Heard in a primary school:

Teacher: Today children, we're going to talk about the origination of human beings. As you ALL know we human beings come from Adam and Eve and . . .
*interrupted by little Jim*

Jim: My dad said we originated fom the monkeys

Teacher: Jim that might be true, but we're not talking about your family right now

Tighten your seatbelts, this is a loooooooong one!!!!!!!!!


It was a quiet day in heaven and the angel on duty was getting bored and tired so he asked his secretary to call on him if anybody should show up.
      *15 mins. later*
Three guys were outside the gate quarreling over who should go in first, the secretary was getting frustrated so she had to go and get the angel on duty.
When he came out, he was like enough, now you in the red shirt come and tell me why you should go to heaven and not be thrown into hell.

The first guy: Well, i do think i deserve a place here in heaven, i just went through such a painful death. Welli live in the 25th flat of the town's longest building and i work in a factory and i usually leave my house with lunch pack. But today i forgot, because i overslept and was so stressed up, so i decided to go home for lunch. When i got home my wife was lying on the bed naked and her face looked as if she had just seen a ghost. So i understood that something fishy was going on, she had a man in the house. So i decided to find the bastard and teach him the lesson of his life. I looked everywhere, in the kitchen, bathroom, under the bed, in the wardrobes, anywhere you can think of . So i decided to go to the balcony and take a fresh breath since i was extremely exhausted, lo and behold i saw some fingers hanging from the veranda. I couldn't believe it. I started
stepping on his fingers to get him drop down from the height but he was so determined to hang on, i went in and brought a hammer,and was knockinfg the hammer on his fingers,and to my greatest pleasure he dropped but he still didn't die actually on his reaching the ground he was raising his hands to the sky mocking me so i went into the room and had to bring out my deep freezer and throw it down on him, finally i succeeded killing him but i had lost my breath after carrying the freezer so i dropped dead myself

Angel: oooh my son, come in come in, what a sad story.    NEXT

2nd guy:I don't know what i did to deserve such treatment. I live in the 24th flat of the town's longest building and i work as a nightsecurity in ony company like that, So i have to keep in shape. After sleeping, in the afternoon i usually wake up to do some stretchouts on my veranda, and my stretchouts sometimes consists of hanging from the veranda above my flat. This afternoon as i was doing my hanging workout, suddenly i felt someone tramping their foot on my fingers and i thought is this fellow crazy or something? the next  thing i knew the same fellow was knocking a hammer on my fingers so i couldn't hold out any longer so i had to drop down thinking it was my end.When i landed i noticed iwas still alive so i had to raise my hands to the sky and thank God, the next thing i saw was a huge deep freezer coming my way and that was the end of me can't believe people can be so cruel for no reason,

Angel: my gosh, this is the saddest story so far, come into heaven and rest.     Come over mr. last man

3rd guy: You see i've been jobless for the last 3yrs, so what i do is going home to ladies and having sex with them since that's the only thing that makes me feel better. But today's adventure cost me my life. I saw this very beautiful lady in town who invited me to her place to have some fun. So when we got to her home we jumped into the bed but before we could do anything her husband came in, being so confused i jumped into the deep freezer standing right out of the bedroom and it was freezing cold but i just had to wait until the guy had left, even though i was sure of catching pneumonia afterwards. Right from inside the freezer i could hear the guy so angry, raging about in search of me, All of a sudden it was quiet so i was relieved thinking the guy had given up and maybe was on his wasy out, the next thing i knew it felt like i was being carried. I got so scared, some 2mins later i landed with an outrageous BANG  and that was the end

Angel;: you sure have seen things, step into heaven

                                       THE END

A chinese guy called his boss ,,
Chinese guy: boss, i'm sick, i can't come to work today

Boss: Well, when i'm sick i have sex with my wife, you should try that,

                           An hour later the chinese guy called his boss back,

Chinese guy: boss, i'm better now, by the way you have a nice house!!!!!!!!

