Good morning Nairaland members, I hope we have all had a nice week and are looking forward to the weekend.

I brought this issue here hoping for workable suggestions after seeing how you have helped other people with their various problems.

Apologies for the long post but I really need your help.

As far as I can remember my mother has always had some kind of issue with me, I don’t know, it’s like she hates me or something. Constant screaming, embarrassment, reporting me to my dad or her siblings since I was small. I usually chalked it up to traditional African upbringing or that she was tired or stressed from work but after visiting family back home (I grew up abroad) and them also coming to stay here I can say there is a difference between traditional/strict parenting and actual abusive behaviour.

Children are the centre of every Nigerian mother’s life and even if they have some tough love techniques or discipline that may look harsh to me as an oyibo they always show their love in other ways that you can observe.

Like making sure the child always looks neat, teaching them things they need to know especially female children like cooking, washing. At least you can always tell that the love is there even if its not all kissing or “I love you” and all that.

A small example: I would always end up at school with my hair messy and tattered, I wasn’t allowed to style it in the salon even though she always make sure her own hair looked good. If I asked to get a nice childrens style at a salon she would report that I’m trying to be like all these Jamaicans, Akata and so on. But when I visited Nigeria I never once saw any little girl whose hair wasn’t done nicely, even if they were living in the slums. And again, other Nigerian/Ghanaian children in the same school never looked the way I did so how is this an Africa vs. Akata issue?

It may sound silly now but it’s just a small example of her neglectful and nasty attitude that does not relate to being from Africa or being a good Christian or whatever.

If I wanted to ask her something she would snap at me and start being hostile, after a simple mistake she would tell me that I’m like my father’s side, and she placed a curse on me that my younger siblings would grow up to surpass me. Is this from African culture?

If I’m cooking she’s nagging everywhere, why am I doing it like this, why am I slicing it like that, why am I taking so long, why am I this and that. That I should stop blocking the kitchen and allow other people to use it. But when I ask what the correct way to do it is, she won’t tell me; she would prefer to mock me in front of everybody. Knowing how important cooking is for women in our culture why chase your daughter away from the kitchen?

What bothers me the most is that she is always very nice and kind to other people’s children (cousins, classmates, neighbours) and just normal with my siblings but the complete opposite when it comes to me. If she were just a mean person who was horrible to everybody, it would be much easier to handle but she’s not! All this seems to be reserved for me and me only.

As I grew older and started university I thought she was mellowing a little bit because she would draw me closer and have conversations but I noticed that most times her “niceness” was actually just manipulation to get me to do what she wanted, using me to dump her problems with my dad or to stop me becoming more independent. Any sign of independence and the insults start flying again, this is from somebody who always narrates how children start boarding school in Africa when they are 11 years old and university at 16 years old and don’t need to keep staying near their parents all the time.

I tried talking to her about the way she behaves but it always ended badly with her getting offended, telling me I’m being disrespectful and so on.

Actually after reading similar threads on Twitter/Nairaland I realised that the majority of elder African people would feel insulted if their child tried to broach such an issue with them, so I decided to abandon that method and I actually quite regret it.

And I also regret answering her back and getting into arguments with her because it only dragged me down to a lower standard and messed up my temperament without solving anything. As well as providing a poor example to my siblings and giving her more ammunition against me to report me with. I don’t like myself whenever I’m near her at all.

Eventually when I realised she was never going to change and seeing the impact it was having on my life and behaviour I just dropped all contact with her and avoided her completely. I do feel much better and I wish I had done this sooner but I think it harms me in the long-term.

For example when I get married she will have to be an integral part of the arrangements and beyond but I really don’t want anything to do with her, I don’t miss her at all and I can’t stand her. I can’t imagine her coming to visit or doing omugwo or anything like that. Can you imagine doing all that with somebody who even drags the kitchen with you??

There are countless times where I went against my own wishes and obeyed her trying to be a respectful daughter only for her to turn around and blame me when it went wrong and I strongly suspect that my future marriage will follow the same pattern if I don’t keep her away from it. But this approach only obtains in Western society where you can get married without anybodys input and not in Nigeria where you need your family to back you in everything.

I dont stay in the family home anymore but I don’t know what to do because avoiding her essentially means avoiding my whole family. I can’t isolate any contact with them without her being involved in it somehow. At the same time I can’t imagine being stuck in her bondage again.

What do I do please?

The solution is simple, like you said, avoid her at all time, don't stay in the same apartment with her, rent yours in a different location, wouldn't advice you to cut off completely with her since she's your biological mother unless she's not.

