As a single woman who desires to be blissfully married, I find that I'm very aware of red flags. I'm not entirely sure if that heightened awareness is a good thing, but it really is what it is for me. Once I detect a consequential red flag, I abort mission.

The truth about most people in unhappy marriages or who are divorced is that they indeed saw the signs that eventually became problems during their courting/dating phase. But for reasons best known to them, they decided to take a plunge regardless.

This is the chief reason why I think people ignore the red flags:

They begin to tell themselves no one is perfect, and so the red flags they've identified are just imperfections they must deal with. However, people do not understand what imperfection means. Imperfection could be something like not having the cutest laugh, not having the most perfect dentition, lacking a great fashion sense, making mistakes in their past, maybe they're not super-talented, maybe they're too trusting and let other people take advantage of them, maybe they're not book-smart/street smart, or simply not meeting the superficial preferences of a dream partner. These are imperfections that some people can decide to accept. But when a person cheats, is violent, physically abusive, has wandering eyes, is unkind in their manner of speaking and attitude towards you, lacks reverence for authority, doesn't show up enough for you, lacks a sense of responsibility, has really bad habits, disrespects people, holds morally bankrupt values and opinions, is lazy, has no earning capacity or the drive to acquire one, always overreacts during conflicts or misunderstandings, etc., none of these imperfections should be tolerated.

I believe that when these signs show up during the relationship, the other party should take a step back and objectively evaluate to make a decision on whether or not to continue the relationship. If you decide to proceed regardless, you've entered a battlefield that you need not have. So why get divorced later on over those same problems? 🫥

Many people, men, and women alike, get desperate when they believe they're ready to get married. They simply begin to over-desire being married. This heart posturing is tricky because your heart and mind become positioned to accept things that ordinarily shouldn't be accepted.

When you desire to be married, there's a right way to wait:


1. The first step is to not be desperate. Understand that there's nothing wrong with being single. Nothing at all. Own it and be comfortable in this status.

2. Understand that as much as you desire being married today, once you finally achieve it, the novelty wears off. It's like every other thing in life. Today, you might be praying to God and desperate for a job. You finally get the job, and you realize that earning a living is hard work. You also begin to desire better jobs and aspire for bigger opportunities. But marriage is different from a job because you can't just wake up and call it quits. A marriage becomes your life.

3. Define your values clearly. Write them out and know what your non-negotiables are. Decide these things when your head is clear. It may take days or weeks, and you might make a few changes over time. But by all means, write out what you desire in a partner. This will guide your choice. When propositions come, before you get deceived by fickle feelings and blinded by activities, you'd have already decided if such a person is a yes or no. Be realistic about the kind of people you can attract, and be willing to work on yourself to be a great partner to the person you desire.

4. The most important step is to bring God in. Trust Him and have sincere conversations with Him every day about the kind of partner you want. Ask Him to be your guide so you'll make no mistakes because He knows the end of a matter from the beginning. Put your trust in Him who is All-knowing, all-powerful, and beyond loving.

5 Decide and decide that you won't settle. You deserve the best there is for you.

6.Keep living your best life every day. Stop holding out on things you need to do for yourself because you're factoring in marriage.

7.Be decent and holy. Stop engaging in immoral behaviors. God can't direct you when you're living sinfully. Cultivate responsible habits.

My 2 cents for today.

Many of them will not show u all their characters till after wedding'' so calm down

Hmmn

PrimadonnaO:
As a single woman who desires to be blissfully married, I find that I'm very aware of red flags. I'm not entirely sure if that heightened awareness is a good thing, but it really is what it is for me. Once ai detect a consequential red flag, I abort mission.

The truth about most people in unhappy marriages or who are divorced is that they indeed saw the signs that eventually became problems during their courting/dating phase. But for reasons best known to them, they decided to take a plunge regardless.

