Looking at things at face value, once you have an extra room in your house and a steady stream of income, you are qualified to take people in to live in your home for a time in their lives when they need that help. But it’s deeper than extra room and regular income.

Few months into a marriage, some people begin to get calls from their parents or parents-in-law to take in siblings so they can assist them; afterall, they paid their dues as parents to house and take care of them when they were still single. Some parents ask nicely and don’t use the blackmail method; because in some of these cases, the sibling involved needs to move to the city where you are with your family because there are a lot more opportunities for him/her to get a job and start a life. So it’s really a call to help someone “start a life”. I wish I could shoot this kind of scenario down and move on to more important things. But it’s not that simple, as the dynamics involve people with emotions and long term relationships are at stake.

What do you do when you are placed “under pressure” to take in someone especially family as stated in the scenario above? Let me mention that the person under pressure can be the husband or wife depending on their background family setting.

In cases when parents make this kind or demand or request, it usually won’t come as a shock; but the pressure can be managed. If you haven’t discussed it before, sit down and agree as a couple when you want to take a person in and what this decision is likely to cost you……..financially, emotionally, etc. Then decide to guard your privacy, reinforce your union no matter what’s happening around you (this one is a symposium topic!) This means that until you both agree to take someone in, don’t go ahead with it. Don’t.

When you eventually decide to take someone in, own the decision. Tell yourself there’s no one you will blame if along the line you have cause to regret taking the person in. It’s your home, your choice, your decision; and no matter how it turns out, you’ll be the better for it, aka lessons learnt.

What determines the kind of people you should take into your home? Are the kinds of people different if the kids are young or when they are much older?

Part 3 coming shortly……

#marriageaplatform
#liveins

In our society, especially as Africans, the pressure comes when they notice your hands can reach your mouth. Personally, I feel one is not under any obligation or compulsion to take anyone in if you are not comfortable with it.

My husband was once asked by his brother to take in his son. His excuse? Proximity to his school. I refused. I know where it will end. This is a boy who lacks control, (gangsterism) even his parents couldn't control him. The dad hasn't especially been a good person, not to my husband, how much less me. I owe them no favours to return. I was blunt when my husband asked me. No guests! My own siblings too are not super comfortable, yet they're not asking to come belabour anyone. That's how I see it.

I'm not Margaret Thatcher or Jezebel, I just cannot pretend. Whatever I have, I give you. I don't especially like it when my personal space is encroached into.

placeofallure:
In our society, especially as Africans, the pressure comes when they notice your hands can reach your mouth. Personally, I feel one is not under any obligation or compulsion to take anyone in if you are not comfortable with it.

My husband was once asked by his brother to take in his son. His excuse? Proximity to his school. I refused. I know where it will end. This is a boy who lacks control, (gangsterism) even his parents couldn't control him. The dad hasn't especially been a good person, not to my husband, how much less me. I owe them no favours to return. I was blunt when my husband asked me. No guests! My own siblings too are not super comfortable, yet they're not asking to come belabour anyone. That's how I see it.

I'm not Margaret Thatcher or Jezebel, I just cannot pretend. Whatever I have, I give you. I don't especially like it when my personal space is encroached into.

women become tigers when it concerns their husband's family. But when it is their own family, they say the husband is wicked

dingbang:
women become tigers when it concerns their husband's family. But when it is their own family, they say the husband is wicked

She's correct, that's the way it's supposed to be.

UyaiIncomparabl:


She's correct, that's the way it's supposed to be.

i'm just letting her know that she should also understand her husband will be also correct when the tables are turned.

dingbang:
I'm just letting her know that she should also understand her husband will be also correct when the tables are turned.

Unwanted guests won't be tolerated, and it should stay that way. Don't turn this into a M v F gender/family war thingy. There are people who love their personal spaces, so let everyone do whatever works for them. I, most particularly shall not tolerate live-in guests, or what have you. Not even my siblings. And the solution to this is what? Getting married to someone who upholds the same opinion/idea. I am not hostile nor unaccommodating, I ONLY love my personal space.

I hope you read this part which she pointed out? Try not to be vindictive when you reply to posts.

I owe them no favors to return. I was blunt when my husband asked me. No guests! My own siblings too are not super comfortable, yet they're not asking to come to belabor anyone. That's how I see it.

UyaiIncomparabl:


Unwanted guests won't be tolerated, and it should stay that way. Don't turn this into a M v F gender/family war thingy. There are people who love their personal spaces, so let everyone do whatever works for them. I, most particularly shall not tolerate live-in guests, or what have you. Not even my siblings. And the solution to this is what? Getting married to someone who upholds the same opinion/idea. I am not hostile nor unaccommodating, I ONLY love my personal space.

I hope you read this part which she pointed out? Try not to be vindictive when you reply to posts.

Victoria leave me na...

dingbang:
Victoria leave me na...

Maybe, I will when you stop being vindictive and giving BS advice.

UyaiIncomparabl:


Maybe, I will when you stop being vindictive and giving BS advice.

I won't stop.. You will grow old and get tired

dingbang:
I won't stop.. You will grow old and get tired

At least, you will grow old and weary before me. Until then, I won't stop pointing out your BS.

UyaiIncomparabl:


At least, you will grow old and weary before me. Until then, I won't stop pointing out your BS.

women grow old faster.. Men never grow old.

dingbang:
women grow old faster.. Men never grow old.

I haven't aged since I turned 18. I can only get younger, sweeter, and better.

I'm sure your skin must be full of mad wrinkles by now, and as well sure that you haven't even clocked 31.

UyaiIncomparabl:


I haven't aged since I turned 18. I can only get younger, sweeter, and better.

