doesn't want he should let you know. That will shake him. No assistant pastor wants his marriage to break up, not really.

3. Keep teasing him about the ex. Ask if you can talk to her. Anytime he answers a call in secret ask him jokingly if it's his ex. An affair isn't as sweet if it's no longer a secret.

4. How often do you guys have sex? Men are deeply wired to respond to sex and if you have been depriving him by being always tired or saying stewpid things like "hurry up na" during sex or making him have to beg for it etc then you may have to review such behaviour. Give him the sex. Initiate it once in a while. Increase the frequency.


All these should help. About him not speaking to you for a month, he might be an obstinate fellow... Or its possible he is just ashamed and doesn't know how to apologise.

All the best.

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Re: Oy by jummiedel(f): 9:14pm On Jun 15, 2015
We do have sex alot and i know he always enjoy it. I've also talked to him several times about the havoc the communication with the ex could cause our marriage and it always end up with him keeping malice with me. I just decided not to beg him ds time cos i dont know long we wont be telling each other the truth. I just told him few days ago that the malice hes keeping with me is making me a stronger woman since i have no friend to talk to.
Re: Oy by 5minsmadness: 10:09pm On Jun 15, 2015
jummiedel:
We do have sex alot and i know he always enjoy it. I've also talked to him several times about the havoc the communication with the ex could cause our marriage and it always end up with him keeping malice with me. I just decided not to beg him ds time cos i dont know long we wont be telling each other the truth. I just told him few days ago that the malice hes keeping with me is making me a stronger woman since i have no friend to talk to.
What about you?
Do you enjoy sex with him?
A lot of women don't realise that we men are more sensitive than they think. If you show by your body language that you are "just managing" him, he will deifinetly find out. He may not say it, but he might feel he is not doing right by you and hence might begin to nurse grudges, feeling like his ex might have responded to him better. Crazy, I know but some guys are like that. If you dont enjoy sex with him you should pick a very casual day to jokingly tell him what you would like him to do to you during intercourse.

How old is your marriage?

If less than five years then he is probably in the withdrawal phase from his ex. In this phase the slightest difficulty in your marriage makes him compare his relationship with his ex and wish he was still with her. This is usually cured when the ex gets married or tells him off outright. Be patient, it will pass or at least reduce a lot after a while.

Him not talking to you for long periods is exeedingly immature of him. he was the one caught having an illicit chat afterall. Try and follow the steps I mentioned earlier, hopefully he will break his silence.
Re: Oy by jummiedel(f): 5:17am On Jun 16, 2015
5minsmadness:

What about you?
Do you enjoy sex with him?
A lot of women don't realise that we men are more sensitive than they think. If you show by your body language that you are "just managing" him, he will deifinetly find out. He may not say it, but he might feel he is not doing right by you and hence might begin to nurse grudges, feeling like his ex might have responded to him better. Crazy, I know but some guys are like that. If you dont enjoy sex with him you should pick a very casual day to jokingly tell him what you would like him to do to you during intercourse.

How old is your marriage?

If less than five years then he is probably in the withdrawal phase from his ex. In this phase the slightest difficulty in your marriage makes him compare his relationship with his ex and wish he was still with her. This is usually cured when the ex gets married or tells him off outright. Be patient, it will pass or at least reduce a lot after a while.

Him not talking to you for long periods is exeedingly immature of him. he was the one caught having an illicit chat afterall. Try and follow the steps I mentioned earlier, hopefully he will break his silence.
Re: Oy by jummiedel(f): 5:26am On Jun 16, 2015
Well i do enjoy sex with him and i show it. Our marriage is close to 2yrs with a 6months old baby. The baby is the only person keeping me in dat marriage cos i dont know for how long i will live with the immature and inhuman behaviour. Well, i intend to send him a text message about how much i hate him now so that he will know much words hurt and that everyone has a beast in them, we only control it.
Re: Oy by 5minsmadness: 6:06am On Jun 16, 2015
jummiedel:
Well i do enjoy sex with him and i show it. Our marriage is close to 2yrs with a 6months old baby. The baby is the only person keeping me in dat marriage cos i dont know for how long i will live with the immature and inhuman behaviour. Well, i intend to send him a text message about how much i hate him now so that he will know much words hurt and that everyone has a beast in them, we only control it.
Ah, a young marriage.
It's always like that,its like a rumpled bedsheet that needs to be straightened out.

