Hi All,
Please read my story and advice accordingly:

I met my wife through a close friend who happen to be her manager in 1998, she happened to be doing her internship there and my friend being a Christian recognized some good virtue in her and recommended her to me afterward i realize that both of us actually attend the same church,I got to know my wife 2months to rounding up her programme i.e her intership and 1month before leaving for school I spoke to her and we both agreed to start a relationship.I was working in the kaduna then while she was schooling at the University of Ibadan,due to the nature of my job, I didn't have much time to travel down to visit her in the school,

I will say she's decent and do pray a lot, she did not have many friends,though the 2 different occasions that i visited her I couldn't meet any of her friends,so there is no way for me to know any of her character or maybe her past life while in school,at a point when I propose marriage she said she had only been in a relationship once and due to infidelity on the part of the guy she broke up.we got married immediately she finished her service year i.e 2000 and a year after we left relocated to UK.

There is one trait I've seen so far in my wife and it is that she's too secretive,example includes either she's home or not i'm not allowed to open up her mails,i'm not allowed to receive her calls,she never jokes,she said she doesn't like jokes,the fact of the case is that i do not understand her,I've had to talk with her several times but refuse to see reason with me.

My idea of a marriage is that both side should be open to each other,i.e they should be best of friends,in my case some times I may want to confide in her some things she will tell me that she's not interested,on few occasions i've had to accuse her of infidelity not that i caught her but I actually sense it because of lack of intimacy i.e communication between us.she's very intelligent and smart(she's a Phd holder) and and am a research scientist though very busy still studying and with 2 kids in the marriage,I know what she can do,I've had to confront her with some evidences yesterday and since then she's been crying and i guess making up her mind to quit the marriage.

Now this are my points:There has not been any intimacy between us.and 3yrs ago i'discussed with her sisters and they spoke to her up till now she's not changed.

She's always nagging every little things she'll start making trouble.I've had to ask her what the problem is.financially we are ok,both of us have 3 properties in uk and 1 under construction in  Nigeria.so this is not money problem.

Another is the fact that i should not check her mails even if she's out of the country!

She does go out any time and i cannot query her or ask her where she's been.

I don't seem to understand.I do not intend to cheat on her or anything and i will never cheat on her.I only suppose a marriage should not and could not be like this. Pls note I've taken her to so many seminars on marriage and I've actually tried my best .I do not know what else to do.

Pls advice,
Thanks.

ray001:

Hi All,
Please read my story and advice accordingly:
I met my wife through a close friend who happen to be her manager in 1998,she happened to be doing her internship there and my friend being a christian recognized some good virtue in her and recommended her to me afterward i realize that both of us actually attend the same church,I got to know my wife 2months to rounding up her programme i.e her intership and 1month before leaving for school I spoke to her and we both agreed to start a relationship.I was working in the kaduna then while she was schooling at the University of Ibadan,due to the nature of my job, I didn't have much time to travel down to visit her in the school, I will say she's decent and do pray a lot, she did not have many friends,though the 2 different occasions that i visited her I couldn't meet any of her friends,so there is no way for me to know any of her character or maybe her past life while in school,at a point when I propose marriage she said she had only been in a relationship once and due to infidelity on the part of the guy she broke up.we got married immediately she finished her service year i.e 2000 and a year after we left relocated to UK.There is one trait I've seen so far in my wife and it is that she's too secretive,example includes either she's home or not i'm not allowed to open up her mails,i'm not allowed to receive her calls,she never jokes,she said she doesn't like jokes,the fact of the case is that i do not understand her,I've had to talk with her several times but refuse to see reason with me.
My idea of a marriage is that both side should be open to each other,i.e they should be best of friends,in my case some times I may want to confide in her some things she will tell me that she's not interested,on few occasions i've had to accuse her of infidelity not that i caught her but I actually sense it because of lack of intimacy i.e communication between us.she's very intelligent and smart(she's a Phd holder) and and am a research scientist though very busy still studying and with 2 kids in the marriage,I know what she can do,I've had to confront her with some evidences yesterday and since then she's been crying and i guess making up her mind to quit the marriage.
Now this are my points:There has not been any intimacy between us.and 3yrs ago i'discussed with her sisters and they spoke to her up till now she's not changed.
She's always nagging every little things she'll start making trouble.I've had to ask her what the problem is.financially we are ok,both of us have 3 properties in uk and 1 under construction in Nigeria.so this is not money problem.
Another is the fact that i should not check her mails even if she's out of the country!
She does go out any time and i cannot query her or ask her where she's been.
I don't seem to understand.I do not intend to cheat on her or anything and i will never
cheat on her.I only suppose a marriage should not and could not be like this.
Pls note I've taken her to so many seminars on marriage and I've actually tried my best .I do not know what else to do.
Pls advice,
Thanks.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm . . . . .I really dont know what to say
I cant say you shud try and talk to her cuz she doesnt seem to want to talk
I guess you should pray abt it

