Hello nairaland family, this is gonna be a long one, sorry just need to lay out all the details so you guys will get the clear picture.

I'll be 40 this may. I plan to settle down this year but I'm torn between 2 women. One is an old flame I was supposed to settle down with 9 years ago but I wasn't ready back then so she married another dude, it was a shabby marriage as the guy didn't even come for her with his people from his father's side but rather from his mum's and he was keeping the whole thing a secret, there was no church wedding or traditional ceremony, just the people he came with to pay bride price and then he took her to court to collect marriage certificate, then 3 weeks later he left the country and never came back, except four years ago where he spent a month and then disappeared again. But the kicker is she was pregnant with my baby before she married that dude. it is painful knowing that my baby doesn't even know me but I had to do what I think is best for her and the mother, it would'nt make any sense interfering in her marriage and likely end up destroying it because I wanted access to my baby, I thought that would be selfish so I console my self knowing that the girl's family is well off and my baby girl wouldn't really lack anything.
The marriage has been hell for her and she discovered the guy is impotent, so he is unable to father a child which he knew before marrying her but kept it a secret from her and pretended like he was the father of my baby girl, although it was obvious he had no atom of love for her. The dude even married another white woman over there. This guy just caged her and wasting away her life. I loved this woman and still do, we didn't communicate all these years because we had a huge fight, so out of anger we both stopped communicating, we discovered recently the real reason for the fight was because she was deceived back then by another lady that wanted to be with me but that is story for another day.

The issue now is I am in a serious relationship with another woman whom I have been with for 2 years, I have already proposed and she accepted, but we had a serious fight and didn't talk for a month and coincidentally that was the period my former lover reestablished contact.

Reconnecting with her made me realize what I have been missing. With her for the first time in a long time I feel I am not being pressured. I feel really respected and appreciated unlike my current fiance that spends all day on Instagram and always billing me, because she doesn't work which is ok by me, although recently she has been really serious about starting a business, but she is like let me say "semi feminist" she thinks we should have equal rights which does not go down well with me, for example she will always want me to be in the kitchen with her if she is cooking, she really believes it's my responsibility to take care of her, I don't have a problem with that but how can you still think we are equals. She has a lot of friends and goes to a lot of parties, she likes showing off on social media and when I complain she subtly tells me I should stop hiding and to go make friends, I am an introvert and enjoy being alone and I avoid anything public. I am anxious around her and this affects our sex life, we hardly have sex because I don't feel aroused by her sometimes a month or even 2 months and we won't be intimate despite the fact that she is very beautiful she turns heads, tall and has the shape every woman envies, I my self is very handsome dark and tall with good physique and people always stare at us whenever we go out. And when we eventually do have sex I don't last at all and she complains. She has her good side, she is homely clean and really takes care of the house, highly intelligent and her advice have saved me from disasters a couple of times and for that I love her, her network of friends gives her good connections.

With my old flame things are very different, I was beginning to think something was wrong with my sex life until we reunited. we can make love many times everyday and I last a long time, looking at her just turns me on, she is very respectful she has her own house and a car, but still very humble unlike my fiance. Issue is her husband won't let her go, the man is unreachable, he can call her anytime he wants but she can't call him. She has told him she wants out, her family doesn't believe in divorce and everybody thinks her husband is the father of the baby. Only her mother knows because I called and told her way back then and she is keeping that a secret. The mum knows what the daughter is going through as she has even attempted to take her life on one occasion, but for some reason she doesn't want the daughter out of the marriage. I don't know if it's because of there old way of thinking or because of what the money the guy sends her but the mum is also very wealthy and owns houses in Lagos.
The daughter is afraid of what will happen if people find out her husband isn't the father as the husband is always threatening to expose her. I love the two women what should I do?

ur old flame is just a thief that wants to eat her cake and still have it..............she's just manipulating u with all manner of lies.......the child may not even be urs.. She will do virtually anything to make u marry her at this point..
all u are seeing now is love & care bombing to impair reasoning....

She did paternity fraud...yet u are blaming the man.. that he claimed ur child.. be like say u sef u be General managers of simps.

Face the girl uve been dating for two years..na now u see say she get issues abi??
.fight is normal...settle it and marry her.

....however, if u feel the redflag is too much for u..cut her off and look for someone else....but dont go for that your ex.......no no no no
.

