It's a common myth that dealing with your in-laws is a nightmare, especially when you are a woman. So Nairaland users help me out because some of need to know - personal or borrowed experiences will be appreciated, as well as tips on how to handle difficult situations.

And please no one should divert this topic to the issue of virginity abeg!

I think everything is possible and achievable only and only you determine to do so.

The only way out on this subject is to develop passion to your in-laws and creat enabling envrion to be love in return.
Best of wishes.

Well, for someone who has not been able to "manage" his/her own parents, I guess there's no hope where in-laws are concerned.



Why are in-laws important anyway?

because we go marry o! and someone told me that should be an important factor to consider when you are planning to settle down with someone if his or her kin are going to be pretty annoying then you really should know

i think it's very important, especially for nigerian folks. If the guy's family don't like you, that marriage is going to be hell. And recently I've seen someone go through widowhood and let me tell you, by that time it's too late and your stuck with the family from hell. You want to make sure that your spouse's family loves you like a sister and even moreso they love and respect themselves enough not to meddle in other people's affairs. those who have ears, let them hear o! family is VERY important.

If, as a woman, you are self-made and highly placed, I don't think you will have any issues with in-laws in Naija. They will even seek your favour. I can't imagine the in-laws of Dr(Mrs) Dora Akunyili or one Minister for women affairs being bullied by her in-laws...no way. They would even use her to boast in public that she is "our wife". That's what I think but there might be exceptions though...in which case that family is full of losers who don't identify with good things.

As a single woman, if you are self made and highly placed you may not get married in the first place; that's the funny thing. Because the young men will be looking at you as a 'Oga'/'Mama' instead of 'babe' and the only men you would be able to respect would be "self-made and highly placed" men who, of course, all got married while you were busy 'making' yourself and struggling to climb the corporate ladder ...

Seun:

As a single woman, if you are self made and highly placed you may not get married in the first place; that's the funny thing.  Because the young men will be looking at you as a 'Oga'/'Mama' instead of 'babe' and the only men you would be able to respect would be "self-made and highly placed" men who, of course, all got married while you were busy 'making' yourself and struggling to climb the corporate ladder ...

Seun, you know this is not always the case. My husband will never get married to anybody else but ME. And that is it.
My husband can never look at me as Oga/Madam because he is also an Oga himself.

But how many male Ogas will remain single long enough for a lady who is busy trying to become 'self-made and highly placed'? Male 'ogas' are always surrounded by willing women.

That is very true. But remember I don't need MANY male ogas. I need only one...and that is my husband. And like I said, he won't marry anybody else but ME.

I agree with you IAH.

So, back to the main topic; how to manage in-laws! Waiting for the married people.

In-laws are the parents of the person one is married to, in addition to his/her brothers/sisters (immediate and extended).

As far as Nigeria is concerned, a woman is not only married to the husband alone but also to her in-laws so that the same measure of respect you would wish someone gives to your own parents or brothers and sisters, give even more to your in-laws; that way, the marriage would be comfortable and enjoyable.

Point of note:  In as much as the woman is to take the husband's brothers as she takes her husband, the woman is solely sexually responsible to her husband alone.

I'm not married, but I have an opinion on this topic. I have two parents, and that's about all I can take; I most certainly don't need more! So, I don't know about this issue of taking your wife's family as your own o. I hope it's not compulsory, because if I'm married tommorrow I'd like to be the woman's only husband. I most certainly will not share my wife with any[/i]body, in [i]any way, for any reason, at any time. Not even my brother, thank you very much.

One husband, one wife, that's the way I see it.

what do you when its the other way round what if you have a nasty brother or sister-in-law

In laws are great and I think we should respect them and use wisdom.

managing ur in-laws has to do with charity, off co's some of them are very difficult to handle, wait I will be right back.

managing your inlaws in nigeria is about respect,cooking for them,treating them in a special way,doing whatever they request,performing all the house hold chores for them,like washing clothes,cleaning the house and all that crap,even take them shopping weekly.
As for My inlaws to be,they have to calm down and face reality cos i am not ready to serve anyone as well as respect me and my husband's privacy,a lot of space that is what i will need.

exectly, i think there is no room for detating, do this and don't do this, there should be a limit for that managment. just do what u feel you can do and live the rest, off co's there is no time you can satisfied them all (Yes)

Come to think of it, In-laws are not all that important, If they give you headache, throw them away. Don't let in-laws make you go crazy.

Dont even let them get to thet point of giving u a headache,just draw a boundary, and there shuld be limits too.
That doesnt mean u wont love them o,but u know what i mean,there is time for everything.

Latoya:

Dont even let them get to thet point of giving u a headache,just draw a boundary, and there shuld be limits too.
That doesnt mean u wont love them o,but u know what i mean,there is time for everything.

