I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers..

And they smoke like their ancestors

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes ten years in a row.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the 'John' and renamed it the 'Jim'. I feel so much better saying "I went to the Jim this morning".

Old age is coming at a really bad time. When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."



I don't have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights" I'm just very wise.

Don't ever ask me to bend down and touch my toes. If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.



Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators We haven't met yet.

Of course, I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

U Funny like die
correct guy

Interesting..

yesterday i went and visited a friend in a psychatric hospital
he was sitting in a room reading, and i saw another man hanging from the ceiling
with the light cord tied around his neck

i said to my friend, look!
and he said: oh that's fred, he thinks he is a light bulb

i said well shouldn't you get him down before he hurts himself
and my friend replied: what!, and read in the dark

When I die, I want to go like my Grandfather did, in his sleep...... Not screaming like the passengers in his plane.