to be cntd,

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behaviour that made them squirm in their seats.

Finally, the banker said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go.

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.

He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurts out - "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

And Little Johnny said, "Well, every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells - 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there!?'!"

A man once spent days looking for his new hat.
Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday
and sit at the back. During the service he would
sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.

On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The
sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat
through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he
waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the
minister.

"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the
one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10
Commandments, I changed my mind."

The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I
started to preach 'Thou shall not steal,' that changed
your heart?"

The man responded, "No, it was the one on adultery.
When you started to preach on that, I remembered
where I left my hat."

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment.

They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."

Jesus and his disciples are sitting around a table discussing the current problem of drugs in todays society, when Jesus decides that the only way to get an understanding of the problem is to actually try the drugs for themselves. So Jesus sends his disciples out to the four corners of the earth to bring back a variety of narcotics for testing.

Several weeks later the first disciple arrives back. There's a knock on the door.

"Peter, you have returned and what have you brought for us."

"My Lord! from Morrocco I have brought some Hash."

"We'll done Peter."

Another knock on the door.

"Simon, what have you brought back from your travels?"

"My Lord! I have brought some Marijuana from the rain forests of Brazil."

Another knock on the door.

"John, what have you brought?"

"My Lord! I have brought cocaine from Columbia"

Another knock on the door.

"James! what have you brought?"

"My Lord! from the mountains of Nepal I've brouht heroin."

Another knock on the door.

"Mathew, what have you brought?"

"My Lord! from New York city I have brought some crack."

Then finally there's a knock on the door and Judas arrives. And Jesus asks?

Judas what have you brought?

"The FBI, this is a bust."

Little Tommy's parents had tried everything to help his math grade: tutors, flash cards, "Hooked on Math," special learning centers, everything. Finally, they enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

The very first day, he came home with a very serious look on his face, went straight to his room, and started studying. His mother was amazed. Books and paper were spread out everywhere and Little Tommy was hard at work. As soon as dinner was through, he marched right back up to his room without a word and studied some more. This went on for weeks until Little Tommy proudly brought home his report card and showed it to his parents:

An A in Math! "Tommy! This is great! I'm so proud of you! Son, what was it? What helped motivate you? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy shook his head.

"Well, then, was it the books? The discipline? The structure? The uniforms? What?" Little Tommy looked at her and said, "Well, Mom, it's like this.

When I saw that guy out in the lobby nailed to a plus sign, I knew they weren't screwing around!"

A man heard that the owner of the local bar was having an affair with his wife,he decided
to follow his wife one morning.
the wife entered the bar and went upstairs with the owner .the man decide to wait at the bar.
A man walks into a bar . He goes up to the bar and asks for a
beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 5 NAIRA."
"FIVE NAIRA!" exclaimed the guy; the barman replied, "Yes."

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"

"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money." How much money?" inquires the guy. "10 NAIRA
", he replies. "TEN NAIRA!" exclaims the guy.
"Where's the Guy who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."

The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.

Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"

The dying man said nothing so the priest repeated his order.

Still the dying man said nothing.

The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to offend anybody."

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you do God's work."

The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you protect the public."

The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you serve the justice system."

The next morning the barber found a dozen more lawyers waiting for a haircut

On the first day God created the cow,
God said, "you must go to field with the farmer all day long
and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support
the farmer, for that I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "that's kind of a tough life, you want me to live
for sixty years, let me have twenty years and I'll give back
the other forty" and God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog,
God said, "sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone
who comes in or walks past, I'll give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "that's too long to be barking,
give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed.

On the third day God created the monkey,
God said, entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh,
I'll give you a twenty year life span."
the monkey said, "how boring, monkey tricks for twenty years?
I don't think so, dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too."
And God agreed again.

Now on the fourth day, God created man,
God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, do nothing,
just enjoy, enjoy, I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "what, only twenty years? no way man, tell you what,
I'll take my twenty, the forty cow gave back,
the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back,
that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "you've got a deal!"

So this is why for,
the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing,
the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family,
the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren,
the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody,

life has now been explained.

A teacher decides that she is going to teach her second grade class a new word today. She tells them that the word is "definitely" and its meaning is "absolute, positive, without a doubt."
She asks the class if anyone can think of a sentence with the word in it. She calls on little Susan who is in the back raising her hand, quite sure of herself.
Susan stands up and says, "The sky is definitely blue."
The teacher replies to her, "Well, that's a good sentence but sometimes the sky is gray, and sometimes its cloudy, and sometimes its red and pink so the sky is not definitely blue. Anyone else?"
Tom's hand flies up and she calls on him.
Tom answers, "The water is definitely clear."
"Well, Tom that's a good sentence but sometimes the water is muddy, and sometimes it's green, and sometimes it's full of seaweed so it's not definitely clear. Anyone else?"
Finally, in the far corner, little Robert slowly raises his hand.
"Yes, Robert?" asks the teacher.
"Can I ask a question, teacher?" Robert replies.
"Yes."
"Do farts have lumps?"
"No. Why do you ask."
"Well, then I've definitely pooped in my pants

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a
room to meet with his former accountant.

The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks
you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.

The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you
embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot
understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!" The
attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3
million dollars is.

The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what
you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the
temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him
again where my damn money is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where
it is!"

The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in
a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

The Godfather says, "Well, what did he say?"

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says, go to hell,
, that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn’t return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" asked the interviewer.

The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars."

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

"Oh my gaaad, ", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex!!!!!"

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.

The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"

The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work."

The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud, They're hookers!"

A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?"

The mother replies, "Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names , and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning," replied the young man -- still focused on the plaque.

"What is this?" Alex asked.

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.

"Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Alex's voice was trembling , and barely audible , when he asked, "Which service? , the 8:30 , or the 11:00?"

A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating.

"My son, you shouldn't be doing that," said the priest. "You should be saving that for when you get married."

The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said, "Yes, Father."

About 10 years later, the priest was in his study when a young man in his early twenties came in.

"Yes, my son?" said the priest.

"Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave then."

"And what was that, my son?"

"Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving it for when I get married," said the young man.

"That sounds like something I probably would have said," said the priest. "Did you take my advice?"

"Yes I did, Father, but there's only one problem."

"What's that, my son?"

"Well, I have a 55-gallon drum of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck. Now that I am getting married, what am I supposed to do with it?"

Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular looking blonde, and a frightfully awful looking fat lady were in a train carriage. After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard.

When they leave the tunnel, Clinton has a big red slap mark on his cheek.

The blonde thought, 'that rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face.'

The fat lady thought, 'that dirty old Bill Clinton laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him.'

Bill Clinton thought, 'George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me.'

George Bush thought, 'I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again.'

A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.

He inquisitively ask the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"
She replied, "Im having a baby."

With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"
She said, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"
She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."

With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked,
"Then why did you eat him?"

The teacher was telling her 4th grade class about today's lesson.

"I'll say a letter of the alphabet and you give me a word that starts with that letter. Let's begin. A"

All the children raise their hands, but little Johnny was almost coming out of his seat trying to get picked. The teacher knew Johnny had a filthy mouth and thought to herself that if she picked Johnny, he would give her a word like 'ass' or 'asshole'. She picked Wendy, and Wendy said "apple".

"Very good", said the teacher, "now B".

Johnny was jumping out of his seat again, but the teacher picked Bobby. Bobby said "ball".

This went on and on with Johnny trying to get picked for each letter and the teacher knowing there was a dirty word for it. Then she got to "R". Nobody but Johnny had their hands up.

The teacher thought and thought and couldn't think of a bad word that started with "R". So she picked Johnny.

Johnny stands up and says: "R, Rat, a big, fat, fuckin' Rat!"

A little girl and her mother were in church when the girl started to feel ill.
"Mommy, can we leave now?" asked the girl.

"No." replied Mom.

"I think I'm gonna throw up."

"Well go out the front door, walk around the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."

A few moments later the girl returned to her seat.

"Did you throw up?" asked Mom.

"Yes."

"How could you have gone all the way around the church, throw up and be back here so soon?"

"I didn't even have to go outside. They have a box right by the front door that says 'for the sick'."

The ATIKUS and the OBASANJOS are flying on Air Force PLANE. OBA looks at ATIKU, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a 1000 NAIRA bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

ATIKU shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."

OBASANJO,S FIRST SON ADENIYI says, "Of course, then, I could throw one hundred-10 NAIRA bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy.
HIS DAUGHTER BOLA rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the fucking window and make the whole country happy!"

Three boys were walking home from school one day. All of a sudden, they saw a naked lady sunbathing so of course, they stopped to look. Then, right out of the blue, one of the kids takes off running.
The next day, they see the same lady, and again, the same kid takes off running.
On the third day they stop to see the lady, and she is still there. But this time, before the kid can run away, his two friends grab him by the arm, and they ask him: "What's the matter, don't you like looking at naked women?"
And the kid replies, "Yeah, but my mommy told me that if I look at a naked woman too long, I'll turn to stone; and I felt something getting hard."

The male teacher in a girls' school asked the science class: "Who can tell me what organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated? Mary, can you tell me?"

Mary blushed furiously as she stood up. Then replied, "Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I will complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal."

The male teacher was taken aback at first by Mary's reaction. Then, as understanding dawned on him, he called for another pupil, this time a volunteer.

Lilly put up her hand. "Yes, Lilly?" asked the teacher.

"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the eye."

"Very good. Thanks, Lilly," said the male teacher.

He then turned to the 1st girl, who threatened to complain to her parents and principal: "Well, Mary, I have 3 things to tell you:

First, you have NOT done your HOMEWORK.

Second, you have a DIRTY mind.

And thirdly, I fear, one day in future, you are going to be sadly disappointed!"

During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."

The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."

And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner. "

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic.

But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

Little Johnny's dad was a retired gambler. Having picked up a few of his old man's bad habits, Johnny wagered on anything and everything, and he was good at it. Eventually, it became such a problem, that Johnny's teacher called his father to discuss it. After a long conversation, they decided to teach him a lesson.

One day after class Johnny approached his teacher. "You're not really blonde," he said. "I've seen your bush and it's pitch black, you dye your hair."

"I most certainly do not," she replied.

"I bet you ten bucks you do," he said.

She saw that this was an opportunity to teach him a lesson, so she waited for all the other children to leave the class and took off her pants, showing him that her pubic hair was the same color as the hair on her head. Johnny paid her the ten dollars and walked sullenly out of the room.

A few hours later Johnny's teacher called his father. "I think I finally taught him a lesson," she said.

"The hell you have," his father said angrily. "This morning he bet me $50 he'd see your vagina before the end of the day."

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found postman dead on our porch this morning!"

fantastima stuff, mi dai pinis long olgeta joke blo  yu, em gutpela tasol( translation; i am dying laughing at all of your jokes you are truly great) ----peace------

Sam, I'm subscribing right away, this is way off the hook. LoL

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge 1000 NAIRA. If you got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A THOUSAND NAIRA."

He says, "All I got is 300 NAIARA". She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for 300?"

"A hand job", Harry reply.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for 300 NAIRA is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE DICK ,

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back to Harry, and asks, "Can you loan this guy 700 NAIRA ?"