adontcare:
Such men only regrets in their OLD AGE OR ILLNESS (grave). After everything, they must kill him

Lamanii22:
God knows I can't marry a first son/born.... Too much burden from his family... He'd answer you last....

Anni3e:
I am not buying behind his back, I would tell him but I am not including his name. Do you know how many times I have told him to buy a land and start a project. He won't, he prefers spending all the money on his siblings.

bukatyne:
Instead of telling your husband to stop 'spending on his family', point him to projects he can spend money on.

E.g. 'My friend said there is one cheap land at Igbo Tutu' or 'how I wish we had our house, we wouldn't be bothered about Baba Mulika asking for rent every year' or 'there is one mutual funds that the entry is N200k and you get 15% returns per year. We can be paying Junior's fees from the interest'. You can also bring up investment for your kids etc.

You know what works with your husband so explore that. Also appreciate him for what he does so far.

@buying your land: I am not a fan of spouses buying stuffs behind each other so I will say deposit the money in mutual benefit/Chapel Hill/Piggybank for now while you try to make him see reason. I particularly don't like the fact you want only your name on the land; recipe for disaster as your husband is not hiding his own funds; he is just not spending it wisely.

You should also understand where your husband is coming from: in some cultures, the 'worth' of the first son/husband of the first daughter is their ability to fund everyone's lifestyle without complaint while their own immediate family suffers.

It is a recurring theme so you re-orientate him in love and harmony to see that his family can and will survive without his handouts.

Also note that if he goes 360 and stops funding his siblings, it can cause problems for you'all.

STARGREEN:
"I have saved enough to buy a land and I am not planning to include his name in the property."

This is obviously the reason for your lamentations.

Pavore9:
The question that needs to be answered is, when such men die leaving behind school going children, do the siblings he had helped while alive step in to see to the welfare of their late brother's children?

Bluehill1051:
Mtcheeew rubbish post. I pray that your husband even die sef!

Bluehill1051:
Mtcheeew rubbish post. I pray that your husband even die sef!

STARGREEN:
"I have saved enough to buy a land and I am not planning to include his name in the property."

This is obviously the reason for your lamentations.

cococandy:
I have an uncle like this. He will split his shirt into two and give you half of it so you won’t go naked. Never spares a penny for himself.
The funny thing? His siblings know he’s not rich hence they avoid asking him or even making him know if any of them needs anything. Just to give him the opportunity to focus and spend on himself and his family.

Instead he turns to strangers to give them freely. He will give you to add to your savings while his account is red. It’s almost pathological in my opinion.

I learned a lot from observing him. I’m generous and not averse to sacrificing for another person but never ever to my own detriment. How can someone lose themselves like that?

Yabaleft:


For where? There was a driver that used to work for me. While interviewing him, he told me his father was a surgeon. My jaw dropped. This guy no get waec.
I asked why he has no education . He said his father trained almost everyone in his village to the extent of sending children of villagers to school abroad. Unfortunately he died young and my driver was only 9 when the father passed.
No one helped them. He has 3 brothers, one is a welder, and the other spare parts seller.
Smh

Yabaleft:


For where? There was a driver that used to work for me. While interviewing him, he told me his father was a surgeon. My jaw dropped. This guy no get waec.
I asked why he has no education . He said his father trained almost everyone in his village to the extent of sending children of villagers to school abroad. Unfortunately he died young and my driver was only 9 when the father passed.
No one helped them. He has 3 brothers, one is a welder, and the other spare parts seller.
Smh

STARGREEN:
"I have saved enough to buy a land and I am not planning to include his name in the property."

This is obviously the reason for your lamentations.

Trillyonaire:
You married someone who finds it hard to say no.
You likely saw it before you guys got married.
You have to live with it.

DBestDoc:


I don't think it's peculiar to first sons. It just depends on the family and any of the kids can be picked out as the Donkey/victim. Especially, that one with a kind and selfless heart.

I dated a man with similar trait as the OP's husband and in his case, he was even the last son, hahaha. He sponsored both his older and younger siblings through school, was taking care of their families and at the time we were together, he had started sponsoring most of his Nephews and nieces through school.

At some point, i advised him to give his siblings some capital and encourage them to start some business so as to relieve the financial burden. He waved that off with the excuse that his people are not business inclined.

Oya, upgrade your educational qualifications na for better future opportunities now that you're single and have the wherewithal, Mr man said ok and after a few days he came back with the excuse of having too much family responsibilities to spare any cash for such. Apparently, one of his siblings he shared the idea with told him the program was expensive. I offered to 'loan' him the fees but he rejected the offer.

He easily ran out of cash for someone earning in 6 figures at that time. He wasn't married, no children he wasn't spending the money on me obviously but he was almost always broke. Most phone calls he received whenever we were together were money requests from family. Account will turn red immediately after pay day (i started thinking he'd been jazzed, i didn't know what else to think about. lol)

I got to understand that doing those things made him happy. That feeling of being the messiah of his family gave him some sort of satisfaction and fulfillment that nobody was allowed to deprive him of. He always confided in me that he's been there for his family since he was a boy.

