If you were in my shoes, what would you do?
I courted my husband for close to 8 years before we got married. I knew him just after I finished from secondary school. I would say I was taking by him the first time we met. Though I would say for the first couple of years of our relationship it was more of a friendship than intimate. Though we were madly in love with each other. In the 8th year of our relationship, I got pregnant out of wedlock and we decided it was time to tie the knots. At first I was sceptical of going ahead with the plans not because I didn’t love him but because I wanted him to be sure he was ready to take the relationship to the next level. I actually suggested aborting the pregnancy but he didn’t want to hear of it.
We got married and we were so happy together until I heard that my beloved husband has a child outside wedlock. To say I was shocked would be an understatement. I was devastated even before I summoned up courage to ask him.
Hmmm, I did ask him and I was expecting a negative response but to my uttermost surprise he confirmed it. He said it was just a matter of doing a fast one. I asked him so many questions, which were:
Why didn’t you use a condom? He said he did use.
When did it happen? He said it happened the year we got married
How old is this child in question? She happens to be a girl and she is just 6weeks younger than our first child.
Why did he do it? He doesn’t know
Now, husband has taken the girl from her mum, his reason: he doesn’t want to have anything to do with her mum.
He took the girl from her mum when she was about 3 years of age. The girl leaves with husband’s sister in naija and also with husband’s parents.

I have tried within my heart to forgive him and move on with life but I just cant seem to move on. I really don’t know how to move on. Husband behaves well to me, he is loving, caring, a good father to our children. He is the best husband I could wish for. I am dying within, anytime the girls name comes up during a discussion I just go sad and unhappy and my mood changes.

Husband is planning to bring the girl over to stay live with us. I am not in support of that and he thinks I just don’t like the girl. I have never met the daughter. But I ‘ve spoken to her on the phone several times. She calls me her mum! Lol! The girl is not well taken care of where she is but I don’t want her in my house as well. What do I do?
Do I take her as mine and care for her? And how do I forgive completely!? I have three kids of miy own with hubby

I will say that the did has been done
You will have to forgive your man if he is all you said he is.
Further more, you cant punish the lil girl for what she hasnt done, it is not her fault, so you need to find in your heart to love the girl, make her your own and i am sure y'all will be happier

Wow, this is deep, and I really feel for you alot. I sometimes ask myself what would happen if the unexpected happened and I found myself in this type of a situation. I can't say that I came up with a good solution as to how I would deal with the issue. Still working on that one.

There is no logical explanation for what your husband did, so there is probably no logical solution for handling the situation either. My advice is to work through each bit at a time, for example:

1)Your husband, asides from his indiscretion and the outcome, is quite a decent human being in that he cares about his children, yours and the other child, he loves and takes care of you, and doesn't appear to have any other negative traits attached to his character.

n/b- such people are hard to find. I find it unusual that he cares for all parties concerned, many men take care of / care about one or the other, or they neglect their wives, home life etc.

2)Yeah, he definetly should not have kept such a fundamental piece of information from you, as that is part of the hurt that you are feeling: it makes him seem devious and deceitful, almost a different person to the person you first knew. It is like he had a whole other side to his life that you were not part of, and it is probably part of the reason that you are finding it hard to move on.

n/b- Once the deed was done, (remembering that your husband is not into abortions), he probably felt suitably trapped when he heard about the other pregnancy. Telling you might have meant that you would have ended the relationship with him.

You were unsure about getting married for the sake of the pregnancy, maybe you were right and he actually wasnt ready for the marriage in the first place. I'm assuming that later on into the marrage, the more the two of you were enjoying your marriage, the less he wanted to rock the boat, (just imagine yourself trying to release such information to him, how would you have done it?)

3) It is unfortunate that the little girl is not being well catered for in her current environment, and it would be nice if she could live along side her father, her stepmother and her siblings. Your own children (and everyone else) will definetly commend you when they become old enough to realise the hard sacrifice that you made, and hopefully you will be proud of all of the children that you raise.

n/b- You will probably end up agreeing with your husband's decision (unless you are thinking of leaving with the kids which is what my mum did, ).

However,there should be some serious ground rules put in place and any issues that you can think of which might cause you irritation in the future, must be raised and confronted (speak now) before the little girl moves in, for example, your role in raising the child and what will be expected of you, the things that you will be willing to accept and those that you will not.