This is the chief reason why I think people ignore the red flags:

They begin to tell themselves no one is perfect, and so the red flags they've identified are just imperfections they must deal with. However, people do not understand what imperfection means. Imperfection could be something like not having the cutest laugh, not having the most perfect dentition, making mistakes in their past, or not meeting the superficial preferences of a dream partner. These are imperfections that some people can decide to accept. But when a person cheats, is violent, physically abusive, has wandering eyes, is unkind in their manner of speaking and attitude towards you, lacks reverence for authority, doesn't show up enough for you, lacks a sense of responsibility, has really bad habits, disrespects people, holds morally bankrupt values and opinions, is lazy, has no earning capacity or the drive to acquire one, always overreacts during conflicts or misunderstandings, etc., none of these imperfections should be tolerated.

I believe that when these signs show up during the relationship, the other party should take a step back and objectively evaluate to make a decision on whether or not to continue the relationship. If you decide to proceed regardless, you've entered a battlefield that you need not have. So why get divorced later on over those same problems? 🫥

Many people, men, and women alike, get desperate when they believe they're ready to get married. They simply begin to over-desire being married. This heart posturing is tricky because your heart and mind become positioned to accept things that ordinarily shouldn't be accepted.

When you desire to be married, there's a right way to wait:


1. The first step is to not be desperate. Understand that there's nothing wrong with being single. Nothing at all. Own it and be comfortable in this status.

2. Understand that as much as you desire being married today, once you finally achieve it, the novelty wears off. It's like every other thing in life. Today, you might be praying to God and desperate for a job. You finally get the job, and you realize that earning a living is hard work. You also begin to desire better jobs and aspire for bigger opportunities. But marriage is different from a job because you can't just wake up and call it quits. A marriage becomes your life.

3. Define your values clearly. Write them out and know what your non-negotiables are. Decide these things when your head is clear. It may take days or weeks, and you might make a few changes over time. But by all means, write out what you desire in a partner. This will guide your choice. When propositions come, before you get deceived by fickle feelings and blinded by activities, you'd have already decided if such a person is a yes or no. Be realistic about the kind of people you can attract, and be willing to work on yourself to be a great partner to the person you desire.

4. The most important step is to bring God in. Trust Him and have sincere conversations with Him every day about the kind of partner you want. Ask Him to be your guide so you'll make no mistakes because He knows the end of a matter from the beginning. Put your trust in Him who is All-knowing, all-powerful, and beyond loving.

5 Decide and decide that you won't settle. You deserve the best there is for you.

6.Keep living your best life every day. Stop holding out on things you need to do for yourself because you're factoring in marriage.

7.Be decent and holy. Stop engaging in immoral behaviors. God can't direct you when you're living sinfully. Cultivate responsible habits.

My 2 cents for today.

I should screenshot this and save it somewhere hidden. What a load of wisdom.

UyaiIncomparabl:


I should screenshot this and save it somewhere hidden. What a load of wisdom.

Thanks, dear.

talented321:
Many of them will not show u all their characters till after wedding'' so calm down

Very true.

Even if they're being sincere in how they present themselves today, they do not even know what they may become tomorrow when certain situations change.

This is one of the reasons why ultimately, in addition to our own due diligence, we must rely on God. He knows tomorrow. He knows the best. So it's a great risk to not be led by God.

Let me ask genuinely. What if we are the ones exhibiting the red flags without being conscious of that fact? What does one do about that?

Most times, we are too fixated on having the right person/spouse without thinking if we are also the right person for them. No one ever believes they are the fault, it's always the other person.

It would interest you to know that many people having problems in their relationships are "faulters" without being conscious of this fact. Many people are "closet narcissists" without knowing. But, when things hit the fan, they claim they were innocent and the other person was the fault. This goes for both genders. Lack of accountability is a zero.

I'm just here trying to point out the hypocritical nature of humans while trying to buttress the paragraph where you talked about "red flags awareness". Maybe, just maybe, we should work on being the right person first without wholly focusing on the picture of the other person being the right one for us alone.

Not to digress from the topic, but, perhaps we should be more accountable and introspective about ourselves a bit more whilst being watchful of the other person too.

UyaiIncomparabl:
Let me ask genuinely. What if we are the ones exhibiting the red flags without being conscious of that fact? What does one do about that?

Most times, we are too fixated on having the right person/spouse without thinking if we are also the right person for them. No one ever believes they are the fault, it's always the other person.

