If you get along great with your mother-in-law, then I’m really happy for you. Actually, if I’m being honest, I'm only 60% happy for you and 40% jealous. There are a lot of women who love their husband’s mother because she is kind, considerate, and unassuming. Unfortunately there are many of us with controlling mothers-in-law who believe the world –and everyone in it– should revolve around them.

My husband's mom isn’t my best friend, but my relationship with her is better now than it was when I married her son 14 years ago. That’s because I learned how to change my behavior in order to bring out the best in her, and it worked. You’ll never see us skipping around holding hands, but we treat each other with respect.

Here are 5 tips for bringing out the best in your mother-in-law.

1. Realize that each of you have different expectations about your relationship. She may want you to be the daughter she never had, yet you feel smothered by her constant phone calls and visits. Or the opposite may be true; you may want to have a closer relationship with her than she wants with you. She may want to visit the grandkids more often than you’d like, or you may be hurt because she doesn’t want to see them more frequently. Just because you have different expectations doesn't mean either of you are wrong. Try to meet in the middle.

2. Behave as a confident adult on an equal level to her. If you behave as a confident adult, then your mother-in-law will likely treat you as one. Many women refer to their mother-in-law as “Mom” or “Mrs. ______” and have a wonderful relationship with her. However, if you have a dominant, controlling mother-in-law, then calling her “Mom” or “Mrs. ______” may put you in an inferior position. Another way to behave as a confident adult is to respond to her comments in a mature manner instead of getting defensive or giving excuses for your actions. If she criticizes the way you raise your kids, just say something like, “You're entitled to your opinion, but I've decided to do it this way instead.”

3. Communicate honestly with her (but not so honestly that you call her a witch). Rather than gossiping to your husband or your own mom, speak directly with your mother-in-law to work out disagreements. Before you talk to her, it might be a good idea to vent your feelings to a counselor or on-line daughter-in-law support group. That way you have a better chance of remaining in control of your emotions rather than throwing eggs at her.

4. Be assertive and enforce boundaries as needed. If you don't like it when your mother-in-law shows up uninvited, calls 24/7, and criticizes the way you raise your kids, then it’s better to draw boundaries than to grow resentful toward her. For example, let’s say you ask your mother-in-law to call first rather than drop by unexpectedly. (Some daughters-in-law don’t mind if their in-laws show up unexpectedly, so don’t assume your mother-in-law knows your preferences.) You can’t change your mother-in-law's behavior, but you can change your own by not answering the door. (It’s not any more rude for you to ignore the doorbell than it is for her to drop by unexpectedly after you’ve made it clear you want her to call first.) Eventually she will realize it’s best to call before stopping by, and then you won’t resent her for ignoring your needs. Ideally you and your husband should be united as a couple in drawing boundaries; however, it may be necessary for you to do it alone until you have gained his loyalty. Keep in mind that you can’t control his behavior; don’t be surprised when he answers the door for his uninvited mother even after you’ve drawn a boundary with her. You can only control your own behavior.

5. Treat your mother-in-law the way you’d want your husband to treat your mother. If your husband wanted to draw a boundary with your own mother, how would you want him to treat her? Would you want him to be arrogant and insulting? Or would you want him to be respectful and mature? If you treat your husband’s mom the way you’d want him to treat your mom, then there’s an added bonus of gaining the respect of your husband.

The main reason many women don’t get along well with their mother-in-law is because they feel the constant need to compete with each other for the affection and attention of the same guy. Both you and your mother-in-law are probably contributing to the problem, but your husband is actually the one whose behavior plays a key role in whether or not you and his get along with each other. He has the power to eliminate the need for a competition by making it clear to everyone that you are the most important woman in his life.

