I hope this will help me to clear my head

I am an American married to a Nigerian man; we live in London. He is a fraudster, a poor one at that. Money came in at first - it seemed up until we married and then , zilch. Yet he refuses to get a job - its as if he is addicted to the chase of the big payday. he sleeps till12 smokes all the trime - it is becoming too much. Bills are left unpaid - I can barely open my door in all the time we've been married in case its baliffs coming - yet we have bottles of Moet in the kitchen.

But coupled with this is the completer lack of affection - zilch nothing nada, in factr he has often pushed my advances away - physically actually pushed me. I have often expressed my unhappiness but he responds with silence.

To top it all of he is extremly disrespectful to me - he feels no way to talk about my "American ways" And disgrace my family - yet, I happen to know that the granduer he places with his own is full of dissallusionment. He make think they are akin to royalty but I assure you they are not.

This is the difficult thing - I know that he loves me, its hard to explain cause everything I have written would show the oppisite but I don't believe that is true - though I don't know what to think REALLY.

We have a large age difference and I am still, 6 years later under the age of 27. I feel that I can not live the rest of my life like this - I feel unloved and unaknowledged as a person. Not to mention just wanting a man who actually has a job! A real job!

I want a divorice in short but we have a young daughter and I have so many fears - that his family will reject her because of me leaving, the fact that he might get violent if I try to go, or even the fact that I pity him now, which is a shame.


I'm sorry to go on and on but just wanted to say alot so maybe I can get alot of advice!!

Thanks

This is a quite complex one.

You have done rite by considering your child. But thats the first am hearing about a family disowning a child cause the parents have split.

You really need to consider certain things;

- you deserve some happiness (everybody does)
- how do you know that staying with the guy isnt damaging your child emotionally cause children see it all and they dont forget
- if he isnt working how are you being suported?

I understand what you are saying but girl - i hate being slefish but you matter in this whole saga, you need loving and attention cause from what i gathered you are still quite young.

Consider all these cause the 'love' you have for this man cuold turn to hatred if you remain in this relationship.

Consider this caus you and only you can decide what you wanna do.

Thanks
I suppose I may be overreacting about the family rejecting the baby but its just that they are so agianst divorice and he is the oldest son so its as if the sun shines out of you know where!

His mothers greatest achievment in life is that she stayed in the fathers house till the end. Even though they lived seperate lives, I've never heard of such a thing!!!!!
We support ourselves through creditcards and I am the one that ends up paying the minimum balance and putting food in the house. Its ridiculous. Somehow at the last minute just when everything is falling apart he manages to pay the bills but by then you have been stressin for months.

What you said in the things I should consider are indeed what I have been.
I do feel selfish and above all I feel brainwashed - like he is under my skin - and it makes it scary to go

Girl definately, i cannot advice you on this cause its real life and it involves your child but like i said, you deserve to be loved and to be happy.

All the talk of the parents, that was then and he can never liken his situation to theirs.
He is using that tactic cause he is brainwashing you and he knows you would wanna leave him so he is playing his cards rite.

The reason i talk lkie this is cause am a Nigerian and i know how our men think.
Like i said earlier, you really need to think of yourself and your child cause trust me she sees all and knows all.

Thanks!!x

this is really complex.

do u love him?

I see no reason why u shld stay with him if u're not happy!

well darling, that's a sad one you got there

but lets start from somewhere:

how was he treating you before you guys got married, was he all loving and caring at the beginning and suddenly changed after the marriage?? or has he always been like that??

has he been a fraudstar all along, or he just started being one??

his family memebers, where do they reside??

are you saying you're 21??

Busta - Thats just it I don't know if I love him - I love who I thought he was - who he first presented hisself to be to me - who he is at times. But this is all far from the reality of who he really is. I pity him now - I think I feel sorry for him if I left which is of course ridiculous cause he does'nt care about how I feel now!!

I think I know I have to leave and that I deserve to be happy - but I suppose this is why they say divorce is hard.

Um, he was more afffectionate in the beginning of us dating - as you do I suppose when your in LOVE - but slowly it got worse and worse - until it was how it is now - but I have to say it was bad before marraige - but I thought I could cope

He was always a fraudster - but I was young when I met him 19

I'm 25 now - I don't think I understood the reality of it - I was blinded by the cash if I'm honest

His family are in Nigeria

gurl. . judging from wat u've said, maybe u need to take ur daughter and run off.

don't sit there and be comtemplating until it is too late and u're stuck with him or u both get arrested.

Oh how right you are!! Its funny cause I expected to hear the old , "AhAh you must make your marraige work"  or something like that - of course my Mom is begging me to leave and come home and I appreciate your honesty and comments more than you can imagine - cultural differences are hard.