This is huge and very complex.

To begin with, you are on track by staying away from her and her toxicity.

I do not know the circumstances of your birth vis a vis your mum's relationship with your dad and your paternal relationship with your other siblings.

The reason why I'm pointing out the above is to ascertain if this could be a sort of transferred hatred for your dad onto you.

I'd advise you to continue to keep her at arm's length seeing how all your attempts and entreaties to have a better relationship with her isn't yielding anything positive.

Talking about your marriage and her involvement or not thereof. As your mother, I think it is her right to be involved in your marriage but her level of involvement can still be controlled by you.

Of course, she'd be duly honoured as the mother of the bride but there is nowhere it is carved on the stone that her involvement must go deeper than that considering the circumstance surrounding your relationship with her.

In whatever you do, continue to give her that respect as a mother while not forgetting to secure/protect your own well being and sanity.

Wishing you loads of strength and wisdom to navigate through this.

redrose88:
Good morning Nairaland members, I hope we have all had a nice week and are looking forward to the weekend.

I brought this issue here hoping for workable suggestions after seeing how you have helped other people with their various problems.

Apologies for the long post but I really need your help.

As far as I can remember my mother has always had some kind of issue with me, I don’t know, it’s like she hates me or something. Constant screaming, embarrassment, reporting me to my dad or her siblings since I was small. I usually chalked it up to traditional African upbringing or that she was tired or stressed from work but after visiting family back home (I grew up abroad) and them also coming to stay here I can say there is a difference between traditional/strict parenting and actual abusive behaviour.

Children are the centre of every Nigerian mother’s life and even if they have some tough love techniques or discipline that may look harsh to me as an oyibo they always show their love in other ways that you can observe.

Like making sure the child always looks neat, teaching them things they need to know especially female children like cooking, washing. At least you can always tell that the love is there even if its not all kissing or “I love you” and all that.

A small example: I would always end up at school with my hair messy and tattered, I wasn’t allowed to style it in the salon even though she always make sure her own hair looked good. If I asked to get a nice childrens style at a salon she would report that I’m trying to be like all these Jamaicans, Akata and so on. But when I visited Nigeria I never once saw any little girl whose hair wasn’t done nicely, even if they were living in the slums. And again, other Nigerian/Ghanaian children in the same school never looked the way I did so how is this an Africa vs. Akata issue?

It may sound silly now but it’s just a small example of her neglectful and nasty attitude that does not relate to being from Africa or being a good Christian or whatever.

If I wanted to ask her something she would snap at me and start being hostile, after a simple mistake she would tell me that I’m like my father’s side, and she placed a curse on me that my younger siblings would grow up to surpass me. Is this from African culture?

If I’m cooking she’s nagging everywhere, why am I doing it like this, why am I slicing it like that, why am I taking so long, why am I this and that. That I should stop blocking the kitchen and allow other people to use it. But when I ask what the correct way to do it is, she won’t tell me; she would prefer to mock me in front of everybody. Knowing how important cooking is for women in our culture why chase your daughter away from the kitchen?

What bothers me the most is that she is always very nice and kind to other people’s children (cousins, classmates, neighbours) and just normal with my siblings but the complete opposite when it comes to me. If she were just a mean person who was horrible to everybody, it would be much easier to handle but she’s not! All this seems to be reserved for me and me only.

As I grew older and started university I thought she was mellowing a little bit because she would draw me closer and have conversations but I noticed that most times her “niceness” was actually just manipulation to get me to do what she wanted, using me to dump her problems with my dad or to stop me becoming more independent. Any sign of independence and the insults start flying again, this is from somebody who always narrates how children start boarding school in Africa when they are 11 years old and university at 16 years old and don’t need to keep staying near their parents all the time.

I tried talking to her about the way she behaves but it always ended badly with her getting offended, telling me I’m being disrespectful and so on.

Actually after reading similar threads on Twitter/Nairaland I realised that the majority of elder African people would feel insulted if their child tried to broach such an issue with them, so I decided to abandon that method and I actually quite regret it.

And I also regret answering her back and getting into arguments with her because it only dragged me down to a lower standard and messed up my temperament without solving anything. As well as providing a poor example to my siblings and giving her more ammunition against me to report me with. I don’t like myself whenever I’m near her at all.

Eventually when I realised she was never going to change and seeing the impact it was having on my life and behaviour I just dropped all contact with her and avoided her completely. I do feel much better and I wish I had done this sooner but I think it harms me in the long-term.