I'm sure your skin must be full of mad wrinkles by now, and as well sure that you haven't even clocked 31.

oh, can you take a close pic of your face ? I need to check something.

dingbang:
oh, can you take a close pic of your face ? I need to check something.

My face is something you see on a usual, so don't come and pretend here to feel funky. You wan use me catch cruise!

UyaiIncomparabl:


My face is something you see on a usual, so don't come and pretend here to feel funky. You wan use me catch cruise!

close picture

dingbang:
close picture

Nsogbu.

dingbang:
women become tigers when it concerns their husband's family. But when it is their own family, they say the husband is wicked

Maybe we were doves or pigeons before these same people you're taking sides with turned us into tigers.

I got pregnant in the first year of my marriage. There were complications and I got to heaven's gate before God sent me back. I spent the next 3 months doing surgeries Of course I lost the pregnancy but I lived. They never showed up in the hospital or the house after I was discharged. I wasn't even peeved, probably they were busy or I was too insignificant to matter. Case closed I thought.
The first time this man, the boy's father, would pick his phone to talk to me after the incident, he had the temerity to ask me what I did to the pregnancy. Damn! Did I suck my baby up or did I bring the complications upon myself? Now, I was peeved by that statement. I couldn't even tell my husband or my mum what he said. They'd both scatter the table. I was to try for years afterwards to get pregnant again.

Yes, all that was in the past. The people haven't changed. The boy is into gangsterism don't forget and he is still his father's son. So please, tell me one reason why I should jump up and shout Hallelujah just because he's asked to come stay with me.

Be able to discern your Judas from your Peter. Peter had a bad day, Judas had a bad heart. Peter, you restore, Judas, you release. You got to know who to restore and who to release.
I know who I can live with and who I cannot. Don't judge people until you have walked in their shoes. Thank you.

@ Uyailncomparabl thank you for not breaking the sister code.

placeofallure:


Be able to discern your Judas from your Peter. Peter had a bad day, Judas had a bad heart. Peter, you restore, Judas, you release. You got to know who to restore and who to release.
I know who I can live with and who I cannot. Don't judge people until you have walked in their shoes. Thank you.

I like this.

At the risk of being nosy, how did it pan out with your nephew? How old was he?

placeofallure:


Maybe we were doves or pigeons before these same people you're taking sides with turned us into tigers.

I got pregnant in the first year of my marriage. There were complications and I got to heaven's gate before God sent me back. I spent the next 3 months doing surgeries Of course I lost the pregnancy but I lived. They never showed up in the hospital or the house after I was discharged. I wasn't even peeved, probably they were busy or I was too insignificant to matter. Case closed I thought.
The first time this man, the boy's father, would pick his phone to talk to me after the incident, he had the temerity to ask me what I did to the pregnancy. Damn! Did I suck my baby up or did I bring the complications upon myself? Now, I was peeved by that statement. I couldn't even tell my husband or my mum what he said. They'd both scatter the table. I was to try for years afterwards to get pregnant again.

Yes, all that was in the past. The people haven't changed. The boy is into gangsterism don't forget and he is still his father's son. So please, tell me one reason why I should jump up and shout Hallelujah just because he's asked to come stay with me.

Be able to discern your Judas from your Peter. Peter had a bad day, Judas had a bad heart. Peter, you restore, Judas, you release. You got to know who to restore and who to release.
I know who I can live with and who I cannot. Don't judge people until you have walked in their shoes. Thank you.

@ Uyailncomparabl thank you for not breaking the sister code.

@ bold, see quotes of the day with permission to borrow.

Interesting story by the way.

Which one is sister's code again?

@OP:

Every family dynamic is different even if the principles are same.

I remember the chairman at a wedding addressing this issue. He said he told his wife to be then that his younger ones must come live with him after marriage. They have a tradition of elder siblings helping one or two younger ones from the village so a few months into the marriage, they came.

If you have plenty dependants or the product of community effort, it would be foolhardy to think you would not be expected to care for younger ones from afar or living with you.

Just how an only child who grew up in the city might never have any relative bothering him or her. Now imagine the only child ranting that the community product always have people around him/her.

Everyone needs to understand the dynamics of their intended's family before saying 'I do'.

I don't know why this should create an issue as it is one of the things that should have been discussed before marriage. In the event of life, and a new scenario emerges, discuss it and follow @peaceofallure's advice of knowing your Peter and your Judas, then make your decision.

bukatyne:


@ bold, see quotes of the day with permission to borrow.

Interesting story by the way.

Which one is sister's code again?

I believe you can always ask "google".

UyaiIncomparabl:


I believe you can always ask "google".

try and be nice for once in your rude life

dingbang:
try and be nice for once in your rude life

Maybe, I would if you tried to be nicer.

UyaiIncomparabl:


Maybe, I would if you tried to be nicer.

she asked nicely. Don't shoot yourself on the leg..

dingbang:
she asked nicely. Don't shoot yourself on the leg..

Nsogbu. Puta nuzo osiso.

UyaiIncomparabl:


Nsogbu. Puta nuzo osiso.

I guess you have nothing tangible to say again

dingbang:
I guess you have nothing tangible to say again

Talkative.

UyaiIncomparabl:


Talkative.

na me fit you for this nairaland eh...

UyaiIncomparabl:


I believe you can always ask "google".

Am I to presume that lack of tact and courtesy is party of it?

bukatyne:


Am I to presume that lack of tact and courtesy is party of it?

yes she doesnt have sense eh, don't mind her

UyaiIncomparabl:

I haven't aged since I turned 18. I can only get younger, sweeter, and better.

I'm sure your skin must be full of mad wrinkles by now, and as well sure that you haven't even clocked 31.

Sweeter?
Hmm, don’t I love that part