Hi everyone, I'm new to this,so please bear with me. I'm first amongst 5 siblings and leave in the united states. I left Nigeria over 20 years ago with my mother to attend school . My siblings were quite young when I left and on reaching the US, life was not as easy as I'd fantasised. Mum worked all hours(she was a doctor), and she sent most of the money back to Nigeria. It was pretty lonely here for a while, I mean , imagine a teenager trying to make friends all over again, with my African accent. Well, I looked forward to the day my siblings will join me,  before the days of the mobile handset, mum will always tell me about how my siblings were doing in Nigeria, she was the central hub for information and I couldn't wait for them. It happened one day that they finally arrived, it was fun and exciting, then after a while, it became obvious that they felt as if the world owed them an they had their own agenda, mum owed them for leaving,I owed them as the eldest, mum also paid attention to some "pastors" and fear was rife, fear of the unknown, it was hard to trust anyone, because these "pastors" seemed to accuse people at random,  well,  my mum passed away and we are all now living with unresolved issues, before mum passed , she spent a lot of time complaining about my siblings and their attitudes to life,  and she complained about me to them as well, one of them chooses not to work, as she cant be seen doing menial jobs,  however I'm expected to sustain them, even though I have my own family, I have a 2 year old child and I dont want to sustain this circle of sibling rivalry,  i have noticed that the same issues affecting my sibling and I were the same between our parents and their siblings, there is a lot of mistrust and I cannot comform to a mentality that believes that the eldest should serve the younger no matter what. The agba mentality,

How old are your siblings

I don't subscribe to the 'Agba mentality' of Yoruba culture.

I'm also the first child and I do support my parents effort by helping my younger ones but not at the expense of my family or my own life

I'd advise you try to mend fences with your siblings, help them if you could and live your life to the fullest!

Outstrip:

How old are your siblings

They must all be over 20, since he left Nigeria with his mum over twenty years ago, when she left those kids behind in Nigeria.

they are all over 20 now, she was regularly in touch with them. sending money and clothes etc. She had to leave Nigeria as things were getting tough so she and dad came to that arrangement, its just that my siblings still have that mentality that we had back in Nigeria especially with regards to finances and managing their lifestyle. Its so different here, there are so many bills to pay here, by the time you are done , you cant even do anything tangible, they think its like Nigeria, they expect regular income from me, the thing is that they have been so disrespectful, they feel like they know best, they believe that if they are in trouble I should even borrow to bail them out, one if suggested that I delay my mortgage payments to help them out of a fix, I didn't tell my wife this, when mum was alive, I always complained of their attitude, its just a bit hard to swallow, all that time growing up here, sometimes sacrificing on luxuries, just so that they are happy in Nigeria, now they are here, they dont want to grow up, mum has passed now and the youngest actually believes its my wifes and Is duty to support her. They want support, but they are not willing to put in the time to gain it, since I left home, not one of them has called to ever ask me,how Im doing, how life is? However, I do get a phone call if they need assistance, if we weren't related, I would have cut my losses and moved on, find it hard to emotionally relate to them, they have caused so much hurt that I'm tired of speaking, I guess they have things to say about me as well, the last time we go together so I could understand what they want, I was told that I have become westernised and that nothing should be more important than them (Im married with one child). My wife tries to understand but I know it must be hard for her,

its either you set the boundaries here or they will continue and never stop lynching on you. it might be hard for you at first however, you have to realize that if you continue playing along with their request, it will more harder for you to stop and they will continue playing on your emotions.

yes, they are your siblings but they are old enough to be responsible for their own well being. you now have a family of your own, who probably needs your attention most. if you definitely continue like this, it will most likely put a string on your marriage because your wife will definitely must have had enough of them.

So I am assuming you live in the US or UK. Why are you still responsible for them financially. You obviously have some guilt. Get rid of the guilt and enjoy your life. You don't owe anybody anything

Its true about boundaries. I have already put this up and im starting to understand why I feel the way I do. Guilt has played a major part, there were so many things I wanted to do for mum before she passed, never got to do them, and I don't think she even realised that I wanted to, she seemed to be on their side most of the time, I guess she felt a bit guilty for leaving them and she blamed herself for the way that they started behaving, I found it hard to understand, she'd always say to me, "you don't understand, im a parent", it was so exasperating, my anger just kept on welling, mum and siblings, and when she passed away, these issues remained unresolved, I'm starting to unravel my emotions, and I just want to press forward, they even tried to blame my wife for the gulf that exists between us, not realising that it is their own selfish ways that's causing issues, I truly believed that if each member of the family worked together, supported each other regardless of position, we would all prosper, how wrong was my dream eh I thought its not all about money, there are many things we could exchange, but as they continue to show money, it is money and position that they respect, however Im not willing to be used in this way as I believe that they need to grow up and see the world for what it is,