Like terms and conditions. Your husband must make you happy in every possible way and pacify you (you have really tried) unless he wishes to bring up the children alone.

None of this is your fault and I commend you for being so strong about this. And remember that you built a home for the family that you have raised, therefore, it is okay for you to compromise to calm a situation down, BUT, there is no rule that says that you must be miserable to make another happy. Decide as a woman which line of action is best for you and your children and go with it.

4) Your mind has made you hyper-sensitive to any mention of the little girl and her mother, I totally understand this, 100%. I cant imagine you feeling any other way. It probably feels like a thorn in your flesh each time you hear about them.

n/b- So that you dont loose your mind, try and desensitise yourself. Mention their names alot more. It will remove the fear and anger that you have attached to their issue. Also remember that the little girl is a sister to your children whether we like it or not, so it might be better for you to get used to it now. My mum still cant stand the thought of me getting in contact with my other siblings from my dad, and the situation is quite unbearable sometimes.

5)Your husband should not assume that he can make these kind of mistakes in the future and be forgiven so easily. So ensure that as a woman, you deal with that side of things. The mistake was too expensive and must be treated as such.

n/b- Ensure that your husband realises that what ever secrets he has, it shall surely come to light, so he should speak up if there is anything else, so that you can absorb/deal with it now, and he should make this his last, you are not a mugu and your kindness should not be mistaken for stupidity at all.

Take Care of you and don't be too stressed, life can be very mad like that, this is just a test for you to see how you handle and live with the situation.

Peace.

If that child is not being taken care of where she is then you guys should find somewhere else for her to stay until you and your husband resolves the issues you have. I know you are pissed but for the sake of the child abeg find it in your heart to help her out. You can slap your husband upside his head ( he deserves it) but that child has done no wrong. I believe that all you need is time and you will realize that that little girl wants to be in your life. I feel sad for you and the girl but please don't leave her in a bad situation.

[b]Your story is a very sad one and it will take a lot of grace to forgive but i believe it is possible. You courted a man for eight solid years and yet he had this kind of secret, the heart of humans is realy deep. I know you are hurt and you have every reason to be but please since you know your husband is a good person try and let go. As for the child, she needs care too so that she dosent become a destitute. Take care of the child if you have the heart to bear it, if not you both can arrange for an alternative way of taking care of her, she dosent have to sufffer for your husband's mistake. I just pray God gives us all the grace to be straight and stick to our spouses during courtship, all these supposedly one nite stands [/color][color=#990000]have wrecked so many lovely homes because people are so selfish and canot see beyond temporary enjoyment they want to get. I also pray that God will give you and your family grace and strength to stay to gether. Amen.[/b]

Thanks everyone for your contribution.

I know the best thing to do is to forgive, though i cant forget as the child is a constant reminder of what he did. I just find it hard to over look it. I know with time i will heal.

As per taking up the kid, i really dont know. I am still thinking about that! With my own three kids still quite young and being in full time employment, i really cant agree to that. Not for now. Child minding is quite expensive here!

You know, at times i just wish i could change the hands of the clock and may be clean this out of my life. sometimes, i feel like whiping my husband fgor what he did!!!

hi minniepoe, i wish my wife was in your shoes. she will be glad. The reason for this?. It is a long story. i promise to share it soon. take care.

wow. . . really difficult situation

I would say you should let the child come and live with you.

It would likely be hard for you emotionally, but it is in the best interest of the child. The situation is not the child's fault and thus she should not be made to pay for the sin's of her father. Every child deserves a home.

As per your husband, hopefully he has learnt his lesson, and there would be no other 'surprise delivery' in the future.If he has truly repented of his error, then the best thing is for you to forgive him and work for the best. No good would come of you holding it against him.

Wow!!!!!!!!!
I feel ur pain . . . .

I go with biina on this.

Tgirl4real:

I go with biina on this.

But what about the child's mother . . . . its not going to easy for her either way cus the child's mother will forever be involved in their lives

tope2000:

But what about the child's mother . . . . its not going to easy for her either way cus the child's mother will forever be involved in their lives

That fact was set in stone the moment her husband slept with another lady.

If the kid is living with them, the guy has no valid excuse to nurture a relationship with the other woman. After all, the kid, which is his interest, is right under his nose. Of course, the child should be free to relate with her biological mother.