It would interest you to know that many people having problems in their relationships are "faulters" without being conscious of this fact. Many people are "closet narcissists" without knowing. But, when things hit the fan, they claim they were innocent and the other person was the fault. This goes for both genders. Lack of accountability is a zero.

I'm just here trying to point out the hypocritical nature of humans while trying to buttress the paragraph where you talked about "red flags awareness". Maybe, just maybe, we should work on being the right person first without wholly focusing on the picture of the other person being the right one for us.

Yes, it is very true that we should focus on being the right people. We should focus on being the kind of people we want to date, or that we would wish for our children.

But as you've said, yes, sometimes we don't realise our own shortcomings.

This is why emotional intelligence is very important. EI amongst other things, involves being aware of your own limitations.

We can't also over-emphasize the importance of being true to self. Introspect and tell yourself the truth. What are the things you could get better at? What are the weaknesses that need to be fixed?

And then there's the place of feedback. How do you receive feedback? What have other people flagged about your personality. Have you considered them deeply? Should they change?

What did you learn from previous relationships that failed?

What does your partner complain about?

What have been the recurrent issue in your other kinds of relationships (with siblings, friends, neighbours, etc) If we introspect sincerely, we'll find that there are patterns all over the place.

And so when you discover these traits. Sincerely work on them.

We must be people who constantly work on self.

I personally know for instance, that a person who knew me even as little as 3 months ago, shouldn't claim to know me in entirety... because I likely have evolved some.

I believe this is how we must live. To consistently improve.

UyaiIncomparabl:
Let me ask genuinely. What if we are the ones exhibiting the red flags without being conscious of that fact? What does one do about that?

Most times, we are too fixated on having the right person/spouse without thinking if we are also the right person for them. No one ever believes they are the fault, it's always the other person.

It would interest you to know that many people having problems in their relationships are "faulters" without being conscious of this fact. Many people are "closet narcissists" without knowing. But, when things hit the fan, they claim they were innocent and the other person was the fault. This goes for both genders. Lack of accountability is a zero.

I'm just here trying to point out the hypocritical nature of humans while trying to buttress the paragraph where you talked about "red flags awareness". Maybe, just maybe, we should work on being the right person first without wholly focusing on the picture of the other person being the right one for us alone.

Not to digress from the topic, but, perhaps we should be more accountable and introspective about ourselves a bit more whilst being watchful of the other person too.

This is just like being in a church raining fire on your enemies through prayers while you are evil to other people.

Gottiii:


This is just like being in a church raining fire on your enemies through prayers while you are evil to other people.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

PrimadonnaO:



Yes, it is very true that we should focus on being the right people. We should focus on being the kind of people we want to date, or that we would wish for our children.

But as you've said, yes, sometimes we don't realise our own shortcomings.

This is why emotional intelligence is very important. EI amongst other things, involves being aware of your own limitations.

We can't also over-emphasize the importance of being true to self. Introspect and tell yourself the truth. What are the things you could get better at? What are the weaknesses that need to be fixed?

And then there's the place of feedback. How do you receive feedback?

What did you learn from previous relationships that failed?

What does your partner complain about?

What have been the recurrent issue in your other kinds of relationships (with siblings, friends, neighbours, etc) If we introspect sincerely, we'll find that there are patterns all over the place.

And so when you discover these traits. Sincerely work on them.

We must be people who constantly work on self.

I personally know for instance, that a person who knew me even as little as 3 months ago, shouldn't claim to know me in entirety... because I likely have evolved some.

I believe this is how we must live. To consistently improve.

There is no better way to have said this than you just did.

Accepting feedbacks cannot be overemphasized. I appreciate it no matter how brutal and blunt it is.

We should endeavor to be better versions of ourselves than we were yesterday.

Gottiii:


This is just like being in a church raining fire on your enemies through prayers while you are evil to other people.

You get the drift.

UyaiIncomparabl:
Let me ask genuinely. What if we are the ones exhibiting the red flags without being conscious of that fact? What does one do about that?

Most times, we are too fixated on having the right person/spouse without thinking if we are also the right person for them. No one ever believes they are the fault, it's always the other person.