For example when I get married she will have to be an integral part of the arrangements and beyond but I really don’t want anything to do with her, I don’t miss her at all and I can’t stand her. I can’t imagine her coming to visit or doing omugwo or anything like that. Can you imagine doing all that with somebody who even drags the kitchen with you??

There are countless times where I went against my own wishes and obeyed her trying to be a respectful daughter only for her to turn around and blame me when it went wrong and I strongly suspect that my future marriage will follow the same pattern if I don’t keep her away from it. But this approach only obtains in Western society where you can get married without anybodys input and not in Nigeria where you need your family to back you in everything.

I don’t know what to do because avoiding her essentially means avoiding my whole family. I can’t isolate any contact with them without her being involved in it somehow. At the same time I can’t imagine being stuck in her bondage again.

What do I do please?

something is wrong somewhere.... Be patient, time will soon come to leave the house for good. You won't be with get in her house forever.

Are you an only child? How old are you? All you have is a clingy and selfish mom. Her life has probably revolved around you and she’s going through her own issues too. She’s definitely a product of her own upbringing so understand this fully, look at her with pity and ignore when she starts behaving funny.

The earlier you get your own independence, the faster you will be able to give her boundaries and let her understand what you will tolerate. She will also respect you! Just know she will try her best to still control your life and will throw tantrums when you resist, that is mostly how our parents do.

All the best, ignore her, find your own house and treat her case with pity or empathy. Don’t take it personal. Now you know what you don’t want your future marriage to ever be like.

Mothers are irreplaceable, you have to talk to her and let her know how you feel. Don’t isolate yourself!

If you have to get your own place, that is fine. So you can set your rules, make sure you visit her and don’t leave her alone o. She will outgrow most of this things as time goes on.

Some people wish they still have theirs

YeyeGbami:
Mothers are irreplaceable, you have to talk to her and let her know how you feel. Don’t isolate yourself!

If you have to get your own place, that is fine. So you can set your rules, make sure you visit her and don’t leave her alone o. She will outgrown most of this things as time goes on.

Some people wish they still have theirs

Not a bad one.

Move away and don't look back, trust me you'll be fine

Try to find out if the man he called ur father is ur biological father. Some mother act weird to the child born out of wedlock. It happens to my neighbour here when he was a kid, the mother is doing exactly same of ur matter. Before he later finds out on his wedding day.

redrose88:
Eventually when I realised she was never going to change and seeing the impact it was having on my life and behaviour I just dropped all contact with her and avoided her completely. I do feel much better and I wish I had done this sooner but I think it harms me in the long-term.

1. For example when I get married she will have to be an integral part of the arrangements and beyond but I really don’t want anything to do with her, I don’t miss her at all and I can’t stand her. I can’t imagine her coming to visit or doing omugwo or anything like that. Can you imagine doing all that with somebody who even drags the kitchen with you??

2. There are countless times where I went against my own wishes and obeyed her trying to be a respectful daughter only for her to turn around and blame me when it went wrong and I strongly suspect that my future marriage will follow the same pattern if I don’t keep her away from it. But this approach only obtains in Western society where you can get married without anybodys input and not in Nigeria where you need your family to back you in everything.

3. I dont stay in the family home anymore but I don’t know what to do because avoiding her essentially means avoiding my whole family. I can’t isolate any contact with them without her being involved in it somehow. At the same time I can’t imagine being stuck in her bondage again.

What do I do please?

First, you have to forgive your mother but also accept that she is who she is and there is nothing you can do about her choices and decisions for her own life abeg. She has a right to be the way she wants to be but no right to shove her bullsheet at you.

1. There are no rules except the ones you choose to subscribe to of your own. Marriage is a contract between a man and woman -no third-parties. So you can have her only grace your party and head back to her life right afterwards.

Omugwos are not mandatory. In other cultures, the man provides all the care needed to aide his wife and newly born baby. That experience helps further cement the bond in the family that your Omugwos deprive them of.

2. You are wrong about the statement in bold. I lived that approach right in that same Nigerian myself. And I am grateful to God for causing me to be an independent mind from as far back as I can remember. I questioned everything and ofcourse clashed with my parents in the process, however, I didn't do any of it out of disrespect but true conviction and I am glad I didn't back down.

I am a better individual today for it as I have none of the typical indoctrination that is the Nigerian mind.

Free your mind and you free your life.

