Hi,

I'm a black American woman who is married to a Nigerian man. I know some Nigerians who always have relatives visiting for months on end. For instance, the wife's parents may visit for a few months. An aunt may come stay for a month. The children of the couple will share rooms to accomodate. And everyone seems happy. But are they really? I guess from an American point-of-view, I'm thinking about the financial strain it must put on the couple, along with the children not really having their own rooms. I'm also curious about why some Nigerians who are already in a tight living situation want to have additional children. Am I missing something here or is this just certain Nigerians?

I forgot to mention the other family members such as cousins and siblings who'll stay for months (or longer).

Hi there, my brother in law, he has his wife, her sister, and his own sister living under one roof and two of them dont get along and the police have been called a few times. The couples marriage is on the rocks becuase of it. The kids had to sleep in the bed with them!

I would have it for a CERTAIN AGREED amount of time. Call me bad ass westerner but this is a nigerian home I am referring to.

I totally agree with you. I can understand if someone is down on their luck and will stay there for say 6 months, get their finances together and move out for good. What I can't understand is people who come without a plan just to stay indefinitely or a couple always having visitors over. I am trying to understand how someone could be okay giving up their children's rooms to let siblings, cousins, etc. stay there. I've wondered how Nigerians could be so generous. You make a good point. Maybe people are doing this out of sense of duty--not necessarily because they get along.

The never ending visits is as a result of our traditional attachment to extended family. Even if it's uncomfortable, it's a taboo to give family the impression that they're not welcome anytime to your house. You just hope they're smart enough not to abuse it.

It's been the African tradition to have additional children, often in the quest to have multiple sons. Prevailing economic conditions and education is bringing about changes among the younger generation but cultural changes takes time.

Ignorant and selfish folks will continue to have extra kids when it's obvious they can't provide comfortably for the kids. That's why a lot of kids from low income homes in America resort to crime at tender ages.

BlackMamba:

The never ending visits is as a result our traditional attachment to extended family. Even if it's uncomfortable, it's a taboo to give family the impression that they're not welcome anytime to your house. You just hope they're smart enough not to abuse it.

Most cases,its simply show-off. Why will you accomodate a third party,a relative in an already cramped up apartment with ur familly.Sending vibes of well being when not. Now thats pure shenanigan.

BlackMamba:

The never ending visits is as a result our traditional attachment to extended family. Even if it's uncomfortable, it's a taboo to give family the impression that they're not welcome anytime to your house. You just hope they're smart enough not to abuse it.

It's been the African tradition to have additional children, often in the quest to have multiple sons. Prevailing economic conditions and education bringing about changes among the younger generation but cultural changes takes time.

Ignorant and selfish folks will continue to have extra kids when it's obvious they can't provide comfortably for the kids. That's why a lot of kids from low income homes in America resort to crime at tender ages.

BlackMamba,

You have given me some insight. Yes, the Nigerians I know do emphasize having sons even if they already have one. The collective mindset is different from the American individualistic one. Most Americans would question how it would affect them. Do we have space for them? How would this affect our finances? Would we still be able to take a vacation this year? Would this be too much of an inconvenience for me? How long are they going to stay? Is this person fairly easy to get along with? Those are some of the questions that would run through my head.

I have simply been trying to understand Nigerians more since I am married to one. As for poor black Americans, most are barely having two or three kids now. Black Americans on average have 2 children--including the poor ones. Poor people in general have more children than richer people, but that's not the case with poor blacks in the U.S. I think it's safe to say black Americans and Nigerians have triumphs and weaknesses in their respective groups.

iyken:

Most cases,its simply show-off. Why will you accomodate a third party,a relative in an already cramped up apartment with your familly.Sending vibes of well being when not. Now thats pure shenanigan.

hmm. So, some people feel important supporting other relatives.

Reason 101, why I am against inter-anything marriage. There are some things that just can not be explained. A Nigerian woman, that grew up in Nigeria would understand why her husband's family is spending a year in her house, because that's the way it was for her growing up.

There are enough problems in a marriage already. Having a different culture and trying to understand the culture even makes it more difficult.

I don't think there is a better way to explain this to you. If it is bothering you this much, maybe you want to explain it to your husband. He might not see anything wrong in keeping his sister in your house for two years, in lieu of your family going on that vacation.

All the best.

theopops:

Reason 101, why I am against inter-anything marriage. There are some things that just can not be explained. A Nigerian woman, that grew up in Nigeria would understand why her husband's family is spending a year in her house, because that's the way it was for her growing up.

There are enough problems in a marriage already. Having a different culture and trying to understand the culture even makes it more difficult.

I don't think there is a better way to explain this to you. If it is bothering you this much, maybe you want to explain it to your husband. He might not see anything wrong in keeping his sister in your house for two years, in lieu of your family going on that vacation.

All the best.

Inter-cultural marriages take a lot of compromise, but it's worth it when you're with the right person. There is a tendency for people to lean more toward one couple than the other. I do agree with you that if my husband wanted to have for instance his cousin or sister stay with us for 2 years, that would cause a lot of strain. Luckily we've already discussed this. His family comes for Christmas and special occasions. I posed this question because I know Nigerians who always have family passing through or sometimes staying indefinitely. I was just trying to gain more insight. I have noticed Nigerians often don't have the same expectation for Americans as they do fellow Nigerians. Maybe that's why there is some opposition to inter-cultural unions.