Hi all, Am a Nigerian woman and am married.I believe I will be in a better position to answer all questions about marriage. what you need to know before entering and what does happen after the honeymoon period?


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Why is there soooooo much infidelity amongst married women IN Nigeria?
Please, this question is about married Nigerian WOMEN, and NOT men.

Hi romeo, As you know technology is now the norm of society.Traditional values have drastically watered down that women now feel that whatever a man can do a woman can as well do if not better.

When he cheats, why shouldn't i she may tell herself. Likewise maybe the other guy has something she considers better from that of her man e.g wealth,looks,sexual prowess e.t.c.

Before its a man's place to cheat but now the society is also so individualistic that no body might actually care, while some will say he deserves to be cheated on which is unlike our grandmothers of old.

In all she that cheats has herself to BLAME as the man or children involved does not 4give as the women might.

ask me more!!!!

hi i am a english women who has been with a nigerian man 4 4 years now and have just had my second baby girl.
i recently just found out he had cheated on me 2 years ago, tht i no!!!
his excuse/reason was tht we had a argument and he was just driving round and ended up at his exs house, who has his son.
i belive the only reason he has told me is because his infidelity may have resulted in a child, the girl now has a 14month baby girl,
hes reaction to this possibility is tht he will NEVA accept that child and no1 can ever make him love that child,
i wonder how he will maintain a relationship with his son and ignore this girl if it turns out to be his,
he has told the girl if she tries to force this child on him he will walk away from his son,
i am obviosly devastated about this situation as i thought he was changed man, he used to play around before we got 2geather and is very good lier,
over the 4 years though we have grew much closer,
he explained to my mum tht he was very happy as in the past year or so we have much more understanding and do not argue like we used to,
i dont belive that he only slept wit her once and fear somthing has been going on, but he clearly duz not want a relationship wit this girl, so wot is it, just sex, is it because his son is there,
he has asked me to please try again with me so he can prove to me and try to rebuild trust,
wot i am getting at is how can i ensure he wont cheat again, just dont wana be fooled by this guy, i love him very much and he looks after me and my children very well.
we are very good 2geather but fear this betrayel will lead to us falling apart and my trust in him is now gone,
we are engaged to be married but no plans as yet, any advice for me as you might no the mind of these nigerian men better than i do

hi i am a english women who has been with a nigerian man 4 4 years now and have just had my second baby girl.
i recently just found out he had cheated on me 2 years ago, tht i no!!!
his excuse/reason was tht we had a argument and he was just driving round and ended up at his exs house, who has his son.
i belive the only reason he has told me is because his infidelity may have resulted in a child, the girl now has a 14month baby girl,
hes reaction to this possibility is tht he will NEVA accept that child and no1 can ever make him love that child,
i wonder how he will maintain a relationship with his son and ignore this girl if it turns out to be his,
he has told the girl if she tries to force this child on him he will walk away from his son,
i am obviosly devastated about this situation as i thought he was changed man, he used to play around before we got 2geather and is very good lier,
over the 4 years though we have grew much closer,
he explained to my mum tht he was very happy as in the past year or so we have much more understanding and do not argue like we used to,
i dont belive that he only slept wit her once and fear somthing has been going on, but he clearly duz not want a relationship wit this girl, so wot is it, just sex, is it because his son is there,
he has asked me to please try again with me so he can prove to me and try to rebuild trust,
wot i am getting at is how can i ensure he wont cheat again, just dont wana be fooled by this guy, i love him very much and he looks after me and my children very well.
we are very good 2geather but fear this betrayel will lead to us falling apart and my trust in him is now gone,
we are engaged to be married but no plans as yet, any advice for me as you might no the mind of these nigerian men better than i do

How do you think Infertility has affect marriages in Nigeria?

@ manc*chic
Wow! After a 2nd child u guys ain't yet married? Men I think something is wrong with that. Is he afraid of commitment or what?

@sheguru
In ur opinion what frequency of love making is necessary to keep couples from getting sexually bored in a marriage?

