Salam alaikum,

'Religion is sincere advice', says the prophet(PBUH). It is in this light that I feel the 'Islam for Muslims' section of Nairaland should go beyond arguing and debating to sharing meaningful advice and experience, while not drifting from Islamic prescription. Sometime last Ramadan, some of us Lagos Muslim nairalanders had a joint iftar(breaking of fast) at a restuarant in VI here. It's going to be an annual event insha Allah and we will look at the possibility of holding similar event in other locations like Abuja, Kaduna, Kano and London where we have a considerable number of Nairaland Muslims. That is how far the bond has grown. And I believe we can do better.

This thread is yet another initiative I have decided to put up for sharing of events(the cheery and the worrying) in our lives.

THE CHEERY
-Is there anything good happening in your life you feel like sharing with us?
-Is there any decision options you are undecided about?
-Wish to share your good news with us?
-Any challenge in your life that you have surmounted and wish to share with us?

THE WORRYING
-Is there any worrying event in your life?
-Are you troubled with job searching or similar unpalatable post-school events?
-Are you undergoing some depression in your life?
-Are you undergoing a test of faith?
-What is happening in your spiritual life?
-What about your mundane life?
-Or is it marital challenge?

This is not a miracle centre please, just a forum for sharing of mutually beneficial information and advice. You never can tell which advice can change your life or other people can benefit from your advice or experience.

Our in-house ustazs, Olabowale, Babs787, Lagosboy, Muhsin and others are more than capable of giving those spiritual tonics, strictly from Qur'an and Sunnah and rightly guided scholars.

If you don't want to let us know your identity, just send an anonymous mail to jarusnairaland@yahoo.com and your challenge will be posted here strictly under anonymity and informed advice, based on Qur'an and Sunnah, will be given, which you can read yourself.

This is strictly for Muslims and I will try as much as possible to guide it from derailment, but serious contribution from non-Muslims are welcome.

Maa salaam,
Jarus,
Moderator

Very good innovation !!! Jazakallah bro

Wa alaykumssalam, yes this will be intriguing because i do not farthom the essence of brotherhood if affectionate feelings can not be shared amongst the Muslims. I support jarus for this wonderful piece of advice and suggestion. We pray Allaah make it sustainable.

Let me set the ball rolling by sharing this with all. We can all learn one or two things from it, as well as give valuable advice.

The challenge I'm currently having in my life has to do with settling down. I never believed I will have problem finding the right partner. By the special grace of almighty Allah, I'm from an OK family, not doing badly myself and almighty Allah has been so merciful to this small, lazy bone.

When I was in school I always boasted to my friends that I will never have difficult finding the right lady. I have seen quite a number that caught my attention. In my final year in the university, when my friends were scrambling to hook one Hajia or the other, I also made one or two efforts but didn't yield pisitive result.

I was fortunate to get a nice job in an investment banking institution just a couple of weeks after graduating. Being from a polygamous, but intricately united, Islamic home, and my parents knowing the deadliness of being single in corporate Lagos, my parents were worried about my settling down, at least they wanted to know the 'lady'. I didn't have any. There was pressure from friends and family. Everybody was eager to know the lady. It was difficult telling them I had not found any yet. Not having Hajia at 24 was unbelievable to many, but I always joked it away.

Our parents and family in Kwara are not so disposed to us marrying a Lagos-raised lady. My elder brother despite being a full Lagos person, finished from Unilag and was already a top corporate executive before marrying, was not allowed to marry a Lagos lady, he was brought home to marry. That is how selective our family are.[This is no disrespecting our Lagos sisters. You are all good. In fact, I personally don't subscribe to that idea, but we must respect our parents wish].

So the same thing was being applied to me. They kept warning me never to date Lagos person. I kept assuring them that there was no problem. But working 5.am to 11pm everyday in Lagos, there was just no way I can meet the type of lady my parents want.

Wa'alaika Salam, brother Jarus

What a good initiative! May Allah, the Exalted, help our Muslim ummah unite and develop wherever in this world. May He strengthen our already loosen bonds, ameen.

