As they say, most women are fish-brained. all it takes to know is to dangle the bait.

We have gone out for three years, we have loved each other all through. we hardly quarelled. i made her comfortable, at least to the best of my ability. everybody envied us and thought we were made perfect for each other. we have been faithful to each other (*as far as i know). we planned to marry as soon as i am comfortable enough, probable next year.

But greatest surprise came when   her parents asked for her concent to marry a guy (who stays in US, and now ready to take a wife)  and guess what,
as you already know, she gave her concent.

Giving her concent is not my only problem, but that she gave it in 3hrs.
(her excuses were that she wants to please her parents and the pressure from her family was too much.

When she told me, i thought she was joking. i called her the next day and realize it was true. then when i put off my phone to be unreachable so i can put my pieces together, she came begging with the whole world.
I have forgiven her, but i am disappointed, really don't know how this is going to end.
Please my matured Nairalanders, how bes can i do this??
(a) should i relax with her?
(b) should i be serious (discipline) with her
(c) should i be afraid of her?
(d) should i run from her?
(e) or should i get a "spare" just in case?
in your own openion, what would you do? bearing in mind that  it usually takes me 2-3yrs to find one that really makes me happy, (i don't know why) as i have had only 3 all my life.[b][/b]

Ok, , , lets get things straight here:

Why did she come back begging?
Did the guy change his mind?
Or she changed hers?

What exactly made her come back??

If she came back out of self-will, please do give her a second chance. We humans have a thing to be short-sighted atimes, hey, nobody is perfect. I do agree she was fish-brained to have jumped at it when her family asked for her concent.
But she did come back, thats what a strong relationship is all about, that no matter how much the temptation, you pull out somehow somewhat.

And yes, sometimes this thing about wanting to please our parents can be tempting, everyone wants to be at peace with their family, it takes a strong head to stand up for what they want and go for it.

Comm'on you guys have been together for three years, that should tell you more of who she is, yea she fell for the pressure, but who doesn't in one aspect or the other??

But . .

If she came back, Cos of some set back with their "oversea guy" plan, then sack her butt. She either values her family more, or aint worth your time, either way - - - if another "abroad" guy comes along, she might be doing the same old "about turn", you deserve more hun!!

@cute-ass,

you really are cute.

Yes, she did change her mind.
she came back because she realized that she had made a mistake (as she said). and those who convinced me to accept her back said she was almost running mad since she had not spoken to me for a day.
I really feel for her as she made it seem like she was drugged into taking the actions she did.

But Cutie,
what pressure could a girl be in for her to throw away 3 yrs relationship in 3hrs?
I have always prepared her for situations like this. I used my past as an example, then i also showed her three friends of mine who lost their girlfriends the same way, and the girls never got a second chance. then i showed her one girl ( i could only find one though) who stood by her boyfriend even when her parents were forcing her to marry one American guy from the blues,

Cutie, she had all the preparations,,, but still failed the first test. she is graduating in a couple of months, she will go for NYSC (national youth separation council), and she will work with able men (u know what i mean)in her future office, what is my faith?
my big fear is that, my last relationship ended almost this way. i actually attended my ex-girlfriend's wedding because i forgave her too quickly. and when she had problems in her matrimonial home, she came looking for me, Of-course i had to fly out of the state (it was too risky). now is dejavu for me.
Don't you think i should really learn how to double date?

oje:

@cute-ass,

you really are cute.

Auuuh, thanks eehn

Well dearie, I know you tried to prepare her and all that, tell her similar stories and stuff but the unawareness of man, could be something else. Do remember that atimes, in the matters when it counts most, we forget the counting knowledge.

You said she decided in what? In 3 hrs? Obviously she wasnt thinking straight, you think 3 hrs was enough for her to remember all you guys have been through? What you mean to each other? How much you love each other? Your dreams?

Hell no!! The only thing she could gather with that time was how she wanted to respect her parents and make them happy.

But hey, maybe it was for the better, sometimes we really don't know what we gat until we're about loosing it . . she couldnt stay a day without you . . thats even a bigger lesson for her, shhe learnt from experience, now take my words, after that experience be rest assured she won't be fish-brained next time. The next time, she'll use the 3hrs to remember what a horrible experience it was being apart from you

oje:

Don't you think i should really learn how to double date?

That will be like going against everything you believe in, and not to mention it not being noble at all. What happens when she finds out?? You will be like doing the same thing you're preaching to her againt . . and what happens if both of'em find out?? You'll end up the BIGGEST LOOSER", Cos you'll loose both.

And hey, what makes you think the second would be anything better?? I suggest you try and learn to trust her again, give her some credit and benefit . . when she travels to wherever she's going to, try and be there though you arent there . Visit each other as much as possible, imploy every method there is to making a distant relationship survive and work. Whatever will happen to her there, could be the case even if you guys were living the same house - - i know the risks and chances of her falling for another guy is higher here, but that's just the reason why you should use the time you'll be using to pay this second girl in question attention, to making your relationship the best ever even though you're apart - - Some have been there, and conquered, , , , now who the hell says both of'ya aren't up to the task?? Now is time to prove them wrong

Good luck pal!!