3. Have you tried simply ignoring her. I mean like specially ignore her when she spews her jargons at you and walk away without even raising your voice or eyebrows to acknowledge her. I call it having a mental ignore button for the bullsheet moments. No need to do it in a disrespectful manner, however, you do it in order to maintain your own sanity.

Imagine your mum as you would a bully....yes, parents, particularly our Nigerian parents, can indeed occupy the bully role in the lives of their children. You know now what she is, and so rather than run from her you can choose instead to stand your ground and see if that works better than completely avoiding her.

Too much toxicness in one person.

Op, your best plug is to avoid her completely as you've already started.... Look for a way to be part of your siblings life without involving her.

You have been deeply hurt, unfortunately by someone that should have protected you the most - your mother. How unfortunate.

People like your mother, they not only hurt you, they always want you around, so that they can keep hurting you.
In her case, she feels she has the right to hurt you, simply because she’s your “mother”.
No, she doesn’t!

You don’t have to cut her off completely, but simply make yourself very unavailable to her.
Make it hard for her to reach you, except when very necessary.
She can only hurt you when you make yourself available to her.

Never allow her emotionally manipulate or blackmail you.
Never allow her hurt you again.

redrose88:
Good morning Nairaland members, I hope we have all had a nice week and are looking forward to the weekend.

I brought this issue here hoping for workable suggestions after seeing how you have helped other people with their various problems.

Apologies for the long post but I really need your help.

As far as I can remember my mother has always had some kind of issue with me, I don’t know, it’s like she hates me or something. Constant screaming, embarrassment, reporting me to my dad or her siblings since I was small. I usually chalked it up to traditional African upbringing or that she was tired or stressed from work but after visiting family back home (I grew up abroad) and them also coming to stay here I can say there is a difference between traditional/strict parenting and actual abusive behaviour.

Children are the centre of every Nigerian mother’s life and even if they have some tough love techniques or discipline that may look harsh to me as an oyibo they always show their love in other ways that you can observe.

Like making sure the child always looks neat, teaching them things they need to know especially female children like cooking, washing. At least you can always tell that the love is there even if its not all kissing or “I love you” and all that.

A small example: I would always end up at school with my hair messy and tattered, I wasn’t allowed to style it in the salon even though she always make sure her own hair looked good. If I asked to get a nice childrens style at a salon she would report that I’m trying to be like all these Jamaicans, Akata and so on. But when I visited Nigeria I never once saw any little girl whose hair wasn’t done nicely, even if they were living in the slums. And again, other Nigerian/Ghanaian children in the same school never looked the way I did so how is this an Africa vs. Akata issue?

It may sound silly now but it’s just a small example of her neglectful and nasty attitude that does not relate to being from Africa or being a good Christian or whatever.

If I wanted to ask her something she would snap at me and start being hostile, after a simple mistake she would tell me that I’m like my father’s side, and she placed a curse on me that my younger siblings would grow up to surpass me. Is this from African culture?

If I’m cooking she’s nagging everywhere, why am I doing it like this, why am I slicing it like that, why am I taking so long, why am I this and that. That I should stop blocking the kitchen and allow other people to use it. But when I ask what the correct way to do it is, she won’t tell me; she would prefer to mock me in front of everybody. Knowing how important cooking is for women in our culture why chase your daughter away from the kitchen?

What bothers me the most is that she is always very nice and kind to other people’s children (cousins, classmates, neighbours) and just normal with my siblings but the complete opposite when it comes to me. If she were just a mean person who was horrible to everybody, it would be much easier to handle but she’s not! All this seems to be reserved for me and me only.

As I grew older and started university I thought she was mellowing a little bit because she would draw me closer and have conversations but I noticed that most times her “niceness” was actually just manipulation to get me to do what she wanted, using me to dump her problems with my dad or to stop me becoming more independent. Any sign of independence and the insults start flying again, this is from somebody who always narrates how children start boarding school in Africa when they are 11 years old and university at 16 years old and don’t need to keep staying near their parents all the time.

I tried talking to her about the way she behaves but it always ended badly with her getting offended, telling me I’m being disrespectful and so on.

Actually after reading similar threads on Twitter/Nairaland I realised that the majority of elder African people would feel insulted if their child tried to broach such an issue with them, so I decided to abandon that method and I actually quite regret it.

And I also regret answering her back and getting into arguments with her because it only dragged me down to a lower standard and messed up my temperament without solving anything. As well as providing a poor example to my siblings and giving her more ammunition against me to report me with. I don’t like myself whenever I’m near her at all.