Thanks Tope,More advice Pls!.

Put your foot down and lead. You must be the leader @ home, and set clear rules. Marriage is not about pussy-footing about.

Put foot down on what??

This topic will do better in the family session

kpele o.i guess ur case is exactly one of d reasons why courtship before marriage is adviced.
from ur post i gather u and spouse did not effectively court and thus did not know much about each other.if not,how can u not know if she loves jokes or not.and also if she is secretive.i mean dis are stuff people tend 2 know b4 marriage or did u know and decide 2 accept it hoping she might change in future?
anyways,all dat is water under d bridge.as deed is already done.
does ur wife want 2 save ur marriage as much u or is she calling it quits?
if yes,then why not seek d help of marriage counsellors?also, u culd also spice ur relationship by being extremely romantic.(buy scented candles and lite ur bathroom,take romantic showers,surprise her with ur culinary skills 2 give her a treat once in a while.and even if ur bad at it,d effort will surprise and make her laff.
take her out 2 nice places.
buy her nice gifts.
tell her u love her like a million times a day.and u dont want 2 lose her.date she is d best thing dat has happened 2 u.
ask her 4 her fantasies.u know,like if u met a perfect man wat and how do u want him 2 be, look and act.
praise her in front of friends and family.make her feel like she is d number one person in ur life.
also,take an interest in her life.her academics(get familiar wit her work,research and make constructive inputs),housework,e.t.c.and offer 2 help her.it will greatly please her.spice up ur sex life.study her very well and know wat pleases her when u make love.she might not tell u cos i gather she is not d talking type.listen 2 her.find things dat interest her then joke in dat area.if she is against lewdness and u make lewd jokes,u jst mite be d only one laffing.
finally,wealth,possessions,achievements,while good,does not feel up a warm hug,kisses,appreciation,nice words and romance.
pray 4 ur marriage.take d bull by d horn and make it work.
good luck.

Well, i think your title is a bit extreme, with two kids under your belt there's not much more you can do but be patient. If you've discussed the issue with her a number of times, you have to have faith that if you're silent for awhile she'll realize that things aren't ok and you both can go from there.

all this born again and recommendations by fellow christian brothers, have rendered a lot of people useless

@ray001,

Your propriety now should be your kids, please make sure that what is going on now do not affect them, its obvious that your wife is not interested in the marriage anymore, there is no point hanging on if u have tried all u could and nothing seems to work. IF u are separating, please do it amicably so that both of u will have access to the kids.

I can understand how u feel about it, be strong and do the right thing for the kid and for your own peace of mind.

Good Luck

You have to pray well. dont allow your mariage to break. You stillhave to find a way of discussing issues with your wife and both of you keep gping for councssleing. Dont give up untill you see things beging to change for the better.

May be a little push may bring the desired change.

quite strange, but keep praying bro

This story is quite sad honestly becos it just shows that a lot of marriages are just not working and partners are not happy in their marriages.
@poster u would have to discuss with her in the understanding of how we women think and no harshness,give her space,cojole to a lot of things she does,even if she's wrong apologise and even give her gift,no woman in her right mind won't miss her man if he does all that,
I hope all works well for both of you at the end of the day, u can only keep trying and not give up,
It's just shows that you need to understand people properly and priortise things but really try and hold on,
Pele,it is well

What is the point staying in a marriage where there is no communication? You could try seeking help from anyone she respects.