On your wedding day, your groom was supposed to transfer his loyalty from his parents to you. In other words, your needs should have become a priority over his mom’s needs. A mother with healthy behavior will gracefully step aside and encourage her son to make his bride his first priority. Your husband’s mother, however, may have made the transition difficult by manipulating him with guilt whenever he tried to make you his first priority. It is possible to gain your husband’s loyalty, and I encourage you to focus on that. In the meantime, make changes in your own behavior and hopefully your husband and his mother will follow your example.

What is your take on a mother-in-law that promised her sons she will be a good mother-in-law to their wifes if they (wifes) agree? to me it takes two to tangle. many intending daughters-in-law are already planning to out do the old woman. many spinsters have not seen or know the old woman but are strategizing to kill her.

I wonder why pple esp ladies are not posting replies to this good piece!

[b]This is coming late and that's because I'm just seeing the above mentioned topic,
@OP
here is my 20kobo oh,


It is not possible for every daughter in-law in the world to have a fantastic relationship wiv their MIL,
Even if you can not use all the negative or positive adjectives in the dictionary to qualify your mother in-law(MIL) just give her her respect,give her her space,mind your business,be liberal at all time,talk less and listen more,[s]don't allow yourself to be used to fight anyone's war([/s]whatever that means),be contented with what you have(which whether you like it or not will be tagged arrogance-but who cares,its sha better than being labelled a "barrah" ,be at peace with yourself,be calm,
let curses ,lies and insults pass over your head,do not share secrets(for it may be used to insult you [s]and sadly as painful as it maybe you can not retaliate)
[/s]and

you'll just be fine.
Sadly this is more or less suggesting you play the mumu
but it pays
works for me .[/b]

I think this recipe would rather be a disaster for most wife's. Ask your mother-in-law to call before she comes   
I think most men would not accept that. That could bring a real problem between husband and wife in Nigeria.
I too would be totally offended if my husband said such a thing to my mother. The same goes to the reaction when the mother-in-law makes a comment on raising the kids.
And that advise of not opening the door that is simply mean. no it`s wicked and could lead to a break-up of the marriage in the long run.
Please ladies this advice is no good.

mutter:

I think this recipe would rather be a disaster for most wife's. Ask your mother-in-law to call before she comes   
I think most men would not accept that. That could bring a real problem between husband and wife in Nigeria.
I too would be totally offended if my husband said such a thing to my mother. The same goes to the reaction when the mother-in-law makes a comment on raising the kids.
And that advise of not opening the door that is simply mean. no it`s wicked and could lead to a break-up of the marriage in the long run.
Please ladies this advice is no good.

yeb cos i wont accept that too.

I havent got any experience with mother-in-laws yet but i wld assume my soon to be mother-in-law sounds nice on the phone sha but i have got a lot of experience from my brothers and their wives and my very lucky sister whose mother-in-law died since infinity. i really think like the poster before me rightly said its a recipe for disaster cos put yourself in your mother-in-law's shoes and see if you wld like anyone to speak to you like that particularly taking into consideration our culture, moreso think abt someone speaking to your mum like that, i wld go into a rage and almost want to kill the person lols.

I think in the interest of peace diplomacy wld do and just develop a culture of having things planned for the weekend and do the visit more and try and not stay too close to your in laws cos for talk sakes if i was leaving in lagos and my in laws leave in ibadan imagine them coming without a call thats an impossibility cos they dnt want to come to our absence. well i can understand there are some ppl who arent as fortunate to stay far from inlaws but i guess in the end is just getting a hand of the situation and finding out what works best for your relationship with your mother-in-law cos if you treat a guys mum with blatant disrespect your auctioning your marriage away.