Your story sounds very touching, and yet ubiquitous. My elder brother living in Bauchi had had encountered the same problem. He is a banker; he worked in Maiduguri, Yola, Kano and now Bauchi. With prayer, good hope and advices from friends, relatives and the likes he overcame it. He’s now a family man.

I don’t have much time, as you could have noticed I only log-in now. And I’ll leave now. But inshaAllah when I get back I’ll say more.

May Allah help you in your search for a good mother of your children, amen.

Tough one there Jarus. may Allah ease the situation for you and provide you with a woman whom you'll never regret marrrying.

I can't blame your parent, they want the best for you. But at the same time, you need to convince them that not all lagos sisters are bad. There are many many good sisters in Lagos that you can get through careful selection.

But your parents don't seem to be the only problem here. what about you? What time do you have to look for a good match considering your work schedule? how do you intend to do the search? Or perhaps daddy an mummy will just go look for a good Kwara girl and bundle her to your doorstep.

Seriuosly, you need to create time for yourself. It's your life. Not many women will even like this 8-11 thing u're doing.

You can talk to muslims around you whom you feel are matured and upright to help in the search. We here too'll see what we can do aout it, insha Allah.

Salam to all

So brother Jarus,

I do have sisters that have potential (yes say it, I am an unrepentant matchmaker) but I will need a little more info from you.

Insha Allah you will find a good muslimah; (please stay away from non muslims that promise to convert; simple reason is if all our brothers marry non muslims, what happens to our muslim sisters?)

I have typed the full story but will be dropping them in bits.

Wanting to please my parents and family, I told my mum, aunties and step mothers to help find a good, beautiful Muslim lady.
One thing led to the other and I was introduced to this partly Yoruba, partly Fulani lady[ALY-initials] last week of 2006. Her mum was a family friend(a Yoruba) but her Dad, a Fulani from Niger state. She is beautiful. We talked and we got along. Later, I quit my pre-NYSC job and proceeded on NYSC in Sokoto state. Distance was a great problem but we spoke on phone everyday. I spent a year in Sokoto and returned to secure another job in a company in the downstream sector. This was mid-2008 and we had been together for more than year. My own parents were already talking about introduction and all that, but her mother, our family friend, started behaving funny. She also started behaving funny to me. She got provoked at the slightest provocation, and the next thing she said after a little disagreement was 'let's call it quit'. By this time, I had fallen so much in love with her that anytime we quarelled, I will not be able to eat for hours. I observed she suddenly became unusually demanding. Anytime she wanted to come and visit her Aunty in Lagos, I paid for her flights from Lagos to Abuja and back. I also bought a lot of things for her. Northern ladies are expensive o. I spent close to 300K on her but I realized she wasn't appreciative. She didn't send me at all.

I however got the shock of my life when I got info that she was already about to do introduction with one Alhaji in Niger state. The thing pain me no be small o. So this lady has been deceiving me all this while. It led to a small quanta between our family nad theirs. Remember they are our family friend. To cut the long story short, she is doing her wedding this Friday in Niger state. But I thank God, it didn't work out as I got to know one or two things about her later that I doubt if she would have been the best for me, especially excessive love for money and material things.

I had thought and planned by the end of 2009, I would have settled down and cross that bridge, but everything has just been moving back and forth.

I recovered and moved on with my life. My service year in the north had exposed me to beautiful, Muslim northern ladies and my attention shifted to the north. My main shortcoming(if it's a shortcoming really) is that I don't want to trade beauty for anything except Islam. She must be a Muslim of course, but must also be beautiful. In corporate environment, I can't afford to go a partner whose presentability I cannot be proud of. I became ultra-selective and maybe that is why I am where I still am today.

ALY's case marked the beginning of a series of endless search for the right Hajia and I have had my fair share of deception, disappointment, fruitless chase etc.

