BEFORE I BLEED
© Shalom M. David



Dear God,
Today I write my last words to you. My heart is so heavy. I cannot speak to you audibly. It's been a month and six days since I opened my mouth to talk to you. I am so bruised and broken, so lost and confused. I never wanted to speak to you again but since today will be my last here on earth, I might just as well write this letter to you and break my silence.

Dear God, I am tired of this damn life. I'm tired of trying to make it work when it's only getting worse. I'm sick of the frustration and desperation I have to face. I'm sick of everyone telling me how I've failed. I'm sick of being judged, criticized and condemned.
The world you made is a prison, this life you gave me is a cell and guess what? You are the prison warder. I don't need to tell you why I've come to this conclusion. I don't need to explain why I'm sick of this life you gave me. You already know what I went through- what you allowed me go through. You are responsible for all the wrong that I experienced. I served you faithfully for many years but you allowed me suffer. Why shouldn't I take my life away? Why shouldn't I pierce myself with this knife that is before me? Life is a living hell so I might just well die, but before I bleed to death, let me appease myself and conscience.

I want to give you a piece of my mind and tell you how I feel. I feel hurt, betrayed by you and deceived. Why did you promise me a good life when all I got was wretchedness? I will remind you of how it all started and why I am justified to take my life.

I was a victim of abuse when I was a kid. I was four years when my step dad started abusing me sexually. I cried every time it happened till I could not cry anymore. I hated him so much and wished he died. But he continued molesting me until I became 11. I don’t know why he suddenly stopped after I turned 11. All I can remember is that he stopped tiptoeing into my room at midnight and stopped calling me into his room when Mom was not at home. I didn’t tell anyone about it except my best friend Anna. When she heard it, she asked me to close my eyes, she took my little hands in hers and whispered a prayer, “Lord, please make this mountain go away.”

Now that I think about that incident, I can’t help but wonder if you were the one who made that mountain go away. Perhaps it was you because not long after Anna prayed with me, my step dad stopped molesting me. I have to thank you for that, but that is just one thing I can say I am grateful to you about.

My stepdad left my mom soon after and we were plunged into poverty. I remember how she struggled with raising me and my three siblings. She entered one debt to another just trying to pay our school fees, feed us and clothe us. Nevertheless, she remained faithful to you. She believed in you, prayed to you, devoted her time to the church and raised us up to believe in you. We all believed in you and prayed you would turn our poverty around. But what did you do? You sat up there in your throne and watched us in silence as if our prayers were nothing. How could you be so cruel to people who believed in you and devoted their lives to serving you? We were taught that you were a loving God who answered the prayers of those who trusted in you, but you left us to suffer.

We suffered mockery from people around us. We couldn’t pay our bills, we were frequently sent home from school due to our inability to pay the fees on time and we barely managed to feed. My mom turned down several offers from men because she wanted to obey your words, but instead of blessing her, you only watched as things became worse. There was even a time I was down with malaria and she could not take me to hospital. I became so sick and I almost died. I started convulsing and felt life going away from me, my sister got hold of my hands and started praying, “You shall not die Delight, I rebuke every spirit of death hovering around you. You shall live to declare the goodness of the Lord. Delight, you shall live and not die. Your purpose on earth must come to pass.” From my semi-conscious state, I heard her shout those words and I slowly came back to consciousness.

I think I owe that miracle also to you. I realize I could have died at that point but it was you who delivered me from the hands of death. Alright, you got me. But what’s the point of being alive when nothing good comes out of it?

You let my mom die just when I graduated from high school. You took her away when we needed her most. I was forced to abandon my plans of going to the university and start working menial jobs to feed myself and my siblings. Why did you take away our only hope? God, you had no right! You plunged me and my siblings into a life of grief, sorrow and more suffering. It was totally unfair. If it had not been for one of my mother’s distant relatives who asked us to come and stay with her, we would not have been able to cope. Thankfully, she was wealthy and generous and insisted I go to the university.

Yes, again I think I owe you thanks at this point because I saw that it was you who made a way for me to have a university degree. I was at a loss on how it would be possible but you came through for me and my siblings by touching the heart of Aunt Rose who sponsored my university degree and that of my younger sister. My brothers, James and John, were sponsored to finish their secondary education. I can’t say I am not grateful for that.

The greatest regret I have is meeting Oxford after my NYSC. God, you knew all along that he was a bad person yet you didn’t stop me from having a relationship with you. After my one year mandatory service to the nation, I got a job at a bank and started trying to fix myself. Oxford was a colleague at work who showed me unreserved attention. He was always there to cheer me up and advise me on what to do. I never knew he was a snake in a green grass. You knew his character God, yet you never warned me. I know Stephen and Karen met me on different occasions to warn me not to befriend him. I thought they said that out of jealousy. Alright, I realize that you could have been using them to save me, but how was I to know they meant well for me.

Oxford promised to get married to me and we started dating. He told me he had a business he wanted to fund and led me to take a huge loan in my name to support him. Aside that, he also stole money from the bank and somehow found a way of framing me up for the theft. After he made away with the money, I was arrested and accused of conniving with him to steal from the bank.

He was nowhere to be found. All the little assets I had managed to acquire were confiscated and my reputation was tainted. If not for the intervention of Aunt Rose who came to bail me, I would still be in jail. The case has been taken to court and I am to appear there soon. I have no money to repay the theft, I have lost my job and assets, my image has been tainted and the worse news is that I just found out I am pregnant for that good-for-nothing Oxford.

Tell me now God why I should not end my life with this knife in my hands? Is there hope for me to come out of this court case? Even if I do, how do stand the shame I have put myself into?

(silence)

(silence)

Before I bleed Lord, can I say a prayer?

Before I bleed Lord, can you intervene in the crisis I have found myself?

Before I bleed Lord, I ask that You step into my life and move away this mountain like you did when I was eleven, fifteen, seventeen and all the times you stepped in my situation when I felt that there was no hope anymore.

I have tossed my knife away. There are tears in my eyes now. I know it will be difficult but I leave all my burdens at your feet. I can’t take away my life because it is not mine to take. I lay it before you. You once bled for me, let that blood now speak.



The end.