>This is a funny one,
>
>
>Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few
laughs?and
>drinks, one of them had to go to the?rest room. The ones who stayed
>behind
>began to talk about their kids?and their successes.
>
>The first guy says: I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and
>joy. He started working at a very successful company
>at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business
>Administration soon he was promoted and began to climb
>the corporate ladder becoming the General Manager and now he is
>the
>president of the company. He became so rich
>that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz for
>his
>birthday.
>
>
>The second guy says: Damn, that's terrific!! My son is also my
>pride
>and joy, I am very proud of him.
>He started working at a traveling agency for a very big airline.
>He
>went to flight school to become a
>pilot and also manage to become a partner in the company where he
>now owns the majority of the assets.
>He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet
>for
>his birthday.
>
>
>The third guy says: Well, well, well congratulations!! My son is
>also my pride and joy and he is also
>very rich. He studied in the best universities and became an
>Engineer. He started his own construction
>company and became very successful and a multimillionaire. He
>also
>gave away some thing very nice and expensive
>to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq ft
>mansion
>specially for his friend.
>
>
>The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the
>successes of theirs sons.
>The forth friend who earlier had gone to restroom returned and
>asked:
>What's going on, what are all the congratulations for?
>One of the three said: We were talking about the pride we feel
>for
>the successes of our sons.
>And then he asked, What about your son?
>
>The forth man replied: My son is Gay and he makes a living
>dancing
>as a stripper at a nightclub.
>
>The three friends said: What a shame that must be, that is
>horrible,
>what a disappointment you must feel.
>
>The forth man replied: No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my
>son and I love him just as well, he is my pride and joy.
>
>And he is very lucky too. Did you know that his birthday just
>passed
>and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq ft mansion, a
>brand
>new jet and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three
boyfriends.

> A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says,
"Well
> son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the
family,
> so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the
> money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of
your
> needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her
the
> Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now,
> think about that and see if that makes sense," So the little boy goes
off
> to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears
his
> baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the
baby
> has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his
parents'
> room, finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes
to
> the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeps in the keyhole
and
> sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to
bed.
> The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I
> understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son,
tell
> me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The
little boy
> replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the
> Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the
Future is
> in deep shit."

Great ones.
Read your profile.
Where have you been?

cuteass1:
>This is a funny one,
>
>
>Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few
laughs?and
>drinks, one of them had to go to the?rest room. The ones who stayed
>behind
>began to talk about their kids?and their successes.
>
>The first guy says: I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and
>joy. He started working at a very successful company
>at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business
>Administration soon he was promoted and began to climb
>the corporate ladder becoming the General Manager and now he is
>the
>president of the company. He became so rich
>that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz for
>his
>birthday.
>
>
>The second guy says: Damn, that's terrific!! My son is also my
>pride
>and joy, I am very proud of him.
>He started working at a traveling agency for a very big airline.
>He
>went to flight school to become a
>pilot and also manage to become a partner in the company where he
>now owns the majority of the assets.
>He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet
>for
>his birthday.
>
>
>The third guy says: Well, well, well congratulations!! My son is
>also my pride and joy and he is also
>very rich. He studied in the best universities and became an
>Engineer. He started his own construction
>company and became very successful and a multimillionaire. He
>also
>gave away some thing very nice and expensive
>to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq ft
>mansion
>specially for his friend.
>
>
>The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the
>successes of theirs sons.
>The forth friend who earlier had gone to restroom returned and
>asked:
>What's going on, what are all the congratulations for?
>One of the three said: We were talking about the pride we feel
>for
>the successes of our sons.
>And then he asked, What about your son?
>
>The forth man replied: My son is Gay and he makes a living
>dancing
>as a stripper at a nightclub.
>
>The three friends said: What a shame that must be, that is
>horrible,
>what a disappointment you must feel.
>
>The forth man replied: No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my
>son and I love him just as well, he is my pride and joy.
>
>And he is very lucky too. Did you know that his birthday just
>passed
>and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq ft mansion, a
>brand
>new jet and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three
boyfriends.

Great ones.
Read your profile.
Where have you been?