Please how did you know your husband was the "one" did you have a tingy feeling in your heart or did you pray and God told you he's "the one"
I would love to know as well as the main qualities one should look out for before saying "I do"

@ manc*chic
Wow! After a 2nd child u guys ain't yet married? Men I think something is wrong with that. Is he afraid of commitment or what?

to be honest i dont no y we have not yet married, i suppose we got comfortable with how tings were,
wot do u tink about the rest of the situation though, in ur opinion duz a man like tht ever change or what?
just dont wana waste any more time on ths guy if he will only mess about in future,

well, , i think u guys should really sit and talk things out and if possible, a dna test should be carried out on the baby to be on the safer side. i wish u all the best. good lucks

@man*chic -

Any man that refuses to marry a woman that he is living with, whilst prepared to have 2 kids with her, is clearly irresponsible. This does not mean he is not a good man, but it means he is not prepared to accept and take on the mantle of responsibility that a marriage warrants.

Further proof of his irresponsibility is his decision NOT to accept or love a child that he has acknowledges as his own, and his willingness to throw away the existing relationship he has with his son if the Ex tries to make him have a relationship with the baby daughter. Does that even begin to make any sense? That is really the height of irresponsibility.

He is definitely not a changed person. He has always been self centred and conceited. You are correct in saying that the only reason he has come clean was because he was rumbled. He has been having a covert relationship with the Ex, using the son as a cover. He is now pissed off with the Ex because she got pregnant, and his shenanigans has been found out. His insistence that he will have nothing to do the the baby girl is his way of punishing the Ex - as a child was NOT part of the plan. If the status quo remains, he will most probably cheat on you again. He always has - you just happened to catch him this time.

On the issue of the open-ended engagement, with no timescale for marriage, i blame you. It is YOUR responsibility as a woman to ensure that you do not have or keep having children for a man that is not prepared to marry you. I suspect that you are happy with the status quo, and whilst marriage is a "nice to have", it is not a priority for you. (why upset the apple cart?)

I would advise you to push for marriage to the father of your children. If anything, it legitimises their status in the eyes of the law. It also legitimizes his rights as their father, and your rights as a wife. Also, the marriage will allow you to demand from him the responsibilities expected of a married man. It will also make him confront his responsibilities and adjust his behaviour accordingly. I suspect he is not yet ready to do this (which is why he hasn't married you yet). You CAN rebuild this relationship back up again, but you are better doing it within the framework of a marriage, rather than from an undefined abstract, nebulous perspective

Traditional values have drastically watered down that women now feel that whatever a man can do a woman can as well do if not better.

Whilst this is true, i believe it doesn't tell the whole story. There has been a gradual erosion of morals and principles in Nigeria - both women and men. It is just that the women's erosion are on an accelerated path. Add a total lack of self respect into the mix, and you end up with the situation we have at the moment.

Likewise maybe the other guy has something she considers better from that of her man e.g wealth,looks,sexual prowess e.t.c.

Again, you can see that the foundation of marriages in Nigeria generally is built on sham flimsy stuff. People are getting married for the wrong reasons, with Love being at the bottom of the list. Women are going into these sham marriages with the acknowledgement and understanding that what they do not get in their marriage, it is ok to get it elsewhere. Men have the same outlook as well.
It has now gotten to the stage that infidelity is now the norm. Older married women advise newly wed women having problems with their husbands to go and take a lover! It is all truly sad.

very true, very very true!

why u see it that the rate of infidelity for women have increased is that the world is accustomed to men been unfaithful even in the olden days when mistresses are allowed but for women,it was an unheard of issue, a taboo if discovered. now it is not so, thus the feeling that it has escalated to an embarrassingly new heights!!!

is the traditional marriage regarded the same as we regard the legal white wedding?
we were planning/saving for a trip to nigeria to see his familly, so i would tell him that we should marry when we go over there and kill 2 birds with 1 stone,
i do accept some responsibility for not getting married, suppose i just got contented with how things were,
in regars to this child, its a real mess
i myself could never accept that child knowing he has had the child while being with me,
im not stupid and i no he has only had to admit this because his been caught out and a child is not something u can brush under the table,
just dont understand how he has been cheating,
in the first year it was a bit rocky but the past 1-2 years we have much more understanding and was very happy, my familly loved him and regarded him as a real familly man, who did alot for me and my kids aswell as my familly.
i no he doesent wana be with this girl but ink he wanted to hav his cake and eat it,
god nos y he ever ended up with this girl, we are totally different.
he allways complained how she was bringing up his son, not disiplining him, giving him to many sweets, she has never worked, doesent drive and smokes like a chimley, which he hates, and shes nothing much to look at, so wot an earth has he gone bhind my back for and risked his familly for that, i wonder is it some cultural ting or bcoz she has his son?

now hes looking all sad to his familly and his brothers wife is telling me about how hes been crying that he just wants his life bk, he loves jenny and the kids so much
well to me hes got a funny way of showing it.
do u tink he can change, how can i ensure this will not happen again??