Eventually when I realised she was never going to change and seeing the impact it was having on my life and behaviour I just dropped all contact with her and avoided her completely. I do feel much better and I wish I had done this sooner but I think it harms me in the long-term.

For example when I get married she will have to be an integral part of the arrangements and beyond but I really don’t want anything to do with her, I don’t miss her at all and I can’t stand her. I can’t imagine her coming to visit or doing omugwo or anything like that. Can you imagine doing all that with somebody who even drags the kitchen with you??

There are countless times where I went against my own wishes and obeyed her trying to be a respectful daughter only for her to turn around and blame me when it went wrong and I strongly suspect that my future marriage will follow the same pattern if I don’t keep her away from it. But this approach only obtains in Western society where you can get married without anybodys input and not in Nigeria where you need your family to back you in everything.

I dont stay in the family home anymore but I don’t know what to do because avoiding her essentially means avoiding my whole family. I can’t isolate any contact with them without her being involved in it somehow. At the same time I can’t imagine being stuck in her bondage again.

What do I do please?

She was depressed during your formative years.


Her depression is still untreated.

Maybe your father hurt her badly. So, anytime she remembers it, she'll just pour out the frustrations on you. Otherwise, it may be she just doesn't like your guts.

Avoid her. Also don't invite her for Omugwo if you love yourself. No law against that.

I know a mother who hates her first daughter and would always lay curse on her at the slightest provocation.

She'll tell her, if she knew, she would have flushed her pregnancy when she conceived her. I used to fight her a lot for treating the girl badly before people advised me to stay out of it.

No b that ur real papa she gave you to.
If u r in doubt... go for DNA with ur current father.
Then u will know why she does this to you...
She Is taking out your real father's anger on u.......

Keep her out of important moments/events in your life. When you are getting married, aside attending at the mother of the bride, don't let her handle anything. Let her know that there's someone handling them.

When you put to bed, don't tell her or invite her. Let another person tell her. If she wants come for omugwo, tell her that someone else is doing it.

Maybe when she sees that you are distancing yourself from her, she might start change. But don't budge still. Let your family get involved.

You can get married without her input dear.
Just say you want a very small wedding when you're ready with just 10 people.
Handle the arrnagement yourself. Even if you're going to do traditional wedding, make it an extremely small one of 10 to 20 people that can easily be arranged by any wedding planner or even yourself

Freestainworld:
The solution is simple, like you said, avoid her at all time, don't stay in the same apartment with her, rent yours in a different location, wouldn't advice you to cut off completely with her since she's your biological mother unless she's not.

Good idea

Thank you everybody for your kind words and pieces of advice, I appreciate it a lot.

I agree with you that it is not necessarily a concrete must that my mother comes for omugwo.

The omugwo itself is not really the point, I was just using that to illustrate how awkward it is to be at loggerheads with your mother in a Nigerian context because these moments and milestones come up more often, so taking this kind of action is more noticeable and can end up reflecting badly on you.

I’m always around plenty of other Nigerians, Ghanaians, Pakistanis and the rest. Everybody is familiar with the story of the old-school, uninterested African dad but when it’s the mother suddenly nobody knows what to say.

I know that she was going through a lot when she had me which is why I kept giving her the benefit of the doubt but the destruction and havoc she wrought on my life was just too much. It got to the point that I was so confused and distressed I had to seek advice from a government helpline…even the case worker was apologising…lol…

And yes, of course the technology is there to communicate with any member of the family but the problem is her manipulating the interaction. She did that a lot even when I was staying in the same house as her… so how much more when I’m not even around to defend myself…hmm…

Somebody is asking if I have tried ignoring her…lol…you don’t know this woman…if I’m walking away from her without answering she will just follow me to wherever I am and carry on with the drama…otherwise she will remain silent and later on tell my dad one strange thing to provoke him into coming with full force.

I am just now realising the impact of not physically being around her because one thing she used to do is get very CLOSE to my face and talk very loudly without minding my personal boundaries…yet I overheard her advising one of my siblings never to allow any work colleague to come into her face and shout…that it’s a sackable offence. It seems like even she was indirectly advising me to sack her as my mother.

My main issue here is the situation in the long-term…I’m just wondering how long I can sustain this method without causing harm to myself.

This is the first time I haven’t tried to confront her directly and from all indications, she is already surprised that I lasted this long without caving in and talking to her or telling her my future plans like all the other times. I have received calls and messages from family members I haven’t heard from in years and I have had to ignore them because I can see that they are just trying to make themselves important as “peace-brokers” who handled the wayward oyibo who is quarrelling with her mother and not because they’re actually interested in my well-being. Otherwise where have they been all this time?

