PREFACE

The early days of our lives were most times so interesting that the thoughts of one’s teenage life fires some nostalgia of feelings
that make you smile in mock or amusement of the sheepishness, juvenile activism
or inexperience with which errors were made, the things which informed certain
youth actions or behavioral tendencies of students due to their background.

College pranks is a collection of those nutty days of innocence, marked by the

tricks that made boys/girls what they are or what they later become in life.

Many jump into quick conclusion or an unhealthy generalization about children.
In so far as your home will not be the only school of your child or children, the
psychology of the student next door must be available to every growing child or
even parents. Parents want their wards to be great, the school may not be enough,
the society, exposure, and wishes of the teenage guys must be put in proper
perspective for the betterment of our future Teens. Enjoy it!
*****
I'll appreciate criticism and corrections, u cud xtracool me on 08039423011 or mail me on contactahmednow@yahoo.com. Thumbs for the 'firsters'(read, first posters)



START HERE

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1. Ladies’ HIDEOUT

In school then we were in SS2. We usually go into the toilet at closing hour,
lock–up and apply our facials (mascara, lip-gloss, powder and stuffs). There was
this day my friend Teju wanted to deal with the ladies. They numbered 6 in the
toilet doing their thing when Teju locked them up with a padlock and jeez! On
empty stomachs they savoured the urine laden stench for hours. They were all
mute for some time thinking the stern-small-bodied vice Principal who patrols
the whole blocks would have done that. Patiently waiting and believing that he
will soon be gone. But no! It was Teju.

What sort of feelings didn’t they experience? Cold, ennui, shame, lust, pity,
boredom, confusion, and nausea…deprivation as though a gang locked up
behind bars after a conviction of felony. And another munite, numbness arising
from the barrage of different moods that harassed them impenitently.

You won’t believe that it was around 10:40pm at night that they got reprieve
from a security staff that came to their rescue. Sergeant Dominic-that’s his
name; he was a 5 ft 8’ tall man with broad shoulders, distinct bump on the right
cheek and piercing pairs of eyes. He unlocked the padlock and looked at every
one of them, speechless and transfixed in astonishment.

And what happened to Teju? Nothing, they were neither bold to report him nor
were they sure of the next trick he had up sleeves if they went ahead to report.
In anyway, they had no sure evidence against him. It was a fierce experience.

Also at about 12:15 am one day while in SS1, Teju had taken a permanent
marker and he scribbled the devil’s number on everyone’s left hand…so adept
that none woke up, although some had their sleep a little disturbed. I ensured
Teju slept before I dozed-off and as everyone woke up, there was serious panic
in Prince Kaka Hall(our hostel then)….even Teju had it on, of course he wrote it
on himself and myself too. “666…!”. I didn’t panic because I knew it was Teju’s
blueprint, but I enjoyed watching almost everyone confused to their bone
marrows.
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2. Senior PANGOLO

Back then in school our senior colleagues were brutish; they did all sort of
things to prove their superiority. There was this generally lanky guy; lousy in
speech and notorious for ridiculing lecturers. He punished me one day he sent
me out of school to get some contra(items that were disallowed for use within
the college) which I declined because it was against school regulations. He took
it hard at me and does just anything to spite me to press home his irritation. I
was in JSS2 Gold, we had Gold, Silver, Diamond and Platinum Classes then.

So what could I do to this ruffian? I thought, we finished our exams and were
preparing to leave school. This senior student stays by the window side directly
facing M-Wing (where he can get a good glimpse of entry and exit of junior
students). A night before our departure for the term, I got a big MILO tin and
stuffed it with excrement …. What for! One dastard action that would remain in
the minds of many of us then at Cosmos Academy, Agodi for a very long time.
This was how the acronym ‘Senior Pangolo’ gained usage in the speech of
students up till this day.

While everyone was asleep, I dropped it at the senior’s window side which was
positioned directly above his head, I made sure no one saw me. At 20 minutes
past midnight I leaped, tiptoed and got to the wing. A day before that night
which was a Wednesday I had gone to puncture the unit supplying electricity to
that block.

After dropping the stocked tin carefully at the window, I used a stick to drop its
content over and hey! Pangolo must have received a baptism of shit.

I leaped back avoiding the light and shielding my shadow. I slipped into my
coverlet and zoom… I slept off. The confusion that rented the hostel air was
unimaginable and it took close to an hour before this Pangolo guy and his
friends came to the reality of a heavy joke played on them. I laughed last.

