I will not say I chose to be an observer, rather, I will say I found myself observing things.

My own experience through what is called life has brought me to a point - that things happen because they want to happen, not because I want them to happen.

I have come to a point where I cannot register my opinion without saying; “I think” or “I feel”. And each time I hear or read anything without this disclaimer, I lose interest instantly.

I’ve been able to see (thanks to the internet) that what’s valid here may not be valid elsewhere. It was a painful experience seeing a belief I cherished so much being dragged and rubbished by different belief/ opinion but I find myself enduring it.

I read every books about every religion accessible to me, free and premium, and by the time I began to fall in love with one I see myself still searching for something new.

All I’m searching for is something to give a “feeling” of satisfaction, unlike many believers, I find it hard to believe anything. Not that I chose not to believe but I can’t just settle with anything.

A book suggested meditation on which I spent couples of years but I later realized that meditation happens, it’s not a practice to be mastered. It’s a state of being.

One thing I observed in the process is that my feelings about things began to change, my mentality change on their own. When I hear people say they are working on themselves, I can’t help but ask how? Can I change my mood or how I feel? May be we aren’t the same – I conclude.

Finally, the urge to read stopped completely, I’m alone but not lonely as myriads of thoughts keep me busy; awake or asleep – I felt I was going mad. Is god punishing me for unbelief?

One day, I was exercising my back, I felt dizzy while twisting and I fell. I felt sick for few days and I noticed a painful sensation has emerged somewhere in my head which remained till today.

Initially, the pain was mild and pulsating, sometimes it becomes extremely difficult to speak or swallow but I feel no fear, yet I feel unsettled for no obvious reason.

With the help of YouTube, I peeped into the cranium and the pain seemed to be coming from what the neuro scientist called “brain stem”; a section of brain that consists: oblongata, mid-brain and pons. My attention was drawn to the twelve pairs of cranial nerves and the interest to look further stopped.

I did looked further though but nothing could explain the reason for the pain. Months passed and the pain is now almost permanent – I sleep with it and wake with it. Then, the pain turned into a form of dragging sensation – it was terrible.

Sometimes I hear sounds as if something is cracking, and one day the pain became more aggressive – I felt a conscious pull on all my organs of senses, the temporal lobe of the cerebrum felt as if to collapse inward, while the middle of my head gave a drilling sensation. It’s as if the cranial nerves have turned into limbs dragging everything dragable.

Then I started contemplating suicide but the courage will not come. I tried starving myself to death but the pain from ulcer is too strong for me. So, what kind of punishment is this? Each night I cursed god and lay down with one prayer on my lip – death, but nothing happened.

All this while, I didn’t notice that my facial structure is changing, the way I talk and the drop of my jaw. It’s as if some muscles are loosening up and for the first time in my conscious life, I realized I’ve been nervous all my life; tensed for no reason.

It’s not something sharable because it comes with a feeling, a feeling I cannot describe with words. it’s like experiencing two life in one, I can feel a part of me withdrawing into the background and a brand new one emerging. The kind of thoughts flowing through the mind now is strange.

You may be wondering why is this in religion section even though it has nothing to do with religion or any form of belief.

You will soon no why, just keep your mind open - I believe nothing and I condemned nothing.



Stay tuned.