Hey everyone,the idea for this topic occurred to me as me and my husband were having a conversation yesterday and it occurred to me that we both have such different perspectives on the family unit.For you to understand il just break down the kind of background that both of us come from.My husband was born in britain and he has two siblings.Their parents were very very nuclear and they only interacted with their first cousins and some very few memebers of their extended family.He lost both parents at a very early age and so his elder sister was responsible for taking of him and his elder brother.They get on well with their cousins and all but i have noticed that they are not too comfortable with distant relations.They dont even know alot of them.

At our wedding,my family outnumbered theirs like 8 to 1.Now my family is verrrrrrrrry extended( which sometimes  annoyed me when growing up ).We always had one relative or the other  living with us when growing up.I think i have mentioned in one thread how i had numerous grandmas,They really were not my biological grandmothers but were just elderly women in the family,my grandparents siblings or cousins.My mom and Dad are both first children and so were given added responsibilties at the very begginng of their marriage.It was quite alot on them esp my mum and to be honest half of this people today are not even grateful for the sacrifices that they made at such a young age.We had one cousin living with us that was going to the same private school as my younger sister and my parents sometimes struggled to with the fees and knew if any suggestions was made to take the cousin out it would have misinterpreted.So we the kids forefeited loads of luxuries esp if they could not afford it for all the hordes of people living with us at the time so as not to create animosity or the feeling that we the children were better.

To cut the long story short,my hubby believes that his nuclear family being us,me,him and our kids are the first priority,then others are secondary.I on ther hand believe that yes my family is first but that the extended is also important.Dont get me wrong he is close to his siblings and is quite a good uncle but he is of the impression that carrying extended family wahala on your head makes it quite difficult for you and is like giving yourself so much pressure.The argument generated cos i am travelling to nigeria in a month and he thinks i am wasting money by trying to buy things for so many people.My rationale is  i would feel bad if i see some people and not give them anything and his thinking is do you need to see them?But i will cos i know my mom,i know she's always habouring one person or the other.He also is not too down with one random aunty calling from heathrow saying she wants to stay with us,i have seen him do it to his family,he will say no.Me i know that one random aunty will call one day(not done so yet) and it might cause wahala cos i know he will say no especially if its one of my aunties he has not met or thinks we(my family) are not close to.Me i find it difficult to say no and might not sleep for weeks thinking i turned away someone i am even remotely related to away from my house(its just the way i was brought up)

So this leads me to ask what are the advantages and disadvantages of being nuclear or extended in the family?

Dont get me wrong he is close to his siblings and is quite a good uncle

So y is he objecting to ur having good ties with urs? The truth is that no one can function in isolation .Despite having to help out members of ur xtended family in need I see no bad thing about it.In as much as God is providing for u and ur family and has blessed u, y not lend a helping hand?Having pple to come around u and who appreciate ur existence is also very important.

Well, your hubby has his reasons for adopting this outlook about family.
I can as well tell you that his reasons are very valid.
This is however not to undermine your view about family setting.
Anyone that has experienced,firsthand, what 'evil' extended family can wraught, you will think twice before opening your arms to them-especially when you don't exactly know them.

I have same issue my husband is extended in nature and i am the nuclear type cos my Dad brought us up so we are not finding it funny but some how we just blend i try as much as posible to just put on a smiling face when they are around and i am the private type too most times it could get frustrating but when it get out of hand i complain at times and he adjust that is why we are man and wife two different people coming together as one God help us all

My sister, your oga correct ooo. As you said, he had a different upbringing, so of course you understand that.
My mum denied herself a lot to help extended family, no benefit whatsoever except God's abundant blessings.
I was going for a funeral last year and I ended up paying for excess luggage. The oyinbo friend who drove me to the airport was like, WTF, you're going for a funeral and you have luggage like you're moving home.

So na culture and upbringing thing.

But my dear, no let am get to the level wey e go cause kata kata between u and ur man. Na give and take.