Managing inlaws is as simple as ABC

I grew up with my family, and have an idea of what each and every person is capable of doing!
My wife also grew up with her family and knows them inside out!!
I know my wife !!!
so it is my responsibility to protect my wife from my family,
teach her how to relate with them without hassles,
there are people in my family she has to smile at even when she does not want to, etc
It is her responsibility to protect me from her family
do family "PR" and branding 4 me
so that way inlaws are managed easily.
Never allow inlaws to come in btween u and ur guy
once they do, the centre wont hold.
if u are going out with someone who cant protect you from his/her family
he/she didnt value you,

this is the simplest thing i ever heared just buy them sensible3 and useful stuff especially if your fiance get little one's and be full of life don't sit and seal your mouth, good luck i mean wedluck,

@topic

one advice,
run farrrrrrrrrrrr awayyyyyy from mummy's boys or only boy
u marry them, u marry their family and mummies along.

All I can say is that: It all depends on the understanding the couple has of their separate families. Before I got married i took time to expalin to my wife the kind of family and in-laws she's going to have and how to treat them. I am not going to pretend here. My mum is not the best mother-in-law for anybody to have. She's simply difficult to manage and I explained all this much to my wife and told her how to treat my mum and when to draw the line. Since i know my mother too well and know my wife too well. i am able to predict what each of them will do in any given situation. My mum had told me so many things which if i hadn't know my wife would have ended our marriage but with my wisdom i ignored those things and some months later found them all to be lies. Unlike my mum, my two elder sisters are sweet. They love me with a passion and the same love they transfered to my wife. The first time they met my wife, she became their best friend instantly and have been like that ever since. And if i ever annoy my wife, my sisters will call to abuse and threaten me.

The same goes to my wife's family. though the parents are very accommodating and loving, she still knows when to draw the curtain. She doesn't allow any of her siblings or parents to overstay their welcome when they visit. So all these things should be made open right from the start. There should be no surprises. My wife found my mum exactly as i had told her and found my sisters exactly too. Same with me. I found her family exactly as she has described. that way we know who to laugh with whether we like it or not and who to totally avoid. So i will not tell you not to marry someone you like because your would be in-laws are bad. Not at all. But both of you should be able to stand behind each other in any situation. if your would-be husband/wife is not the type to stand behind you when you are being bombarded by your in-laws then don't even ATTEMPT,

@hot angel
Come to think of it, In-laws are not all that important, If they give you headache, throw them away. Don't let in-laws make you go crazy.
i don't think its that easy especially in the Nigerian setting


The whole thing depends on the husband he should be kind enough to one let his family know that HE is getting married to the lady not THEM and two explain to the wife the kind of family he has and what she should expect from them and how to handle them At least that will serve as a guide to her if despite all that she still has problem with any of them then the husband will know where the problem is coming from and how to settle it.Then to the wife if she is very tolerant and patient am sure she wont have much problem.

@wiseguy: lovely advice, but I gues it doesn't apply to those who can't handle their own parents.

@Queen1: you missed his point exactly. Both the husband and the wife have to help each other out.

@ busta
true talk.

I wouldnt marry a guy whose mother hates me.
the family matters because you have to think of the future, if he's no more will they embrace me or give me hell on earth.
or even when he's around  will they push other wives on him or complain that you are a witch

i know but i still insist the guy has a major role to play.Most times problems don't come from wife's family its always the husband's family especially the mother.

the truth is that most of our young ladies this days are not tolerant they want things to always go thier way if u were well brought up by ur parents then u would know how to treat ur in laws, give them respect cos they deserve it . even in ur own home ur parents can sometimes be difficult but u still tolerate them so y cant u tolerate ur inlaws if they were ur parents or brothers nd sisiters would u throw them out? nd dont forget that one day u too will be an in law to someone so watever u sow now u must definitely reap, my advise is do unto others as u would want them to do to u!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

show love,tolerance and patience no matter how bad you feel your in-laws are.

I'm not saying become a doormat.

Stand your ground and don't be bullied,but don't be spiteful and over defensive,
if you give fire for fire it never ends well,there will be too much anger and bitterness. and no one is happy.

The most important thing is the bond between the husband and wife. Even a person who does not like confrontations and has confrontational parents/family will realise his/her happiness lies with the spouse and children.he/she will find a way to keep the parents out.

@Seun- in laws are important because they are parents to the husband or wife,no matter how bad they are, their child has no other parents and he/she would want at least a civil relationship between the parents and the partner.

I always remember that part of the bible that tells us we gain more from showing love to does who don't love us.

It is very easy to show love to those that love you.

wiseguy:

. My mum is not the best mother-in-law for anybody to have. . My mum had told me so many things which if i hadn't know my wife would have ended our marriage but with my wisdom i ignored those things and some months later found them all to be lies.

Ugh that's horrible. At least you are indeed wise but you know MOST men would rather listen to their mothers without finding out the real truth and that would have been the end of a once sane marriage.

Pitiful.

One can only hope there are more that considers things first like yourself, wiseguy.

Personally, I wouldn't marry someone who can't be buddies with my parents. I got young parents that are willing to be friends with whatever girl(s) I'm dating. I think the best way to handle them in-laws is for one just to be themselves and not try to act like the super son/daughter in-law. It could be difficult, but diplomacy in terms of how one talks to their in-laws is very important. Why would I marry a woman who wouldn't want to be a buddy to my parents. Ladies, and most especially, the lady who asked this question, JUST BE URSELF AROUND UR IN-LAWS. By the way, pray that God gives u parents-law like my parents (for real, they cool tho). Girl, just treat them like your parents, because thats the best approach!