You shouldn't be surprised.
He got you pregnant out of wedlock, so what surprise is there if he did the same to another woman.

Trust me. Forgiveness is a weight off of your chest.
On the other hand, forgiving does not mean forgetting.

I don't know what to say.
This is the worse deception any guy could ever do to any woman.
If the other pregnancy was after you married, it's not only infidelity it's disrespect.
If it was before your wedding, then I suggest you rethink about your marriage.
I mean, any woman that knows that she's getting married to any guy should know his secrets, esp the dark ones.
It's should be you decision to have a step daughter, it should be your decision to want to live with a stepdaugther that might probably bring in chaotic drama to your home.

I don't know what to say, but I feel your pain.


One question though, did you want to marry him? Or did you marry him because of the baby?

um why would he want evidence of his infidelity staying in your house?

Do these people think? She will be a daily reminder of it.

What's wrong with the girl's mother?

DeReloaded:

um why would he want evidence of his infidelity staying in your house?

Do these people think? She will be a daily reminder of it.

What's wrong with the girl's mother?

But she didn't say if it was before or after their wedding.

Oh hell!!

Is marriage no longer respected?

All this hooshy mamas and Baby daddys.

Such a disgrace.

Whow!You have very cute looking boys! Accept the girl, she can't be a threat to your marriage. Try and accept her as your own and never remind her that you're not her mum. That should give you peace, please don't do otherwise.

I know this is hard, but it almost happened to me, my husband got another woman pregnant when I was pregnant but he made her have an abortion. I was devastated but managed to forgive.
If it was me, I would be hurt, but if I truly loved him I would forgive him and I would let the child be with us as one of our family why?
Because, you say she is not treated well, she is a child and none of this was her doing, she is innocent.
Because she is part of your husband and she may not be biologically yours but in the future you could have a close bond with her like a mother/daughter an she will appreciate what you did. It is the mother that you would be angry at not her.
Because in accepting her you will gain so much respect from your husband and in time you will proud of what you have managed to overcome.
I do believe there will be a good end to this.

@ Frizy,

Thanks for your comment about my boys!!! They are wonderful and i thank God for putting them in my life.

@ Ebony Silk,

The other lady must have gotten pregnant same time as i did. I didnt marry my husband because i was pregnant for him, i married him because i love him. I said in my post that i wanted to abort the pregnany when it happened not because i didnt want to have a baby for him but i just wanted him to be sure he was ready to marry me. I didnt want the marriage to be based on the wrong foundation of oh! i married her because she was pregnant for me.
And when i suggested abortion, he was vehemently against it and said we should get married.
He has always been a loving and caring guy. I never knew any other girl with him.
And my kids adore their father so much, even the little girl we just had is also in awe of him! And he has not failed in his duties as a father nor husband.

As per the mother of the girl in question, i have never seen her before, neither have i seen the girl. But i have spoken to her on the phone. Hubby says he doesnt want to have any contact with her mother. And i agree with him on that. So his main reason for taking her away from her mum.

I dont know!!!
If i were advising a friend involved in this issue of mine, i would probably have said to her what everyone has told me here. But i just cant find it easy forgetting this issue. i just feel cheated and betrayed. i cant even trust hubby again 100%
@serachin 4u
why would your wife be happy to be in my shoes? Is there any woman on earth that loves to be betrayed and also want her husband to have kids outside their home?

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

This one pass me.

Your husband was unfaithful and he did not tell you about the other child; Perhaps because he did not want to lose you.

Na serious matter. I have no experience of this kind of thing and never met anyone in this situation. Make I think small. . .

@Poster.
Its a pity u're a victim of circumstance, . Howeve, u've got to accept ur faith (acept the girl daughter) and move on with yo marriage school .
Provided ur husband isnt turning down on u in anyway. Might be dat he was a fool while in d act back then .
Besides, femmy has told u what u needed to hear.
Goodluck.
Chiurs.

This is sad, but what's worst is that i doubt you're strong enuf not to maltreat that girl if she come to ur house. Pray over it, and i hope you do the rite thing. Goodluck!

@ poster,

It is a tough situation. Tell ur husband to give u some time to think about it.

ezinne1212:

This is sad, but what's worst is that[b] i doubt you're strong enuf not to maltreat that girl if she come to ur house[/b]. Pray over it, and i hope you do the rite thing. Goodluck!

and what gives you that impression?

