MEMOIRS FROM PASTOR EMMANUEL'S OFFICE

CHRISTMAS DIVORCE

There was a very noisy commotion at the church gate, a lanky man was pushing the gate in anger and asking to see me.

I quickly came out of my office, when he saw me, he shouted at the top of his voice.....

"I am going to deal with this lady today, she actually ruined my Christmas plans."

In my usual calm demour,I asked, what actually happened?

How can my wife pick my phone in the night while I was sleeping and call off the party I had planned for today?

Ahhh, I was temporarily speechless.

I asked him to calm down and led him to the shed beside the gate. He refused to sit.

Tell me what exactly happened, I asked him.

Can you imagine, I gave my wife money to buy stuffs for Christmas, she went to market and got everything.

Together, yesterday night, 24th of December, we both prepared our compound for the coming guest.

My younger sister was around to help us prepare. We went to sleep around 1am.

I woke up this morning, the rented chairs had disappeared, the goat and chicken behind the house was gone, the drinks had vanished.

Ahhhh

The whole decoration had been removed and my car gone.

I started getting calls from people all around asking why we cancelled the party at the last minute.

My father called that the cow I promised him hasn't arrived and my wife told me yesterday that the cow had been delivered.

Ahhhh

And after doing all these, she has the gut to sleep and snore by my side because till I left home, she's still sleeping.

I decided not to wake her up, but to come to her church first to report myself, then you will escort me home. If I go home alone, I will kill that bitch.

Hmmmm

Wow, we were about to have our church service because Christmas fell on Sunday that year but I can't allow this man kill his wife, so I quickly called sister and brother Hamet to follow me.

When we got to the house, the wife was eating, calmly watching Tv. When we entered the sitting room, she rushed to greet us.

The way she greeted us innocently was very unnerving. Her husband was speechless. He was looking as if, he was in the wrong house.

Honestly, we can't reconcile what the man said with how the wife was reacting.

This is going to be a tough counselling. Oh God please help me.

I had told the husband to please allow me do the talking and he was now looking at me, expecting me to talk, but honestly I was speechless.

There was no sign that a party had been prepared for in that house.

We could see a very sumptuous breakfast on the table, evidently for the man.

The wife told us, I know why you are all here. He has the gut to report me.

At the point the man couldn't take it any longer, he launched at her, she ran away, we had to hold him back from pursuing after her.

It took another 10 minutes before we got both calm enough to talk.

The wife insisted she won't talk until we follow her somewhere.

We didn't have a choice, everyone took a long walk with the woman walking briskly ahead. The long walk with a very angry man who was cursing as we walked. He was causing a scene.

As soon as the man noticed where we were going, he got more physically agitated.

Before we could do anything, he walked up to his wife and gave her a dirty slap.

Gboaaaa..... I saw stars for her

The woman fell, but like a cat she jumped up and with all her strength returned the slap

Swap!!!!!!

It took another 5 minutes to separate them.

They both agreed that, from this day, going forward, they will divorce.

The man started complaining...
Pastor can you imagine what I have been going through, she is an ungrateful bitch.

There is nothing I give her that is enough, she is always complaining, always never grateful.

In the last six months, I have invested over 10 million naira in this bitch and she will always ask for more.

If I help others she will complain that I am wasting resources outside the home.

Now I intentionally gave her five hundred thousand naira for Christmas celebration because I wanted to celebrate the new house I just bought.

I didn't know she had known that I bought a house. She thinks I bought it for another person. So she scattered my party and brought us all to the house that bought for her.

You are foolish woman. You don't deserve anything good and for this thing that you did, I will sell the house and use the money to marry another wife.

The wife started laughing hysterically,

Pastor!!!!!
Don't mind him ooo, He is a fantastic lair. I married a snake. My husband is worse that the snake that tempted Adam and Eve.

This man got promoted 7 months ago and he didn't tell me so that he won't spend money on the house.

The next thing was that he started sending secret messages to one useless woman.

Because I knew he has a very empty skull, I started using wisdom to collect money from him, so that we can save money while we can.

He told me lies that he borrowed money from the office, he didn't know I have seen his new salary.

He told me that a friend of his, borrowed him the car, he didn't know I saw the transfer alert though he used company account for the purchase. He bought another car when we are still living as tenants to an abusive landlord.

5 months ago I met a man who introduced me to buy this house. So I started using all manners of excuses to collect money so that I can buy the house.

I had paid 13.5 million already. So when he gave me money for party, I arranged with people to borrow me a few things that they bought for their own party.

But I actually added the money up, including the money he gave me for his father's cow and I sold his car to make up for the balance to buy the house.

The house is my Christmas present for a useless husband but I will sell it and use the fund to set myself up after divorce.

Ahhhh

The man was now the one laughing....

Pastor!!!, he said, my wife is mad I swear.

I asked both of them which house.

The both pointed to the same house.

Haha!!!!!

The wife quickly brought out house documents from her purse. Proudly showing us the document to show she was right and her husband was lying.

The man ran away......

Oops.

We were speechless.

The wife started crying. She said.

Pastor, can you see I married a fool, despite the fact that I knew he was cheating on me with one lady called Ugo. I still denied myself of pleasure just to buy him a house.

As she was narrating all the tales of woe, her husband arrived running like a crazy man.

He had documents in his hands. They are documents exactly like that of his wife. 10 million naira more expensive than the price in the document with his wife, same signature, same house.

Ahhhh...

They both bought the same house from the same person.

The man asked his wife, who did you buy the house from?

She said Chukwu.

He replied her, I thought you said Chukwu was helping you to buy pepper.

She replied, I was keeping it secret from you. It's not pepper it's house ooooo

The man screamed! Ah Ugo as killed me. This man as scammed me.

The wife asked, I thought Ugo was a lady?

The husband replied, no, I only allowed you to think he's a lady since you like accusing me of cheating. Ugo is actually the short for Ugochukwu.

Ahhh

The wife screamed, chukwu is also the short form of Ugochukwu.

Hmmmm

The husband didn't trust his wife so he bought a house without telling her. He got an official car and promotion but kept out as a secret.

The wife sold her husband's official car and collected money from him to buy the same house without telling him.

Who do we blame?

_________________

This Christmas, let's learn that communication is a very strong pillar in marriage.

Do you need counselling, don't die in silence. Reach out.

Above all, merry Christians from myself and my wife.

Written by Femi Oluyamoju of the JokeFemi Oluyamoju Marital Foundation