Wow. Old flames are a way of reliving our past experience. It might feel good now but you'd also see her bad sides soon.
As a man you need to know what you want. Respect or semi feminist. Good connection or Respectful woman. Connect with your child or face the disgrace with her?

Scale of preference type of thingy. Think hard!!!

I would have said you should go back to your old flame or whatever you call it but she's still married and you are freely commiting adultery with her without remorse. Both of you betrayed her husband with your child she pinned on another man and still continued having sex severally as you put it. She should better open up to the husband and end that deceit she called marriage so you can take your properties back(she and her child who is also your child)

As for the other lady, both of you won't last in marriage so free her and let her go.

I think I will come back on Monday to finish reading this.

viqSmallz:
Wow. Old flames are a way of reliving our past experience. It might feel good now but you'd also see her bad sides soon.
As a man you need to know what you want. Respect or semi feminist. Good connection or Respectful woman. Connect with your child or face the disgrace with her?

Scale of preference type of thingy. Think hard!!!

The so called old flame is in a deceit not marriage. Aside pinning her child on the wrong person, she's still sleeping with op unremorsefully. She should just open up and end the marriage so that op can easily claim her.

He has no connection with the other lady. Sex is very important to women and should not be downplayed. Though op is an adulterer

The choice is yours to make and I feel advising you based on this story wouldn't really help as you can decipher what you want. Sit down, envision your future to decide which one of them fits the most into it.

Having read all through your epistle, I'd say just follow your heart.

A) have a DNA test to prove that the child is indeed yours... if it aint yours then forget about this deceitful woman and her family.
B) understand that in any union, there will be disagreement and fights...if you aint mature enough to squash these beefs, then you will never succeed in any union. understand that everyone has negative points, the catch in life is to accept these flaws because NOBODY IS PERFECT. the minute you start pointing at someone negative points (after 2 yrs of dating) as an excuse to go and cheat on them, makes you the biggest hypocrite here. remember, Karma is a biatch.
C) if you indeed loved your GF of 2yrs, you wouldnt be fukcing your ex and thinking of being with her. you cant have a proper view on this issue if you are half way thinking about being with some old flame. stop the hypocrisy!
D) if what you wrote above are the reasons why you love your GF, then you sir are just desperate to not be alone, and dont really love this woman.
E) of course the sex with your old flame will be better than the sex with your GF of 2 yrs... simply because its all new and fresh in your mind. if you want to be with your old flame, thats all good, but do whats right first (aka dump your GF) and dont be a selfish hypocrite, stringing your GF along to your deceitful dishonest disrespectful unfaithful lifestyle.
F) how can you expect you r/ship with your GF to work if you are fucking some other woman? you are not giving your GF a chance and you are already jumping in bed with someone else, whose life is so messed up, she is way worse than your GF.
G) you have the audacity to say that you love them both but its obvious from the above that you only love yourself, but sadly you have no respect for yourself, nor for these women. i suggest you work on yourself first.
H) all the flimsy reasons you gave us to try to make your deceitful acts right (aka sleeping with a married woman) makes me understand that you are not emotionally ok.

HERE IS WHAT I THINK YOU SHOULD DO: stop having sex with your married ex until she divorce her husband, dump your GF, then marry your divorced ex... and then when your new marriage turns to shiit because you were driven by flimsy emotional BS, find another woman to use as a scapegoat to feel good about yourself, and do the above again and again for the rest of your life.

advanceDNA:
ur old flame is just a thief that wants to eat her cake and still have it.......
..she's just manipulating u with all manner of lies.......the child may not even be urs...... She will do virtually anything to make u marry her at this point....
She did paternity fraud...yet u are blaming the man that he claimed ur child.. be like say u sef u be General managers of simps.

Face the girl uve been dating for two years...fight is normal...settle it and marry her.....if u feel the redflag is too much for u..cut her off and look for someone else....but dont go for that your ex.......no no no no
.

I wanted to comment but haven read this, I felt this is just enough for you.

You're sleeping with your ex again knowing she's still married and knowing you're engaged to another woman? Both of you and your ex are no good. As for your current gf/fiancée whom you've been dating for 2-years and have been cheating on, you didn't realise she had all these negatives until this your married ex (and babymama, as she already has a child for you) came into the picture again, smh. With what you've posted, she sounds like a much better person than you and deserves better.

