As most of you know, the world will end in four days. Or, more accurately, the Rapture will occur in four days, and five months later the world will end. This much is indisputable fact. But what fun activities can we accomplish before then? Here are some things for you to do before the Big Whatever hits us in 96 hours.

#1: Get a Fifty-Gallon Drum and Fill It With Holy Water - For you heathen dogs out there that won't be raptured, a gun will be completely useless against your fellow sin-zombies. The Great Lie, perpetuated by the devil-worshipers in Hollywood -- that you can kill a zombie by shooting it in the head -- will not serve you now. Coat a spear in holy water and aim for the gallbladder, where the sinner's soul is trapped. It's your only hope.

#2: Stock Up on Essentials - Science has proven that the apocalyptic earthquakes will turn all water into rivers of blood. Even bottled Fiji water. So stock up on this, as the injuries you suffer from Prius-sized/shaped hail will force you to get a blood transfusion roughly once every other day. Also, stock up on Schlitz. Bud Light is mined from the Fountains of Depravity in Belgium, center of the One World Government that will take all of our Bibles (King James version only) and drop them over Greenland.

#3: Get a White Robe - The 144,000 Christians who will be lifted to Heaven will all have them; for chrissakes, if you don't have a white robe go to Macy's right now! Go on -- this article will still be on the internets for a good three and a half more days, before the world's electricity is turned to liquid fat and all electronic devices are permanently burned with a screensaver of Jesus giving the remaining heathens the finger.

#4: Pop The Passion of the Christ Into the VCR - Time to dump all those incriminating photos of underage worshipers you took at the last Family Lock-In into your neighbor's recycling bin, and put this Mel Gibson classic on endless repeat. You've got 96 hours: That's approximately 10 showings, if my Judgment Math skills are correct. As an added bonus, any sin-zombies who wander into your empty home for food or shelter will see Christ getting flayed alive, and remember a simpler time.

#5. Distance Yourself From Non-Believers - You may be tempted to spend the next four days with people you will never see again. You know, on account of you being in Heaven playing pool with God, and them being in a nightmarish hellscape of profane fire for that one time they doubted your math skills on the internet. Don't give in!! Stay away from the damned for the next four days: When you and your family are being zapped up to Heaven, these unscrupulous sinners will hold onto your legs as you fly up into the clouds. And God's tractor beam is only strong enough for the first 144,000 Christians.

#6: Avoid Having Sex At All Costs - With the Rapture in five days and the proper end of the world in five months, it would just be a waste of time; despite what we've been telling you in Marriage Class, babies aren't actually delivered by Jesus Storks after two Christians make a hefty donation to our ministries while their phone is touching the bed. Save your precious sperm for all the bonin' you'll be doing in Heaven.

Seun, For the love of God yank this profanity out of here. They cannot be making jokes about things like this here. They saying Jesus giving sinners the finger, repeating it really hurts.

Seun Please.

OMG, Even Jesus can take a joke

Lol!