You know how when you are about to buy a second-hand product – like a phone or a TV – you ask the seller what’s wrong with it (because the assumption in Nigeria is that nobody ever wants to sell something that still works fine, not even, I don’t know, if the person just wants to raise money to buy something better). Well, when it comes to those yellow and black buses that ply Lagos state roads, popularly known as Danfos, the opposite question is what you should ask – what actually works? The average Danfo has fewer things working than the Kardashians have Ph.Ds. So let’s see, on the average Danfo, what actually works?

The Engine: You would assume that, at least for a vehicle transporting people from one point to another, the engine should at the very least work – and you would be right, at least till you’re stuck on third mainland bridge with the conductor trying to flag down passing vehicles. The average Danfo’s engine is louder than Terry G on coke and steroids so much so that even if you are using earphones on the loudest volume, you might not be able to hear yourself think. Even when the Danfo’s engine works, it seems like 75% of it’s ability to work is dependent on the driver’s willpower and not because the darn thing really is still very functional. And to make matters worse, the smoke – oh, the smoke. Drive behind some Danfos and you’ll be convinced you’ve crossed hell’s border. You know what next you shouldn’t trust after constant power supply in Lagos? A danfo’s engine.

https://wakaboutchronicles./2018/06/24/what-works-in-a-danfo/

Headlamps/Headlights: Considering most Danfos work till pretty late, the expectation would be that the headlamps would be functional. Hah, you wish! Sometimes, you would be lucky and both would be functional. Other times only one out of the two would work. Worse still are when both lights are not working and the conductor has to use a flashlight to alert other vehicles and pedestrians that the Danfo is approaching. Or when the lights are so dim, it would be much more functional to light a candle in front of the bus. Even more interesting is that these vehicles never get impounded somehow. I wonder why…

Turn Signals/Blinkers (Known as Trafficators to Nigerians): So you’re driving behind this Danfo and you intend to go straight ahead, thinking the Danfo is heading in the same direction. Suddenly, the Danfo veers left or right and you have to slam on the brakes to avoid smashing into the side of a vehicle whose driver would only beg you to forgive him and tell you about his two wives and thirteen children. Congratulations, you have just encountered the Danfo without a turn signal! It’s funny how common this is, to the point that most Lagosians now drive some distance behind Danfos just in case their turn signals aren’t functional, y’know to avoid stories that touch. Again, still a wonder how the combined forces of the traffic police, LASTMA and FRSC miss them but hey, it’s Nigeria.

Brake Lights: Almost the same story as the turn signals – drive some distance behind for your personal safety. A lot of Danfos don’t have functional brake lights so you wouldn’t even know when they are slowing down except you’ve been driving in Lagos for a while and you’ve learnt to be perceptive about these things. You see a Danfo with functional brake lights, salute that driver for having something most of his mates don’t.

Everything on the dashboard: For those who don’t know, the only way most Danfo drivers know they are over-speeding is from how fast the things around them are moving past – I know, what are speedometers there for. Alas, the average Danfo’s speedometer has not worked since like 1992. Fuel gauge? They only know the bus is low on fuel when it suddenly stops on the express. Engine heat level? What’s that? Oil gauge? Also when the bus stops moving between two distant bus stops – even worse if it’s going interstate. Dashboard back-light? What’s the point of it if none of the gauges is working? I personally did a small study on how many Danfos have the gauges on their dashboards functional and I’m yet to find one. Actually, one thing does work – the small digital clock….which is almost never right.

Mirrors: A friend and I were once driving behind a Danfo which was moving pretty slowly so my friend decided to overtake the bus as we were running rather late. However, just as our car was about to inching to the side of the bus, it suddenly swerved in our direction, nearly forcing us off the road. After the usual “blood of Jesus”‘ and insulting the driver, I asked aloud, “Didn’t he look at the….” I broke off. There were no mirrors anywhere on or in the Danfo – not the wing mirrors (or side mirrors as we know them here) or the rear-view mirror. The funny part is that even when Danfos have them, the drivers rarely ever use them, relying instead on the conductor to shout “watch your side oh”. One heck of a system, I tell you.

Interior Light: Are you joking? There’s a better chance of Peru winning the 2018 FIFA World Cup than finding a Danfo with functional interior lights. Don’t get me wrong, there is an interior light in a good number of those buses – just not the one that was installed when the bus was manufactured….and usually not even in the position where it’s supposed to be. Except a bulb connected to two naked wires (and leaving at least one passenger in mortal terror of getting an electric shock) counts as interior lights, then no, most of the interior lights in Danfos don’t work.

The Doors: Danfo doors are made for the strong. Most times, if you find yourself beside a door and you have to open it for other passengers to embark or disembark, you’ll find yourself doing a combination of the world’s strongest man contest and nuclear physics – because opening the doors are never straightforward. You’ll usually have to push something while pulling something else then kicking some other thing to get the doors to open. Trust me, it’s easier to get good network service on Glo than to open a Danfo’s door. Let’s not even talk about when the door suddenly falls off when the Danfo is on top speed, leaving drivers behind swerving to dodge the careening door like a live action Mario Kart game.

Air Conditioner: Hahahahahaha. Moving on…

Radio: Now this is the one thing you’re very likely to find working in most Danfos. Danfo drivers seemingly can’t do without their Davidos, Wizkids, Fujis, Highlifes and cringe-inducing Igbo gospel music and so they make sure the radio is in top shape at all times. Of course, there’ a very strong chance that the radios or music players you see in any Danfo are not the ones that were installed by the manufacturers. Either way, the engine might not work, the Danfo might be hotter than Nebuchadnezzar’s furnace and there’s the very real chance that another car might slam into the Danfo you’re in at any time but one thing you can be certain of is that you’ll be entertained.

So that's my list. Feel free to add yours!

https://wakaboutchronicles./2018/06/24/what-works-in-a-danfo/

cc: lalasticlala

Lol, missed you bro

Danfo and their drivers and conductors are in a wierd world of their own in lagos metropolis

ITbomb:
Lol, missed you bro

Hehe, good to be back