HM: Met her during service year in Sokoto and I just can't help admiring this Nupe lady. She is a very brilliant and mature lady taht has Masters in Architecture from FUT Minna. I'm not exaggerating, she's the most beautiful lady I have ever come across and also the most religious of all the ladies that caught my attention. She has a very good understanding of Islam. But because I was already dating ALY, I tried to ignore her and controlled myself even though she was far better than ALY. No sooner than ALY issued me red card that HM came back to my head. I still had her phone no in my phone. So I began efforts to have this Bida princess. I travelled all the way from Lagos to Minna via Abuja to go and see her. There is tribal difference but I know I can surmount that from my own side. After enough persuasion I know my own family will allow me to marry her. But the wahala is from her side. I spoke with her aunty(a bank manager with Skye bank), her sister etc to help convince her parent, but all my efforts met brick wall. They can't trust their daughter with a Yoruba guy, moreso being from a royal family, she must marry a Nupe lady. Na wa o. It was difficult losing a lady that also loved me that much to one tribal nonsense.

FA: This one was my junior and Ife and one of the Hajias that turned me down during the final year scramble. Well, later when I started working, she made efforts to get me back but it was too late. One, she's too exposed and too lousy for my liking. Two, she's too Lagos for my parents' liking. She is from Lagos state. I don't trust her.

JY: It got to a stage that I became so desperate and my close friends started networking for me. I was introduced to this lady, who is also from my town in Kwara but grew up in Niger state(what is wrong with me and Niger state. This is the third from that state, and the 4th is coming). She really liked me(the one that liked me most of all ladies I have come across). She is also a FUT Minna student. But she had fallen so much in love with me. She is no doubt a wife material, very submissive and not materialistic. But I have one or two unsatisfactory things about her past. She is also not well grounded enough in Islamic understanding, including leaving her hair open where she is not meant to. She's also not brilliant enough for my liking and murder English language(I'm sorry, it will be difficult presenting her in the midst of my friends). She is also too submissive for my liking. She never had a contrary idea to mine, even when I'm plainly wrong. I realized if I marry her, I'll just enslave her. Coupled with the fact that she fell somehow short on the standard of beauty I look for, I can't help telling her off. She cried and begged but marriage is a lifetime contract I can't afford to act on sympathy consideration. Back to square one.

FS: This one was my faculty mate in my university days. She was a beautiful Muslim lady, I wont lie, I used to admire throughout our days in the university, but I never approached her(I never approached any lady throughout my 5 years in Uni, except FA I attempted in my final year), partly because I knew any relationship I started in the university was most likely not going to be serious and I wasn't given to frivolities. Sometime early this year when the active struggle continued, I jammed her and started making efforts on her. Everything appeared working for me when I had a clash with her brother, and she also supported him. Her brother did not like me and I know he will stand against me. When I realized the brother was taking it too far with me, I called the bluff of all of them. Ale t'ori pa fe jeran ka pe maalu ni boda. That was how that one also scattered. Back, again, to square one.

The search continues

RYB: I met this lady recently and she is a very brilliant medical student of Unilorin. We are from the same town in Kwara, but she's Ilorin based. She is very mature(more mature than her age) and intelligent, partly omo ajebutta. She is not bad in beauty and very brilliant, the type I had always wanted. I made serious efforts on her, including speaking with her uncle etc, but it's been to no avail, she was already dating another man.

So this is how difficult it is to get a lady? I never believed it can get to this stage. Even my friends that have not gotten jobs all have great sisters and some have already done introduction. Not even the fact I have a good job, use a good car, comes from a reputable family(at least in my town), trying Islamically, has a history of good character(at least those that did research about me say they got good recommendation about me) has been able to work for me.

Got to go and pray Monghrib. BRB

Salam, Jarus and all

I thoroughly read your heartrending stories; I literally feel your pain, for I (although much younger than you) had once experienced something akin to this. I know how it feels to be jilted, deceived and/or mischiefed a girls to the extent I wrote a book titled A Weird Hope on that. The book is not yet publish, for I fail to get it proofread. And I'm really, really afraid of my spoonful English (4give my going a little bit off-topic, please).

