We all know couples who are deeply dissatisfied with their marriages but stay together anyway. Certainly there are many reasons why these unhappy couples don’t simply cut their losses, end the relationship, and move on with their lives. But psychologists are still struggling to understand why some unhappy couples call it quits while others stick it out.

According to interdependence theory, each partner evaluates their satisfaction with the relationship by assessing costs and benefits. As long as perceived benefits outweigh perceived costs, you’re happy with your relationship.



For instance, your spouse may make a lot of demands on your time and resources but also gives back a lot in terms of meeting your needs. Or maybe your partner gives little but demands even less. Interdependence theory predicts you’ll be satisfied in either case. It’s only when perceived costs outweigh perceived benefits that your attitude toward your relationship sours.

We also need to keep in mind that relationships aren’t zero-sum games. If I only have apples and you only have oranges, one of my apples is worth far more to you than it is to me, and vice versa with your oranges. In the same way, we give our partners what they want, and in exchange they meet our needs. If we negotiate these exchanges well, we should both feel that we’ve gained more than we’ve given.

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Relationship satisfaction then leads to commitment, according to interdependence theory. More specifically, partners feel committed to their relation under the following conditions:

They’ve already invested heavily in the relationship, giving them the sense that the marriage must have some value.
They see no viable alternatives that are better than the current relationship.
They currently feel satisfied with the marriage.
Satisfaction with the relationship depends on a perception of net benefit, but more recent researchers have also begun to emphasize the role of personal standards. In modern Western culture, we want our partner to be both our lover and our best friend.

Not all societies view marriage this way. For example, Japanese wives often say they want their husbands to be “healthy and out of the house.” As long as he brings home a paycheck each month, Mrs. Tanaka doesn’t care what Mr. Tanaka does. Instead, she wants freedom to live her own life without her husband getting in the way. When marriages are arranged by parents, they’re viewed as strictly economic relationships, not affairs of the heart.

In a similar vein, couples in dysfunctional relationships may stick it out simply because their standards for marriage are low. For example, if you grew up in a family where abuse and neglect were the norm, you might just assume that’s the way all marriages are. And if you suffer from low self-esteem, you might even think you deserve the mistreatment your partner heaps on you.

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According to these researchers, commitment isn’t based on current level of satisfaction with the relationship, as interdependence theory predicts. Rather, it depends on the partner’s expected relationship satisfaction in the future. In other words, partners remain committed to their marriage because they believe the quality of the relationship will improve over time.

Take for instance the birth of the first child. Although it’s a time of joy for both parents, this positive experience is marred by negative outcomes such as reduction in intimacy and increased demands for time and resources. But couples remain committed to each other, not because they’re getting their needs met now but because they believe the relationship will be more satisfying later.

That dissatisfied feeling tells you to put more work into your marriage, not to find a way to leave your lover. In fact, just doing something to improve your relationship, such as devoting more time for your spouse or seeking marital therapy, can boost your expectation for happier marriage in the future, thus bolstering your commitment to work things out.

In hindsight, the idea that commitment is based on expectations for future happiness makes perfect sense. After all, we’re talking about long-term relationships, in which commitment is part of the bargain. A friends-with-benefits arrangement ends when the benefits stop. But we commit to a long-term relationship because we believe the good will outweigh the bad over the long haul.

Taking expectations into account, and not just current level of satisfaction, can help us understand why some people stay in unhappy marriages while others cut themselves free. The data that Baker and colleagues have collected seems to suggest the following trends:

People tend to leave unhappy marriages when (a) they expect the relationship will not improve, and (b)...
Continue reading: https://womenandmarriages.com/reasons-unhappy-couples-stay-together/

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