There is this other case of one guy whose name is a little hazy now. He told his
friends that he could do "Touch and Follow" after collecting money, he gave him
something like a Key-holder ring glued to a cowrie. "Touch and Follow" was
some sort of talismanic devise in which its user gives a command and the mark
simply follows. That he should slap the girl’s ass with it.

The Guy just went to one pretty big girl that had boyfriends in senior class. He
slapped the girl twice on the ass. Thereafter, the girl turned and beat him up
with reckless abandon. Grin! Grin! Grin!

She also went to report to a female teacher after beating the guy seriously for
several minutes, the guy confessed that he was testing “Touch and follow”. The
case worsened as it became the sensation in school then, reported to the
disciplinary unit, the school catechist…everyone especially female teachers took
serious interest in the case.

NO. 2 CONTINUES,
The girl’s boyfriend and his friends beat up the guy and the "medicine man"
seriously, tying both of them back-to-back and asking them to run….It was
simply inconceivable.

In the hostel they were asked to fill the gutter with water or draw a car and
push it to start. They got really sore after the bad show.


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3. The Evil that MEN do….

“Hey! Which class?”. Three! I said with some deadpan audacity while shielding
my real status and displeasure of being sent on unnecessary errands as SS3
boys are wont to. But the guy figured it out. “You are a nincompoop!” he cursed
so you are in JSS3 and you are saying Three as though we were mates! “But I
said three-I actually meant JSS3, you misconstrued me”. I defended.

“…I say you be buffoon and na malu be your oldman. Go and get me water to
drink!” I smiled wryly and dashed quickly for the water as if wanting to be
obedient.

I collected some water from the Tap behind the dome and on seeing a trace of
urine path coming from the rear of the leaky walls of female toilet, I scooped
some and dropped like 3 drops of jaundiced urine (yellow urine; the sight of
which nauseates). “Here is it” I said with some humility. The wonk thanked me
and said I should take some first because he hardly trusts any junior student. I
told him it was needless and that I got it from the dome tap which was the
healthiest then as it was recently installed. Many pipes in the school were
diseased conduits as rust and fractures characterized it…water flowing is hardly
clear let alone clean.

 
That was in 1994 and the school was just six (6) months to its 49th year
anniversary, most of its structures needed salvaging repairs and maintenance.

With a ferocious voice he yelled “I say drink first!” As I attempted to pick the
cup, he rushed at me as if he knew the content of my mind. I had wanted to
throw the cup’s content away to feign my interpretation of what he requested.
By his command I was interpreting it as “Go get the water again”. Of course
because I wasn’t mad enough to drink the coloured water.

And before I could hear ‘jack’ he forced the mixture into my mouth. The only
thing I could recall now is that I was admitted for days in the school clinic
before I was transferred to OXFORD CLINIC near the state gulf club due to
dysentery, purging and a convoluted appalling condition which I find hard to
describe medically. I missed my 3rd term exams and I almost repeat that
class. The evil that men do no longer lives after them, if lives with them.
And what about smuggling Laboratory equipments, Chemicals, reagents, and
test tubes just because I wanted to become another Boyle's, Charles, Isaac
Newton!

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SINS of desire
Desire and passion are feelings that can hardly go once initiated. Desire can
make a man continue to crave for that which is his object of lust for decades or
so long as he breathes. In my fourth year in secondary school one funny
incident occurred. Once students get to the fourth year they are separated into
four classes viz ; Sciences, Art, Technical, Management. In each of these classes
there is mixing of sexes. We were paired because of the general belief that
pairing makes students more attentive, more studious and generally composed.
I was in management class (business related courses, accounting, economics
etc where taught). Kame Danielson was my sit mate, he was an average
student and I liked him because he had a fine accent. On row three column
seven was seated Betty (a brief, chubby and light-skinned lady) and Dave
Fredrick a chubby but tall son of a renowned bishop and he is kru by tribe. My
college, Quintessence High school, in Zwedru was one of the leading institutions
in Liberia.

One day while in Commerce Class, the teacher was going round the class as he
explained some rudiments of international trade and the GDP evaluation of
different nations.

Betty and Dave were lost in lust as the devoured the pages of an X-rated 418
hard-paper back book. Catastrophe struck when the teacher sighted both of
them non-attentive, carried away and engrossed in something else. As he went
round, he dipped his hand into it and eureka! A text book of anomie was found.
Confusion gripped the entire 37 students in class because the penalty culture
then was to deal with the whole class.

So what is this book which we later code-named ‘K-book’? Was it more
important than the commerce class or was it an encyclopaedic business manual?