This is what I mean when I talk about the African social system as opposed to the Western one. It’s looking like war already and she’s started recruiting soldiers to her camp. I’m at a disadvantage here and I’m just wondering how I can offset it.

It’s so interesting that I made more progress by dodging her and being dishonest than by telling the truth, being assertive and expressing how I feel (as we are encouraged to do over here). As soon as I stopped crying and praying and looked at the whole thing without emotions like a school assignment, everything cleared up.

And my spiritual life is suffering because of this. What part of the Bible am I supposed to be following now when I can only get through by lying and being “disrespectful “?

ImaIma1:
Keep her out of important moments/events in your life. When you are getting married, aside attending at the mother of the bride, don't let her handle anything. Let her know that there's someone handling them.

When you put to bed, don't tell her or invite her. Let another person tell her. If she wants come for omugwo, tell her that someone else is doing it.

Maybe when she sees that you are distancing yourself from her, she might start change. But don't budge still. Let your family get involved.

This seems exactly the right thing to do but I’m just worried about the implications. Blocking your own mother from wedding preparations is a serious business, you know?

But maybe it’s the only way.

I went through worst of what you went through to the point of trying sucide like plenty of times.
I begged food to eat, I walked 2 hours to and fro to school from age 10 to 16yrs.
I cry my self to sleep, I was been slapped in the eyes and not on the cheek.
I was sent to a place to collect food with tfare back home and because the person was not around, I treked for 4 hrs or more to get home and she told me was it's good for me.
I was cursed, but right now I'm the best.
But one thing I always do was to always forgive, it hurts so much, I'm 12 yrs in marriage now, but it was like 2 yrs ego that my tears reduced.
My wife helped me alot, and when it's much for me, God will tell me to go look at my children in their room and would ask me if I go who will take care of them.
I have asked God since I was a child to take me home that I'm tired and was afraid to change to a bad person.
But I always forgive and also pray for her.
But there's always something to learn about all this.
She was involved in my marriage.
Make sure not to break rules of engagement, make sure that you in the place of obedient to God's work.
And always pray and ask God to give U the grace, God is building a character in U.
Biko don't give up.
U re blessed.
I pray for U, that the grace upon me will be upon you too.

The circumstances of your conception and birth may have traumatized her and she may have blamed you subconsciously for it. You may also be reminding her subconsciously of an adversary in your bloodline. These things happen.

I'll advise you still stay away and go for therapy. Do not underestimate how badly this may have affected you. Secondly, get spiritual help too. Heal your heart and mind and spirit.

When you become stronger, you can start mending your relationship with her by forgiving her and reaching out gradually however you can.

***
**
*
How does she relate with your father?

Where's your father?...
.
Whose your biological father?

redrose88:
Thank you everybody for your kind words and pieces of advice, I appreciate it a lot.

I agree with you that it is not necessarily a concrete must that my mother comes for omugwo.

The omugwo itself is not really the point, I was just using that to illustrate how awkward it is to be at loggerheads with your mother in a Nigerian context because these moments and milestones come up more often, so taking this kind of action is more noticeable and can end up reflecting badly on you.

I’m always around plenty of other Nigerians, Ghanaians, Pakistanis and the rest. Everybody is familiar with the story of the old-school, uninterested African dad but when it’s the mother suddenly nobody knows what to say.

I know that she was going through a lot when she had me which is why I kept giving her the benefit of the doubt but the destruction and havoc she wrought on my life was just too much. It got to the point that I was so confused and distressed I had to seek advice from a government helpline…even the case worker was apologising…lol…

And yes, of course the technology is there to communicate with any member of the family but the problem is her manipulating the interaction. She did that a lot even when I was staying in the same house as her… so how much more when I’m not even around to defend myself…hmm…

Somebody is asking if I have tried ignoring her…lol…you don’t know this woman…if I’m walking away from her without answering she will just follow me to wherever I am and carry on with the drama…otherwise she will remain silent and later on tell my dad one strange thing to provoke him into coming with full force.

I am just now realising the impact of not physically being around her because one thing she used to do is get very CLOSE to my face and talk very loudly without minding my personal boundaries…yet I overheard her advising one of my siblings never to allow any work colleague to come into her face and shout…that it’s a sackable offence. It seems like even she was indirectly advising me to sack her as my mother.

My main issue here is the situation in the long-term…I’m just wondering how long I can sustain this method without causing harm to myself.