You can deduce from my earlier reply and the aforementioned that the case is nothing new to me.

Jarus, this is a problem which only Allah can solve it. Love is a makhlooq (created) phenomenon, which only Allah does that. It's hatred that is ghayr makhlooq but Satan/devil and his cohorts create. Thence stick to your prayers. And we'll, inshaAllah, be putting you in ours. And heed to sister Zayhal hints. . .inshaAllah you are within an ace of getting your potential life partner.

PS:

I kind of figure-out you are being choosy, aren't you? If you are, which I hope not, better quit that choosiness as soon as possible.

Best wishes

Hmmm , this Jarus story could make for a good novel in fact a best seller 

Seriously bro , honestly such things happen in life and your case is even better than a lot of bros here in the UK. I have some non nigerian friend mid 30s not married and parents still insisting they marry from a particular sect or caste. There are lots of sisiters, especially in this situation, one of my friend's sister is about 42 and never married because all their life their parents wanted her to marry someone from Bangladesh even if this famliy were all born and raised here.

Nigeria is case is a lot better in that , they coulples are still left alone to go search, but in some silly culutres the parent will do the search and bring the girl or guy home and expect the bro/sis to be happy and go head with the marriage. Most of this arranged marriage end up in divorce and that is the unfortunate thing amongst muslims in the west UK in particular. Thousand of divorced sisters and i even read a report of this issue in The news magazine a while ago about the divorce rate in the north of Nigeria.

Bro i would advise you to not be too choosy, i know education is important and as well is beauty, the deen is more important and even at that if you find a sisiter not too practising , she can always practise and that should not turn you off completely. You should be ready to make some sacrifices and hardwork in developing a potential life partner. There arent many ready made complete sisters out there. Also, do not let the length of the hijab decieve you into thinking a sister with it is an angel from heaven , we muslims unfortunately are our different selves (with diff character) before being muslim.

N.B Wetin do our Lagos sisters nah, i go fight you o remember i be proper Lagos boy omo eko to the core.

_{[/sub]Na hausa/fulani sister i dey look for now  [sub]}

lagosboy already hit the nail on the head.
try to relax that your core criteria.
Love conquers all as long as you find that ONE
Good luck with the search though

I thought I was the only one seeing him s been very choosy.

One thing we should always have in our minds especially when seeking partner is that we can never get what we want 100% in one person, no matter how perfect that person seem to be initially, there'll be some things we wish they had or they didn't have. It's when u begin to live together that you'll try nd correct those you can and cope with those you can't.

Always remember too that you're not perfect yourself. If you see a lady that tells you you've got all she wants, I tell you, she's either lying or not being realistic. the truth is, whoever you end up marrying, know that there'll e somethings about you which she'd like to change too.

And Jarus, you saying a sister was too submissive or not beautiful enough and because of those, aren't presentable to your kind of friends is, am sorry to say, a very wrong notion and unbecoming of muslim. Is your wife supposed to be a thing to be paraded before your friends? What has the look of your wife got to do with your friends?
When choosing a wife, you should consider yourself 1st because you're the one who'll live with her, then look at her well to see if she looks like someone who'll be a good mother for your children, all of these, in the islamic context.

N.B.
Let' remeber this thread isn't for Jarus alone o. He opende it for all to bring in their issues.

I appreciate the advices and comments of every one.

I agree I'm very choosy, in fact over choosy. And I think that is my bane. My sister-in-law was accusing me of same some days ago and I agreed. It's just difficult to drop that 'beauty' quality.

Zayhal, I appreciate your kind advice. Public presentability as a factor in choosing wife is no doubt unbecoming of a Muslim. I totally agree. I just have to sit down and make a rethink and set my priorities right. But the issue is that I always believe I can see a lady who will satisfy all the conditions(e.g that Nupe lady, HM), so something just keeps telling me, keep trying, whereas time is going.