Feelitx:

What is the point staying in a marriage where there is no communication? You could try seeking help from anyone she respects.

God bless u 2x on sundays

.amebo no1:

all this born again and recommendations by fellow christian brothers, have rendered a lot of people useless

Abi ohh. . .I wish some peeps would understand that a lady being a born again doesn't necessarily mean a green pass to the right/best character. . .dating and marriage are two different ball games!

Thats one of the troubles that come with short datings/Courtship

You dint know much about this girl before the whole ''be my wife'' thing, its not like she changed into this rather she's been like this only you dint notice/take it serious. . . .

The only problem/complication's that you both have kids . . .but seriously i cant imagine ''my wife'' saying i cant check her mails even when she's not in the country i mean common!!! whats there i aint know yet and you see i aint that patient kinda person so theres no way i would keep quite and let it slide.

My guy you done the best there is to do, i mean taking her to seminars and talking to her family members are like the highest, if she was gan change i bet she would.

Chances are ; she no longer loves you but still staying cos of the kids and wealth.  . .

My guy its really not a do or die affair you deserve as much joy as i get so sit her down and speak out no matter the way things turn out dont forget your kids. . . seek joy somewhere else (that is if you guys talk and you both understand theres no way forward) marriage aint a cage men.

guy, if a woman does not find ur jokes funny or does not find it funny anymore . . .in my humble opinion na time to abandon ship be that. that relationship dey go jam iceberg. truss me i dey talk from experience

Ray001
Ur case is quite a sad one and i really feel for u.

Try seeking help from people she respects highly. Do u have a mother-in-law? What is her relationship with ur wife? if very good and she is a good woman, seek her help too.

I wish u luck.

he min is not in it anymore.
its gonna be diff to make her show u th kinda love u want,
so u either let her be, or look for amiable ways to settle and move on.

kpele o.i guess ur case is exactly one of d reasons why courtship before marriage is adviced.
from ur post i gather u and spouse did not effectively court and thus did not know much about each other.if not,how can u not know if she loves jokes or not.and also if she is secretive.i mean dis are stuff people tend 2 know b4 marriage or did u know and decide 2 accept it hoping she might change in future?
anyways,all dat is water under d bridge.as deed is already done.
does ur wife want 2 save ur marriage as much u or is she calling it quits?
if yes,then why not seek d help of marriage counsellors?also, u culd also spice ur relationship by being extremely romantic.(buy scented candles and lite ur bathroom,take romantic showers,surprise her with ur culinary skills 2 give her a treat once in a while.and even if ur bad at it,d effort will surprise and make her laff.
take her out 2 nice places.
buy her nice gifts.
tell her u love her like a million times a day.and u dont want 2 lose her.date she is d best thing dat has happened 2 u.
ask her 4 her fantasies.u know,like if u met a perfect man wat and how do u want him 2 be, look and act.
praise her in front of friends and family.make her feel like she is d number one person in ur life.
also,take an interest in her life.her academics(get familiar wit her work,research and make constructive inputs),housework,e.t.c.and offer 2 help her.it will greatly please her.spice up ur sex life.study her very well and know wat pleases her when u make love.she might not tell u cos i gather she is not d talking type.listen 2 her.find things dat interest her then joke in dat area.if she is against lewdness and u make lewd jokes,u jst mite be d only one laffing.
finally,wealth,possessions,achievements,while good,does not feel up a warm hug,kisses,appreciation,nice words and romance.
pray 4 ur marriage.take d bull by d horn and make it work.
good luck.
@earthy,
i presume you didn't read this post very well.he has tried and it didn't work out.

@poster,
It is only God that can help in this situation.Just pray hard and ask God to help in solving this problem.But sincerely,that woman has something she's hiding and for a relationship to last you need openness and honesty,she there has to be an atomsphere of love and she isn't ready for that,just pary that is my best advice and God will answer you.

This Christian people sef, but seriously why would you want to read her mails, cos she is married to you dosent mean she have to give up all sense of privacy. Why dont you sit your arse down and talk to her about your worries, why must you talk to her sisters etc about her since she seems to be a private and secretive person.