I would've advised you to look for someone else entirely because you've ruined your current relationship with your waywardness and you're on a long tin if you think your married ex will leave her husband for you and even if she does and you marry her I doubt your marriage will work out because it'll be established on deceitful grounds. However, you're no husband material, so telling you to look for someone else is no good idea because you will just cheat on them like how you're cheating on your current fiancée, likely with this your married ex that you're stuck on. My advice is for you to forget about any marriage because your type does not know how sacred the institution is.

MrBrownJay1:
A) have a DNA test to prove that the child is indeed yours... if it aint yours then forget about this deceitful woman and her family.
B) understand that in any union, there will be disagreement and fights...if you aint mature enough to squash these beefs, then you will never succeed in any union. understand that everyone has negative points, the catch in life is to accept these flaws because NOBODY IS PERFECT. the minute you start pointing at someone negative points (after 2 yrs of dating) as an excuse to go and cheat on them, makes you the biggest hypocrite here. remember, Karma is a biatch.
C) if you indeed loved your GF of 2yrs, you wouldnt be fukcing your ex and thinking of being with her. you cant have a proper view on this issue if you are half way thinking about being with some old flame. stop the hypocrisy!
D) if what you wrote above are the reasons why you love your GF, then you sir are just desperate to not be alone, and dont really love this woman.
E) of course the sex with your old flame will be better than the sex with your GF of 2 yrs... simply because its all new and fresh in your mind. if you want to be with your old flame, thats all good, but do whats right first (aka dump your GF) and dont be a selfish hypocrite, stringing your GF along to your deceitful dishonest disrespectful unfaithful lifestyle.
F) how can you expect you r/ship with your GF to work if you are fucking some other woman? you are not giving your GF a chance and you are already jumping in bed with someone else, whose life is so messed up, she is way worse than your GF.
G) you have the audacity to say that you love them both but its obvious from the above that you only love yourself, but sadly you have no respect for yourself, nor for these women. i suggest you work on yourself first.
H) all the flimsy reasons you gave us to try to make your deceitful acts right (aka sleeping with a married woman) makes me understand that you are not emotionally ok.

HERE IS WHAT I THINK YOU SHOULD DO: stop having sex with your married ex until she divorce her husband, dump your GF, then marry your divorced ex... and then when your new marriage turns to shiit because you were driven by flimsy emotional BS, find another woman to use as a scapegoat to feel good about yourself, and do the above again and again for the rest of your life.

Appreciate your input.
Maybe I didn't make myself very clear or you rushed through the story. I've never cheated on my fiance all the while we were together, I am not that kind of man. You should realize that 2 years of relationship definitely brings with it so many obstacles, both of us are matured and have so far resolved many issues together. You should realize that me and my fiance are currently not seeing each other and have not spoken for over a month 14th of this month will make it 2 months since we last spoke. Since we had the disagreement I have been the one to call on 2 separate occasions trying to make peace, it's not as if I was even the one at fault here but I know she is proud and will rarely accept her fault rather she will give you signs that she knows she's at fault and sorry but you will have to be the one to play the fool and approach her. Last time I tried to initiate a reconcilation on valentine's day, she said she needed time and that I was disturbing her. Mind you this woman is very beautiful. I just feel the money isn't coming as it used to for her so she's like not happy with the way things are. You expect me to continue to wait for someone that have not even bothered to call after over a month, I might play the fool most times but I ain't no fool. The way I see it, she let my former lover back in to my life by her actions.

There is a lot behind the story of my former which I can't go into here. What I wrote is like just a summary. But she is not evil.
it's easy to point fingers at others but even you sir ain't no saint but I truIy appreciate your advice.

ecolime:
Ditch your Ex. She's married and using your head. It's obvious she's using you as a fck tool in the absence of her husband. You need to wise up.


Work things out with your current gal and move on with her.

What about my daughter.

GboyegaD:
The choice is yours to make and I feel advising you based on this story wouldn't really help as you can decipher what you want. Sit down, envision your future to decide which one of them fits the most into it.

Thank you.

TheWinterBird:
You're sleeping with your ex again knowing she's still married and knowing you're engaged to another woman? Both of you and your ex are no good. As for your current gf whom you've been dating for 2-years and have proposed to and have been cheating on, you didn't realise she had all these negatives until this your married ex (and babymama, as she already has a child for you) came into the picture again, smh. With what you've posted, she sounds like a much better than you and deserves better.