Some lessons I have learnt which I believe others here can also learn from:
-Money can never win you love. In ALY's case, I spent heavily on her but I realized she didn't love me. The reverse is the case in JY, she never demanded anything from me, but she almost died because of me. I just found it difficult to like her
-It is very hard to get a partner taht has 100% of what you are looking for.
-It is still difficult for some Muslims, despite their Islamic understanding, to drop tribal considerations

hmm nice.

Jarus
Lag boy et all already said it all.

and like you said you cant always find someone that has 100% of all that you are looking for.

@JArus,

First I believe that the sisters that I have are not gonna be what you want, None of them is from Ilorin or that axis. In fact some are non Nigerians.

Now I will ask you this question
Will you consider yourself as a handsome guy? Do other people say you are sooo handsome? Remember Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. I ask this since beauty is an essential ingredient for you because you know that the beautiful person may also be seeking the like.

If your family has issues about Lagos sisters for instance, has it occured to you that the Northern (Fulani/Nupes) sisters' families may have issues with you being Ilorin Yoruba?

I disagree with you that money cannot win love. I can authoritatively speak on my Northern Muslim sisters ( the beautiful ones). If a girl is beautiful, even if from a poor family, she will marry up (financially) not down.

So in the case of ALY, I believe that you were outspent. I hope it doesn't sound harsh but that's my opinion. It is not easy to become non choosy overnight I am sure you'll find one or 2 useful points here.

After marriage, what is your aim?
A united family with many long happy years?
A short lived marriage but to a beauty queen?
A long lived marrigae plus misery because wife cannot stand hubby?

Prayer therefore is gonna supercede. Know though that no amount of planning can compare to 1 full day of marriage. You will work through your challenges (yes, challenges come with the package) and continue to seek guidance from Allah.

Sidenote: I have a half brother whose mother is from Ilorin. Herfamily took her back( My dad is Ibadan) and married her off to someone Ilorin). Green, blue, yellow, pink, or black sef, none of us know what he looks like. Hopefully, this tradition of tribe insistence will reduce in our ummah.

SWW Jarus and all,
I do not think it is haram for a Muslim man to make beauty one of the factors he likes to consider in a sister she wants to marry. When talking about the qualities that you should look for in the girl whom you choose to be your wife,, Shaikh Salih al-Munajid said,(among other things) " She should be beautiful because that will bring tranquillity to him and be more helpful in lowering the gaze and more likely to bring about love. "  What is wrong is to make beauty the most important condition.
It should, however be noted that when Islam enjoined making a good choice of husband and wife, the most important factors in choosing are good character and religious commitment. Narrated by al-Tirmidhi. And it is proven in al-Saheehayn and elsewhere from the hadeeth of Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Women may be married for four things: their wealth, their lineage, their beauty and their religious commitment. Choose the one who is religiously-committed, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may your prosper).”
Men choose women according to their own desires and traditions and customs, but his(SAW) advice to all men is to prefer the woman who is religiously committed and marry them, because in marrying such a woman there is a great deal of good which steps.the man will see in himself, his house and his children.  There is one VERY IMPORTANT step that Jarus missed out. That is the need for seeking divine guidance.  By your thinking, calculation, analysis and assessment, meeting a sister may be the best thing that has ever happened to your life,  but you may be wrong. Your analysis can only be based on what you heard or/and can see. There may be some hidden things about her which are not good for but known only to Allaah, hence the need Istikhaara even if you think she has everything you want in a sister. Jaabir ibn ‘Abd-Allaah al-Salami (may Allaah be pleased with him)  said:“The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to teach his companions to make istikhaarah(supplication for divine guidance) in all things, just as he used to teach them soorahs from the Qur’aan.

Jarus, make genuine efforts  and follow the correct steps and insha Allaah success will be yours

@Ayinba

how comes it is only Jarus being offrered Lagosboy sef dey here o , at least tribe or race no be wahala for me , u get chinko sista?