@oje
(a) should i relax with her?
        i guess u mean if u should continue being angry with her. anger solves nothing it just blinds our ability to think rationally.  at this moment u need to weigh the consequences of ur accepting her, if 3hrs was all she needed to throw away the relationship then such action raises a lot of question about her love for u.

(b) should i be serious (discipline) with her
        if u must discipline her is it out of love or revenge?check ur motives.

(c) should i be afraid of her?
        by this i guess u mean doubting her love for u, if i were in ur shoes i will seriously doubt her love for me. yes be afraid and thread cautiously.

(d) should i run from her?
         run to where?stay and resolve the issue.  
         
(e) or should i get a "spare" just in case?
         as if that will make things better. u will only be telling the spare that she is a substitute, no human male or female deserves such treatment.

degubi:

@oje
(a) should i relax with her?
i guess u mean if u should continue being angry with her. anger solves nothing it just blinds our ability to think rationally. at this moment u need to weigh the consequences of your accepting her, if 3hrs was all she needed to throw away the relationship then such action raises a lot of question about her love for u.

(b) should i be serious (discipline) with her
if u must discipline her is it out of love or revenge?check your motives.

(c) should i be afraid of her?
by this i guess u mean doubting her love for u, if i were in your shoes i will seriously doubt her love for me. yes be afraid and thread cautiously.

(d) should i run from her?
run to where?stay and resolve the issue.

(e) or should i get a "spare" just in case?
as if that will make things better. u will only be telling the spare that she is a substitute, no human male or female deserves such treatment.

word!!

a) should i relax with her?
       Yes oh, let her know you are hurt by it and be honest, it is human to feel the way you do

(b) should i be serious (discipline) with her
      Sorry to tell you this but once we become ADULTS enough to make up our own minds, there is very little or nOTHINg discipline does to us,. WE do what WE want when we want

(c) should i be afraid of her?
(d) should i run from her?
    That depends on your answer to this question HOW WELL DO YOU THINK YOU REALLY KNOW HER?, i mean if u can vouch that she is the kind of person that will please ppl even to her detriment, then there might a chance she was trying to please her parents. afterall she never marry d guy kpata-kpata abi?,

(e) or should i get a "spare" just in case?
STOP that way of thinking, ur both old enuff, no need for games, get your feelings out in the open and try to work things forward and if you feel u cant get over the betrayal, MOVE ON, DEM NO CHAIN U DIA ABI?

oh mehn!!!
she mite be rili sorry
we all make mistakes
jst giv ha anoda chance
three years is no joke at all
let her in again and pick up those pieces
everything wud be alrite it yu do it rite this tym

@cuteass

well said!!!

SHIT HAPPENS!!!!!!!
u av to move on, as sum gurl said let it burn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hang out with friends and shake it off

I dont really like objectives but i'll go with A.Should i relax for her

pls, forgive her 4 real. Girls, we can be like that sometimes. indecisive. 4 her to come back 2 u, she certainly realized that she loves u. One thing though, let her know that she should not try something like that again. or else, she might just do it again knowing fully well that u will take her back. Just u know, do shakara 4 her small, let her know u are not that disposable, make her learn her lesson and then bring her into ur arms wit love.

MY WORD-
PREPARE YOURSELF FOR THE WORST,COS IT WILL ALWAYS COME BACK TO HER.
IS JUST THAT SHE CAN'T REALLY COPE WITH IT NOW,LADIES DON'T VALUE WHAT THEY HAVE UNTIL THEY LOSE IT.
OPEN YOUR EYES TO EVERY LITTLE BUT DON'T FIGHT HER,IF SHE'S YOURS,SHE WILL STAY FOREVER.
***SHIT HAPPENS***

I say leave her she can not be trusted find someone now

oje:

As they say, most women are fish-brained. all it takes to know is to dangle the bait.

We have gone out for three years, we have loved each other all through. we hardly quarelled. i made her comfortable, at least to the best of my ability. everybody envied us and thought we were made perfect for each other. we have been faithful to each other (*as far as i know). we planned to marry as soon as i am comfortable enough, probable next year.

But greatest surprise came when   her parents asked for her concent to marry a guy (who stays in US, and now ready to take a wife)  and guess what,
as you already know, she gave her concent.

Giving her concent is not my only problem, but that she gave it in 3hrs.
(her excuses were that she wants to please her parents and the pressure from her family was too much.

When she told me, i thought she was joking. i called her the next day and realize it was true. then when i put off my phone to be unreachable so i can put my pieces together, she came begging with the whole world.
I have forgiven her, but i am disappointed, really don't know how this is going to end.
Please my matured Nairalanders, how bes can i do this??
(a) should i relax with her?
(b) should i be serious (discipline) with her
(c) should i be afraid of her?
(d) should i run from her?
(e) or should i get a "spare" just in case?
in your own openion, what would you do? bearing in mind that  it usually takes me 2-3yrs to find one that really makes me happy, (i don't know why) as i have had only 3 all my life.[b][/b]

the only thing i can say is this;
once we're in a relationshionship clocking 2yrs+, we must be very vigilant and never give room for any fuckin mistakes.
Cos i strongly believe that during this period genuine honesty must be put in place, the happiness of the other person must be the main priority, regardless of any advice coming even from one's parents.
Cos if mistake should happpen at this critical time, the simple truth is that it can never be normal (as it used to be).
Cos there'll always exist an iota of doubt, forgiveness can happen, but can one actually 'forget' the whole scenario

forgive her. nt because its easy bt co its needed for ur own recovery. Forgiveness gives God the chance to heal he our emotions.