Bro, seriously i think you are the one with issues here, maybe u need to chill abit and get ur shiit together, do u know what kind of bullcrap she is going thru in the UK, from ur post, u seem to think money is everything, 3 properties my arse, or do u think money is all!!!, from your post, you sound like one of those freak people who think life starts and ends when they say so, what really gets me is u even have the balls to accuse her of cheating, believe if thats me i will tell you where to go.

Maybe what you need to do is buy or get a copy of my book, " The act of skilful communication and its not what you say but how you say it" edition 1,2,3 and 4,, if you can afford 3 houses u should be ble to afford those

After two kids you still did not know your wife. i think this is strange.

I really do not know what ur wife's problem is, u both agreed 2 marry each other nobody forced her into the marriage. Didnt hear her own side of the story but if wat u said is true then ,

check out ur spiritual life together,check out ur social lives,check out ur sex live,then read her mails ,its must first allow her read urs,tell her about ppl u met and how their homes are blossoming ,give her surprised gifts,then pray until sumthing happens,i pray u dont try to change her until u av chnged urself.stay blessed

@ poster

I really feel your pain, don't really understands why some women would prefer
cheats, wfie beaters and so on to gentle, caring and loving husbands .

i bet you that there are some good wifes out there who would just want their husbands
to be just like you but the reverse is the case.

May be you relied on the fact that she prays alot and what have you without putting other things into consideration.

the only thing you got to do is to put every thing in prayer and ask God to soften her heart cos divorce will never be the answer

PinkyLady, u sef na wa, have u listen to the wifes story. listen to her story and u will see the guy is not writing the whole story ,

Boy, this is neither friendship, partnership nor a marriage.

It seems like an 'acquaintance kind of relationship'.  However, no matter how bad it may look, something good came out of it - the children.

Assuming you are my brother, I would have advised you to count your loses and move on.  Why remain in an unhappy marriage when you could do better with someone else.  There are many women out there looking for a decent guy.  I am not here saying you are a decent guy as there are two sides to every story but we can only hear your side.

We don't expect to hear from your wife on here as that would not happen at least, it would thrown a light into what actually happened at home. Married women do not actually behave like this - something must have triggared it.  Already, you are both living separate lives so, what's left in this marriage now.   In addition, there are suspections both sides and probably some core evidence that would ruffle the whole thing.  A woman, portraying this this kind of behaviour, is a way to tell you to move on.  But you seemed not to get the message or should I say, you are frightened of the 'COST' right now.  Well either way, whether you like it or nor it will cost you money.    If you don't divorce her, she will divorce you.  If you are still living in Nigeria, I know you would have pressed the Nigerian man's button - 'send the useless woman packing to her fathers without a dime'.  But hey!  This is England, buddy.  Justice must be done, right.   It's only fair the MIDDLETONS are done when a marriage break up  . On top of your own middleton, your babies would be FED too because you fathered them obviously, your solicitors might have told you this, didn't they   On one hand, you can not say you won't give her a divorce if she wants one because you would - the Courts would do it for you and you know what I mean.  On the other hand, should you want to make it difficult for your wife to give you a divorce, you may choose to re-locate to a place where no one knows you or your address thus, delay her life from moving on as she can not get a divorce unless she serve you divorce petition in person.  However, she can not do so when she does not know where you are .  But, this can be a temporary solution as you can not hide for ever therefore, its better you divorce and move on to newer and greater things, with someone more compatible than hoping to create everlasting happiness that never was.

To be honest, this whole thing was a shample in the first place.  Settling down with someone you know is difficult, let alone a wife 'recommended  to you, it's not a smart move and it's not, something I'd support as it's always a good idea, to catch your own meat.  
So, count your losses/blessings and move on.  Good luck!!!

Builder:

PinkyLady, u sef na wa, have u listen to the wifes story. listen to her story and u will see the guy is not writing the whole story ,

ok agreed he might not be saying whole story, there is no justification for a wife to ask her not check her mails even when she's outta the country, he wants to revive the marriage that's why he takes her to seminars but no improvement.

and more over i didn't ask him to divorce her

I would advice you try professional counseling, from your description of the situation,your wife has built a wall around her to protect her from something and only her would know what it is.

