, i love when someone is happy, i wanna celebrate the goodness that is the ocassion , i wanna be a part of that good memory in future, its kinda upliftin to the soul to know that someone could be genuinely happy,

bt this doesnt apply in my case, honestly, AM SCARED OF BEING HAPPY, happiness to me is a symbol of tragedy, when am happy am all nervous, is like when its bout to rain there is this cloud that hangs over the sky, only in my case its this uncomfortable lump that settles in the pit of my tummy, I HATE HAPPINESS, ok, mayb hate is too strong a word to use bt something close,

u think am strange , dont u?, well imagine wt i feel bout me, i wanna pretend n say when am happy am jus happy bt thats nt the case, n its jus not only in happiness, nop theres more, love to me stands for dissapoinment, when am in love i gv it fully, bt i dont quite receive it fully, am always on guard waitin for IT to happen, waitin for the disappointment that is always forthcomin, n trust me i get it, i wanna jus settle in love n enjoy like the rest of the world, bt i cant, i cant help bt feel the way i do, n its a negative to me, it only ends up pushing away the people i love n who love me,

its funny, that light should be so disgustin to me , its nothin bt a symbol of impendin darkness for me, when the light is gone it never comes back,

i loath anything bright that stands for hope, N YET MY HEART IS DRAWN TO N FAVOURS THE BRIGHT COLOURS OF LIFE,
I WANNA fall in love n be loved bt i think it may never happen, i wanna be unconditionally happy for that period that am happy bt it may never happen, i wanna enjoy the light that comes forth wit life bt am busy preparin for darklness that may never come, AM A CONFLICT OF EMOTIONS, !!!!!

^^^Heavy. I was tempted to lash at you about your tounge full of negative self talk. On the other hand m thinking that no one should feel this way its got to be serious. My positive advise is that you seek professional counseling, try it

@0p how old are u?

@Marhoski, 23, y?

You are filled with lots of counteracting thoughts(CLASH). Your mind and emotions are fractured. You lack harmony with your inner self. On your level of unconsciousness, you are filled with all these fractured emotions and thoughts, but only the strongest will win and your outward behaviour will follow the strongest thought(form follows thought).

I hope that some day the deeper inner self will not follow the conflicted thoughts of your mind. In fact you might get to the point that you realize the thoughts were never yours to begin with. They are just ideas put in you head by society or incidences in your life. Your spirit or inner self is a sleep. Someday I hope you will wake up.

Remind yourself that you deserve the best things in life. Do this all the time when it is good. When the dark times are there, tell yourself you deserve better and yearn for better.
Of course, don't forget to enjoy the goods too as long as they will last. Afterall if you are believing it won't last, then you got to make it count and not worry abt what might happen.

@ Poster

I understand how you feel cos I feel the same way too! I rarely find myself happy cos I just wont let that happen. Maybe because all happiness has ever brought me is a flood of sorrow and when I really think about it, I'm happier when I'm sad . . . cos then I know the worst has happend!

I however do not hate happines, I savour it when I can. I treat it like I would a chilled cup of water before getting back to a hard labour under the harsh sun.

I am cynical, persimmistic, sometimes outrighly difficult and I love me that way. I push people away cos I beleive in the end the only person who will really be there for me is ME and that's the only person I need.

Lol! Anyways, I'm not here to compare notes so I leave you to people who can actually help you. Me? I'm fine with the way I am!

ssheryl n Ujujoan must have been hanging around really selfish people most of their lives to become birds of the same feather.

Am truly amazed cos I know dat even though this life can be tough sometimes there is much yet to be savoured n enjoyed.

Your attitude(s) will keep u from enjoying the full spectrum of joys to be had here.

Ujujoan I rememba some of ur 1st posts here on NL u seemed like a happy-go-lucky person wat d heck happened to u?

Huhhhh!

Uju and the OP have a serious problem and must seek help immediately.

Ujujoan:

@ Poster
Maybe because all happiness has ever brought me is a flood of sorrow and when I really think about it, I'm happier when I'm sad . . . 

Uju, You're confused. [No disrespect meant] 
How can happiness bring you sorrow? Impossbile.
How can You be happier when You're sad? Impossible.
Just like I cannot love you more when I hate you. . . . .See how it sounds, let alone seems?