I don't know where you got these advise. If you try them on my mum, any of them, she will become ur worst nightmare. Refuse to use mum or mrs on my mum? she will definitely put you in ur proper place

Great jist.
But be financially empowered.
Join manaconnect.
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@chaircover you might discover yourself more on your knees than standing in such a case but being disrespectful only aggravates the situation. Even though I never had a mil my ex had sisters that were old enough to be his mother and they put me through a hard test.
I never knew that people could be so mean. They kept me crawling on my knees permanently when they were around,  my ex would even give me their cloths to wash and iron and very soon that became a habit and my in- laws would throw their cloths on the floor at my feet for me to wash. My sisters in law came to visit the first time and after I served my husband food and went to the room he came after  me dragged me and slapped him for disgracing him. How could I have insulted him by not serving him his food on my knees in front of his sisters!! His sisters demanded this of me.  I never once answered them back because I knew that would make the situation worse.Once my ex was posted abroad ,the inlaws came to the house and carried everything from the cars to the television, blender. I just stood there watching them, when he got back he asked me why I had not stopped them but how could I have they would have finished me.

WTF?

[img]http://2.s04.flagcounter.com/count/3DIf/bg=FFFFFF/txt=FFFFFF/border=FFFFFF/columns=1/maxflags=1/viewers=3/labels=0/[/img][img]http://s04.flagcounter.com/count/3DIf/bg=FFFFFF/txt=FFFFFF/border=FFFFFF/columns=1/maxflags=1/viewers=3/labels=0/[/img]

Try to watch "Everybody Love Raymond". Where MIL leaves across the road.

.

Study your mother-in-law and see how you can get the best out of them

Yes, UR In-laws should be treated as your own family, unless of course there is good reason to believe that they have not treated you back same way, Accept your MIL with an open heart. Of course we are called to be wise, if she constantly tries to berate you, then know that she is not the sort of person to tell secrets to cause they will def. be used against you,
See how she behaves towards you then you know whether you treat her as a "mummy", or just respect her as your husband's Mum,

Most girls go into marriage being defensive and ready to engage their mother in law already.

Give the woman the same respect you would give your own mom.

If you respect your husband, then you should respect his mother much more.

Most time if you decide to have peace and are ready to, You would

@chaircover, i understood you very well. I did put it in prayer but there was little hope. My inlaws could not communicate with me because there was a language barrier. They did not want to accept me because I was from a different tribe and I guess they just wanted to find a reason to justify their being against me. Over the years I have received so many apologies, but God knows I have forgiven them.
I never got into any wars because I would never dare to disrespect my in laws. It would also hurt me terribly if my husband did that to my family.

maintaining the balance of equilibrum is very inportant , between both parties ,

dayokanu:

Most girls go into marriage being defensive and ready to engage their mother in law already.

Give the woman the same respect you would give your own mom.

If you respect your husband, then you should respect his mother much more.

Most time if you decide to have peace and are ready to, You would

^^^^^* well said

as for me, my MIL is ok for now.

Most girls go into marriage being defensive and ready to engage their mother in law already.

Give the woman the same respect you would give your own mom.

If you respect your husband, then you should respect his mother much more.

Most time if you decide to have peace and are ready to, You would


[color=#990000][/color]


GBAM

@poster
Your advise is totally off the point.
Will you allowed yourself to be so treated by your son's wife?

Your mother in law is not your mate to start with, she may even be older than your own mum who i suppose you respect so much .

Treat your mother in law the way you treat your own mum and most especially your own daughter in laws to be

Lest i forget, it is not easy for a woman to forget or detatch herslf away completely from any of her children esp when she feels her daughter in law is not respectful or caring enough.

Just go in with an open mind. Even if as personalities go, you guys can never mix, just do what you have to do, pretend if needs be, just to maintain peace in the home. Just because you gave birth to someone, does not mean you can dictate the marriage aspect of their lives. Sadly, mothers-in-law do not understand this.

iphy42:

Most girls go into marriage being defensive and ready to engage their mother in law already.

Give the woman the same respect you would give your own mom.

If you respect your husband, then you should respect his mother much more.

Most time if you decide to have peace and are ready to, You would


[color=#990000][/color]


GBAM

@poster
Your advise is totally off the point.
Will you allowed yourself to be so treated by your son's wife?

Your mother in law is not your mate to start with, she may even be older than your own mum who i suppose you respect so much .

