Got this from a friend!

BEANS


One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became
apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up
beans. Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way
home from work.
Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that
I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a
small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand.
With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by
the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew
it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home,
I made sure that I released all the gas.


Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed
delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then
blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat
and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He
made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to
answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me
and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was
out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg
and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer
truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my
napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then,
shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was
worse than cooked cabbage.Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the
conversation in the other room, went on like this for another few
minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.When eventually the telephone
farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a
few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands
back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.


My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband
returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked
through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he
removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table
chorused:"Happy Birthday!"


I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I didnt cook this up so i'd really appreciat it if y'all would cut me some slack.

Enjoy.


Newly Discovered chemical element on earth

Element : WOMEN
Symbol : Wm
Atomic mass : Accepted as 53.6 Kg; isotopes may vary
from 40-200 kg.
Occurrence : Copious quantities in all urban areas.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES

1. Boils at room temperature
2. Freezes without any known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter, if incorrectly used.
5. Sweet as Honey if given a proper treatment.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES

1. Have great affinity for Gold, Silver and a range of
precious stones and
absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
2. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and
for unknown cause
3. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly
increases by that.
4. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

TESTS

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when happy.
2. Turns green when placed behind a better specimen.

POTENTIAL HAZARD

illegal to possess more than one, although several can
be maintained at
different locations as long as specimens do not come
in direct contact with
each other.

!! WARNING !!

PROLONGED EXPOSURE TO THIS ELEMENT CAN CAUSE SEVERE
FINANCIAL HEMORRHAGING
AND MENTAL DISTRESS. BE CAUTIOUS
^{inspired by mimiko}

the first joke really caught me off guard. oh my god, that was so it

Nice but the 1st one got me cracking

u guys wont murder me wid lafuta ;Ddhee dhee