My madam's extended family is enough to start an average-sized town! But that's life. Your nuclear family is NUMERO UNO. Like your Oga said, carry extended family load on one shoulder only (not even both). You can never do enough for them lai lai, so no stress yourself.

chamber2:

So y is he objecting to your having good ties with urs? The truth is that no one can function in isolation .Despite having to help out members of your xtended family in need I see no bad thing about it.In as much as God is providing for u and your family and has blessed u, y not lend a helping hand?Having pple to come around u and who appreciate your existence is also very important.

@ bolded he is not aaginst me having a relationship with my family,he sees my mom as his as he does not have a mom but as you might have deduced from my post,he is not into distant relatives or people who are not really close to you but just think due to being related have a right to things from you.I see his point in a way because as his sister says when their mom died,they hardly saw anyone  and now one aunty who they have not seen in 15 yrs just gets their number from someone and then calls from heathrow and says i will be staying with you for four weeks.Its strange to them but not to me.

Dealing with  extended family (countless uncles, aunties) and all the problem that come with it, can be very difficult atimes, I have seen people pouring all their resource into family problem and by the end of the day, getting noting but insult as reward.

while it is not all extended family that are dependant on each family member,  i will suggest that you shell your family from the problem of extended family for now, since your know that you husband don't understand it. Allow the childred to grow up first. With time, when the kids start inviting friends, cousin for a sleep over, he will understand and make room for it.

My Husband and I have exactly the same perspective on Family, We are very Nuclear in Nature. Reasons: we both come from very dramatic extended families and for the sake of sanity and peace. Nuclear is the way to go.

Hmmm, I grew up nuclear, My dad is very nuclear and my mum is nuclear kind of but not as nuclear as my dad, In my opinion my NUCLEAR family is numero UNO and I am in total support of your husband, After my nuclear family then my two wonderful brothers and my one and only sister, now every other distant relation can find their square root cos once they start getting involved in a marriage, things rarely go well, So protect your family against unnecessary third party, even with distant relatives u can never tell who is who,

@damiso

Anything aside direct members of ur hubby/ur (I mean Siblings and parents) immediate family should be totally discouraged pls.My own definition of xtended family does not exceed my immediate (my siblings and my wife's siblings $ parents) and our children, shikina.

The extended family thing is a burden that needs to be shed as soon as you grow your own family. Immediate family is priority for me.
Dont get me wrong. If I become a millionaire tommorow, of course I will help even people not related to me but I think the extended family thing is a hinderance to development. You dont have to do it if you cant.

some extended famil ymembers can be very dangerous, watch our nollywood movies an dyou can get the meaning
beacuse the movies are based op anst happenings.

@damiso.
i undastand ur predicament.
but if u cannot sucessfully convince ur husband to accomodate ur xtended family
then, try n live my his opinion.
A cousin of mine called me sometimes ago to tell me that two of her younger ones wil come and stay with me
4 a week cus the apartment they had paid 4 will not be ready until a weeks' time.
am aware that they had pay 4 an apartment,but the house
owner told them to wait 4 him to put somethins in place.
I knew my husband will not agree,but l tot l can convince him because l stayed with the older
brother of these cousins 4 about 3 yrs b4 l got married.
l tried anyway n he said no.
l undastand his point,
lf they had stayed, they will have end up stayin till God knows when, cus they were dupe by the supposed house owner.
Am not apy that they could'nt stay,but am ok with the fact that they got another option eventually,
if they had stayed,they would have caused problem btw mw n my hubby, cus one of them is a complainant n insatiable.
they passed a night in my house, n the worst of them had a problem with a neighbour that stutterers.
you can see what xtended family can cause.
Thank God the husband is the head, so u can tell ur xtendeds that ur hubby is not comfortable with it.
like my husband, he doesn't care if u tell them he isnt com4table.
he doesnt care how they view him afterwards.
as 4 him, he stands by what his spirit tells him.

