I'm very often accused of being selfish in my relationships. How do i reduce this emphasis on self?

lol what are the instances they give or what do u think you really do?

How can selfishness be curbed?

Think about others first!

Yeah right. Think about others affairs first before urs & u didn't state clearly why & how they think dat u're like that.

If u want to do anything that will benefit you, first think if it will hurt others in so doing.

i.e. Don't do the right things for urself at the detriment of others!

Admitting you have been selfish is already accomplishing a lot. Get into the habit of asking yourself BEFORE you enter another relationship, is it selfish or not? Continue to evaluate your own actions as well as considering others
evaluations of you. You don't want to be selfish, but you wouldn't want to be a doormat either.

Ok example,my girlfriend has visited me severally each time i'm transferred,she's also employed.We are 12hrs apart.Over de weekend,I went within 6hrs of where she's based but I didn't go,citing distance,tiredness bla bla bla. She wasn't happy about it,told me she's also tired each time she has to come see me but she still does so why couldn't i just drive down, cos I was thinkin of me,my comfort,my tiredness etc. And this is true,I could have endured it 4 her sake.

Selfishness is natural and can not be cured i think

I have found what works for me is trust. If in a relationship where i trust my partner will look after me and my best interests i tend to let go and look after theirs and them as I dont feel i have to worry about me me me all the time

But when i am in a r/ship where i am not confident/comfortable, i am always trying to second guess his next move so as to be one step ahead - always trying to look after me cause if i dont he def wont, infact he will use and abuse and take

So i dont go into a r/ship until I trust my partner will look after me as that is what i know i will do for him

Reading your reply above

you problem is you dont care/love her enough to make those sacrifices for her, considering how often you see her. the above is not even selfishness, it self centredness, you expect the world and r/ship to revolve around you, your life and your terms and you wont accomodate some one else'
either that or you take her love and care and good naturedness for granted knowing that if you that she will
OR you just simply are not matured enough in mind to have the kindl of r/ship you want. it is only a matter of time before any good natured woman feels like your door mat and gets fed up with your attitude - but then you cant put up with a self centered woman either
so you will either be single, be a serial heart breaker or just be unhappy

luxoire:

your problem is you dont care/love her enough to make those sacrifices for her

true!

Simply put, your love for her is not enough

U r simply obviously looking out to something else that catches ur interest more. Its obviously all about u.

Naturally everyone was created selfish! Only GOD enables us to love our neighbors as ourselves. Give ur heart to GOD and HE will take care of d selfishness.

Ladies like it when t comes to this kinda topic

@Poster, do know that the only well known cure for selfishness is Jesus Christ.

He's the only one that can spread genuine love in ur heart.

All the best bro.

@luxoire & junee; how true!

i also see your insecurities and overemphasised personal need crying out "me, me, me"!

your being unsure, untrusting etc makes it very easy for you to be all rational, all cool and calculated and of course, keeping scores, tabs and co. won't be far off once that kinda mindset's in place.

i think you should go for a mate that really impress you and appealing to the deepest of your noble instincts while being ready to give your best to such a one when you find her and then, true happiness might not be far away.

Selfishness is disasterous in a relationship
whereby u as a girl will like the guy to always
meet ur demand, do things u want, and never care to
think of his own feelings.

I've just met a girl, whom i want to share my love with
but I discovered she is selfish and self centered.
she always want me to do things that will please her,
and never care of things she will do to please me.

i just can't help but zoom off

(Selfishness is a developed character, and can be curbed)

@luxoire and junee, NO! I daresay I love my woman dearly, she knows this and its unfortunate that I try to make up by giving her gifts, and when I do see her, I really splurge.
But I know she really yearns for those moments when we are together even if its for a few hours. I have managed to surprise her occassionally with visits and some thoughful actions that she really cherishes.

I'm NOT unsure, insecure at all, we've been together 2 years now and only been together in the same town for a total of at most 4 months. I trust her 100%.