This is the first time I haven’t tried to confront her directly and from all indications, she is already surprised that I lasted this long without caving in and talking to her or telling her my future plans like all the other times. I have received calls and messages from family members I haven’t heard from in years and I have had to ignore them because I can see that they are just trying to make themselves important as “peace-brokers” who handled the wayward oyibo who is quarrelling with her mother and not because they’re actually interested in my well-being. Otherwise where have they been all this time?

This is what I mean when I talk about the African social system as opposed to the Western one. It’s looking like war already and she’s started recruiting soldiers to her camp. I’m at a disadvantage here and I’m just wondering how I can offset it.

It’s so interesting that I made more progress by dodging her and being dishonest than by telling the truth, being assertive and expressing how I feel (as we are encouraged to do over here). As soon as I stopped crying and praying and looked at the whole thing without emotions like a school assignment, everything cleared up.

And my spiritual life is suffering because of this. What part of the Bible am I supposed to be following now when I can only get through by lying and being “disrespectful “?

I am sorry you had to go through this and yes, I am in a similar situation to yours, very similar, the only thing is that I am a guy.
Now this is what I have done/doing, I am not sure if you can do it, but as a guy, that is how I operate.

Ignore her, do not call her, do not chat her up, if she chats you up, respond very respectfully but very brief.
If she asks for money, give what you have and move on.

Again, do not put her in your plans or tell her your plans. Just pretend as if you do not have a mother...
Try your best not to fight her, when she sees that you are not bulging she will come around, and that is when you now need enough strength to maintain your stance.

Your aim is to forever turn your relationship with her into an official one, that way she knows you deserve respect....

If you can implement this, you will be fine. I kn ow sometimes you will miss her, but the pain she will bring to your life far outweighs the positives so learn to move on.

So many mothers in Nigeria are toxic and bad examples but because of the sentimentalism attached to being a mother, many people are either blind to it, tolerate it of are in self denial...

redrose88:
....

And my spiritual life is suffering because of this. What part of the Bible am I supposed to be following now when I can only get through by lying and being “disrespectful “?

From your follow up... I think you have more than made it clear to us that your mum is a toxic kind of bully, and yes, I agree it is probably best you stay away from her since your father does not seem to even care that this is the treatment dished you by her.

As for your spiritual life, I think you first need to understand that there are no special laws given us by God in Jesus Christ where blood relatives are concerned. So, what you need to pay attention to is learning obey the commandments as stated by Jesus Christ in the 4 gospels - Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.

This is the consequence of forcing everybody in Africa to have kids. Some people know they don’t want kids but have them because of society pressure. You need to shock her one day. Tell her that you did not beg her to be born, she chose to bring you to this world and now you are here, you will only listen to her when she talks to and relates with you in a better way.

My own mum knows I am the queen of polite comebacks. So she does not even worry me, we respect each other. . I protect myself mentally, I really do not allow anyone to mess with that part of me. I will give you response that will have you thinking for days.

oldienavie:


So many mothers in Nigeria are toxic and bad examples but because of the sentimentalism attached to being a mother, many people are either blind to it, tolerate it of are in self denial...

I will use your method, thank you very much.

At the bolded, you understand the whole thing! Very frustrating, especially in our part of the world where it is often justified under the guise of “training” or “discipline”.

horpe132:
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How does she relate with your father?

Where's your father?...
.
Whose your biological father?

I can recall a few times where he intervened and told her to stop shouting at me and she would fix up immediately but go back to the same behaviour after a couple of weeks.

For the most part he leaves us to each other as women and this is where all her manipulation comes in. She only needs to feed him one weird story or provoke me into losing my temper in front of him and that’s it

Kobojunkie:


As for your spiritual life, I think you first need to understand that there are no special laws given us by God in Jesus Christ where blood relatives are concerned. So, what you need to pay attention to is learning obey the commandments as stated by Jesus Christ in the 4 gospels - Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.

I will try it, thank you.

redrose88:
Good morning Nairaland members, I hope we have all had a nice week and are looking forward to the weekend.

I brought this issue here hoping for workable suggestions after seeing how you have helped other people with their various problems.

Apologies for the long post but I really need your help.

As far as I can remember my mother has always had some kind of issue with me, I don’t know, it’s like she hates me or something. Constant screaming, embarrassment, reporting me to my dad or her siblings since I was small. I usually chalked it up to traditional African upbringing or that she was tired or stressed from work but after visiting family back home (I grew up abroad) and them also coming to stay here I can say there is a difference between traditional/strict parenting and actual abusive behaviour.