Lagosboy:

@Ayinba

how comes it is only Jarus being offrered Lagosboy sef dey here o , at least tribe or race no be wahala for me , u get chinko sista?

i get chinko cousins

Ayinba
is doing good

tamedo:

SWW Jarus and all,
I do not think it is haram for a Muslim man to make beauty one of the factors he likes to consider in a sister she wants to marry. When talking about the qualities that you should look for in the girl whom you choose to be your wife,, Shaikh Salih al-Munajid said,(among other things) " She should be beautiful because that will bring tranquillity to him and be more helpful in lowering the gaze and more likely to bring about love. "  What is wrong is to make beauty the most important condition.
It should, however be noted that when Islam enjoined making a good choice of husband and wife, the most important factors in choosing are good character and religious commitment. Narrated by al-Tirmidhi. And it is proven in al-Saheehayn and elsewhere from the hadeeth of Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Women may be married for four things: their wealth, their lineage, their beauty and their religious commitment. Choose the one who is religiously-committed, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may your prosper).”
Men choose women according to their own desires and traditions and customs, but his(SAW) advice to all men is to prefer the woman who is religiously committed and marry them, because in marrying such a woman there is a great deal of good which steps.the man will see in himself, his house and his children.  There is one VERY IMPORTANT step that Jarus missed out. That is the need for seeking divine guidance.  By your thinking, calculation, analysis and assessment, meeting a sister may be the best thing that has ever happened to your life,  but you may be wrong. Your analysis can only be based on what you heard or/and can see. There may be some hidden things about her which are not good for but known only to Allaah, hence the need Istikhaara even if you think she has everything you want in a sister. Jaabir ibn ‘Abd-Allaah al-Salami (may Allaah be pleased with him)  said:“The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to teach his companions to make istikhaarah(supplication for divine guidance) in all things, just as he used to teach them soorahs from the Qur’aan.

Jarus, make genuine efforts  and follow the correct steps and insha Allaah success will be you

Jazakallah bro , nice input.

Jarus , you have to spend several nights awake calling on your lord with utmost sincerity , listing the qualities you are looking for together with geunine reasons to match it. "tatajafaa junubuhum ani al mudoji'i yad'uno rabbakum khaofan wa tama'an " "Their sides forsake their beds at night calling on their lord in fear and hope . . . . " surah sajdah Q32

Dua is really ipmortant in this and like the sheikh said beauty is not a sin , even me sef want beauty queen    

mukina2:

i get chinko cousins

Ayinba
is doing good

Oya where them dey Beijing or xinchang province . . . . . . . chi kno hu hop fu yong hing . . . i am sure u understand what i am saying in chinese

Why u dey here sef Ayinba don sort you out na me remain.

na which kind gibberish be dat?

They are from near malay zone

Ayinba sort me out? where?

She don sort you out jare

Malay zone no bad as that na like downtown KL ok makei talk malay then . . . . .abu kabar, salamat pagi, salamat patang , tell them tirmakasi

Will you consider yourself as a handsome guy? Do other people say you are sooo handsome? Remember Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. I ask this since beauty is an essential ingredient for you because you know that the beautiful person may also be seeking the like.

LOL
I knew somebody will ask me this  . I'm not as handsome as David Beckham or those Fulani boys, but I'm not ugly. Ok, let me go quantitative and score myself 6.5/10 in handsomeness. I'm however a good dresser. Secondly, I have friends that are not more handsome than me but got very beautiful sisters. Honestly, I don't believe a man needs to be extremely handsome to hook a beautiful sister, once one doesn't have any physical deformity. And that Nupe queen, HM, would surely not have expressed her love for me if she wanted a man matches her beauty.

If your family has issues about Lagos sisters for instance, has it occured to you that the Northern (Fulani/Nupes) sisters' families may have issues with you being Ilorin Yoruba?

Exactly. In fact, more issues. But I was always ready to try my best(like daring to meet HM's aunty and family), but when my best does not yield the result, I bow out(like HM again) and accept Qadar.

I disagree with you that money cannot win love. I can authoritatively speak on my Northern Muslim sisters ( the beautiful ones). If a girl is beautiful, even if from a poor family, she will marry up (financially) not down.