@Angelz, your husband is a true man of Character, he knows whats best for his family so he definitely did the right thing, I mean we women tend to attach emotions to everything but a man is in better control of his emotions and I guess thats part of why why God put them as head,

I have witnessed the damage extended and distant family cause on a couple especially a newly wed couple, It hurts to have to say no to them but in the end you will be thankful,

@ Damiso, I grew up in an environment which is very very similar to yours and trust me it wasn't a pleasant experience. The relatives on my father's side are a complete nightmare, my dad practically catered for his grown siblings and their off springs all in the name of being a first born child. Just like you, we always had one relative or the other living with us. There was never a moment when it was just our immediate family living together.

I feel your husband to a large extent on the issue of extended family and our minds are alike in that regard. Let your immediate family (husband & kids) come first then your parents, please parents should be a priority on your list ooh. The extended members of your family can and should take the back seat when it comes to your family & parents. Help them when you honestly can but don't make it a duty or obligation and most importantly don't let anyone take advantage of you or your generosity.

Don't encourage long stays in your home, an exit day must be clearly stated either by you or the visiting relative, don't always oblige every request made of you and so on. In all things regarding your home, family and life just seek God's guidance and wisdom but don't forget to use your God given ability to reason and think things through as well.

Nuclear family first and extended family as long as it does not become a distraction from your immediate responsibily which is the NUCLEAR family

The extended family system is a very good one. Infact it is the only social security we enjoy in this part of the world. Our staggering unemployment, housing, healthcare problems are tempered by internal provisions. But therein lies the problem. Because we are very close inwards we are very uncaring as a society outwards and this manifests in every kind of social vice from nepotism to corruption, through lack of care for public property to environmental problems. Our government has capitalised on this to avoid its responsibilities. In other societies people spend a lot of money by way of taxes and government distributes same in the best possible way so that the bottom line is maintained.
India is one country struggling to find its identity in this scheme. The government recently started a campaign to get people to take care of their relations because the social security system isn't quite ready.

I think the extended family system is one of things thing we will find difficult to change but if we want to improve our society, the economy and the country at large then we have to gradually move away from it. From clustered to collective wealth and responsibility. The advantages are personal the disadvantages are global. Look at someone like Bill Gates. I'm quite sure if he had a long line of relations, someone somewhere along the line will prevent him from doing those great things. How many times have we heard, if it was not for my children, uncle, sister, brother, etc, I would have been this or that, or done this or that. I think it is better to keep the intimate circle as small as possible so you can take bigger risks and express yourself as widely as possible. For me the nuclear family is prime.

By they way make sure your travel expenses are fully covered and your hubby is in total agreement. Just a thought. Goodluck.

I come from a very extended family and I enjoy it. We are all united, closely knit. Although there used to be a little friction, gossips once in a while, over all it's an experience I enjoy. I enjoy it more because of my own nature of mixing with people, merrying etc

Some people, of course, have nasty tale to tell, but I personally don't have any regrets raised in an extended family environment, i

Sister, you are absolutely right. God knows why he joined both of you in holy matrimony. Who says He is not a perfect blender?. But please, don't quarrel with your husband about that. Just pray that the Almighty God will make him to see that the the advantages of extended family system outweighs its disadvantages. Remember it is more blessed to give than to receive.

cute topic lol

there are positives to both. and like u said it's just a cultural thing. maybe u guys have to find a middle ground. not too extended, not too nuclear? lol
goodluck

@post
Taking care of the needs of the nuclear family should be paramount. Invest your time and resources in your immediate family. Give your kids the best you can afford. Why should they be deprived of the best care you can give becos of some extended family unit. Protect your space. Don't forget your parents. Boundaries should be set for siblings. Siblings should be allowed only on the terms you set.