Children are the centre of every Nigerian mother’s life and even if they have some tough love techniques or discipline that may look harsh to me as an oyibo they always show their love in other ways that you can observe.

Like making sure the child always looks neat, teaching them things they need to know especially female children like cooking, washing. At least you can always tell that the love is there even if its not all kissing or “I love you” and all that.

A small example: I would always end up at school with my hair messy and tattered, I wasn’t allowed to style it in the salon even though she always make sure her own hair looked good. If I asked to get a nice childrens style at a salon she would report that I’m trying to be like all these Jamaicans, Akata and so on. But when I visited Nigeria I never once saw any little girl whose hair wasn’t done nicely, even if they were living in the slums. And again, other Nigerian/Ghanaian children in the same school never looked the way I did so how is this an Africa vs. Akata issue?

It may sound silly now but it’s just a small example of her neglectful and nasty attitude that does not relate to being from Africa or being a good Christian or whatever.

If I wanted to ask her something she would snap at me and start being hostile, after a simple mistake she would tell me that I’m like my father’s side, and she placed a curse on me that my younger siblings would grow up to surpass me. Is this from African culture?

If I’m cooking she’s nagging everywhere, why am I doing it like this, why am I slicing it like that, why am I taking so long, why am I this and that. That I should stop blocking the kitchen and allow other people to use it. But when I ask what the correct way to do it is, she won’t tell me; she would prefer to mock me in front of everybody. Knowing how important cooking is for women in our culture why chase your daughter away from the kitchen?

What bothers me the most is that she is always very nice and kind to other people’s children (cousins, classmates, neighbours) and just normal with my siblings but the complete opposite when it comes to me. If she were just a mean person who was horrible to everybody, it would be much easier to handle but she’s not! All this seems to be reserved for me and me only.

As I grew older and started university I thought she was mellowing a little bit because she would draw me closer and have conversations but I noticed that most times her “niceness” was actually just manipulation to get me to do what she wanted, using me to dump her problems with my dad or to stop me becoming more independent. Any sign of independence and the insults start flying again, this is from somebody who always narrates how children start boarding school in Africa when they are 11 years old and university at 16 years old and don’t need to keep staying near their parents all the time.

I tried talking to her about the way she behaves but it always ended badly with her getting offended, telling me I’m being disrespectful and so on.

Actually after reading similar threads on Twitter/Nairaland I realised that the majority of elder African people would feel insulted if their child tried to broach such an issue with them, so I decided to abandon that method and I actually quite regret it.

And I also regret answering her back and getting into arguments with her because it only dragged me down to a lower standard and messed up my temperament without solving anything. As well as providing a poor example to my siblings and giving her more ammunition against me to report me with. I don’t like myself whenever I’m near her at all.

Eventually when I realised she was never going to change and seeing the impact it was having on my life and behaviour I just dropped all contact with her and avoided her completely. I do feel much better and I wish I had done this sooner but I think it harms me in the long-term.

For example when I get married she will have to be an integral part of the arrangements and beyond but I really don’t want anything to do with her, I don’t miss her at all and I can’t stand her. I can’t imagine her coming to visit or doing omugwo or anything like that. Can you imagine doing all that with somebody who even drags the kitchen with you??

There are countless times where I went against my own wishes and obeyed her trying to be a respectful daughter only for her to turn around and blame me when it went wrong and I strongly suspect that my future marriage will follow the same pattern if I don’t keep her away from it. But this approach only obtains in Western society where you can get married without anybodys input and not in Nigeria where you need your family to back you in everything.

I dont stay in the family home anymore but I don’t know what to do because avoiding her essentially means avoiding my whole family. I can’t isolate any contact with them without her being involved in it somehow. At the same time I can’t imagine being stuck in her bondage again.

What do I do please?

A foul spirit is aiming to turn you against your mother. Your mother isn't a bad person but the entity she is yielding to unknowingly could be aiming to turn you into her enemy. You will be blessed soon, become rich and powerful and the forces of darkness cannot prevent that from happening but they can make sure you hate your mother and never reach out to her in her time of need. Do not listen to your mother's hateful words and don't let her hatred towards you make you abandon her. Instead keep praying for GOD to free her from the spirit of hatred and bitterness and grant her peace. When GOD blesses you, don't forget your mother. Don't let her bad behavior make you abandon her the enemy could use this as a legal ground against you. May the LORD grant you resounding success in this battle. Amen.