I disagree again. From my experience, I stick to my belief that money cannot win love. If a lady doesn't love you, no matter how much you spend on her, she will not love you. There are exceptions of course, but I've seen enough to believe in thsi theory.

So in the case of ALY, I believe that you were outspent. I hope it doesn't sound harsh but that's my opinion. It is not easy to become non choosy overnight I am sure you'll find one or 2 useful points here.

No. Money was never the reason she left me for the Alhaji. It was more of her aversion for Yoruba men and her Mum not supporting me again(it led to little disagreement between both families-remember, they are our family friends). She told my sisters(who are her friends) that she can never marry a Yoruba, that the cultural thing is too much. But I thought her mind had changed when she accepted my proposal, but unknown to me, she was deceiving me and collecting my money. She exploited my false notion that money can make her love me, while actually loving the Hausa man who didn't spend on her. She actually doesn't have a good character, sincerely, because it's very hard for me to believe a serious Muslim lady, raised in the north for that matter(this my wrong notion has since been demystified) could be dating two different men, collecting money from one.

After marriage, what is your aim?
A united family with many long happy years?
A short lived marriage but to a beauty queen?
A long lived marrigae plus misery because wife cannot stand hubby?

A united family with many long happy years to a beauty lady(not nercessarily queen). It's very possible.

SWW Jarus and all,
Let me first say that you are not wrong by taking beauty as 1 of the factors to be considered for the one you want to marry. When Shaikh Salih al-Munajid was talking about the qualities a man should look for in the sister he wants to marry, he said(among other things) "she should be beautiful because that will bring tranquillity to him and be more helpful in lowering the gaze and more likely to bring about love." The important thing is that it is wrong for you to make beauty your highest priority.
When Islam enjoined making a good choice of husband and wife, the most important factor in choosing is good character and religious commitment.As narrated by al-Tirmidhi. And it is proven in al-Saheehayn and elsewhere from the hadeeth of Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Women may be married for four things: their wealth, their lineage, their beauty and their religious commitment. Choose the one who is religiously-committed, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may you prosper).”
Men choose women mainly according to their own desires , traditions, and customs, but his advice to all men is to look, as the highest priority, for the woman who is religiously committed and marry them, because in marrying such a woman there is a great deal of good which the man will see in himself, his house and his children.
Jarus, one very important step is missing in your actions. it is the quest for divine guidance. No matter how intelligent a person may be there is a limit to what he can know about the person he wants to marry or what may become of the relationship in the future. The only One that knows all these is Allaah(SWT). Even if you think you have seen everything you want in a sister, there is the need for you to do istikhaara for you want to go into a life-time contract. Jaabir ibn ‘Abd-Allaah al-Salami (may Allaah be pleased with him) said:“The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to teach his companions to make istikhaarah in all things, just as he used to teach them soorahs from the Qur’aan." However good a person may be, I make bold to say that the efficiency of his knowledge minus the sufficiency of Allaah's divine guidance will definately result in a defficiency.
To sum it up, my advice is that you create time to make proposals, consider only what Islam permites to be considered in a sister for marriage, seek Allaah's guidance and, insha Allaah success will be yours. May Allaah guide your steps.

tamedo:

SWW Jarus and all,
Let me first say that you are not wrong by taking beauty as 1 of the factors to be considered for the one you want to marry. When Shaikh Salih al-Munajid was talking about the qualities a man should look for in the sister he wants to marry, he said(among other things) "she should be beautiful because that will bring tranquillity to him and be more helpful in lowering the gaze and more likely to bring about love." The important thing is that it is wrong for you to make beauty your highest priority.
When Islam enjoined making a good choice of husband and wife, the most important factor in choosing is good character and religious commitment.As narrated by al-Tirmidhi. And it is proven in al-Saheehayn and elsewhere from the hadeeth of Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Women may be married for four things: their wealth, their lineage, their beauty and their religious commitment. Choose the one who is religiously-committed, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may you prosper).”
Men choose women mainly according to their own desires , traditions, and customs, but his advice to all men is to look, as the highest priority, for the woman who is religiously committed and marry them, because in marrying such a woman there is a great deal of good which the man will see in himself, his house and his children.
Jarus, one very important step is missing in your actions. it is the quest for divine guidance. No matter how intelligent a person may be there is a limit to what he can know about the person he wants to marry or what may become of the relationship in the future. The only One that knows all these is Allaah(SWT). Even if you think you have seen everything you want in a sister, there is the need for you to do istikhaara for you want to go into a life-time contract. Jaabir ibn ‘Abd-Allaah al-Salami (may Allaah be pleased with him) said:“The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to teach his companions to make istikhaarah in all things, just as he used to teach them soorahs from the Qur’aan." However good a person may be, I make bold to say that the efficiency of his knowledge minus the sufficiency of Allaah's divine guidance will definately result in a defficiency.
To sum it up, my advice is that you create time to make proposals, consider only what Islam permites to be considered in a sister for marriage, seek Allaah's guidance and, insha Allaah success will be yours. May Allaah guide your steps.

W/Salam Tamedo,
Honestly, I don't joke with prayers. I used to seek Allah's guidance in this marital issue, and in fact do istikhara when/before approaching any of them, and that is why if my efforts fail at last, I have a shock absorber in the fact that Allah has destined the lady is not mine. It is only human to make efforts, and get reasonably worried when it's not working. I have never faltered in my belief that whoever Allah destined for me will miss me.

A sister who doesn't want her name mentioned sent this:

sallama aleikum.my name is *****,i saw your thread on nairaland and i think i should share my worries with you guys.am in my early twenty and am engage to a guy and we are planning to get married in febuary.i always have this nitemare,that am getting married to someone else or carrying another man's baby.am very confused,i need prayers.thank you am waiting for your reply[size=12pt][/size].

Please and please, only very serious advice is needed. You can give your advice openly here but if you need to speak with the sister or send her an email, send me an email on jarusnairaland@yahoo.com and I will link you up with her.

Salam sister ****, I'm sorry I just got your message despite the fact that you had sent it since Monday.

Having read extensively on the subject Jinn and how they affect human life, especially women and children, and having spoken with Islamic scholars that deal with jinn in the light of Qur'an and Sunnah, I honestly think it is Jinn that is disturbing you.

I have heard directly from victim's mouth, from scholars that treated it and read from books similar cases. One of the treacheries of the evil Jinns is that they like to spoil homes and create enmity among loved ones. Let me narrate a case that happened somewhere in northern Nigeria few years ago:

The lady is a daughter of a popular rich man in the north. She was married to a Chartered Accountant. But almost every night she had nightmare, seeing her father romancing her and having sex with her. When later in the night, the husband approached her, she would have lost interest, already wet. The husband was worried and accused her of infidelity. Later the lady confessed to her husband what had been happening. They were confused. They approached an Islamic ustaz that is learned in Jinn issues(Pls note, not every Muslim ustaz deals with Jinn-it's a specialist field). To cut the long story short, the scholar, through application of the prophetic methodology for the treatment of Jinn affliction, wasa ble to cast the Jinn away. The Jinn confessed that it wanted to cause enmity/family division between the lady, her husband and her father. And truly, the lady could have thought her father was the actual person appearing to her and accost him and family vendetta arises. Meanwhile, the father was innocent, didn't knwo anything about it.

Go through this thread and read my expose on this same subject sometime ago: https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-209195.0.html

We will exchange further communication through the mail you sent to me and we may need to speak on phone, but in the mean time, let me offer the following advice:

-Always perform ablution before you sleep
-Recite Ayatul Kursiyyu, Suratul falaq and nas, and last two verses of Suratul baqarah before you sleep. It works great wonders.
-Keep away pictures of animate objects
-If there is anything fetish(like charm) in your house, pls destroy it(reciting Suratul falaq and nas while doing so)
-Don't joke with remembrance of Allah. Say your salats at their right times, do plenty nawafil
-Have strong faith and trust in Allah as the ultimate one that can cure you of this affliction

We will speak insha Allah.