I would've advised you to look for someone else entirely because you've ruined your current relationship with your waywardness and you're on a long tin if you think your married ex will leave her husband for you and even if she does and you marry her I doubt your marriage will work out because it'll be established on deceitful grounds. However, you're no husband material, so telling you to look for someone else is no good idea because you will just cheat on them like how you're cheating on your current fiancée, likely with this your married ex that you're stuck on. My advice is for you to forget about any marriage because your type does not know how sacred the institution is.

Since the so called marriage. The man has only been home once in 9 years. He is currently married to another woman abroad. My current girlfriend has not spoken to me in over a month, and says I should give her space. I feel her real reason is because the money isn't coming as it used to since I'm the one that has always done everything for her. But that's my opinion, only she knows her reason. Her taste is very high. I love her but I'll never let her reduce me to nothing by chasing after her, I'm proud too.

Ahmed0336:
Having read all through your epistle, I'd say just follow your heart.

Thank you.

EreluRoz:
The so called old flame is in a deceit not marriage. Aside pinning her child on the wrong person, she's still sleeping with op unremorsefully. She should just open up and end the marriage so that op can easily claim her.

He has no connection with the other lady. Sex is very important to women and should not be downplayed. Though op is an adulterer

She has made it clear to the man she wants out about 3 years ago. But the man won't let her go.

Mranonymous50:
Appreciate your input.
Maybe I didn't make myself very clear or you rushed through the story. I've never cheated on my fiance all the while we were together, I am not that kind of man. You should realize that 2 years of relationship definitely brings with it so many obstacles, both of us are matured and have so far resolved many issues together. You should realize that me and my fiance are currently not seeing each other and have not spoken for over a month 14th of this month will make it 2 months since we last spoke. Since we had the disagreement I have been the one to call on 2 separate occasions trying to make peace, it's not as if I was even the one at fault here but I know she is proud and will rarely accept her fault rather she will give you signs that she knows she's at fault and sorry but you will have to be the one to play the fool and approach her. Last time I tried to initiate a reconcilation on valentine's day, she said she needed time and that I was disturbing her. Mind you this woman is very beautiful. I just feel the money isn't coming as it used to for her so she's like not happy with the way things are. You expect me to continue to wait for someone that have not even bothered to call after over a month, I might play the fool most times but I ain't no fool. The way I see it, she let my former lover back in to my life by her actions.

There is a lot behind the story of my former which I can't go into here. What I wrote is like just a summary. But she is not evil.
it's easy to point fingers at others but even you sir ain't no saint but I truIy appreciate your advice.

BWAAAAAAAH see how you are even blaming your GF for letting your old flame back into your life. really?!
if indeed you and your GF are over (aka you guys are broken up, done and no longer together), then what are you waiting for? you are free and can just tell your old flame to divorce her husband and be merry with her. BUT if you and your GF have not settled your issues, then GO BREAK UP WITH HER FIRST, AND TELL HER YOU ARE DONE WITH THE R/SHIP and then move on with your life, since its obvious you've already moved on (but will claim to love both)

BTW its obvious you never loved your gf because if you did, you wouldnt be so quick to destroy the r/ship you have with her by jumping in bed with some old flame. that certainly aint love.

MrBrownJay1:


BWAAAAAAAH see how you are even blaming your GF for letting your old flame back into your life. really?!
if indeed you and your GF are over (aka you guys are broken up, done and no longer together), then what are you waiting for? you are free and can just tell your old flame to divorce her husband and be merry with her. BUT if you and your GF have not settled your issues, then GO BREAK UP WITH HER FIRST, AND TELL HER YOU ARE DONE WITH THE R/SHIP and then move on with your life, since its obvious you've already moved on (but will claim to love both)

BTW its obvious you never loved your gf because if you did, you wouldnt be so quick to destroy the r/ship you have with her by jumping in bed with some old flame. that certainly aint love.

I love both women. I will not be the one to initiate the breakup. Your are attacking me for no reason. I am Seeking constructive input. It's ok, I know there will be people like you.

Mranonymous50:


What about my daughter.

Honestly, you need to conduct a DNA test to be sure she's really yours.

And if she's truly yours, let her be raised by her mother wile you send in your support. The man must be aware of the outcome as well.

Mranonymous50:


What about my daughter.

Did she agreed with you that the child is your daughter? If she acknowledged that and is someone with conscience, she won't give it to someone else at the time she did.

ecolime:

Honestly, you need to conduct a DNA test to be sure she's really yours.