Or she went through a past experience that has made her the way she is, I believe she loves you as she has 2 children with you. There are unforseen issues that need to be dealt with.

Look for her comfort zone and when she gets there, ask her without any accusation in your voice what the problem is, let her see that you are desperate to make the marriage work.

Continue praying and be patient.

ThoniaSlim:

Abi ohh. . .I wish some peeps would understand that a lady being a born again doesn't necessarily mean a green pass to the right/best character. . .dating and marriage are two different ball games!

.amebo no1:

all this born again and recommendations by fellow christian brothers, have rendered a lot of people useless

this is why i call most of the God users .  from my observation the more religious the nigerian person is the more you need thread carefully. sadly england doesnt help support nigerian marriages.
not even deeper life people have safe marriages in this part of the world.  religion is supposed to help people i dont know how we manage to use religion to commit and deceive people into business and relationships.

i dont have my crystal balls out today but this looks heading the 1 way street.  

oga, if you can get her into relate counselling if that fails pray and seek counselling for yourself then wait for whatever happens.  i dont know why people who are not prepared to marry go into it and bring kids into it too.

Theblessed:

Boy, this is neither friendship, partnership nor a marriage.

It seems like an 'acquaintance kind of relationship'.  However, no matter how bad it may look, something good came out of it - the children.

Assuming you are my brother, I would have advised you to count your loses and move on.  Why remain in an unhappy marriage when you could do better with someone else.  There are many women out there looking for a decent guy.  I am not here saying you are a decent guy as there are two sides to every story but we can only hear your side.

We don't expect to hear from your wife on here as that would not happen at least, it would thrown a light into what actually happened at home. Married women do not actually behave like this - something must have triggared it.  Already, you are both living separate lives so, what's left in this marriage now.   In addition, there are suspections both sides and probably some core evidence that would ruffle the whole thing.  A woman, portraying this this kind of behaviour, is a way to tell you to move on.  But you seemed not to get the message or should I say, you are frightened of the 'COST' right now.  Well either way, whether you like it or nor it will cost you money.    [size=14pt]If you don't divorce her, she will divorce you.  If you are still living in Nigeria, I know you would have pressed the Nigerian man's button - 'send the useless woman packing to her fathers without a dime'.  But hey!  This is England, buddy.  Justice must be done, right[/size].   It's only fair the MIDDLETONS are done when a marriage break up  . On top of your own middleton, your babies would be FED too because you fathered them obviously, your solicitors might have told you this, didn't they   On one hand, you can not say you won't give her a divorce if she wants one because you would - the Courts would do it for you and you know what I mean.  On the other hand, should you want to make it difficult for your wife to give you a divorce, you may choose to re-locate to a place where no one knows you or your address thus, delay her life from moving on as she can not get a divorce unless she serve you divorce petition in person.  However, she can not do so when she does not know where you are .  But, this can be a temporary solution as you can not hide for ever therefore, its better you divorce and move on to newer and greater things, with someone more compatible than hoping to create everlasting happiness that never was.

To be honest, this whole thing was a shample in the first place.  Settling down with someone you know is difficult, let alone a wife 'recommended  to you, it's not a smart move and it's not, something I'd support as it's always a good idea, to catch your own meat.  
So, count your losses/blessings and move on.  Good luck!!!

your post is one reason most people use the phrase marry a nigerian woman at your peril. i dont know what to say other than tell this guy to take heart and learn his lessons. as said dont think it would be easy. go get yourself a smart lawyer preferably a female because they are best at squeezing a better deal for you. also get advice on reducing your equity and exposure on the properties too.

hope you learn your lesson and dont let the scarf wearing brigade deceive you into another relationship so soon. if you can avoid nigerian and ghanaian women like plagues especially if you are in this part of the world. they are more prone to this kind of absurd behaviour.

while you do that dont fool yourself into not opening every letter you come across. what you know should not be capable of harming you.

I think your wife needs to get counselling on her own. Not with you. There is something there that makes her not want to be close or intimate with people. If you guys can afford it then I think she should see a therapist on her own and then you guys can do it together. From you description of the issues she is not a bad person just that she is not approachable and that can kill any relationship. People are not born like that. Something ought to have happened that makes her not trust people. Is she a middle child?