Being a Nigerian Music Celebrity (let’s call it NMC) right now, comes in all shapes, shades and strands. Many a Nigerian youth have taken out so much time off their lives in trying to achieve this feat.
Without special skill(s) or talent such as a good, soothing and unique voice like that of Whitney Houston, Luther Vandross, Bright Chimezie, Timi Dakolo, etc. Or mastery of any musical instrument, as displayed by the likes of Carlos Santa, Jimmy Hendrix, Kenny G, King Sunny Ade, Victor Uwaifo, Dan Mariya Jos, Tee-Mac, Aara, Wale Sax, etc. What about the ability to compose beautiful, meaningful and alluring lyrics and music like Kenny Edmonds (Baby Face), R Kelly, Jean Wyclef, Fela Anikulapo Kuti, Onyeka Owenu, Bongos Ikwue, Dare Art Alade and so on? Or be able to put up great artistic or dance performance(s) like James Brown, Michael Jackson, Usher Raymond, Jennifer Lopez, Shakira, P-Square, etc. Oh! Forget all that! Don’t worry, all hope is not lost.
It took folks like King Sunny Ade, Evangelist Ebenezer Obey, Sir Victor Uwaifo, Rex Lawson, Ultimate Warrior, Osadebe, Oriental Brothers, Oliver d’Coque, Dan Mariya Jos and the others with all their great bands, wonderful musical compositions and skills, beautiful lyrics, wonderful dances/performances and unique voices decades to attain anything close to being a celebrity. Come on! Who have that kind of time? why should anyone waste their time learning a musical instrument, practice dancing or exploit their God-given talents to become a celebrity? Like the saying goes now “who e epp?” LOL…
10 QUICK AND EFFECTIVE STEPS TO CELEBRITY STATUS
The following quick steps would effectively help you to gain celebrity status in so short a time, shorter than the time it takes to break eggs to make omelet.
1. If you think music is the ‘ish’, gather all forms of noise generating objects such as bottles, empty cans, disposed barrels (drums), jerry cans, cooking pots, plates and pans, cutleries and so on, to make any form of sound using a sound mixer and an amplifier to make the sounds more appealing, clearer and listenable…
2. Choose a name such as ‘Badoo’, ‘Bahd Guy’, etc. that depicts you as a societal ill and deviant character and also make such name a bye-line or slogan that confers on you a deviant, bad and terrible personality.
3. While churning out silly lyrics that make nursery rhymes look like something from rocket science, do not forget to insult all those that listen to your music by calling them out with names and phrases such as ‘awon goons mi…’, ‘all my thugs…’, ‘where the bitches at?’, etc.
4. Remember words like ‘jogodo’, ‘kurukere’, ‘Limpopo’, ‘kpalanga’, etc, make sure you are able to coin words with absolutely no meaning! This is very critical for your success as it would later open a trademark for you.
5. After releasing a song that’s bereft of any form of musicality, but full of empty words, silly rhymes, shouts, hollerings, name calling and insults in a voice that the touts and thugs at Oshodi, Obalende, Mile 2 and Ojota Bus stops would come to you for lessons in voice thuggery, you then act as if you are the next best thing after sliced bread.
6. In your song, make sure that you shout your name at the end of every phrase or line, so as to make it stick to your audience’s minds as you continue to insult their sensibilities and assault their eardrums into accepting your ‘hit’ music.
7. Now that your ‘hit’ is out on the streets, it’s time to pick on a reigning celebrity, event or institution and create a ‘beef’ by being controversial. While at it, ensure that you fight, quarrel with and insult anybody or institution who is a ‘who-is-who’ in the entertainment industry to draw attention to yourself. This is akin to pulling a rope down to pull you out of a pit.
8. Organize and attend interviews that would focus, discuss and x-ray your controversies, fights and quarrels with important persons rather than on your ‘hit’ song, in order to promote your new found celebrity status rather than promoting your ‘hit’ song that is out on the streets.
9. Don’t forget to always get as high as possible on whatever cheap stuff you can drink, smoke or sniff! This would help you wear the appropriate celebrity look, speak more slurry and make you walk as gingerly as possible to get the right swag for your fans. LWKMD.
10. Finally, since you are not likely to create another silly ‘hit’ easily again, try to find other celebrities to collabo with. After all, two empty heads may just create another empty noise they’ll call a ‘hit’.
With these steps highlighted above, it would be easier for anyone to attain a celebrity status faster than it would take you to like a comment on social media. I wish you luck in your new found status as a celebrity and do hope that your next song or album would be a ‘hit’ as the previous one and as you start filling out forms with your occupation as ‘celebrity’. LOL…
Remember to thank me later.
Source: http://bluestocker.com/become-nigerian-music-celebrity/ |