Pleasure is prolly what You've experienced and apparently, that can bring you sadness or happiness in the end.
When You find happiness . . .  You can't hate it, it can't bring you sadness and that's why it's happiness. You have to feel that innermost peace and enjoy the feeling, that's what makes it happiness.

@ Lord Reed

This has got nothing to do with the people in my life, as a matter of fact, they are not all that bad. But sometimes life takes its own course irrespective of the people around you!

Maybe it's because I'm the selfish person. Maybe I want to have it all when any reasonable person knows that it's not possible. Maybe I take life's troubles a little bit too personal cos I feel I dont deserve them, which is really absurd. Maybe I expect too much from people; family, friends, lovers even! And when they fall short like the humans they are, I get really dissapointed.

So I created a saftety net to cushion the blow, and that is to never truly be happy in the things that should make me happy. Cos @ d back of my mind, I know it's just a matter of time . . .

Anyways wateva! I don't really know why you guys are acting all weird like there's something wrong with me. Like I said earlier, I'm actually happier this way. You might argue that Missy, but that's the truth! Life's not treated me worse than it has some others so I dont need to be 'pitied'.

I still am a happy go lucky person. Still have a smile as bright as the sun and a laugh that's outrighly contagious. Still have my jokes, my cracks and, you wont believe this, my words of encouragements. Lol!

@Ujojoan
I never thot I'd say this on NL but I would like 2 meet u some day just to see if that smile really reaches out from ur heart n if dat happy-go-lucky girl is still there.

I don't think u are weird but like Missy B pointed out it's just 2 contradictory 2 b 4 real.

I'd like 2 chat wit u a bit more but outside of NL; if u are up 2 it add me up on yahoo msger darthmaximusreed@yahoo.com.

Peace.

^^^ Lol!

You know what killed the cat don't you

^^
Its the meat that killed the cat abi?

This is quote from Groucho Marx might help.

"Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it" .

Ujujoan:

^^^ Lol!

You know what killed the cat don't you

Yeah but am dat 1 dat got away

You are depressed or having some other form of mental illness. Seek professional help. I dont mean this in a bad way.

Part of what it does is forces you to shut down on the world around you and just see blackness everywhere.

Been there

Remind yourself that you deserve the best things in life. Do this all the time when it is good. When the dark times are there, tell yourself you deserve better and yearn for better.
Of course, don't forget to enjoy the goods too as long as they will last. Afterall if you are believing it won't last, then you got to make it count and not worry abt what might happen.

thanx dear, that in itself is a reminder to me of how much more am worth,

@ Lord Reed

This has got nothing to do with the people in my life, as a matter of fact, they are not all that bad. But sometimes life takes its own course irrespective of the people around you!

Maybe it's because I'm the selfish person. Maybe I want to have it all when any reasonable person knows that it's not possible. Maybe I take life's troubles a little bit too personal cos I feel I dont deserve them, which is really absurd. Maybe I expect too much from people; family, friends, lovers even! And when they fall short like the humans they are, I get really dissapointed.

So I created a saftety net to cushion the blow, and that is to never truly be happy in the things that should make me happy. Cos @ d back of my mind, I know it's just a matter of time . . .

Anyways wateva! I don't really know why you guys are acting all weird like there's something wrong with me. Like I said earlier, I'm actually happier this way. You might argue that Missy, but that's the truth! Life's not treated me worse than it has some others so I dont need to be 'pitied'.

I still am a happy go lucky person. Still have a smile as bright as the sun and a laugh that's outrighly contagious. Still have my jokes, my cracks and, you wont believe this, my words of encouragements. Lol!

, safety cushion it is, on my part i\'ve trained maself not to expect too much from anyone, the disapointment is jus too much, n most people actually feel that way, ;bt for some reason best known to them they chose nt to accept it,

@ssheryl:
There's hardly any1 who has not witnessed disappointment in dis life. It's not enuff reason to shut urself away from all dat can b enjoyed u know. Are u gonna say cos u stubbed ur toe on d way 2 d bath u ain't gonna bath anymore?

Yes learn ur lessons but give urself d chance 2 b happy.