Before I start, I want to please plead with you guys. This is real and deep emotions are involved. I will appreciate if we can leave the jokes, insults and games out of this. Thanks. And sorry it’s too long!

Okay here’s my story! I met him on Val’s day. It was love at first sight. I never really believed in that until I met him. I was in a relationship as at then, but one look at him, I knew my r/ship was over. Before we actually met, we had a mutual friend that has been trying to hook us up. They’ve always told me about him and him about me. Of course I wasn’t interested cos I was in a serious relationship. But my friends thought me and him were soul mates and believed we should be together. Well, they were right!! From the first day we met, we fell in love. It was the realest thing I’ve ever felt, and I was convinced beyond any doubt.

Within 2 months of our meeting, he introduced me to his parents and his whole family. He found a more permanent apartment and it was obvious we were heading for the altar. He never really proposed to me, but what’s a girl supposed to think when a guy takes her home, introduces her to his friends as his wife to be, lets her chose the type of house she wants to live in and rents it, makes future plans and serious commitments with her. Yea, he didn’t propose, but he didn’t have to.

The issue of Genotype first came up during the first week of my r/ship with him. I am AS and I’m always conscious of that. He said he did a genotype test twice; the first was AS, and the second was AA, so he was confused. I insisted he takes another test but he refused. Said he dint want to open Pandora’s Box!! That he believes ignorance is bliss. I tried to pressurize him but he wouldn’t budge. So I let him be.

Then he started talking about how he doesn’t want kids. How he was more interested in being rich and famous than being a father. He believes he’s not cut out for fatherhood and won’t want to punish anybody. Of course I told him I couldn’t cope with that. I love kids and someday, I want to have some of my own. That was the beginning of our problems!!

All of a sudden he said he dint want to settle down anymore, that he wanted to travel out of the Country. He stopped coming home early, stopped taking me out and started hanging out alone. Well, I didn’t know how serious he was about not having kids so initially I didn’t know what the problem was. I thought he was cheating, but after several traps and spying, I realized he wasn’t.

Then I got pregnant. I told him and he was mad!! Infact, mad is an understatement. He couldn’t even look at me for days. Then he woke up one morning and said he wanted us to go for a Genotype test. We went for the test and found out we were both AS!!

Then he proposed to me. On the condition that we won’t have any children. And of course I have to do a DNC.

Now, I’m devastated. In all my years of youth and wild life, I’ve never let myself get pregnant. I only did it cos I tot we were already headed for the altar. Now the man I love hates children. I love him very much and before the child saga, he was the perfect guy. Now I’m torn between my love for him and my love for children.

So guys, let’s have it. What should I do?

its a diff one,
and almost impossible to advice one in the issue of lov against child bearing.

onething that you should ask is 5-10yrs would you regret not keeping this child!
i just think he is being selfish and he has something to hide that he hasn't told u concerning children.

i wud ask u not to accept the condition of marriage/abortion,
he knows ur weak point and has been and will continue to use it against u.

the guy must be mad,

@poster,
Never seen anything like it but i think there is something undertone on his part.All you need is prayers

He is not the one ment for you.

He is just someone that has shown you what being in love feels likes.  But the one for you will fall into your life and compliment  you as you will compliment him not someone that will make you resentful and hurt.

Dont ever ever ever give away your children for your man.  If you want children then children you should have.

If you agree to this and promise to never have a child you will regret this decision and you revisit this with him and he will throw in your face that you were given a choice before you married me.  Or you will keep it inside and your love will turn to hate.

Walk away now just knowing that he is not the one that God sent for you.  He is just the one that God sent to show you what that one will look like.
Take the positives from the r/s and move on.  Take the neg. and learn from them.


You should have a list of negotiable and non negotiable and you should never compromise on your list of deal breakers.  If having children is a deal breaker then make that known from the start and if they dont want children then keep it moving.

never force a square peg in a round hole

@ poster

oh girl, i know how you feel, being in love with someone who may not stay, it hurts real bad, love is a beautiful thing.