@ Poster,

As hard as it's going to be, I think you should accept that child and take her in as your own! I pray that this does not happen to you, but my friend was a product of an affair , however, her mum did not know the man in question was married etc, so really it wasnt anyones fault but the man! Her mum died and the man had to obviously tell his wife about the child, but she refused to let the girl come and live with them, so she was staying with his parents, and because they didnt have much dough, the girl was not being well looked after! She grew up struggling, but has now made it big time and that woman's own children cannot find any man to marry them, they are completely useless and wotless!!! i rebuke this for your children) Her dad became bitter towards the wife, because although he had done wrong, his daughter did not deserve to go through what she did when his other children are living ok, especially as it was not her fault!

My point is, no child on this earth is conceived in God's eyes by accident!!! Take heart and accept her, the younger she is the better for you! she will grow up with you, appreciate you, and know you as her mother! Think about the future! I mean no matter what, he still has to see this child and you are not going to leave him!

My sister Accept her, please!

minniepoe:

@ Ebony Silk,

The other lady must have gotten pregnant same time as i did. I didnt marry my husband because i was pregnant for him, i married him because i love him. I said in my post that i wanted to abort the pregnany when it happened not because i didnt want to have a baby for him but i just wanted him to be sure he was ready to marry me. I didnt want the marriage to be based on the wrong foundation of oh! i married her because she was pregnant for me.
And when i suggested abortion, he was vehemently against it and said we should get married.

I feel your vexation and anger, if I'm allowed to call it that.
You know what I think, I think he married you because he felt guilty about the other lady. He got one pregnant, made one "mistake" and had to do the right thing the second time.
Please, I meant no offense by calling your situation a mistake. Of course, no mother would like to call her child a mistake.

One question, who got pregnant first?
Ask for the DOB of the child for reference

minniepoe:


As per the mother of the girl in question, i have never seen her before, neither have i seen the girl. But i have spoken to her on the phone. Hubby says he doesnt want to have any contact with her mother. And i agree with him on that. So his main reason for taking her away from her mum.

Ask for the mother of the child and talk to her.
Reason? She's giving her baby for you to care for, it's better if you know her for the child sake.

Why doesn't he want to have contact with her?
It's very selfish, he's thinking of himself and not his child.
What child does not want to know her real mother?

Don't invite the mother to stay with you or converse with your husband if you fear him cheating again (unfortunately, there are many other women like her out there so you can't really protect him that way), just let the mother communicate with her child.

minniepoe:

I dont know!!!
If i were advising a friend involved in this issue of mine, i would probably have said to her what everyone has told me here. But i just cant find it easy forgetting this issue. i just feel cheated and betrayed. i cant even trust hubby again 100%

Forget about the issue ke?
LOL, even if you wish, you can't forget it since the evidence WILL be living with you.
I told you to forgive him. If you're truly happy in your marriage and don't mind the responsibility of caring for a step daughter, then give the marriage a chance. Forgive him

One of my mottos: Forgive but Never Forget.

ezinne1212:

This is sad, but what's worst is that i doubt you're strong enuf not to maltreat that girl if she come to ur house. Pray over it, and i hope you do the rite thing. Goodluck!

My sentiment exactly.

You need to address and thoroughly explore and trash out the issue of your husband's betrayal with him, before your step-daughter comes over, otherwise you would unconsciously become one of those proverbial evil step-mothers and you will become a bitter and twisted woman



@ Ebony

Ebony-Silk:

One question, who got pregnant first?
Ask for the DOB of the child for reference

Se ko si sha This is your second time let that be your last time, oya gba bebe :

minniepoe:

How old is this child in question? She happens to be a girl and she is just 6weeks younger than our first child.

big_bumper:

@ Ebony

Se ko si sha

LOL, ko si. I dey kampe

Ebony-Silk:

LOL, ko si. I dey kampe

Wrong answer, come again Thank God for the modify button, I am gonna have so much fun with it And to think I was against the Admin bringing it back

big_bumper:


Wrong answer, come again Thank God for the modify button, I am gonna have so much fun with it And to think I was against the Admin bringing it back

Iyalode, lol, wrong answer ke?
Me, I dey kampe o. . . .
Am enjoying my spring break as it is. . . .

Yea, I kind think it's better to keep the modify button off.
Right thing my husband seun did so far