Now let her goooooooooooooo. Dia r sm things that shldnt b overlooked. She will still deny u again even in another circumstance.
if u r truly a man, release her. Ive bn there before.

if u cant let go, then u wont b abl 2 hold on even wit d next person that'll com. smbody go definately come.
bt forgive and release her totally frm yr spirit

Okay,nw on a mur serious note. TRU LOVE neva dies.okay! So if u truly lovd her ehn.even if she puts pepper in ur mother's pants(just jokin o) u wud 4gve 777777777 tyms

forgive her first before letting her go, holding on to anger and bitterness will only eat ur soul and make u loose out on the opportuinities out there to find love. but above all let her go and move on with ur life, u are no substitute boyfriend.

Let her go. If she left you once for what she thought was 'greener pastures' she'll do it again.

But forgive her. not because you want to but because you have to. Only when you forgive her can you truly move on.

don't be held back by her smallness. Don't also judge her too harshly; who amongst us can claim perfection?

You will find love again, but first let it go. Your life will be better for it. It's up to u.

Peace

I am so glad for all your wonderful replies. its so good to be a Nairalander. You have all answered the questions in my heart one way or the other. thank you all.
I will definitely let you know how it goes and give feedback on whose advice best predicts future events.
Once again, i am really grateful.

@Cute-ass,
pls hit me on ojekere@yahoo.com I will be glad to have your Id.

As i said earlier, my girlfriend and i are still talking. Though she feels very sorry for what happend and she has promised that it will never happen again (i don't know whether to believe that), but she still doubts if i can still trust her the way i used to as she now questions every little change in my character, To be quite sincere, that question might be too early for me to answer. i have done allot of risky sacrifices for her in the past. what confidence do i have to continue in that trend?
From our coversations these days, she comes up with questions that gives me a lead to the fact that she does not accept some of my future policies (mostly about her responsibilities if she becomes my wife). this gets me scared and make me think that she knows what she is doing. Oh my God! i am so confused!!
I have full hope in God to get me through this because i do not want to loose the right woman due to ignorance, neither do i want to live with the wrong woman for the rest of my life (i have no plans for divorce, ever) due to the same ignorance
Thank you all anyways.

Like the old saying “experience is the best teacher”

She left you without thinking twice: Note that; she might have been connected to some other guy. She might have been convinced by her parents. Girls who can’t stand pressure shouldn’t be given a second chance. She would do it again.
If she can throw away three years away, then she’s capable of wrecking more havoc in your life. I would advise you to be on the red alert.

She came to beg you: It might be a game she might just be using you, making a fool out of you simply because she knows you’re in love with her and you’re ready to do anything to get her back.

Now to your question?

(a) should i relax with her?: you don’t need to relax . What you have to do is to get realistic with her. Tell her what’s on your mind once and for all.

(b) Should I be serious (discipline) with her: Yea get serious with her. So she’s would know the kind of person you are.

(c) Should if be afraid of her?: what are you afraid of? Did you offend her? Look you have to let her know that she’s not the only girl in the world. The more you let her know that, the better it is for you. Go get another girl and make sure she sees you with the other girl. So whatever it is in her brain would make her know there are many fishes in the river.

(d) Should I run from her? : What are you running away from? Are you a thief? Stay wherever you are so she can know that she doesn’t have the power over you. If you run, you are accepting defeat and making yourself a looser. You would make her torment you the more by calling and telling you how much she misses you.
I would advice you to stay there and let her know what you’ve decided to do with her once and for all.

(e) Or should i get a "spare" just in case?: Yes go get yourself a spare.

Good luck.

(a) should i relax with her?: Why give yourself hypertension over a woman? simply relax and watch as things develop, it is not the end of the world.

(b) Should I be serious (discipline) with her: Sit her down and give her a proper talking to, let her know she has an ultimatum, either choose you or leave and go respect her parents. Trust me her parents did not put enough pressure on her neither do i think the American guy was that serious if not she wouldnt have run back to you.

(c) Should if be afraid of her?: Afraid of her for what reason?

(d) Should I run from her? : Running from what? Stay and face the issue, running away does not solve any problem.

(e) Or should i get a "spare" just in case?: You dont need a spare, either you stick with her or you go start afresh with someone else.

- here's my candid oppinion - i'm not a fan of long term relationships. I would not put the entire blame on ur girl, even you are not sure when you want to settle down with her (u're saying "maybe" next yr). Marriage to a woman is not all about love 100% of the time, especially for Naija women the important thing is financial security hence why she will likely jump for another yankee guy when next the opportunity presents itself.
3 yrs is too long to date a woman without any commitments!