I guess I just know she'll always be there so I put her on the bottom rung.
I want to stop this so that I don't lose her.

Try Selling fish. that is big time fish biz n u will c wot will happen.

Just think about other things, there are many things to think of, remember life is very short.

At conversion self is dealt with and nailed to the cross. only after this can sacrificial love be attained which is the eternal remedy for selfishness.

All's been said.

Adhere strictly

Don Umeh:

Try Selling fish. that is big time fish biz n u will c wot will happen.

Mad man

I just know she'll always be there so I put her on the bottom rung.

I guess she has made herself overtly available & unnessarily vulnerable. She has also placed herself so much in the position of trust. . . so u place her at the bottom of ur priorities, whinning "she'll always be there"

Hmmn! . . . Now i'm beginning to understand that a guy is more on guard (& doing best) when he's unable to predict a woman he is in love with.

I just hope cheating is not one of the other priorities U better don't push her hard, remember the table always flips over.

darqly:

@luxoire and junee, NO! I daresay I love my woman dearly, she knows this and its unfortunate that I try to make up by giving her gifts, and when I do see her, I really splurge.
But I know she really yearns for those moments when we are together even if its for a few hours. I have managed to surprise her occassionally with visits and some thoughful actions that she really cherishes.

I'm NOT unsure, insecure at all, we've been together 2 years now and only been together in the same town for a total of at most 4 months. I trust her 100%.

I[b] guess I just know she'll always be there so I put her on the bottom rung. [/b]
I want to stop this so that I don't lose her.

wrong attitude to have. if you really appreciate her and loveher like you say you do! then you will yearn to spend time with her - exp where you guys dont seem to have much time together

stop taking her and her feelings for granted - because she may just surprise you one day and stop always being there - who you going to blame then?

I am saying, make time for her more often - if you love her like you say - do the things to make her happy with you and the r/ship. don't push her away. Everyone is human, when someone feels like they are the one doing all the giving in a r/ship it is only a matter of time before they get fed up and stop giving

darqly:

I trust her 100%.

[size=15pt] NO, NO, NO!!!  Big mistake!!

Rule #1:  NEVER trust any human 100%!  Maybe 99, but NOT 100!!!!
Rule #2:  ALWAYS remember Rule #1!!!!

Obey these rules, and you'll meet less disappointments in life. [/size]

You are making the mistake so many of us make in relationships; taking your partner for granted because he/she cares so much and is willing to make so much sacrifice.
If you really love her as you claim, you have to start making sacrfices to please her as well. So you do not lose her to someone else. You can give up your comfort/hours of rest to visit. All the best.

@Topic:
Yes.

Purist:

[size=15pt] NO, NO, NO!!! Big mistake!!

Rule #1: NEVER trust any human 100%! Maybe 99, but NOT 100!!!!
Rule #2: ALWAYS remember Rule #1!!!!

Obey these rules, and you'll meet less disappointments in life. [/size]

From whence cometh this ya advice

YOU LOVE HER NOT. plain truth.

i have personally ended a relationship after severally seeing such a manifestation of lack of love.

If she were my friend ill tell her to dump you before you dump her.
Love and selfishness cant go together.

OR
You have not met ur rib

or
you are yet to mature in the relationship.

cheers

@purist, you mean you have no one you can totally rely on?I know we're humans,and we're not infallible BUT i know people that will come through for me when the chips are down,who will be there when they say 'I'll be there', and I have people I'd go the whole 9 yards for.

It'll take work, and a conscious effort, . . . .try so much not to think of yourself alone, . . . .

TOYOSI20:

It'll take work, and a conscious effort,

I agree!

darqly, I don't think you're selfish. you probably are more self reliant/ independent and she's not. she wants u there 24/7 and u want her there 12/7. lol i guess putting more work or conscious effort like toyosi said otherwise i don't know what to say to u.