It would interest you to know that many people having problems in their relationships are "faulters" without being conscious of this fact. Many people are "closet narcissists" without knowing. But, when things hit the fan, they claim they were innocent and the other person was the fault. This goes for both genders. Lack of accountability is a zero.

I'm just here trying to point out the hypocritical nature of humans while trying to buttress the paragraph where you talked about "red flags awareness". Maybe, just maybe, we should work on being the right person first without wholly focusing on the picture of the other person being the right one for us alone.

Not to digress from the topic, but, perhaps we should be more accountable and introspective about ourselves a bit more whilst being watchful of the other person too.

Wow! So you're this wise? Thumbs up!

I love your balanced judgement on this topic. Some people fail to see that they're actually the problems but would focus on the other person instead of working on themselves.

Jman06:
Wow! So you're this wise? Thumbs up!

I love your balanced judgement on this topic. Some people fail to see that they're actually the problems but would focus on the other person instead of working on themselves.

Thanks.

Accountability, feedback, and introspection should be embraced while working on being a better version of ourselves, and also looking out for the red flags from the other party.

UyaiIncomparabl:


Thanks.

Accountability, feedback, and introspection should be embraced while working on being a better version of ourselves, and also looking out for the red flags from the other party.

Yeah.

I think the bottomline is to try and know as much as possible about the other person, and then compare and contrast their pros and cons. Thereafter we can decide if we can cope with the cons because there's no way we can find a perfect person.

The girl I was about to settle down with this year takes too long in the bathroom. She spend more than 45 minutes when bathing.
When I complained, she told me that is her life, I should let her be.
So I let her be.

Exmilitant:
The girl I was about to settle down with this year takes too long in the bathroom. She spend more than 45 minutes when bathing.
When I complained, she told me that is her life, I should let her be.
So I let her be.

Good for her.

Reinamaria:


Good for her.

are you for her or for me

UyaiIncomparabl:
Let me ask genuinely. What if we are the ones exhibiting the red flags without being conscious of that fact? What does one do about that?

Most times, we are too fixated on having the right person/spouse without thinking if we are also the right person for them. No one ever believes they are the fault, it's always the other person.

It would interest you to know that many people having problems in their relationships are "faulters" without being conscious of this fact. Many people are "closet narcissists" without knowing. But, when things hit the fan, they claim they were innocent and the other person was the fault. This goes for both genders. Lack of accountability is a zero.

I'm just here trying to point out the hypocritical nature of humans while trying to buttress the paragraph where you talked about "red flags awareness". Maybe, just maybe, we should work on being the right person first without wholly focusing on the picture of the other person being the right one for us alone.

Not to digress from the topic, but, perhaps we should be more accountable and introspective about ourselves a bit more whilst being watchful of the other person too.

This is just beautiful!

Exmilitant:
are you for her or for me

For her of course.
A good skincare routine requires time.

Reinamaria:


For her of course.
A good skincare routine requires time.

So if we have a function to attend I will have to wait for hours for her to properly preen herself ?
I bade her goodbye and good riddance.

Exmilitant:
So if we have a function to attend I will have to wait for hours for her to properly preen herself ?

She'll start to prepare on time.

I bade her goodbye and good riddance.

You never really liked her in the first place.

Reinamaria:


She'll start to prepare on time.


You never really liked her in the first place.

on the contrary, she was not ready to adjust and like the op remarked, those are red flags that would pose a problem when left untended.
I am still searching though. There is a lady pastor I have a date with tonight. She has her own church!

Typing....

Great, great post, PrimadonnaO. You've always been one of my favorite female posters on here. I agree with all you've written, girl.

Re. your point about imperfections people shouldn't accept: I would say these are actually non-physical flaws that are difficult to change in people [why anyone would even want the stress of changing a whole adult, is beyond me] and hard for people themselves to change [that is, if they're willing to]. With the exception of physical imperfections [e.g. height] stemming from genetics that cannot be changed, non-genetic physical imperfections can be sorted one way or another. Someone with imperfect dentition can go to the Dentist or Orthodontist to fix their teeth. Someone with a poor dress sense can upgrade their wardrobe or get a personal stylist to teach them how to dress. However, someone who cheats, lies, is a sexist, is controlling, refuses to work, and so on, will be difficult to change, as these are character flaws that are set in stone by adulthood. I've read stories of women here on NL who are either dating or unfortunately married to men with flaws like these and I would read comments like: "nobody's perfect", "you can teach him to change", "pray for him", and then there's the "manage am like that" crew, encouraging women to stay in these unhappy relationships or marriages.

