Dele and Shayo (not real names) have
been married for a few years. Shayo is a
housewife, taking care of the kids, while
Dele goes to work every day. Dele came
back from work one fine evening,
expecting to get “something light” from
his wife after dinner, only for her to say
“Dele I have already masturbated a few
hours ago, so I am not really in the
mood right now”.
This was the fifth time Shayo was telling
him this in three weeks, so obviously
she had replaced “Dele” with her
“fingers,” using her newly purchased
vibrator hidden away somewhere in the
house. Dele was so angry at being
deprived of his right. Being a Christian,
he didn’t believe in cheating on his wife,
and he didn’t want to be put in that
situation so he wanted her to stop using
that “evil” vibrator right away. Out of
fear, she threw it away, but couldn’t
overcome the urge soon and started
using her fingers to please herself, Dele
couldn’t take it anymore when he
discovered and that was the beginning
to the end.
This story is same or slightly different
with many other experiences of couples
in various homes. Some partners accept
it because they feel it’s much better
than “adultery”, while some see it as a
slap on the face. The interesting part is
men rarely talk about it amongst
themselves. Women are more open in
discussing it with each other, while
couples don’t even want to mention it at
all. Really interesting, isn’t it?
Couples should be open about their
sexual wants and desires, as well as
their dislikes. 85 % of men and 45 % of
women who live with their spouses are
said to have masturbated. Vibrators,
sex machines, intimacy gadgets and even sex
dolls are steadily replacing human
contact and encouraging masturbation
addiction. Many people would argue
that this is more common with men,
than women, well that is not our debate
for today, but on how it affects both
genders and its aftermath in a
relationship. Masturbation is derived
from a Latin word “manstuprare,”
meaning “to defile one’s self by hand”.
Many couples I have counselled or
spoken to say that masturbation is a
very uncomfortable topic to broach.
Imagine walking in on your partner
masturbating? So many questions will
be running through your head at once.
Apart from immediately casting and
binding the devil, there are several
thoughts that rush through your mind,
number one being who or what is my
partner thinking about while at it? Some
couples may wonder if masturbation
can ruin their relationship. Other couples
don’t even want to discuss it.
Masturbation often carries a stigma.
Some religious, cultural and spiritual
traditions associate masturbation with
immorality or sin.
But the truth is masturbation can
become an addiction which can cause
harm to your relationship with several
signals stated below.
When you get to a point where you
inflict self-injury on yourself due to this
habit, it can lead to other challenges in
your relationship.
If your spouse uses masturbation to
cope when they are under stress,
especially when work pressure increases
and next step is to quickly get a private
place to “handle” themselves, then this
is a big issue because apart from
leading your partner to other stress
management behaviour it can quickly
escalate into a big problem, imagine
having to get to the toilet anytime you
are under duress.
This can create a feeling of rejection if
one’s partner finds solace in
masturbating rather than sexually
connecting with their partner. If your
partner finds it very easy to replace
physical contact with you, even when
you are available.
We operate in a religious environment.
The weight of guilt that presents itself
with this act, especially in connection to
our religious and spiritual beliefs (if you
have any) will lead to secrecy or in
some cases creating and maintaining a
double life around your sexual lifestyle.
One of the criteria for addictive
behaviour is frequency of the act,
sometimes partners who want to stop
and are unable to do so, sometimes
unconsciously increase after trying to
make effort to stop due to the helpless
feeling it gives.
Putting religion or cultural beliefs aside,
it is an unhealthy habit with emphasis
on the word habit, not only as an
individual but for couples. Masturbation
is very common among adults, yet it
remains a challenging and
uncomfortable topic
It causes feeling of inadequacy,
especially when the partner discovers
about it, they tend to blame themselves,
assuming that their spouse or partner is
bored or unhappy with them.
Masturbation is a problem that
interferes with day-to-day life, especially
when it is used to substitute real
intimacy with another person.
Your partner may feel that his or her
partner has been keeping secrets. What
couples should understand is that
couples have different viewpoints.
People who masturbate may do so in
different amounts. There is nothing like
an acceptable number or not acceptable
number. where we can establish you
have a problem with masturbation is
when you can’t achieve orgasm with
your partner through intercourse, the
best is to seek help from a therapist.
They can work with you and your partner
to iron out major concerns affecting your
relationship, or smaller issues you are
struggling with.
So many couples if they can be sincere
struggle with masturbation. It all
depends on if you feel you should tell
your spouse that you masturbate. But
you shouldn’t allow the feeling of
inadequacy over take you if you discover
your partner masturbates, as long as
you can maintain a healthy relationship
where both individuals communicate
effectively to understand each other and
know exactly when to come in. Adult
individuals are entitled to their own
thoughts, even what our society might
deem repugnant. Basically what should
be your priority which is my major rule
for relationships is that all your sex,
including fantasies, should be with each
other.
Is it possible to stop masturbation,
especially when it is affecting your
relationship? I would say yes! Definitely,
you can stop it.
Instead of trying to restrict your
partner’s behaviour for instance
because restriction with words like “you
must stop this habit at once’ will only
aggravate issues. It is a matter of
discipline and acceptance to try and
stop, once there is a will there is a way.
If you desire to help your partner to stop,
then the best method is to
Talk to them about the habit.
Find out what triggers it (for instance
work pressure).
Ask them how you can help them stop
it.
Give mental and moral support; don’t
make them feel ashamed.
Try to turn their attention to something
else, so that they get to use their time
constructively.
Do it slowly, change cannot happen
overnight.
Know when to seek professional help.
Learning to stop masturbating is a
process and this process takes time. To
overcome this behaviour you’ve
practised for months and sometimes
even years, you personally need several
coping strategies in order to save your
relationship and cause less damage to
show them you really want to stop.
Keeping a full schedule will cut down on
the opportunities you have for
masturbation. Find activities that are
self-soothing, engaging, or exciting. I
personally recommend joining a gym,
start running or jogging, exert yourself
physically.
You will also need a healthy diet for your
body, caring for yourself may reduce
urges or provide motivation to resist. It
can also provide a new focus for your
energy and efforts. You also need to be
accountable to someone you trust, if
you can find a support group. That
would be excellent and a right path to
recovery. It can also help you develop
new behaviour. You need to limit your
lone time, wear extra clothes at night to
cover everywhere as much as possible,
make it difficult for the temptation to be
successful. Stop everything that triggers
the urge, like porn, sex magazines and
so on, and most of all, be patient with
yourself while healing yourself. Good

luck!





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