Sistawoman, you are absolutely right, i adore children, please dont ever hurt your child for him. I also beleive everything is possible with God. Pray if you beilev and God will touch his heart. Its no use fighting a man, i have learnt that over time. Dont judge him too hard because he has a right to his own choices. Pray about it because the heart of man is in the hand of Jehovah and like a brook of waters he turneth it to wherever he wishes.

if however at the end he refuses, let him go please, Children are the heritage of the Lord and they are like arrows in your hand. Dont hurt that angel growing inside of you, girl i cant wait to have my own kids because they are so angelic.

Remember you were once a kid!

never knew there are nigerians who dont want kids!

Here's the lesson: Never try trapping a guy with a pregnancy - it wont happen.

_{Is he a sagittaurius by any chance}

@ Poster, please where are your parents, members of your family? Did you decide to forge ahead with this relationship because he introduced you to his?

Thanks y’all for your advice. I appreciate your thoughtfulness.

On the issue of abortion, Can I really have this child when h/she might turn out to be a Sickler? Is it fair on the Child?

@ SisterWoman, I do love kids, but it doesn’t mean it’s non-negotiable. If he was impotent, I would have married him without thinking twice about it. It’s just that he can have kids but doesn’t want to.  That sounds selfish to me.

@ Whitelexi, I don’t know what you mean. I dint try to ‘trap’ him. We never have sex without CD and on a good day, I don’t even attempt sex even with CD when I’m not safe. I just did it cos he was practically my husband and we used protection and I never thought I’d get pregnant!!  And if I thought for a moment that he was hesitant about being married to me, or that he was still thinking about it, I wouldn’t even have tried it. 

@ Ezinne: My family members have met him too. My mum and my siblings and they all think he’s perfect for me. Infact, my Sister was the one who insisted I know his Genotype before agreeing to marry him.

Somehow I have this feeling he has something to hide. I mean who doesn’t want to have kids!! I would have thought he was impotent, but then how did I get pregnant? He swears he just doesn’t like the idea of having kids and I don’t know what to believe anymore.  He’s not the lying and secretive type and during the course of our r/ship, I’ve learnt to trust him.

Then if never having kids for you is not a deal breaker then marry him.

But if you know that you want kids and you will not be happy unless you are a mom dont settle for less.
dont give up your hopes and desires and needs for a man.

If you have to give up something that is truly very important to you then you are trying to force a r/s that will never work.

Only you can make that choice

And only you can know what is really in your heart.

Only you can know that you want to be a mom one day. Dont marry him hoping he will change and dont try to force his hand by forcing a child on him. That will only make things worse and make you a single mom with a child that might have SC.

But why dosent he want to have kids. If he's willing to compromise cos the both of you are AS, thats understandable and you could call that true love. But he just doesnt want to be a Father?? That dosent sound right.

I think you should find out what his true reasons are . . .

toff one

sistawoman:

Then if never having kids for you is not a deal breaker then marry him.

But if you know that you want kids and you will not be happy unless you are a mom dont settle for less.
dont give up your hopes and desires and needs for a man.

If you have to give up something that is truly very important to you then you are trying to force a r/s that will never work.

Only you can make that choice

And only you can know what is really in your heart.

Only you can know that you want to be a mom one day. Dont marry him hoping he will change and dont try to force his hand by forcing a child on him. That will only make things worse and make you a single mom with a child that might have SC.

Thanks a lot! I’ve thought about it, and I don’t think I should be made to choose b/w him and my kids.

But what about the baby I’m carrying now? I’ve always being firmly against abortion. It would have being easier if he just dint want to settle down. I’ll happily have my baby alone and raise h/her with or without him. But what if the baby turns out to be SS? Will it be the right decision to keep it?

MaLife:

Thanks a lot! I’ve thought about it, and I don’t think I should be made to choose b/w him and my kids.