Both students were asked by the Admission Officer to come along with their
parents the next day or forfeit their admission. They had brought shame to
themselves, they had ridiculed my class, they had ridiculed the school as this
news spread like wildfire through other colleges, and they had humiliated their
 
parents who were both respected entrepreneurs and religious figures. Betty’s
father was a senior member of the Divine Fire ministries in Monrovia.

This became the subject of talk for months to come. A female trader once asked
me “Are you from kuntishens” that was how best she could pronounce it. I
answered in the affirmative and she said again “Commerce class?” I felt so
embarrassed that I scampered away. If she had asked this question before the
incident, I will proudly answer her questions and give her guidelines if her kids
were to apply for studies at Quintessence. I felt really bad as I later realized
that these censored materials were mostly from neighbouring francophone
countries moral values were on the down.
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10. PLEASE DON’T EXPEL IT!
Mrs Aderemi Oladosun was the wife of a business mogul in ikire. Like every
Yoruba family they held education and learning in high value. That was the case
of a mother in agony for her child’s reprehensible misconduct. She had come to
plead for Isaac Aderemi for an offense unheard of in the precinct of ikire.

Isaac was a master signature; he forges everything forgeable, he had good
artistic skills…what he lacked in mathematics, he compensated for in con and
debauchery. Isaac’s father was wealthy enough to afford just anything he
needed, yet he never spoilt his kids with money or materials. He wanted them
to be well behaved, disciplined and to know the value of hardwork. While some
parents drop their wards in school, Mr. Aderemi would rather allow Isaac and his
two daughters to trek down to school which was just few kilometers away from
home.

One fateful day, Ugo Ebube came to school with his father’s passbook. What
for? We wondered aloud. Ugo had sought the help of the master signature the
king of forgery-Isaac to debit his father’s account by N3000. This is good money
considering the Naira-Dollar exchange rate and market value it had sixteen
years ago.

So Isaac went to work, like one used to bank transactions; carefully writing to
request payment in the name of Mr. Ebube Emecheta C. Everything worked
perfectly. At Equitorial Trust bank, Ikire they were attended to by middle aged
man who assumed they had come on behalf of their father-the owner of the
account. He also assumed the sums payable to them was likely to be their
school fees. Both friends were putting on plastic wrist bands.

 
And in seconds, it flashed through his mind. This was neither beginning of term
nor midway into the term, when school fees are being paid.

He peered into their eyes to retrieve answers “Are you sure, your dad asked you
to make this withdrawal?” “Yes Sir!” they answered. The bank guy asked them
to wait a little as he goes into a safer room he dialed Mr.Ebube for confirmation.
It rang endlessly without anyone picking it. Seeing the calmness on Isaac and
Ugo, he deduced that they could be sent by their parents-Boys in JSS3 were
not too small to handle that in today’s Nigeria.

It was after the money has been finally paid that a man moved into the banking
hall with some action movie swiftness-he arrested them and asked the bank
manager to come down …from the records his camera’s took, some facts were
accessed. This camera was bad! Bad enough to record the minutest whispers
that these boys made, their total eye-movement,gesticulation,facial expressions
all point at one thing-Thieves or fraudsters.

That was how the duo were caught and reprimanded in the school’s Bermuda
house (a single door, double windowed tall building where school rogues and
capital offenders were chastised). If their parents were not staying in Ikire I am
almost sure the Principal will ensure they are put in police custody at least for
some days.

You will never believe a prison exist in a secondary school, but ours was a
school with notorious elements , surrounded by more notorious ones like Scapel
Academy, Fahrenheit College, Command secondary school and New Scholars
International School.

 
Two days later Mrs. Aderemi Oladosun wept endlessly in the principal’s office.
She was thinly educated but whatever she couldn’t acquire in terms of
education, she deemed it necessary for her children. As she pleaded, the phrase
that gained much frequency was “Please sir! Don’t expel it!” “ Nitori olohun !
Please, his father will kill him! Don’t expel it”. “Please sir! Don’t expel it!” “ Nitori
olohun ! Don’t expel it. What! Expel it or him? Comedy I inferred.

Those of us bold enough to eavesdrop from the window at the eastern flank of
the principal’s office could not help but laugh discretely.

Her plea was accepted but Ugo who could not come with his parents was
withdrawn from school to become an apprentice. I heard he now sells
Automobile spare-parts in Nnewi, eastern Nigeria.

***** LET me hear u critique it b4 i post odas