We are wired to connect in relationships.

Intimate emotional and physical connection is the goal of every couple when they marry. For decades, relationship experts believed that marital connection required self-disclosure, sharing intimate, personal thoughts, being more open and removing the emotional barriers between spouses.

In 1990, researcher John Gottman began videotaping hundreds of couples in their day-to-day lives talking like they normally talked. He expected to see successful couples involved in countless small examples of self-disclosure and personal sharing. He was wrong.

Successful couples spent most of their time talking about ordinary things that seemed to make no difference to anyone, such as “breakfast cereals, mortgage rates or the baseball game.” They rarely talked about their deep, inner feelings.

Gottman realized emotional connection doesn't result from lowering emotional barriers. Instead, connection results when one spouse reaches out to the other and the other takes hold. Lowering emotional barriers helps, but couples won't connect until one reaches out across the gulf that separates them and the other accepts the outstretched hand.

Gottman calls reaching out a “bid for connection.” Successful couples make countless bids back and forth; each accepting the other's bid. Their bids often look remarkably inconsequential. It doesn't matter. What matters is that the bid is made and accepted.

For example, one spouse says: “Honey, here's a funny comic strip … .” If his or her spouse replies, “What's it say?” in an interested tone, the bid is accepted. If the spouse responds, “Don't bother me, I'm busy!” the bid is rejected.

Bids can sound like requests: “Can you help me for a minute?” “How's your sister doing?” or “Let's make love tonight.” Bids can involve almost any subject, ranging from small talk or humor to problem solving or talking about future goals. They can also come in different forms:

Verbal: “How was your day?”

Facial expressions: a smile or blowing a kiss.

Affectionate touching: hand-holding or a hug.

Playful touching: Dancing or friendly wrestling.

Gestures: Opening a door, or handing a needed utensil.

Vocalizing: Laughing, sighing or groaning “in a way that invites interaction or interest.”

Responses to bids come in three basic forms: Turning toward the bid, turning away from the bid, or turn against the bid. Your spouse asks: “How'd things go today?” Turning toward your spouse means replying: “It was hectic! The customers were crazy, but we made it through.”

Turning away: You ignore the question and ask, “Did we get any mail today?”

Turning against: “As if you really care!”

Ways of turning away from bids include non-responsiveness, dismissiveness or interruptions that move to an unrelated matter. Turning against your spouse's bid for connection can involve put-downs, insults, belligerent responses, criticism and character attacks or defensiveness. Turning away and turning against your spouse's bid results in fewer bids by your spouse and the inevitable destruction of your relationship.

Successful couples turn toward each other with a head nod, an “uh-huh,” an affirmative “OK” or “sure,” a validating statement of agreement or empathy. Accepting the bid for connection encourages even more connecting bids and makes the relationship stronger.

Every couple has a choice: They can turn toward each other's connection bid, or they can turn away or turn aggressive. Most connection bids involve matters that are insignificant by themselves and would take a matter of seconds to turn toward.

But that momentary decision to turn toward or away from a bid, made countless times over the years, will make or break your marriage. The next time your spouse makes a connecting bid, understand its importance and chose to turn toward your spouse and toward a healthy, successful marriage.

http://www.familyparliament.com/1458/do-you-turn-toward-your-spouse

Textbooks makes me feel awful

I don't know what you're talking about, but I did spot "wrestle" in your post...and there's a nairalander I wish to wrestle.

Yawns

familyparliament indeed