But what about the baby I’m carrying now? I’ve always being firmly against abortion. It would have being easier if he just dint want to settle down. I’ll happily have my baby alone and raise h/her with or without him. But what if the baby turns out to be SS? Will it be the right decision to keep it?

That I can not answer. the health system here in the States is different and I know of two single moms that have a child with SS and they get along fine.

We have job protection here in the states for when your child is sick like that and they cant fire you for missing days as it relates to that illness.

Addtionally they have a health care plan just for children and you can get the best doctors to care for your child when they are sick and it is free for the children.

But maybe someone who has a child with SS and lives in Nigeria can best answer your questions regarding that.

MaLife:

I was in a relationship as at then, but one look at him, I knew my r/ship was over. Before we actually met, we had a mutual friend that has been trying to hook us up. They’ve always told me about him and him about me. Of course I wasn’t interested cos I was in a serious relationship. But my friends thought me and him were soul mates and believed we should be together. Well, they were right!! From the first day we met, we fell in love. It was the realest thing I’ve ever felt, and I was convinced beyond any doubt.

I don't mean to be harsh on you but if we look at it critically u'll know u caused it all for yourself. Remember the saying all that glitter isn't gold? ok, how cud u allow ur friends to force u to believe this guy is your prince chamring? This shud be a lesson to all u ladies with oju kokoro. pls be contented with what u have! I guess the law of karma has caught up with u now. All you have to do now is pray, go ask ur ex for forgiveness and move on. Good luck!

there are two choice and two options for u to chose from,first, marry him and adopts a couple of kids if u cant live without him,secondary the foetus in ur womb is fucking too dangerous for u to keep cause of ur genotype,it may come out to be ss, so think deep and its left for u alone to make that decision,

Well, discuss it with your mum, because if he doesn't come out of his shell, you'll need a support system and thats family.

SS kids can live relatively normal lives, so unless you're a psychic, i wouldn't worry to much. Since you're uncomfortable with abortions, then don't do something you'll regret for the rest of your life.

As for your guy, stick with your gut feeling and let him know where you stand. If he's a decent person, he'll come out and be upfront with you. If he's not, then your delusions will come to light and you'll learn, like most women do, that fairytales belong in movies and novels only.

Goodluck!

Are they Nigerian men who never want to have a child or children?
this is strange maybe he is a cultist or something
well even if he never wanted to have a child lets give it to him, why would you want to live the rest of your life that way
when you know u'd never be happy?

@ Frijos, I guess you are right. I brought it on myself. But I wasn’t even happy with my ex, so sooner or later, I would have left him. He’ll gladly take me back now, but I can’t go back knowing I can never love him.

@ Sisterwoman. I don’t think it’s that easy to live here in Nigeria with a Sickle Cell. It’s worked out for some people, but it isn’t easy. I guess I deserve any hardship I get right?

@ Ezinne, I think I already know about fairy tales and movies. It hasn’t really been easy for me. He’s not perfect but he complements me in every way that counts. We’ve had misunderstandings and spats in the r/ship and if anything, I’ve learnt not to expect too much from a guy. I talked to my mum about it. She dosent think I should marry him since he's AS and she thinks him not wanting kids is very inappriopriate. I havent told her about the baby though. I'm still scared!!

@ Treetop

Dont be too angry with him. I guess he dint really understand the situation, so he just jumped to conclusion. Its okay, I dont mind

Don't be scared, it's time to face up and take charge. I hate to break it to you, but if you're in this mess now, 'he didn't compliment you in every way that counts'. There's no need to romanticize it, that's you being delusional. This is not the time to feel sorry for yourself, or make excuses for choices made, it's time to face reality. Girl, i know, cause i found myself in a similar situation and i had to decide what was best and my mum and sisters where there for me. They won't tell you what to do, but knowing that you are not alone will ease a lot of the pressure.  Telling my mum wasn't easy, but i did it and i don't regret it.  So please, don't hide in a shell, cause she will see things in a different light, don't underestimate the power of a mothers love, ever.