Treat your mother in law the way you treat your own mum and most especially your own daughter in laws to be

Lest i forget, it is not easy for a woman to forget or detatch herslf away completely from any of her children esp when she feels her daughter in law is not respectful or caring enough.

what are you talking about

who said anything about disrespecting MIL

mutter:

@chaircover you might discover yourself more on your knees than standing in such a case but being disrespectful only aggravates the situation. Even though I never had a mil my ex had sisters that were old enough to be his mother and they put me through a hard test.
I never knew that people could be so mean. They kept me crawling on my knees permanently when they were around,  my ex would even give me their cloths to wash and iron and very soon that became a habit and my in- laws would throw their cloths on the floor at my feet for me to wash. My sisters in law came to visit the first time and after I served my husband food and went to the room he came after  me dragged me and slapped him for disgracing him. How could I have insulted him by not serving him his food on my knees in front of his sisters!! His sisters demanded this of me.  I never once answered them back because I knew that would make the situation worse.Once my ex was posted abroad ,the inlaws came to the house and carried everything from the cars to the television, blender. I just stood there watching them, when he got back he asked me why I had not stopped them but how could I have they would have finished me.

wow talk about an abusive relationship. you allowed your inlaws to carry the cars and television from the house. I hope you don't have kids from this savage of a family

Ladies,whatever you do,remember you're gonna be a MIL someday.
Thank God men don't have these challenges.

what are you talking about

who said anything about disrespecting MIL

what do you mean by these

Be assertive and enforce boundaries as needed. If you don't like it when your mother-in-law shows up uninvited, calls 24/7, and criticizes the way you raise your kids, then it’s better to draw boundaries than to grow resentful toward her. For example, let’s say you ask your mother-in-law to call first rather than drop by unexpectedly. (Some daughters-in-law don’t mind if their in-laws show up unexpectedly, so don’t assume your mother-in-law knows your preferences.) You can’t change your mother-in-law's behavior, but you can change your own by not answering the door. (It’s not any more rude for you to ignore the doorbell than it is for her to drop by unexpectedly after you’ve made it clear you want her to call first.) Eventually she will realize it’s best to call before stopping by, and then you won’t resent her for ignoring your needs. Ideally you and your husband should be united as a couple in drawing boundaries; however, it may be necessary for you to do it alone until you have gained his loyalty. Keep in mind that you can’t control his behavior; don’t be surprised when he answers the door for his uninvited mother even after you’ve drawn a boundary with her. You can only control your own behavior.

.

and this

However, if you have a dominant, controlling mother-in-law, then calling her “Mom” or “Mrs. ______” may put you in an inferior position

In Africa both are disrespectful behaviours. If you were a woman (with sons) you will understand better

is this post meant to be a joke with all the advice?

lol refusing 2 call ur mother-in-law mum.then wat will u call her? Mummy tunji, abi u berra dnt try it.

kenerep:

is this post meant to be a joke with all the advice?

its definately a joke cos none of the advice is gonna work but to cause kasala in d home

aieromon:

Ladies,whatever you do,remember you're gonna be a MIL someday.
Thank God men don't have these challenges.

nat only the ladies! well the truth is that u knw ur mom's behavior, and u are in the best position to teach ur wife on how to relate with her! its best if ur mum is nat staying wiv u, cuz there will be a who is in charge whahala she will be like my son only cares about his wife blahblah,

the ladies shuld nat consider them as a monster cuz if u du! u wont last i bet u! he is her son! put it at the back of yur mind!

Kayus43:

lol refusing 2 call your mother-in-law mum.then wat will u call her? Mummy tunji, abi u berra dnt try it.

"mother" = mum or mama(if your nat comfortable) thats what ur to call her!


if u dont get along wiv you mother in law, she will be raining curses on you when ur nat there

Refuse my mother entering into my house in my absence (of course) and you would follow her when I return, what nonsense, my mother?! WHAT THE F, CK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!