I am sooo happy I found this site. God dbless the internet.!LOL

Dear, love is a hard thing ooh, and people say after marriage and some time of living together, it does degenerate a step, but then nobody said you'll have to live in misery or that you would be treated as if you didn't exist or you were a comodity

give talking to him one more try, you said he loves you, right?? well then he better started showing it. Tell him you can't go on living like this, that for your sanity's sake and the sake of your daughter, you need stabilty in your marriage and in his life

now i know we get married and promise for better, for worse, but you owe your daughter a whole lot too. Now if this girl should grow to be mentally hurt, or otherwise, i'm sure you wouldn't forgive yourself.

If this guy loves you then he would do something about his attitude, if not then nobody would blame you for leaving. Infact what i'm even more worried for is your lives, a fraudstar is as dangerous as it gets, capable of doing anything, not withstanding she's his daughter or you're his wife.

You were very young when you chose him, of course there's a lot of chances you weren't ready or wise on what you were going into, and dear when you make up your mind to leave, make sure he knows nothing about it, because the outcome might be drastic

the safety of yourself and your daughter should be your first priority right now

i wish you all luck darling, it shall be well just be careful (BTW who cares if his parents/family accepts the child or not, of what use would the child be if for one reason or the other she doesn't make it through life?? )

@cely
What is this man's name. And do you have any kid for him yet?

Sweet T:

@cely
What is this man's name. And do you have any kid for him yet?

They have a daughter together.

his name?? what would you be doing with his name?? lol

Sweet T:

@cely
What is this man's name. And do you have any kid for him yet?

what do u need his name for

And can't u read the story , they have a daughter

some of your problems may be due to your cultural differences.(he's already refering to your american ways!)
didnt you guys communicate before marriage and agree to make compromises?

nigerian men arent very affectionate and lovey dovey. not to say they arent caring. they just dont do a lot of things american guys do in the name of love! nigerian women really do not expect a lot of affection and romance.( we just watch real romance on tv and dream). has he always been unaffectionate or is it recent?

anyway that said, if you suspect he's a fraudster you better plan your escape and take your baby. she's better off with you! do you have family? people may think a fraudulent spouse is not grounds for divorce but living in fear everyday while waiting for the police to come for him is nerve wracking. im sure you know that already.
you say he has physically pushed you? it always starts with pushing, then shoving and then the wacking starts. you dont have to put up with it. he needs to go for anger management theraphy, which then again a lot of nigerians think is a waste of time.

at the end of the day, i believe in saving marriages even if they are on their last legs. try talking and then talking some more. one thing i know though is that you can only talk and reason with a reasonable person. i hope he is able to forget about getting rich quick and getting a real job and repairing your family. good luck!

maybe him wan investigate lol,

lady, get your kid and go on a long ride to the land of no return. if you don't have the money, contact the US embassy there and they will help you to vamoose. we all rooting for you. stay strong for that is when you can plan better.
cheers.

I can't thank you all enough for your words of advice, support and encouragment. Except maybe for Sweet T - obviously I posted on here because I am extremly distressed - do you think sending authorities to my door will make it any easier?!

I must say that sometimes one needs afirmation of what they already know!! I have decided to get a flat here (thank god in england you can count on support from the goverment- if you need it!!) I am currently in school so I will finish my degree here and suggest it to him as a trial seperation. Maybe that will give him the wake up call he needs? Not just for his daughter and I but for himself!! This is no life for anyone to live. To be honest I don't think I would be interestd in him even if he does change - sometimes one crosses that line!

BTW in regards to moving away quietly - I have 4 brothers that I am calling on to fly over and help me move - and stay for awhile to assure my safety!!

well an "igbo adage" says he who doesn't know where the rain starts/ed beating on him, does not know where it stops/ed

dear, it sure sounds like you've won this battle, because you know where you come from and where you're going. You have the head and determination required to pull through

Good luck hun!

thank God you have brothers to help.
plan your move quietly and secretly because he may not receive it well if you tell him. make sure your brothers are in the apartment when your things are being moved out. this is to avoid any confrontation. or you can move your stuff while he is not at home. (this is one situation where its ok to be cowardly!)
the trial seperation you mentioned is good. maybe while you guys are apart he'll straighten up and step up to the plate. are you going to be living alone? if you are, make sure you have a security device on your door and a good alarm system. you can never underestimate the desperation of a scorned husband. i watch the news everyday with reports of women killed by ex husbands and boyfriends. better still if you can live with a family member or brother. your safety first!
he should still be able to see his child (you cant deny him that). that means he'll be coming around you a lot so you have to make sure there are people around when he visits. and make sure you see your education to a conclusive end. being a single mother is the hardest thing on earth so you should be able to hold your own. i wish you luck.