Thanks, I'll definitely do that.

Stevenbright:


Did she agreed with you that the child is your daughter? If she acknowledged that and is someone with conscience, she won't give it to someone else at the time she did.

Yeah, she told me when she was pregnant. Back then I was not ready to settle, being a woman she was desperate to settle and didn't want to lose the baby.

Mranonymous50:


Since the so called marriage. The man has only been home once in 9 years. He is currently married to another woman abroad.

But what is your business with their marriage? For all you know, she could be telling you lies. According to your post, the man does not even know that the daughter is not his. If she carried the pregnancy into the marriage and only you and her mom know the secret, that means he does not know and she has been dishonest with him, so who knows what else she has lied about or is lying about? But somehow you're trying to make the man look bad. I guess he's sending her upkeep for the child even though the child is not his and that what's you're trying to capitalize on, because Idk what your business is with their marriage. Your only concern with her should pertain to your child (if you're sure she's yours) and how you'll take care of her financially but you made no mention of that in your post at all. Besides that, any issue she's having with her husband is none of your business and is no excuse for you to be sleeping with her (a married woman) or cheating on your fiancée. MYOB and grow up.

Mranonymous50:
I love both women. I will not be the one to initiate the breakup. Your are attacking me for no reason. I am Seeking constructive input. It's ok, I know there will be people like you.

bro, i am NOT attacking you, i am giving you my unbiased opinion about your issue. i am sorry if you dont like my reply, but that exactly what i feel about what you are doing.

here is my constructive input below:

MrBrownJay1:
HERE IS WHAT I THINK YOU SHOULD DO: stop having sex with your married ex until she divorce her husband, dump your GF, then marry your divorced ex... and then when your new marriage turns to shiit because you were driven by flimsy emotional BS, find another woman to use as a scapegoat to feel good about yourself, and do the above again and again for the rest of your life.

but then again, its obvious you came here looking for sympathy, but sadly i have none for a person not MAN ENOUGH to do whats right in his life.

Mranonymous50:


She has made it clear to the man she wants out about 3 years ago. But the man won't let her go.

Stop repeating exactly what she told you. In issues like this, the person involved hardly tell the other desired individual the whole truth but they do rather paint a picture that will make them look like a victim that desires to be rescued.

If you must have anything serious to do with her, tell to sort herself out by getting a proper divorce and then you guys can come together for good.

TheWinterBird:
But what is your business with their marriage? For all you know, she could be telling you lies. According to your post, the man does not even know that the daughter is not his. If she carried the pregnancy into the marriage and only you and her mom know the secret, that means he does not know and she has been dishonest with him, so who knows what else she has lied about or is lying about? But somehow you're trying to make the man look bad. I guess he's sending her upkeep for the child even though the child is not his and that what's you're trying to capitalize on, because Idk what your business is with their marriage. Your only concern with her should pertain to your child (if you're sure she's yours) and how you'll take care of her financially but you made no mention of that in your post at all. Besides that, any issue she's having with her husband is none of your business and is no excuse for you to be sleeping with her (a married woman) or cheating on your fiancée. MYOB and grow up.

Maybe you didn't read the long write up but the man knows. I don't have any business in their marriage reason I stayed away for a very long time.

Stevenbright:


Stop repeating exactly what she told you. In issues like this, the person involved hardly tell the other desired individual the whole truth but they do rather paint a picture that will make them look like a victim that desires to be rescued.

If you must have anything serious to do with her, tell to sort herself out by getting a proper divorce and then you guys can come together for good.

I already told her, I won't come for her unless she gets a divorce. The issue is the man does not want to let her go.

superCleanworks:
I think I will come back on Monday to finish reading this.

Shift for me abeg

Mranonymous50:


Maybe you didn't read the long write up but the man knows. I don't have any business in their marriage reason I stayed away for a very long time.

Then continue stay away and leave her alone. Your only business with her should pertain to your child only. If he doesn't want to let her go, I don't see how that concerns you. I hope your fiancée is on NL and has the sense to dump you because this is all nonsense.

TheWinterBird:
Then continue stay away and leave her alone. Your only business with her should pertain to your child only. If he doesn't want to let her go, I don't see how that concerns you. I hope your fiancée is on NL and has the sense to dump you because this is all nonsense.

How can I stay away and have a business with my child at the same time.