Also this is your first baby so there's a lot of readjusting going on in the family dynamics right now i.e husband having to share attention with baby, having to assist you in some household chores (if you don't have a nanny), the stress on you with having to take care of baby, added financial expenses etc.
Both of you are stressed. He would have missed some of that TLC that comes with being a single young couple.

I wonder if both of you are working, and if your jobs are stressful?


You seem to be the mature partner at this point in time. I assure you that this emotional stress you are going through is quite common with new marriages, the doubts, the fears, the sleepless nights and the general worry if either of you took the right step in engaging in marriage to each other.

Be patient. It will pass. And you both will come out stronger for it.

I won't say you shouldn't send the hate text because I honestly think you need to let him know how you feel. He is the man of the house and ought to know the effect that his behaviour is having on the marriage.

I however think you should compose it in such a way that you don't say something you can never take back. Express your anger but choose your words carefully.
Re: Oy by 5minsmadness: 6:10am On Jun 16, 2015
He is an assistant pastor. Why not report his silent behavior to a higher authority? Pls note I am not saying you should mention anything about his flirty text message (That wouldn't be a good idea), however complain to the senior pastor how he refuses to talk issues out with you and how it hurts you on the inside. You can use another example (not the flirty texts) to buttress your point.
Re: Oy by SAMBARRY: 6:39am On Jun 16, 2015
Cheating week grin




pheneese has gone loose o grin
Re: Oy by jummiedel(f): 9:08am On Jun 16, 2015
You've really being of great help to me and i sncerely appreciate u. Im not working presently but im seriously applying for work cos of his attitues. I used to be an ambitious and intelligent girl but hes watering it down. I gave up everything just to be with him. He has a very good job but the downgrade hes giving me is just too much. My self esteem is getting too low despite the fact that im a university degree and have some other professional qualifications. He has assured me that he will get me a very good job after our marriage but thereafter, he asked me to open shop which i refused completely because his kind of person can close the shop on me anytime hes angry. and also, business is not my thing. I really wish i could contribute financially to the family too.
5minsmadness:

Ah, a young marriage.
It's always like that,its like a rumpled bedsheet that needs to be straightened out.

Also this is your first baby so there's a lot of readjusting going on in the family dynamics right now i.e husband having to share attention with baby, having to assist you in some household chores (if you don't have a nanny), the stress on you with having to take care of baby, added financial expenses etc.
Both of you are stressed. He would have missed some of that TLC that comes with being a single young couple.

I wonder if both of you are working, and if your jobs are stressful?


You seem to be the mature partner at this point in time. I assure you that this emotional stress you are going through is quite common with new marriages, the doubts, the fears, the sleepless nights and the general worry if either of you took the right step in engaging in marriage to each other.

Be patient. It will pass. And you both will come out stronger for it.

I won't say you shouldn't send the hate text because I honestly think you need to let him know how you feel. He is the man of the house and ought to know the effect that his behaviour is having on the marriage.

I however think you should compose it in such a way that you don't say something you can never take back. Express your anger but choose your words carefully.
Re: Oy by 5minsmadness: 9:59am On Jun 16, 2015
jummiedel:
You've really being of great help to me and i sncerely appreciate u. Im not working presently but im seriously applying for work cos of his attitues. I used to be an ambitious and intelligent girl but hes watering it down. I gave up everything just to be with him. He has a very good job but the downgrade hes giving me is just too much. My self esteem is getting too low despite the fact that im a university degree and have some other professional qualifications. He has assured me that he will get me a very good job after our marriage but thereafter, he asked me to open shop which i refused completely because his kind of person can close the shop on me anytime hes angry. and also, business is not my thing. I really wish i could contribute financially to the family too.

Thanks for the compliment.
Few things are more irritable in marriage than a jobless wife, especially in this day and age. You have to ask your husband for everything; lipstick, panties, recharge card etc. This can be quite annoying no matter how financially buoyant the man is. And yes, it makes it easier for him to look down on you.

Get the job. Start contributing to the relationship financially. Don't bother going into buisness if you are not the buisness type, businesses are hard to sustain even for seasoned entrepreneurs.

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