That said, there're women themselves who knowingly stay in these situations for the above reasons or other reasons. For instance, I remember arguing with a woman last year on FB after I commented under a post [about men cheating] that I'll never marry a cheater nor will I stay in a marriage with a man who cheats. It was someone else's post that I commented on ooo but somehow this woman decided to reply my comment to argue with me that "there are no faithful men out there" and that "all men cheat". She was aggressively arguing with me, as if na by force to buy into the same bullshit beliefs as her. She looked older, so I'm assuming she's married and perhaps has a cheating husband. In any case, someone like her will definitely see signs before marriage that the man is unfaithful to her yet will continue the relationship and proceed into marriage. Women should be careful taking advice from another woman like her. Some women are unhappily married and want single women to fall into the same trap. It's better to be single than to be stuck in a miserable marriage.

So, yes, the signs will always be there before marriage that someone has one or more of those character flaws yet some people will knowingly walk into it and become miserable during the marriage. People should understand that these flaws will not disappear during marriage nor can they change the person [again, whytf would you want to marry only to be going through the wahala of changing a grown man?] but will worsen. If someone knows they can get away with [a] particular behavior[s] before marriage, they will most definitely continue within marriage. In fact, they will be more freer-er to continue after marriage because they know the woman is a mumu who is not going anywhere.

To conclude, I think all of these boils down to what people are willing to accept for themselves, as that is how they will be treated. If a man knows a woman has low standards and will accept his rubbish behaviors, that is what he will give her unfailingly.

Exodus15v11:
Great, great post, PrimadonnaO. You've always been one of my favorite female posters on here. I agree with all you've written, girl.

Re. your point about imperfections people shouldn't accept: I would say these are actually non-physical flaws that are difficult to change in people [why anyone would even want the stress of changing a whole adult, is beyond me] and hard for people themselves to
change [that is, if they're willing to]. With the exception of physical imperfections [e.g. height] stemming from genetics that cannot be changed, non-genetic physical imperfections can be sorted one way or another. Someone with imperfect dentition can go to the Dentist or Orthodontist to fix their teeth. Someone with a poor dress sense can upgrade their wardrobe or get a personal stylist to teach them how to dress. However, someone who cheats, lies, is a sexist, is controlling, refuses to work, and so on, will be difficult to change, as these are character flaws that are set in stone by adulthood. I've read stories of women here on NL who are either dating or unfortunately married to men with flaws like these and I would read comments like: "nobody's perfect", "you can teach him to change", "pray for him", and then there's the "manage am like that" crew, encouraging women to stay in these unhappy marriages.

That said, there're women themselves who knowingly stay in these situations for the above reasons or other reasons. For instance, I remember arguing with a woman last year on FB after I commented under a post [about men cheating] that I'll never marry a cheater nor will I stay in a marriage with a man who cheats. It was someone else's post that I commented on ooo but somehow this woman decided to reply my comment to argue with me that "there are no faithful men out there" and that "all men cheat". She was aggressively arguing with me, as if na by force to buy into the same bullshit beliefs as her. She looked older, so I'm assuming she's married and perhaps has a cheating husband. In any case, someone like her will definitely see signs before marriage that the man is unfaithful to her yet will continue the relationship and proceed into marriage. Women should be careful taking advice from another woman like her. Some women are unhappily married and want single women to fall into the same trap. It's better to be single than to be stuck in a miserable marriage.

So, yes, the signs will always be there before marriage that someone has one or more of those character flaws yet some people will knowingly walk into it and become miserable during the marriage. People should understand that these flaws will not disappear during marriage nor can they change the person [again, whytf would you want to marry only to be going through the wahala of changing a grown man?] but will worsen. If someone knows they can get away with [a] particular behavior[s] before marriage, they will most definitely continue within marriage. In fact, they will be more freer-er to continue after marriage because they know the woman is a mumu who is not going anywhere.