?

OK manc*chic, i feel your pain and confusion regarding this issue. I have picked up some things in your subsequent post. I'm going to address them one by one.

is the traditional marriage regarded the same as we regard the legal white wedding?we were planning/saving for a trip to nigeria to see his familly, so i would tell him that we should marry when we go over there and kill 2 birds with 1 stone,

NO, it is not. You have no legal rights with a traditional marriage, even in Nigerian law. Traditional marriages are a carry over from ancient times when there was no law governing marriages.
There are benefits though. It is a way of bringing in both families together and making them part of the marriage. It also acknowledges their role in the union. It makes any unilateral separation difficult and complicated as it has to involve the families again. This ensures that the parties do not take separation or divorce lightly, and are more likely to work through their problems and issues. Be aware that your family,or representatives HAVE to be present in a Trad marriage.

What you can, should do, is push for a COURT (legal) wedding whilst you are there. Compared to the UK, It is a relatively straightforward and simple affair. It is also ideal timing - as his family will be witnesses at the wedding. Do bear in mind it has to be booked in advance. This may not be a problem if you are staying for a while. You do not need to be covert or sly with this. Tell him it is what you want, and plan it. If he is being uncooperative, then that tells you a lot, because there is no valid reason why he should not want to.

i do accept some responsibility for not getting married,  suppose i just got contented with how things were,

Well, you know what to do now. Take control of your situation and do what is right.

in regards to this child,  its a real mess.i myself could never accept that child knowing he has had the child while being with me,
im not silly and i no he has only had to admit this because his been caught out and a child is not something u can brush under the table,

You are most certainly being silly. You say you cannot accept the child, and in the same sentence, you say it cannot be brushed under the table. So what will happen? You should be the voice of reason here. Your partner is being juvenile, selfish and irresponsible, and you should be the one bringing him to his senses. Remember - This child did NOT ask to be born. You should FIGHT for him to accept the child - he has already admitted paternity. You should also accept this child, as it is your STEP-DAUGHER, and a sibling to YOUR children. Whilst this may be difficult, it is the right thing to do.

just dont understand how he has been cheating,in the first year it was a bit rocky but the past 1-2 years we have much more understanding and was very happy, my familly loved him and regarded him as a real familly man,  who did alot for me and my kids aswell as my familly.

Remember, his cheating is NOT a reflection of you, or your abilities as a partner. People cheat for various reasons, most of them selfish. He is a man, and probably did it because he could. It was simply on offer. Nothing more, nothing less.

i no he doesent wana be with this girl but ink he wanted to hav his cake and eat it,god nos y he ever ended up with this girl,  we are totally different.

We would all have our cake and eat it if we could - including women. That's simply human nature. Regarding why he ended up with her - there was something he saw in her at the time. Just because you are different does not make that "thing" invalid.

he allways complained how she was bringing up his son,  not disiplining him, giving him to many sweets, she has never worked, doesent drive and smokes like a chimley,  which he hates,  and shes nothing much to look at,  so wot an earth has he gone bhind my back for and risked his familly for that,  i wonder is it some cultural ting or bcoz she has his son?Huh

Infidelity is NOT a logical process. Do try and understand that and stop beating yourself up trying to comprehend his actions. I doubt that he even knows. As i said earlier, it was simply on offer.

do u tink he can change,  how can i ensure this will not happen again??

Of course he can change, but that is his choice and decision - There is NOTHING you can do to ensure it does not happen again. Just do your bit - Make sure you are a loving, caring respectful partner to him. Create a soothing, comfortable, stress free home environment for your family. The rest is up to him.

nice piece @Rome4real

@sheguru - i hope u dont mind me giving out advice on your thread. Only trying to help out.

@manc*chic, what do you mean you don't understand HOW HE CAN CHEAT? as u stated he was cheating at the begining of the relationship, i feel no pity for you at all, because you have the power to walk away or stay and be used and used and used, you don't think that this man knows he can do whatever he wants and you will still be around? good luck,