The love i had for him turned to PITY and then to indifference. I saw a wonderful man with a very good heart but was non-progressive this, i couldn't deal with. His family didn't love him enough to advise him to help himself while helping them. He was a dead weight that i needed to offload. After analyzing the situation one day, i RAN without telling him why. No drama, no quarrel, i just ghosted him i didn't want another begging or convincing.

Red flags everywhere. It's important for young people to consider all these things before choosing a life partner. It never gets better and once you're in, you're in. Running was one of the best decisions i've made as a woman. Man is already 40 now unmarried, no kids. I just feel so sad for him because he's a nice person.

kunkelhanspeter:
If you want to buy land please don’t put his name on the deed if you want please put Mr and Mrs XYZ
My cousin just lost land and property she bought with her money to her ex husband just bcoz she put only the man name .

TheArchangel:
Never you tell him not to give them or you will become a witch. This is the survival of the fittest and a battle of conscience.
You are on a very long road and if you can't keep up, then it's time for you to devise a means to get back at them.

Just pack your loads, go and stay with his siblings one after the other. If that's not possible, start calling them for assistance: for house rents today, feeding tomorrow and school fees next tomorrow. Take the fight back to them. Start with pathetic cries and excuses of hardships if you must. Emphasize on how broke he is and how he borrow to keep everything together. Feign ignorance of him giving them shi-shi. Ensure you commence this ordeal with the most vocal of them and then progress to the ones that begged and milked him dry the most.

Make sure you are very vocal about it. Whenever you received the 2k for the one week feeding, call one of them in your husband's presence and beg for more to make up. Milk them as dry as possible.

Cunny man die, cunny man bury am.

You kept quiet for too long instead of shitting back on them hard and fast, now you are having impacted feacal matter high up your rectum. You need a quick action ma'am.

cococandy:
I have an uncle like this. He will split his shirt into two and give you half of it so you won’t go naked. Never spares a penny for himself.
The funny thing? His siblings know he’s not rich hence they avoid asking him or even making him know if any of them needs anything. Just to give him the opportunity to focus and spend on himself and his family.

Instead he turns to strangers to give them freely. He will give you to add to your savings while his account is red. It’s almost pathological in my opinion.

I learned a lot from observing him. I’m generous and not averse to sacrificing for another person but never ever to my own detriment. How can someone lose themselves like that?

bukatyne:


Ok.

Do you want to solve the problem permanently and live in love, harmony and planning together

OR

Do you want to solve the problem with a temporary equally damaging measure and live with bitterness in your heart like a 'Nigerian wife?'

Does buying the land change the fact that his family is capitalizing on his sense of 'duty' to suck him dry and leaving you to pick up the bills you are currently complaining about?

The choice is yours ma'am.

STARGREEN:
"I have saved enough to buy a land and I am not planning to include his name in the property."

This is obviously the reason for your lamentations.

ihutuluv:
This is the exact same issue I am currently facing. I really regret this marriage. Mine is so bad that they even share his clothes. How can you a married man, you youngest brother every little thing one excuse or the other can I use this cloth?
I feel more terrible because this young man has laboured for over ten years earning well with nothing attached to his name but training children that his parents gave birth to and can not raise. I am always scared because anything happens to him I also don't have savings because I have used everything to take care of the house while he is busy taking care of siblings.

zed7:

Some people are created differently, acquiring material wealth wouldn't make them happy. Some people were created to touch lives. Not everyone is self centred, however I also agree that people should only be with whom they can cope with.

Please don't pity him, helping people is what he finds fulfilment in. Marriage and kids don't bring many people fulfilment but they are forced into it by society. We should start learning to take people for whom they are.

As for the Op, let her save for her kids and herself but she should realise that her husband finds fulfilment in helping others. That's how he was created.

Anni3e:
I am not buying behind his back, I would tell him but I am not including his name. Do you know how many times I have told him to buy a land and start a project. He won't, he prefers spending all the money on his siblings.

Anni3e:
Hi, I have been married for 9 years now, the problem I have with my husband is that his family members keep sucking him dry and the way he neglects us his immediate family.

He is the first child of 7 children, his siblings even the married ladies keep asking him for money. He keeps spending money on them and their husbands. His brothers keep crying they are broke, they keep leeching off him.

His two junior brothers that always ask him for money, one of them built a house in Port Harcourt and the other one built a big house in the village. Still they won't let him rest.

His married sisters are the worst. If they cough they would call him to send money, every minor thing they would expect money. Just this evening his sister called him to ask for money. We don't have a house of our own, I keep telling my husband to stop giving in to all their demands and invest the money on something, he would say I am turning him against his family.

We have 2 kids and I have told him we need to start saving for their future, I pay the electricity bill, foodstuffs, and most times the children school fees, he pays the house rent and rarely keeps money for home upkeep, he sometimes drops two thousand and that's it for the whole week. He always complains he has no more, but once his family calls him he sends money immediately.

I have saved enough to buy a land and I am not planning to include his name in the property. I don't know what to deal with, his family entitlement mentality or the way he neglects the kids and I and treat us like outsiders.

I am really pissed off and tired.

Sorry for the long post.