Initially, my inlaws found my ways too westernised. By I made them see the light. This is not about being westernised. It is about protecting your sheep from wolves. I am a man of principle. If you don't like it, tough



Trust me. seek peace for your soul

https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-12286.0.html

Since the Ashanti's of Ghana are mainly matrilineal, I read somewhere that their men, particularly, the wealthy ones, attach extreme importance to the welfare of their sisters sons (their nephews)

@ Poster: has much its important for us to keep close ties to our extended family, the nuclear family is the most important, if you were to ask me, some of us grew up with one uncle, aunties or even cousins living with you, I have that experience, my late mum would say then, your daddy and I are doing this for you guys, at a tyme we had up eleven people staying with us, when we cooked then you would think we were having a party.

damiso:

Hey everyone,the idea for this topic occurred to me as me and my husband were having a conversation yesterday and it occurred to me that we both have such different perspectives on the family unit.For you to understand il just break down the kind of background that both of us come from.My husband was born in britain and he has two siblings.Their parents were very very nuclear and they only interacted with their first cousins and some very few memebers of their extended family.He lost both parents at a very early age and so his elder sister was responsible for taking of him and his elder brother.They get on well with their cousins and all but i have noticed that they are not too comfortable with distant relations.They dont even know alot of them.

At our wedding,my family outnumbered theirs like 8 to 1.Now my family is verrrrrrrrry extended( which sometimes annoyed me when growing up ).We always had one relative or the other living with us when growing up.I think i have mentioned in one thread how i had numerous grandmas,They really were not my biological grandmothers but were just elderly women in the family,my grandparents siblings or cousins.My mom and Dad are both first children and so were given added responsibilties at the very begginng of their marriage.It was quite alot on them esp my mum and to be honest half of this people today are not even grateful for the sacrifices that they made at such a young age.We had one cousin living with us that was going to the same private school as my younger sister and my parents sometimes struggled to with the fees and knew if any suggestions was made to take the cousin out it would have misinterpreted.So we the kids forefeited loads of luxuries esp if they could not afford it for all the hordes of people living with us at the time so as not to create animosity or the feeling that we the children were better.

[b]To cut the long story short,[/b]my hubby believes that his nuclear family being us,me,him and our kids are the first priority,then others are secondary.I on ther hand believe that yes my family is first but that the extended is also important.Dont get me wrong he is close to his siblings and is quite a good uncle but he is of the impression that carrying extended family wahala on your head makes it quite difficult for you and is like giving yourself so much pressure.The argument generated cos i am travelling to nigeria in a month and he thinks i am wasting money by trying to buy things for so many people.My rationale is i would feel bad if i see some people and not give them anything and his thinking is do you need to see them?But i will cos i know my mom,i know she's always habouring one person or the other.He also is not too down with one random aunty calling from heathrow saying she wants to stay with us,i have seen him do it to his family,he will say no.Me i know that one random aunty will call one day(not done so yet) and it might cause wahala cos i know he will say no especially if its one of my aunties he has not met or thinks we(my family) are not close to.Me i find it difficult to say no and might not sleep for weeks thinking i turned away someone i am even remotely related to away from my house(its just the way i was brought up)

So this leads me to ask what are the advantages and disadvantages of being nuclear or extended in the family?

To cut the long story short, ur story is too long.
I cant imagine if u decided not to cut it short, how long will it be.

but on a seroius note, ur NUCLEAR family shld be ur priority. If they fail, YOU FAIL! even d EXTENDED will accuse u.
Just be careful so u wont offend any1. be smart and prayerful about ur decisions. GOD HELP US!

are of the families could be very bad choose the one that favors you

if my mother is coming over, she calls first. if my own mother can " book appointment" i dont see any reason any random aunty will just call and tel me she is in heathrow

Problem is, after you finish doing all the Charity work, you would never be appreciated. Well, as an elder brother, I consider my younger ones as my responsibility but beyond that, its just privilege.

Nuclear all the way.