To conclude, I think all of these boils down to what people are willing to accept for themselves, as that is how they will be treated. If a man knows a woman has low standards and will accept his rubbish behaviors, that is what he will give her unfailingly.

This here is a gospel!!!


Thanks, sis!

You fleshed it out real good!

Klass99:
Primma O, this was a beautiful piece. I enjoyed reading it. Na this kind thing Bukatyn.e dey like.

Uyai, marriage suits you well . I like this new version of you, the old version didn't bother me sha.

Lol.

Thanks, sis.

Marriage really does suit Uyai well!

.

UyaiIncomparabl:
Let me ask genuinely. What if we are the ones exhibiting the red flags without being conscious of that fact? What does one do about that?

Most times, we are too fixated on having the right person/spouse without thinking if we are also the right person for them. No one ever believes they are the fault, it's always the other person.

It would interest you to know that many people having problems in their relationships are "faulters" without being conscious of this fact. Many people are "closet narcissists" without knowing. But, when things hit the fan, they claim they were innocent and the other person was the fault. This goes for both genders. Lack of accountability is a zero.

I'm just here trying to point out the hypocritical nature of humans while trying to buttress the paragraph where you talked about "red flags awareness". Maybe, just maybe, we should work on being the right person first without wholly focusing on the picture of the other person being the right one for us alone.

Not to digress from the topic, but, perhaps we should be more accountable and introspective about ourselves a bit more whilst being watchful of the other person too.

You are right.

PrimadonnaO:

When you desire to be married, there's a right way to wait:


1. The first step is to not be desperate. Understand that there's nothing wrong with being single. Nothing at all. Own it and be comfortable in this status.

✅

2. Understand that as much as you desire being married today, once you finally achieve it, the novelty wears off. It's like every other thing in life. Today, you might be praying to God and desperate for a job. You finally get the job, and you realize that earning a living is hard work. You also begin to desire better jobs and aspire for bigger opportunities. But marriage is different from a job because you can't just wake up and call it quits. A marriage becomes your life.

Is this an immutable fact?

3. Define your values clearly. Write them out and know what your non-negotiables are. Decide these things when your head is clear. It may take days or weeks, and you might make a few changes over time. But by all means, write out what you desire in a partner. This will guide your choice. When propositions come, before you get deceived by fickle feelings and blinded by activities, you'd have already decided if such a person is a yes or no. Be realistic about the kind of people you can attract, and be willing to work on yourself to be a great partner to the person you desire.

And what if the person/people coming around don't tick all your desires, do you keep waiting for someone who ticks all of it?

4. The most important step is to bring God in. Trust Him and have sincere conversations with Him every day about the kind of partner you want. Ask Him to be your guide so you'll make no mistakes because He knows the end of a matter from the beginning. Put your trust in Him who is All-knowing, all-powerful, and beyond loving.

That's if the person believes in God. Unbelievers also have successful marriages.

5. Decide and decide that you won't settle. You deserve the best there is for you.

Most people settle, and that's not a bad thing either.

As long as the person you chose did not tick 10/10 of your desires, you've settled.

And realistically, how many people tick 10/10 of their partner's desires?
Not forgetting that even if you did find someone who ticked 10/10 of yours, have you ticked 10/10 of theirs?

Na two-way thing na...

6.Keep living your best life every day. Stop holding out on things you need to do for yourself because you're factoring in marriage.

✅

7. Be decent and holy. Stop engaging in immoral behaviors. God can't direct you when you're living sinfully. Cultivate responsible habits.

Like #4 above.
Only if the person believes in God.

PrimadonnaO:
Very true. Even if they're being sincere in how they present themselves today, they do not even know what they may become tomorrow when certain situations change.
This is one of the reasons why ultimately, in addition to our own due diligence, we must rely on God. He knows tomorrow. He knows the best. So it's a great risk to not be led by God.

So all those who claimed to have been led by him who still ended up in terrible straits, some meeting their end in marriage, what do you say of those? God did not leave them well?

If you, after doing all you have listed in your OP, were to find yourself caught up in a terrible marriage what would you say would say then?